Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Sitcom Night - The Horrible Truth
(We see the guys playing "Speed Racer" on an old atari system they found next to a box of hamdingers.)
Tom: Whee! I as the Mysterious Racer Servo, will defeat you Speed Racer Mike!
Mike: Well eat my cyberdust pal!
Crow: Step in line mister, for I Crow the also mysterious racer will send you all crying home to mommy! Well Servo at least.
Tom: Hey!
(We see all three cars crash into a flaming catachysism of heck. They shut the game off.)
Mike: Course fate is also lovely. Oh the mads are calling on the bongo drum.

(We see Deep 13.Frank is not present but we do see Dr F sitting in a chair reading a book.)
Dr F: Well hello my cinematic guniea pigs. Have you made your decision on what you want to see this week?

Mike: Well usually you don't give us a choice and where is Frank?
Tom: Yeah.

Dr F: We had a minor disagreement on how Titanic really ended. I've always contended that I sunk the boat but Frank, the buttmunch said the events in the movie, save the romance of Jack and Rose, was depicted accurately.

Crow: Is this the long or short version?

Dr F.: (Gives Crow a look) Sooo I'm giving him a time out. I have him floating in ice cold water like so many of those human ice cubes in the movie. Hes not coming out till he apologizes. Anyhoo your episode of Caroline today is called Caroline and the folks. Look for the special guests along the way.

Mike:That seems a little harsh on ol' Frank. Crow: Oh we got sitcom sign, maybe Dr F will rethink his punishment strategy while we're gone.

(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater.)

[Scene #1: Caroline's Apartment. Del and Caroline are there.]
DEL: (on phone) Ah, yeah, okay, just tell her I'll call her when I get to the office.

Crow: She's right behind you tell her now.
CAROLINE: Call who? (blowing up balloon)

Tom makes a pop noise.

DEL: Ah, my mother. It seems her and my dad are coming into town tonight and they want us to meet them for dinner. (Caroline lets go of the balloon)

Tom makes a fart noise
Crow: Heh heh.

CAROLINE: Oh, dinner. Well, I already had dinner.

Mike: But its noon.
Crow: Big meal

DEL: That was last night. Try again.
Tom:(as Groucho Marx) Guess the secret word and get a 100$.

CAROLINE: Okay, I was going to clean the oven.

Mike:(as Caroline) Right after I stick my head in it

DEL:It's self cleaning.

Tom: I wish I was self-cleaning.
Crow: We do too.
Tom: Hey!

CAROLINE: Well, I was going to keep it company.
DEL: Caroline, you've canceled four times. My mother thinks my imaginary friend is back. C'mon Caroline, she's not that bad.

Crow: Come on! This broad gives Rosemarys mother a good name.

CAROLINE: Del, this is the woman that tried to fix you up with someone else on your wedding day.

Mike: Hes getting married to her?
Crow: I dunno who to feel sorrier for.

DEL: Mom just realized that first marriage was a mistake before I did.
CAROLINE: She ran over your second wife.
DEL: Ellen was wearing gray, it was dark.

Tom: (as Del) Course she was also holding that road flare, oh well.

CAROLINE: Del, you have to admit, she's very intimidating.
Mike: Shes a teamster too?

DEL: I know. But, hey, I'll be right there by you side. And look at it this way, if you survive, you may get a great comic strip out of it.
CAROLINE: Aha! So you admit it. There may be chance I might not survive. Oh,wait, wait (whisper puts hat on, enter Richard) Happy birthday to you... (exit Richard) Richard, you can come back. I promise not to sing.

Tom: That was singing, I thought my seat was creaking again.
Crow: Someone has to get karaoke lessons.

RICHARD: (Enter Richard) That was singing? I thought somebody was gelding a small animal.
CAROLINE: He's thirty. He's not getting older, he's just getting bitter.

Mike: Grumpy Younger Men

RICHARD: How did you find out it was my birthday?
CAROLINE: It was on your job application.

Tom: I don't remember him filling one out.
Crow: Must have been off screen.

