Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Sitcom Night - The Revenge of Lucifer Clampett
(We see Mike and the bots playing a rousing round of "Strip Pinocle". Mike isnt doing very well but for a good reason.)
Mike: (clad in shirt and shorts) I dont see why I have to take something off every time one of you guys lose.
Crow: It's very simple Mike. We dont wear clothes in the first place.
Tom: We better start winning soon, I don't want to see this guy naked.
Mike: Thank god, the mads are calling. (presses button)
Tom: Hello!
(We see deep 13 all dressed up with fiesta decorations. Frank is sitting in a lounge chair with a sombaro over his face. Dr F is drinking a cup of coffee.)
Dr F: Morning guys. I cant speak too loudly. Last night we had a surprise
cinco de mayo like party for Franks birthday. He took it REALLY well till
we told him he was gonna be the pinata too.
Mike: Ouch.
Dr F.: We were so into getting drunk and being rejected by "paid female
party guests" to pick out your movie. In the mood we were in, we could have cut the emblicus and sent you off into the sun, but we sobered up
quickly enough to not do it.
Crow: Thanks for not sending us into a firey death.
Tom: That would have been one killer tan.
Dr F: So we're gonna send you two episodes of...
Mike: Friends?
Dr F: Hardly. This time we are gonna send up another popular NBC
sitcom, "Caroline in the city." With Lea Thompson who'll you remember from good films like "Back to the future" and a very bad one called "Howard
the duck." You can pretty much figure out the premise. This is the
pilot. Hasta La Vista, screwies!
Crow: Didnt she play Michael J Foxs mom?
Tom: Yeah but if shes his mom, how come shes younger than her?
Mike: Ohhh we got sitcom sign. Figure it out later!
[Scene 1: Caroline's Apartment. Caroline is talking on the phone.]
CARO: [on the phone] The ad should read 'Colorist wanted to assist nationally syndicated cartoonist.' No, it's not Beetle Bailey. Mine's about a woman. No, that's Cathy. Mine's Caroline in the City. It's a witty, kind of carefree...Oh yeah? Well then we're even. I think your ads are stupid.
Tom: Wish we knew what that was about.
Crow: Dont ask, dont tell
[Scene 2: Caroline's Apartment. Later. Caroline is interviewing Monroe.]
CARO: Thanks for answering my ad, Mr. Monroe.
Mike: I wonder if he knew Marilyn.
MONR: It's just 'Monroe.' One word, like 'Picasso.' Or 'Cher.' Or 'Satan!'
Tom: (as "Church Lady") Could it be SATAN????
[Scene 3: The Hallway of Caroline's Building. Caroline is escorting Ultimate Fan to the elevator.] UFAN: And I could start immediately. I've read every Caroline strip, I have every Caroline book, every Caroline calendar, every Caroline greeting card, especially get well ones.
Crow: Oh no its Misery all over again.
CARO: I do have a few more people to interview. UFAN: Oh, you don't have to stay, Caroline. I don't just want to work for you, I want to be you.
Mike: No you don't.
CARO: No you don't. Go home. [Caroline tries to push her into the elevator] UFAN: People even tell me I look like you.
Tom: Thank god for plastic surgery.
CARO: Bye. [the elevator door closes]
ANNE: [entering] Hey you.
All: Hey.
Crow: Who is she?
CARO: Annie I thought you were in Atlantic City. When did you get back?
ANNE: Last night.
CARO: Well, how'd you do?
Tom: Heh.
ANNE: I got Lucky. [Enter Lucky][Kiss][Exit Lucky] Mmm. See you, Lucky. So what's going on with you, huh?
Mike: Not much, got shot up in a sattelite.
CARO: Del and I had a big fight and broke up.
Crow and Tom: Farmer in the Del, the Farmer in the Del...
ANNE: Get out of here. How could you break up with Del, he has such great hair.
Mike: Ah, the measuring stick between good guys and bad guys is based on hair?
Crow: She would have dumped you a long time ago.
Mike: Maybe...hey!
[Entering Caroline's apartment.]
CARO: I know Annie, but I wanted a little more.
ANNE: He could grow it.
Tom: Grow what?
Mike: His hair.
Tom: Oh!
CARO: I'm tired of ending up like this. I'm gonna take a break from guys. You know I'm gonna hang out with my friends, go to museums. [buzzer rings]
ANNE: Oh, God. Why is it that every time you break up with a guy I end up at a museum?
Crow: Cause its you sworn duty as a sitcom friend.
CARO: [to intercom] Who is it?
RICH: [Over intercom] Richard Karinsky. I'm here about that job.
Tom: So shes an employance agency too?
Mike: Shes looking for an assistant.
Tom: Ah.
CARO: Come on up. Second floor.
Tom: If hes coming up then it has to be on the second floor.
