All: Wha???
RICHARD: Booby cow?
ANNIE: No kidding?
MARY: Well it was when Caroline was ten years old. She wanted breasts so bad she drew them everywhere.
Crow: Well she must have stopped when the booby cow fairy told her to knock it off.
CAROLINE: Well enough about me. How's Uncle Bim?
Tom: Bim? Isnt that the sound that comes from...
Mike: Tom!
Tom: What?
MARY: Oh, honey, you really don't call your mother. Your uncle and I have been separated for weeks.
Crow: So they're eggs?
CAROLINE: What? You and Uncle Bim separated? You've been married like, forever. MARY: Well, honey, to be honest the marriage wasn't working for sometime. And this whole trouble of splitting up, I figure at our age, it wouldbe easier to wait for one of us to die. But with fat-free here and fat-free there, and the damn treadmill he brought home we weren't going anywhere.
Tom: (as Mary) Our car was in the shop.
ANNIE: Wow, I didn't even know people in the midwest got divorced.
Mike: Theres a lot of thiungs you don't know about us missy.
Crow: Yah! Huh?
MARY: Oh, yes we get divorced. We don't get Woody Allen movies, but we get divorced.
Crow: No real loss there.
CAROLINE: So, are you guys still friends?
MARY: Oh we were always friends we just hadn't had sex for the last eight years of our marriage.
Mike: Thats somethign we can live without.
RICHARD: Oh, will you look at that. Girl talk and me without a uterus.Oh, very charming to meet you, Mrs. Coskey.
Tom: Hate to be cynical and run.
MARY: Nice to meet you, Richard. [exit Richard]
ANNIE: Boy, there's a phrase you don't hear too often.
MARY: So, these are the men you moved to New York to meet.
Tom: New York sucks, whos for LA?
CAROLINE: I didn't move to New York to meet men, I moved to New York to get away from my fam...Yeah, these are the men.
Mike: Good save.
MARY: You know who else moved to New York?
Tom: Sherry?
Crow: Tommy?
Mike: Mary?
CAROLINE: Who?
MARY: Peter Welmerling.
Crow: Who?
CAROLINE: From junior high?
Mike: No, from Junior Mint.
MARY: Yeah. I thought I'd give Peter your phone number, maybe you could show him around the city.
Crow: You can show him the way out.
CAROLINE: Yeah, I know what you're trying to do, but I have a boyfriend.
MARY: Oh, the one without a ring.
Tom: Ouch.
ANNIE: Oooh, direct hit.
CAROLINE: Just, just promise me you won't give him my number.
MARY: Fine, Caroline. I just hope before I die...
CAROLINE: Aunt, Mary, don't.
Mike: Good old fashioned Wisconsin guilt trip.
MARY: It was worth a shot. Oh, honey, Caroline. I just want you to find true love.
CAROLINE: Isn't it enough I found this great loft? I am fine. Now you'reonly here for one day, so I thought I'd take the afternoon off and we'llgo to the Russian Tea Room for lunch and then we'll go see a matinee of Beauty and the Beast.
Crow: I thought the beast just left.
MARY: Oh, let's not go to a show. Let's go to a place where they have single men.
CAROLINE: I told you, I already have a boyfriend.
MARY: And I told you it's been eight years.
Tom: And we said we didn't want to hear that.
[Scene 2: Caroline's Apartment. Caroline and Del enter.]
CAROLINE: I just don't understand how Aunt Mary's going to be happy on acruise ship. I mean seven days where they stuff you full of food and shove you into a dark little cabin. Man, I'd feel like veal.
Crow: Actually I'd feel like a sardine.
DEL: At least she'll have cheese and crackers to go with herself.
CAROLINE: So, Richard, any messages?
RICHARD: Yeah, your agent called and he said to call him back. The breather called and he said hhaaaa, and some guy, some guy named Peter Welmerling called.
Mike: New from AT&T the cynical answering service. Get your meesages with a snide remark for free!
CAROLINE: Oh, my God, I can't believe she gave him my number.
DEL: Who's Peter Welmerling?
Crow: Thats what we want to know.
CAROLINE: Some kid I knew back in Peshtago. Braces, chess club. He threwa fetal pig at me in seventh grade.
RICHARD: Nothing like tossing around the old pig skin, huh?
Tom: (Does rimshot effect)
CAROLINE: Now I'm going to have to do the polite thing and show him around New York. Hey, why don't we take him to the Statue of Liberty or the BronxZoo or something on Saturday?
DEL: Hey, you know, even better, why don't take him out Friday night?
Crow: Take him out? Is she a hitman now.
Tom: Hit woman.
Crow: Oh right.
CAROLINE: We have the opera on Friday night.
DEL: Subtlety is lost on you, isn't it?
Tom: Get the hint girl. he don't wanna go.
CAROLINE: You know, going to one little opera is not going to kill you?
DEL: Actually it could, I read about it in the Guy's Newsletter. He was....
RICHARD: How could anyone not like the opera. Opera is transcendent. Itis the most intense musical experience a person can have.