RICHARD: And I thought that little piece of paper had already done its damage.

Mike: Paper cuts suck!

DEL: Thirty, huh, Richard? Oh man, I remember my thirtieth. A bunch of us went to Vegas. We got this suite. This buddy of mine got these two women with these huge...I guess I should stop this story right now! I gotta get out of here. So look, I'll see you tonight at eight.

Tom: Wow, the man of eveery little girls dreams

CAROLINE: Oh, darn, Del. I almost forgot. I have plans to take Richard out for a birthday drink.
RICHARD: No you don't.
CAROLINE: They're suprise plans.
RICHARD: Well, suprise. I can't go. I have a big party.

Tom: (Makes rim shot sound) Crow: Oh I can see old Richard here going out adn tying one on all night, you party animal

DEL: You're out of excuses.
CAROLINE: Okay, fine, I'll go. I'll meet your mother, she'll love me.

Mike: Just keep thinking that hon.

DEL: (kiss) You are the best. And, hey! It might even be fun. So fun's a bit much, but it doesn't have to be the worst time of your life.

Tom: Cant' be any worse than what we're doing.

CAROLINE: Isn't that the slogan for EuroDisney?

Crow: Actually its "Have a good time or else"
Tom: Thats Mafialands slogan.

DEL: Ha, Ha. I'll see you at eight. (exit Del)
CAROLINE: Okay, Richard, let's get to work. I'm sorry, are those balloons in your way?

Tom: (sings in high voice) (99 luft balloons....

RICHARD: (pops with pencil) Not any more.

Mike: Wa Wa Waaaaa

CAROLINE: You know, I'm gonna let that go. Because you're the birthday boy. Now. I couldn't decide whether to buy you something like a sweater, or get you a check. (picks up gift) But I decided checks are just so impersonal so happy birthday, Richard. (opens paper)

Tom:(As Richard) Oh I hopes its that super soaker.

RICHARD: Great, just what I needed. Every year, another (pulls out check) A check? CAROLINE: I decided impersonal was more you.(nods head)
Mike: (gets up and looks) Cool, Caroline checks, at least he knows whos paying him.


[Scene #2: Caroline's Apartment. Later that evening. Salty eating Richard's sandwich, Richard catches her] RICHARD: Hey! hey! hey! Hey! That's my sandwich. Oh great! It's dead to me now. Hey! Hey! You want the rest? (throws sandwich out the window) Fly. Be free. (enter Annie)

Crow: Its the rare sandwich-bird.

ANNIE Hey! What? Caroline's not here?

Mike: Obviously not.

RICHARD: No. So if you have an urge to share your boring personal life, I suggest you call talk radio.

Tom: (Makes rim shot sound)
Crow: Oh this guy is a regular Jack Benny.
ANNIE Oh, Richard, it's your birthday?
RICHARD: Oh. No no no. It's Richard Gere's birthday. Hey, you know what, stick around, we're going to have some cake and make fun of Cindy Crawford.
ANNIE Very cranky. I'm guessing thirty?
RICHARD: That's it. Thirty.
ANNIE Ooh, the big three-O. So how's it feel?
RICHARD: You know, actually it's a relief. You know there's no point to your twenties. Nobody takes you seriously. I mean, if you're not a big drinker, It's just a waste of a decade.

Mike: I don't even remember my twenties.
Tom: Maybe thats a good thing.

ANNIE I'll drink to that. So, where is Caroline anyway?
RICHARD: I don't know. She finished her strip, and she left muttering something about buying a dress, throwing herself in front of a bus. Yadda yadda yadda.

Crow: Blah blah blah and that other stuff.
Tom: What a fun packed day.

ANNIE So, she's pretty nervous about meeting Del's mom, huh?

Crow: Was the rejected application from the Witness Program a big enough clue? Too obvious?

RICHARD: (picks up cardboard) You tell me. (shows Annie cartoon.)
Mike: ( gets up and reads.) Hey thats dirty!
Tom and Crow: Let us see.