ANNE: Hey, listen. I got to get ready for work, but I'll come over when I get home. You keep busy.
CARO: Don't remind me. I have a one o'clock meeting with Del at the card company.
Crow: So she's really a card.
ANNE: You know, I hate to say I told you so. Well, actually, I like saying that. But I warned you not to get involved with guys you work with. I never do.
Mike: Me neither but I work with bots so its easy not to
get involved.
CARO: Yeah, you never get involved with guys who have jobs.
ANNE: I love being your friend.
Crow: I love being your friend Tom.
Tom: Same here pal.
CARO: Whatever happened to the good old days when you'd break up with a guy and he'd just disappear?
Mike: So she dated David Copperfield?
ANNE: You never had any 'good old days.' All your relationships end badly.
CARO: You say that like it's my fault.
Crow: Could be.
ANNE: Well, the old lady on Murder, She Wrote never thinks it's her fault, but every time she shows up at a dinner party, someone dies. You know, after a while she's got to start thinking 'Hey!'
[Scene 4: Caroline's Apartment. Later on. Caroline is interviewing Richard.]
CARO: So, you're familiar with Caroline?
Tom: (as Richard) I have to be, I'm looking right at you.
RICH: I think my dentist has one of your calendars. She's that stringy-haired girl who's always trying on bathing suits with her mom, right?
Mike: Thats my mom actually.
CARO: No, that's 'Cathy.'
RICH: Boy is my face red.
Crow: Could he be more sarcastic?
CARO: You know, you seem more than qualified for this job.
RICH: I am.
Tom: Everyone thinks they are.
Crow: Mike what was your job at Gizmonics anyway?
Mike: I wasnt there long enough to find out.
CARO: Well, why do you want it?
RICH: Money. Seems I won't be able to make a living as a real artist until after I'm dead. Bummer, huh?
Crow: He does bring a little sunshine in, doesnt he?
CARO: Totally.
RICH: [Cats jumps on his lap] Oh, great, you have a cat.
Tom: (as cat) Actually I'm part parakeet.
CARO: Oh, this is Salty. Actually, her real name is Salt. See, I had a Pepper, too. But Pepper ran away a year ago. He was a male, so, typical. And since Salt is a weird name by itself.....
Crow: And any other cat by the same name would still use
your show as a catbox.
RICH: How anecdotal. Can you please just make it disappear.
CARO: I'm sorry. Are you allergic?
Mike: No! He's Richard!
RICH: No, I just don't like cats or dogs or anything that runs up to you and pees on your feet when you come home.
CARO: Well then we may have a problem, because I tend to get fairly excited when people come over. Not even a smile. Well, I have quite a few more people to interview, but I'll be in touch.
RICH: No you won't.
CARO: Excuse me?
Crow: Did he fart?
RICH: I've had enough of these interviews to know the signs. Look, I'd just really appreciate it if you'd tell me now that I didn't get the job so I won't have to waste me time sitting by the phone, which they're about to turn off anyway.
CARO: No, Mr. Karinsky, I will call really.
Mike: I'd think hed prefer it if you called him, not "really".
RICH: Okay, okay. Fine, you can reach me at my apartment for the next twenty-four hours and after that, here's the number of the shelter, but no pressure.
Crow: His life is in your hands!
Tom: You can either hire him and he be happy, which I can't
imagine or he being in a shleter an dbeing more depressed.
Mike: But no pressure!
CARO: Okay, Mr. Karinsky, maybe we can try this out.
RICH: Okay, I don't come in before ten, I don't work weekends, and I get about an hour and a half for lunch--it's about that time now, see you at two. [Exit Richard]
CARO: It's nice working for you.
Crow: What a shrewd woman - giving him the day off!
Mike: She didn't.
Crow: Oh.
[Scene 5: The card company. Caroline is standing outside Del's office.]
CARO: Hi Del. Hello Mr. Cassidy. Hi Del. [knocks on the door][enters]
Tom: So she dated the boss? How ethical.
Crow: I think he knew her before he became the boss.
Tom: Ah. Talk about your leg up in business.
DEL: Hi.
CARO: [in a high pitched voice] Hi Del. So.
Mike: (as Caroline) Sorry, ran into a helium factory on the way up.
DEL: So.
CARO: Could this be any more awkward?
DEL: Well if we were both naked and my mom was here.
Tom: If that happens I'm leaving.
Crow: Not unless I get to the door first.
CARO: Look, we both knew this was gonna be a little weird, but, we have work to do. [unzipping her bag]
DEL: Absolutely. We are professionals. Although I still love the sound of you unzipping.
Mike: Does this qualify as sexual harrsment?
Crow: Not if they didnt already knew each other.
CARO: Del, come on, the cards.