Mike: That and going to your first Cheap Trick concert is kinda nice too.
CAROLINE: Plus you get to wear those neat, long gloves!
RICHARD: You know, I'm certain that's what Mozart had in mind when he wroteThe Marriage of Figaro . 'Oh, goodie, now women can accessorize!
CAROLINE: You know, I might not be the biggest opera buff in the world,but I think it's fun to go. Del, come on, I go to the hockey games with you.
DEL: Because you're the one who likes hockey.
Crow: You hockey puck!
CAROLINE: Oh, then that wouldn't be a good example, would it? Look, allI'm trying to say is: can't you at least make an effort to try something new?
Tom: Nope.
Crow: Never happen.
DEL: Hey, I try new things all the time.
RICHARD: If this turns in to the boxers versus briefs discussion again,I'm leaving.
Mike: Us too.
CAROLINE: Richard, would you like to go to the opera with me?
RICHARD: Yes, I would love to. I haven't been to the Met in years. But,unfortunately, Shelley has plans for, oh, my life.
CAROLINE: What's she got you doing this time?
RICHARD: She's taken up acupuncture. She thinks I can be in better spiritual balance. Apparently I have an angry yang.
Crow: That would explain at lot.
Tom: Um hmm.
DEL: You're telling me.
CAROLINE: [picking up the phone] Hello? Well, huhu, to you too, pervert.Oh, Peter, gosh, I am so sorry. Still have that asthma, huh? Well, sure I'd love to get together.
Tom: Get together Mike?
Mike: As in date.
Tom: Ohhh
DEL: Opera, opera, ask him to the opera.
CAROLINE: Let me ask you something, do you like the opera? Oh, you do?
[Del is celebrating]
Crow: Subtle isnt he?
Tom: Don't hurt yourself.
DEL: Yes, he does!
CAROLINE: So, listen, I have two tickets for Friday, so, yeah....I can't hear you. Are you on a car phone? Call me back.
Mike: Is she sure he wasnt getting rid of her?
RICHARD: Well, congratulations, Del, I believe the governor just gave you a pardon.
CAROLINE: [picking up the phone] Hi, yeah, this is much better. I thought a short black dress and some heels. Right now? Peter, why do you want toknow what I'm wearing right now? Oh. [puts the phone down] That wasn't Peter.
[Scene 3: Caroline's Apartment. Annie is helping Caroline prepare forher night out with Peter.]
ANNIE: Okay, who would you rather sleep with, Ross Perot or on of those flying devil monkeys from The Wizard of Oz ?
Crow: I thought those things were one in the same.
Tom: At least a flying monkey doenst have pie charts.
Crow: Good point Servo.
CAROLINE: Boy monkey or girl monkey?
ANNIE: [finishing Caroline's hair] There, perfect. So Del's really okay with you going out with this Peter guy?
Tom: Sure he is.
Mike: Hes just gonna hire a private detective to follow her but sure hes fine with it.
CAROLINE: It was his idea.
ANNIE: Yeah, but what if you see each other and it's like junior high all over again?
CAROLINE: What? He's going to tie me to a flag pole and rub gum in my hair?(enter Del)
Mike: Thats a hell of a date.
DEL: Wow. Look at you.
Crow: Why thank you.
Tom: He meant her.
CAROLINE: What are you doing here, honey?
DEL: Oh, I thought I'd drop by these contracts for you to sign for the Mother's Day cards.
CAROLINE: Why didn't you just send a messenger?
DEL: Messengers. I make them run around all day.
Mike:(As Del) On a little hamster wheel.
CAROLINE: [looking at the contracts] Well, these look fine.
DEL: Well you're just going to sign them? You don't read contract? They could be ripping you off.
CAROLINE: Del, they is you. It's your company.
DEL: So, I could be ripping you off. [bell rings]
Tom: Such an obvious stall tactic. He wants to see this Peter guy.
ANNIE: Del....think then speak. [Caroline goes to answer the bell]
CAROLINE: Who is it?
Crow: (falsetto) Dionne Warwick! I want to read your palm.
PETE: Hi, Caroline, it's Peter.
CAROLINE: Come on up. Well it's been 13 years. I hope he recognizes me without my Dorothy Hamill doo.
Mike: Sorry I missed that. (sticks out tongue)
DEL: Oh, is tonight that Marriage of Fiagaro thing?
CAROLINE: Yeah, that's why you made up that contract thing.
DEL: These really needed to be signed.
ANNIE: On a Friday night?
DEL: The contracts don't know it's Friday night.
Crow: Contracts are stupid dont you know.
ANNIE: Ohhh! Come on Del, admit it, you're jealous.
DEL: Oh, me of fetal pig boy? [enter Peter]
Tom: This is Peter?
Crow: Wow. (thinks) What a dope.
PETE: Hello?
Mike: What, hes not sure hes saying hello?
CAROLINE: Peter?
PETE: Caroline?
Crow: Trumpy?
Tom: Torgo?
Crow: Chief?
Tom: McCloud?
CAROLINE: Wow. You look wow.