ANNIE (reading cartoon) It's so good to have Del's girlfriend for dinner. Ooh! She is nervous. (enter Caroline)
Tom: I'll have my Caroline well done, if you dont mind.

CAROLINE: Hey, Richard. If you didn't like the birthday lunch I made you, you could just say no.

CRow: Richard must have scored a direct hit.

ANNIE So, show the dress. Show the dress.

Tom: Show me the dress!
CRow: We thought we said no more Jerry Maguire.

CAROLINE: I went to eight different stores, and there it was. Back at the first one. Okay, so (pause) what do you think? (takes dress out of bag and displays it on front) Tell the truth. Tell the truth.

Mike: (flashes ok sign) It stinks!
Tom: Hee hee

ANNIE Ooh. Very meet the mom.
RICHARD: Yeah, yeah. Though you may want to check and see if you have a necklace that goes with that security tag.

Mike: Its so very vogue.

CAROLINE: Oh, no.
ANNIE Hang on. (exit Annie)
RICHARD: You know, you make a decent living. You don't have to shop lift.

Tom: I wouldnt shoplift that thing if you paid me.
Crow: It wouldnt fit you Tom, You have no legs.

CAROLINE: Stop, Richard, I paid for it. They just forgot to take it off. This is an omen. I do not want to meet this woman. What am I going to do?

Crow: Freak out and speak in a high voice?

RICHARD: Here. Here. Here's a razor blade. Will that help? (Caroline putsout wrists)

Mike: She dont seem that desperate.

CAROLINE: Yes.

Bots look at Mike.
Mike: Okay I was wrong

RICHARD: I don't know why you're so worried about meeting Del's mother. Imean he's the first born, he's the only male, and he's paying alimony to two ex-wives. She's going to hate you regardless.

Crow: (as Richard) Really, just look at you.

CAROLINE: (enter Annie with gun) You know, in a weird way that sort of takesthe pressure off. (Annie removes tag) Annie do I want to know...

Mike: Neither do we.

ANNIE Nooope. Here you go. Thank you for coming. Please have a nice day.

Tom: You too, you fun loving tart you.

CAROLINE: You know, Richard it's ten to five. Why don't you go home? It's your birthday.
ANNIE You got plans tonight?
CAROLINE: He's got a big party.
ANNIE He's got a party?

Crow: Yeah believe it or not.

CAROLINE: Yeah. I'm as suprised as you are. (folding up dress, put in bag)

Tom: Careful! Wrinkles!

RICHARD: Excuse me. What do you people think I do on my birthday?
CAROLINE: I don't know. I just assumed you curled up with a handful of dirtfrom your homeland and waited 'til dawn.

Mike: People in Wisconsin actually do that sometimes

RICHARD: Nope. That's New Years.

All: Ah.

CAROLINE: Hey, Richard have a good night.
ANNIE So big party, (Richard puts on coat) huh, huh?
RICHARD: Yep.
Mike: It's his party and he'll mope if he wants to.

ANNIE What is it? Like a bunch of people sitting around, dressed in black,talking about which anti-depressant works best. Or in your case--doesn't.
RICHARD: You know, Annie. Look I'm, you know, sorry if my idea of a party isn't with tequila shooters and with thumbing through somebody's wallet the next morning trying to figure out their name.

Tom: He got her there.
Mike: Last time a woman looked in my wallet was when she was mugging me.

ANNIE Lighten up, Richie. I'm just trying to have a little fun with you. You go out there, tonight an have the best birthday of you life, huh?
RICHARD: Alright, thank you, I will. (exit Richard, tag on back)
CAROLINE: Annie.
ANNIE Well, now we just have to figure out a way to get him to walk into Bloomingdale's.R
Tom: Remind me not to go to Bloomingdales when Richard is there.

[Scene 3: The Subway. Del is standing, when Charlie comes in.]
CHAR: Del! Del! Del! I finally found you! I had to run twelve blocks and push my way through eight cars.

Crow: Thers no getting rid of that guy.