DEL: Yeah, right. [looks at the cards] Wow. These are so, so, so why did we break up?
Crow: Your name. Who would anyone call a kid Del? Is your last name Monte?
CARO: Because in the wake of your two failed marriages you were unable to commit to anything larger than a goldfish.
DEL: That's because things that live on land usually divorce me.
CARO: Come on, Del, the cards.
Mike: Talk about your one track mind.
Crow: Look whos talking.
DEL: You know, I just want to let you know that I really miss you, Duff.
Tom: Could you call me by my name?
Crow: that is her name.
CARO: I miss you too.
DEL: I miss lying in bed, eating Captain Crunch, watching Garfield with you on Saturday mornings....
Tom: Come on! Theres a time and a place for that.
CARO: Del, we said we'd never talk about that outside my apartment.
Tom: Thank you.
DEL: I know. [tries to kiss][Enter Charlie]
CHAR: Okay, okay: Del, I have this great idea. There's this whole untapped market out there just waiting for its own..greeting card...hi, Caroline, I thought you two broke up. [to Caroline] I'm not even here. Del, you're a woman, go with this. You're a woman, you're fifty and you just got divorced. 'Congratulations. You just took the men' open it 'Outta menopause!' Okay, you hate it. Charlie, he hates it. Okay, another untapped market, whole new idea. Okay, 'I just wanna stand up and shout!' Open it 'Hey world, I coming out!' Good for gays, good for debutantes....Okay, he hates that too. Alright, get a grip! [Exit Charlie]
All: What was that all about????
Crow: I think he was to make sure we're still watching.
DEL: It's hard to believe he's not family.
CARO: Look, you're busy. Tell me what you think of these cards, I'm gonna go out and grab some sex--lunch. [drops her bag] Oh, hot!
DEL: You know, Caroline, just because we're not seeing each other any more doesn't mean we can't see each other any more.
CARO: Well, yeah, maybe we could catch a movie sometime.
Crow: How do you catch a movie? Does it fly?
Mike: its another term for going to a movie.
Crow: Oh! Thne why wont he say that?
Mike: (Makes "I don't know" sound)
DEL: Yeah, when?
CARO: How about tonight.
DEL: Ohhh, tonight's bad. I've got a thing.
Mike: We don't want to know about your thing Del!
CARO: A thing like elective surgery?
DEL: No. I've got an, am, a, a....
CARO: Oh, Del, I'm an adult. If you have a date, just come right out and tell me.
DEL: Okay, I've got a date.
CARO: A date? A date?
Crow: Thats what he said.
Tom: To recap: Del has a date.
DEL: Hey, you're the one who said we should, you know, get on with our lives.
CARO: As we should. As a matter of fact, talk about coincidences, I just remembered, I have a date tonight too.
DEL: Really?
Crow: (as Caroline) You calling me a liar?
CARO: That would have been embarrassing, huh. Me making a date with you and then having this other big, hot date.
DEL: So, where ya going?
CARO: Home.
DEL: No, on your big hot date.
CARO: Remo's....
DEL: Oh, boy.
CARO: What?
DEL: Well that's where Debbie and I are going.
CARO: Del, that's our place.
DEL: Well it's okay for you to go there.
CARO: Yeah, well, I discovered it.
DEL: What is it, a continent?
Mike: This is interesting.
CARO: Fine. My date and I will just order in.
DEL: No. No, don't change your plans on my account.
CARO: Look Del, I'm not gonna bring my date to the same restaurant you bringing your date to. That's just a little too Noel Coward for me.
Tom: Let's go.
Crow: OK.
(We see the doors opening and closing to the main desk. Wee see three easels set up around the desk.)
Mike: Since Caroline has her own comic strip, I figured It would be cool to see what the bots and I could come up with if we made or our cartoon characters. (Turns to bots) What do you have for me guys?
Crow: Well if you just flip open my notepad there.
Mike: Sure.
Crow: This strip is about me, natch, and what if would be like if I ruled the world. Gypsy would be my vice president of the world.
Gypsy: Thanks Crow!
Crow: Anyway it follows along from y fantiastic brith and how I gain superpowers when I get near this very mysterious yellow thing.
Mike: Looks to me like the plot to Superman: the movie.
Tom: Yep.
Crow: Well they cant be gems all the time! Sheesh!
Mike: Let's see what Tom has. (flips open flipbook on easel)
Tom: Well I couldn't think of anything but...Crow took my idea!
Crow: Ha ha.
Tom: What do you have Mike?
Mike: (Mike flips open notebook) My idea is that I'm a secret agent who works for the CIA and I'm a babe magnet.
Crow and Tom laugh their heads off, Tom literally.
Tom: Oh that is a fantasy strip if I know one!
Mike: Gee thanks. Oh its sitcom sign. I'll mope over this
later.
