Mystery Science Theater 3000-Friends Time-The One After the Superbowl
(We see the guys in the theater)
Tom: That was a great superbowl.
Crow: Yeah, lets go now.
(They start to leave, a commercial comes on)
Announcer: Stay tuned, special one hour episode of Friends is next!
Mike: Hmm. Cool. Let's stay guys.
Tom and Crow: Ok.
[Scene 1: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
Crow: So we're watching someone watch tv, what is that?
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
Tom: Must be tax season.
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
Mike: What??? EW!!!
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
Crow: That never happened for me, my beer was defective.
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
Mike: Nice change from tv to "reality" there.
ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad.
Crow: Me too, ever since I lost the bottle top opener.
JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
Mike: Works for me.
ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
Crow: Marcel? Marceau?
PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys.
Crow: Hey! Oh.
ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
Tom: (sings) Give him away, give him away now.
RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping verything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
Crow: Barbie was seeing Marcel? What will Ken think?
ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
Tom: Two scoops of raisins.
CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. .. all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.
Mike: Ewww. Thats something Joey would do.
[Scene 2: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]
Crow: They ought to give up the apartments and just move in there.
[Joey enters holding a letter]
Mike: Stay tuned as we ask, Can Joey read?
JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.
CHANDLER: Rhythm?
JOEY: No, my first fan mail.
Tom: His ONLY fan.
ALL: Alright!
MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
Mike: Are we sure they are eyelashes.
RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.
Crow: At this rate, Mike has 5 wives waiting for him back home.
Mike: She said crazy would, not insane world.
MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.
Tom: His ONLY stalker.
[Ross enters with a suitcase]
ROSS: Hey guys.
Mike: See, hes already moving in.
ALL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?
Tom: He was born a rambling man?
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh,you know, isn't capable of that emotion.
Crow: I somehow doubt he'll ever remember him, though.
RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
Mike: Thank you.
Crow: She doesnt mean you.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
Crow: Why?
Tom: Just do it.
Crow: No.
[Everyone laughs]
Tom: HA HA HA HA
Crow: Ok, what was the purpose of that?
PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.
ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
All: Hi Rob!
PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.
ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.
Mike: Then he don't really know anything about music.
PHOEBE: Oh, wow.
Tom: I know.
ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
Mike: He's never heard her sing, has he?
Crow: Nope. Not that if its anything he would admit.
PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
Tom:
[Scene 3: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]
JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?
Crow: Pizza! Yay!!!
CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
Mike: Great. Another laughing scene.
[door buzzer goes off]
Tom: Ah, the strippers here.
CHANDLER: Hello.
ERICA: It's Erica.
Mike: Kane?
JOEY: Ah, the stalker.
Tom:Ah, for a minute there I thought it wasnt the
stalker.
ERICA: Never mind, it's open.
CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
Crow: I thought Joey WAS a cartoon.
JOEY: Let's get out of here.
Tom: Yeah.
[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]
CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.
Crow: How plot-convinent
JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
Mike: Course who would want to stalk a Dj?
Crow: You ever see Play misty for me mike?
JOEY: She's comin'.
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]
ERICA: It's me.
Crow: Go away, me, we're waiting for Erica!
JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?
CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding]
Tom: Be prepared.
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
ERICA: Hi.
Mike: Theres been a mix-up, this is Suddenly Susan.
JOEY: Erica.
Tom: So we know who this is now.
[Scene 4: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
Crow: You were?
ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan,answers to the name Marcel.
Mike: Sometimes he also answers to Spanky too.
LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?
Tom: Hes dead, I tell you, DEAD!
Crow: He's dead Jim.
Mike: Thats Ross.
LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
ROSS: I can't believe this.
LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
Mike: For this episode anyway.
ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.
LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
Tom: How rude!
ROSS: Zoo dollars?
LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
Crow: Gee thanks.
[Scene 5: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]
Tom: AHHH!!! Let me out!!
KIDS: Ooohhh.
PHOEBE: I know.
Crow: Yuck
MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
CHANDLER: Well, you remember Kathy Bates in Misery?B>R
Mike: Sure.
RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
Tom: That would be a great referance, but I don't know what Kathy Bates looks like.
RACHEL: And she's not crazy?
CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr.Drake Remore.
RACHEL: Oh my God.
Mike: It must be like going places and people referring to you as Rachel.
MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.
CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she notdeserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
Crow: Boff? Thats a new one on me
ROB: You OK?
PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
Tom: Mike, are you wearing underwear?
Mike:No.
Crow: I don't need that image in my head.
ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
Mike: No.
ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.
PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
ALL: Hi Phoebe.
All: Hi, Dumm....Phoebe!
PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
Tom: Make her stop!
[Scene 6: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]
Tom: Thank you.
ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?
Crow: True.
ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.
JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours,but they only showed it for 2 minutes.
ERICA: Who's they?
Crow: The magic elves
JOEY: No one.
ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.
Mike: Thank god, I was gonna lose my appetite.
JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]
ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
Crow: Ewwww.
JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.
[Some guy at another table starts choking]
Crow: I'm having pretty much the same reaction.
WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
Mike: Nope.
ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
Tom: Just Salem, eh? No ambition for Doctor Joey.
[Scene 7: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]
Tom: Watch out for the monkey raisins
Crow:(as janitor) Damn monkeys, god I hate em.
JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
Mike: Zoo dollars? I think Dr F pays me with that.
JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive.
Tom: Lets go
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk)
Tom: Wow, Joey with a stalker, is this the end of the golden age of friends?
Crow: What golden age?
Tom: Oh, never mind.
Mike: I wish I had a stalker.
Tom: Mike, you would have to pay a woman to stalk you.
Crow: True.
Mike: Oh, eh.
(siren goes off)
Mike: We got Friends sign!