DEL: Charlie, what's wrong? Is there a problem at the office?
CHAR: Yeah. My talents aren't being recognized!

Tom: Mike my talent isnt being recognized either.
Mike: Don't you start, talk to Dr F about it.

DEL: Oh, Charlie. Now is not the time.

Tom: (as Del) And youre sitting too close.

CHAR: Look, look. I've got these really good greeting card ideas I want you to listen to.
DEL: Charlie, can't this wait 'til tomorrow?
CHAR: No, no, no. I've got to get these ideas out now, so I can make room for the new ones. Birthday cards for pets, because, you know they are born and stuff. Alright. Happy birthday, little pooch you're such a little mutt. But please don't give my face a smooch, because you lick your butt.

Crow: And you wonder why Hallmark turned this guy down.

[Scene 4: A video store. Chandler and Annie are looking at videos.Chandler eyes Annie, goes to shelf to try to impress her.]
Mike: Hey! (points) Its Chandler!
Tom: I'll be darned.
Crow: What, he doesn't get enough exposure from his other show?

CHANDLER: The Piano. (picks up the video) This is my lucky day. They never have this in.

Tom: Oh that is so lame.
Crow: What, th epick up line? Tom: Well if he was going to use a movi, why not Schindlers List or something really brainy.

ANNIE You like that movie? CHANDLER: Oh I love it! Oh, yes. Oh, no I know what you're thinking, mostguys are in to that shoot 'em up, T&A, gratuitous nudity and filth, but, uh, I find that kind of degrading. To, ah, well, to the human spirit.

Crow: Hey, I'm still trying to recover from Harvey Keitels frontal nudity scene.
ANNIE Really?
CHANDLER: Oh, yes. Give me Holly Hunter's silent emotional struggles any day.So, ah, what are you renting? (Hands Chandler video) Sorority HouseMassacre 2. So I could have pretty much just been myself.
ANNIE So be yourself.
CHANDLER: Okay. (gets nervous; exit Chandler)

Mike: She asked for it.

ANNIE (spies on Richard) Well, well, well. If it isn't Vincent Van Dull.
RICHARD: Annie, well what are you doing here?
ANNIE I'm gonna get a hip replaced. What do you think I'm doing here? I thought you had a big party tonight.

Crow: Doesn't party mean something different to her or am I imagining things.
Mike: You're fine Crow:
RICHARD: Ah, I do. Yeah. Every year, on my birthday, my friends come over and we watch a movie. (Annie takes video)

Tom: (looks) Make a break for it guys, hes renting Billy Jack!

ANNIE: The Passion of Anna. Ooh, porn?
RICHARD: Hardly. Come on it's Bergman's masterpiece. It's it's about this crippled woman who struggles to find meaning in her life after the death ofher children, but fails.

Mike: Ah. (pauses) I dont get it.

ANNIE Well, happy birthday to you.
CHECK: (To a man at the counter) Buns of Steel, Abs of Steel, Quads ofSteel . What do you do? Like watch these and eat bacon? (the manleaves) (to Richard)Oh, hey, look at that! It's your birthday today.

Tom: Is there like an inner bell that goes off when you turn thirty Mike?
Mike: I thought I heard a bell go off when I was thirty, but it turned out to be movie sign.

RICHARD: Yeah. Yeah. I almost forgot.
SCOTT: Ouch. Thirty.
RICHARD: Look, if you don't mind, I'm kinda' in a hurry.
SCOTT: So do you like remember Eight Tracks?

Tom: (As Scott) Do you remember who shot JR?

RICHARD: Why don't you just put that in a bag so I can....
SCOTT: Hey! Hey! Hey! On your birthday, you rent one, you get one free.

Crow: One? Mike: Video.

ANNIE And this is the free one. (Places her video on the counter)
RICHARD: A phrase I'm sure she said countless times before.

[Scene 5: The hallway in Caroline's Building. Annie goes to her door.]
ANNIE (Annie opens and door goes in) The Passion of Anna, oh, yuck!(exit Annie down hall)

Crow: And hilarity ensues when she tried to return the viedo to its rightful owner.

