CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.
JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.
CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrest lever] Do we dare?
Crow: Do it!
JOEY: We dare.
BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.
Mike: Dr F oughta get us chairs like those.
Crow: I think he WANTS us to be uncomfortable.
Mike: Oh.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]
Tom: Chandler and Joeys new chairs bring admirers as far as from across the hallway!
PHOEBE: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.
CHANDLER: Well they were chair shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.
Mike: No but they would have been really comfortable to watch the sunset on.
Tom: Especially when the cowboys sit on them.
Crow: Tom cowboys dont actually ride cows.
ROSS: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dike is practically life size.
Mike: So he can actually fall over a life sized ottoman too?
ALL: Woah!
All: YAY!
Crow: I missed something.
MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?
Mike: Definately.
[Rachel enters]
RACHEL: Hi you guys.
ALL: Hey.
Tom: Hi!
RACHEL: Hey you.
Crow: Hey there.
ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the TV.]
All: Ahhhhhhh.
Tom makes a gagging sound.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]
Mike: Must not block Laura Petrie.
RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day?
ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.
RACHEL: Really? Mine too.
PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too.
Crow: Suddenly we're on the wide world of disney.
ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.
RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves]
Mike: I wish I had that.
ROSS: Bye guys.
ALL: Bye.
Tom: So when do we find out what...you know means?
MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV] Tonight?
Crow: (as Rachel) Oh you know that period of time aftrnoon?
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]
MONICA: What's tonight?
Tom: (Sings) Tonight, tonight, is not just any night.
RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first date.
MONICA: Uh, hello.
RACHEL: Hi.
Crow: Didnt they already greet each other?
MONICA: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you?
Mike: Not really.
RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date.
Tom: Aw, Mon and Rachs first date.
Mike: Actually its Ross and Rachels first date.
Crow: Good, that one actually made more sense.
MONICA: Yes but my mom got me this job.
PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.
Tom: (Sings) I believe I can fly, I can believe I can touch the sky.
RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.
Crow: See Phoebe sing.
Mike: See Phoebe be Phoebe.
MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.
Tom: Be all you can be!
Mike: The nation needs more bear cub waitresses.
PHOEBE: I can "be" a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
Tom: Is that her singing? She should keep her day job.
[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]
Mike: (points) Hey its Magnum PI!
Tom: It certainly is.
Crow: Must be moonlighting.
Mike: No thats Bruce Willis.
PHOEBE: It's James Bond.
Crow: (hums James Bond Theme)
MONICA: Sorry we're late.
Mike: Dont apologize if your pregnant.
DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
Tom: (as Monica) Open your eyes, dillweed, I'm right here.
MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.
Tom: Hey Mike, its me!
Crow: Me too!
Mike: Cut it out.
DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.
Crow: The New Monica! She cooks, she sews, she has a geeky brother!
Mike: The New Monica and Geeky Brother sets sold seperately.
MONICA: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight.
Tom: Geez, its like not bringing anyone at all then.
DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe just giggles when they shake] So, how ya been?
All: Well we been good.
MONICA: I've been great, just great. How have you been? [tilting her head]
Crow: (as Monica) If I squint he looks just like Bruce Willis.
DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.
MONICA: The head tilt?
Mike: I always break pinball machines that way.
DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya doin'? You OK?'
Crow: Acting by repetition!
MONICA: I'm sorry.
Tom: Thats more than I'll say for her.
DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. [demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' [bobs head] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with four CD's to change.
Mike: I bet you its all "Pantera" too.
MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh, that's too bad.
DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I'll survive.
Tom: (singing) I will survive, hey hey.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.]
Mike: (as Chandler) Yeah a pizza is the round cheesy thing.
CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for , ring , Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
Tom: WHOAH!
Crow: He meant get out of the chair.
JOEY: What if we have to pee?
CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas.
Crow: I'll take them sodas.
[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.]
Tom: Kitchens, now the make out centers of America!
MONICA: You've got to get back out there, it's your party.
Crow: Its his party and he'll cry if he wants to.
DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.
MONICA: You're an opthamologist.
Mike: I see.
DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sheriff.
Tom: So instead of upholding the law he helps blind people see.
Crow: Oh if Robin Masters can see him now.
PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party] That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.
Mike: She needs a chair and a whip to hold them off.
DR. BURKE: See.
Crow: Ah so.
MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.
Tom: Kabob?
Mike: Its a stick with food skewered on it.
Crow: Oh.
DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needs glasses? [everyone laughs]
Mike: Not a joke but a good simulation.
PHOEBE: You are so smitten.
MONICA: I am not.
Crow: (as Phoebe) Come on, your drooling!
Mike: (as Monica) Thats because I'm looking at the food.
Crow: (as Phoebe) Oh.
PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.
MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.
Tom: Duh!
PHOEBE: So. You two are totally into each other.
MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like years older than me.
PHOEBE: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?
MONICA: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.
PHOEBE: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked?
MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, is a dangerous eye age.
Tom: Lets go, huh?
Mike: Good idea.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading out to the area. We see Crow and Mike, but yet again Tom is not there.)
Mike: Wheres servo this time?
Crow: Dunno.
Tom: I'm in my room guys. Come on in!
(Mike and Tom go into the little door that leads to Tom little section of the satelite. We see Tom is sitting in a leather recliner in a little red robe smoking a pipe.)
Crow: Hey heff, hows it going?
Tom: Very well thank you.
(We see a familiar looking young woman standing next to Tom dressed in a Playboy Bunny costume. Mike thinks for a minute.)
Mike: Hey Tom why do you have Courteney Cox dressed up in a bunny outfit serving your every wit and desire?
Tom: Que Simple Michael.
Crow: And stop talking like a sophisticated twit long enough to explain.
Tom: Well I saw that there was a celebrity auction at Planet Hollywood. I bid $5,000 dollars for Courteney here. And now she will be here during the rest of the episode, doing what Mike said, "Serving my evry wit and desire." Courteney and I have a nice esp thing goin on.
Courteney: (smiling) Tom, I have a feeling that a nice hot fudge sundae would come to your liking right now.
Tom: OOOh. I like that.
Mike: Tom, its time to go back to the theater.
Crow: Rats, and I was just enjoying my jealousy. Say, how much would Jennifer Aniston cost.
Tom: Oh about Ten thousand but her boyfriend bought her.
Crow: Nuts.
Mike: Ohhhh, we got sitcom sign, cry about it later!
Move on to the second part of The one where Ross and Rachel...you know