[Scene 6: Remo's.]

Tom: (Hums italian ditty)
CAROLINE: (enter Caroline) Hey, Remo.
REMO: Bona cera, Carolina. Oh how beautiful you look. Except for that big vein bulging on your forehead.

Mike: (As Caroline) Its' that notciable is it?

CAROLINE: I'm gonna meet Del and his parents for dinner tonight. (cam flashesover to a table)

Tom: WE now see what else goes on in this restaurant.

BARB: (to a woman at another table) Excuse me, but would it have killed you to hire a baby-sitter?
Mike: Why do I have the feeeling thats not Dels mother as they so obviously imply?
CAROLINE: I see she's even more nurturing than Del described her.
REMO: I put them at the V.I.P. table.
CAROLINE: The V.I.P. table?

Tom: Vestibule In Pink?
Crow: Veal In Parmisean?
Mike: Vegetables Interegrated Properly

JOHN: Very irritating pains in the butt.
REMO: (To Johnny) Who asked you?

Corw: YEah!
JOHN: What? You're the boss. You're the one who gets to make a joke? Mavatese.

Mike: What?

CAROLINE: So is Del in the men's room?

Crow: No! He's in the ladies room powdering his nose.
REMO: Senor Del has not yet arrived.

Tom: But there is a Senor Speedy Gonzalez at the back table waiting for cheese.

CAROLINE: No, no. Tell me you're kidding. Oh my God. I had a dream about this. Only in my dream, I was stark naked and Del's mother had this big lizard head and all these snakes for hair.

Mike: Sounds like one of my blind dates.

REMO: Well, at least you're not naked.

Tom: Phooey, the one thing that would have made the episode great!

CAROLINE: You know, I don't need this. What am I going to do, Remo?
REMO: Perhaps you'd like to hide in the kitchen until Senor Del arrives.

Crow: No! She'd eat everything in site!

CAROLINE: I'm an adult. If i can make small talk with my gynecologist during an exam, I can do this.

Mike: And another thing we didn't want to know. Kinda even things out.

REMO: Let's toss this lobster into the pot and see if she screams.(Caroline and Remo walk over to the table)

Crow: OOOh good metaphor. Mike: Does that means she has to shampoo someones crotch now?

BARB: (to a waiter) I said gin. If you can't read a bottle, I suggest you find somebody who can.
CAROLINE: (turning around) Kitchen.
REMO: Okay.

[Scene 7: The Subway. Del and Charlie are still there.]

Mike: Three hours later.

CHAR: (reading) Of all the pets I've ever had, you are the very best, carry this thought with you as you scurry to your nest.

Tom: Don't they make muzzels for a guy like him?

DEL: Charlie, cockroaches are not pets.

Crow: Like that one that scatters across the floor in front of door five.

CHAR: They are if you name 'em.

Tom: I would name my "Crunch" cause I just stepped on him.

DEL: Charlie, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not having a good day.Okay? My parents are in town, the printers are on strike, and Caroline is freaked out, did I mention my parents are in town?
CHAR: Yeah. Boy it kinda' makes you wonder what else could go wrong, huh?(car stops) Wow, I hope I didn't do that with my mind.

Tom: Let's go.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading out to the desk area. Then the picture switches to Deep 13 where DR F is waiting for something.)
Dr F: Where is that guy? (door rings) be right there!
(Dr F opens the door to reveal Charlie.)
Charlie: Hey I got those what-cha-ma-hoozies for you Dude.
DR F: The turbo fosiblitzing runners, yes, thank you.
Charlie(skates around): This is a neat place. Whats this?
Dr F: Don't touch that.
Charlie: Touch what? (Touches anyway, the lights go out and the room spins. Dr F quicxkly hits another button and it stops.) Whoah that made me woozy. Let's do it again!
Dr F: No!
Charlie: Fine party pooper. (Leaves)
Dr F: This guy is worse than Frank.
Frank: (Shivering) I heard that.

Go on to the next part of Caroline and the Folks