Crow: Thanks I shined up my body this morning...
Tom: She means him.
Crow: I can't win.
PETE: Well you look pretty wow yourself. So, what's different. I can't put my finger on it.
Mike: Are you sure you want to?
ANNIE: [motioning to Caroline's bust] Oh, she finally got boobies.
DEL: And let's just try to keep our finger off them.
CAROLINE: Peter. This is my best friend Annie. [Peter and Annie shake]
Tom: Boogie!
PETE: Hi.
Crow: Low.
ANNIE: It's very nice to meet you.
CAROLINE: And my boyfriend, Del.
PETE: Hi.
DEL: [getting up] Oh.
PETE: Is something wrong?
Tom: (as Del) Being macho, don't mind me.
DEL: It's just my back. It's what I get for trying to set a new benchpress record at the gym.
PETE: Oh, yeah? Do you want me to take a look at it? I'm an orthopedic surgeon.
Crow: Gives a whole new meaning to "My boyfriends back."
Tom: Hee hee.
ANNIE: I think we have a winner.
Mike: We definately had a weiner there.
Tom: Bob, show her whats shes won!
Crow: An all expense paid trip to Hollywood!
Tom: Yay!
DEL: No, no. I'm okay. Thanks anyway.
Crow: Well youre not allright but youre welcome anyway.
CAROLINE: Curtain's in a half and hour, so shall we?
PETE: Yeah.
CAROLINE: I don't know why I'm saying 'shall.' I guess I'm just dressedup for the opera and it just seemed right.
PETE: Hey, Del, do you want to join us for a drink afterwards? It's the least I can do after stealing your beautiful girlfriend away for anight.
Mike: So why is he with Caroline?
Tom: Hee Hee
DEL: Hey, you haven't seen her in the morning--when she is even more radiant if you can believe that.
ANNIE: Del...speak, no babble.
CAROLINE: If you change you mind, we'll be at Remo's.
Tom: (sings) Take a chance on meeeeee.
DEL: [kiss] No, no, you guys go have fun. Talk about the old days.
ANNIE: Screw the old days. Talk about me.
Crow: Wow, if they start going on that they will never make it to the opera.
CAROLINE: Bye. [they leave]
ANNIE: I've got to hand it to you. Despite a few dicey moments, you seemed pretty self-confident.
DEL: Oh, come on. I'm not worried about this guy.
ANNIE: Really?
Mike: Hes so jealous. Hes alerady got one foot out the door.
DEL: Why, do you think I should be?
ANNIE: Well if it was me and my girlfriend went to the opera with a rich,great looking doctor, I'd be jealous. I'd also be a lesbian, but I'd be jealous.
[Scene 4: Richard's Apartment. Richard is in the closet hiding from Shelley.]
RICHARD: Put the needles away.
Tom: I don't want to be a pin cushion.
SHELLEY: It won't hurt.
All: (Scoff.)
Crow: Yea right.
RICHARD: Put the needles away.
SHELLEY: Well if I don't practice I'll never get my acupuncture certificate.Look, I know it's a little scary, but it will help break through your trust issues and it just might help clear up those sinuses.
Mike: It'll clear up more than that if she does it wrong.
RICHARD: Shelley, for the last time, no. [knock at the door]
SHELLEY: You don't have to knock, Richard. Just come on out. [another knock]Oh! [opens the door to reveal Del] Hey, Del.
Crow: Not the sharpest knife is she?
Tom: Or the sharpest pin in the acupuncture case.
RICHARD: Hey, Shelley. Is Richard around?
SHELLEY: He's hiding in the closet--baby.
Tom: Dont call me baby.
Crow: She meant Richard.
RICHARD: [coming out] Del?
Mkke: Farmer in the del?
DEL: What are you doing in there?
Tom: Talking to Ellen, she could come out at anytime.
RICHARD: Trying to preserve the integrity of my epidermal layer.
DEL: Who talks like that?
Crow: Just that guy.
SHELLEY: I know.
RICHARD: Del, what are you doing here?
DEL: Richard, I never thought I'd say this, but I need you. [Richard goes back into the closet]
[Scene 5: The Opera.]
CAROLINE: So have you ever seen Figaro before?
Tom: On the back of a milk carton once.
PETE: Well, actually, I've conducted it. We had a little performing society in medical school.
CAROLINE: Well I'm really looking forward to seeing it. [enter a lady with very big hair] I'm really looking forward to hearing it.
Tom: We gotta go.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading out to the desk area. We see Mike and the bots sitting in a opera box seat wearing very spiffy clothes.)
Crow: What is Gypsy gonna sing for us?
Tom: I Don't know. But I am so glad we got the best seat in the house.
Mike: Tom its the only seat in the house.
CRow: Oh here she comes!
Mike: Gyspsy youlook beautiful.
(Gypsy is bedecked in a sequined hat that covers most of her head.)
Gypsy: Thank you. And now my song.
(Gypsy starts singing a song, but no one could tell what shes saying. This goes for a couple minustes and then the song ends.There is silience for a couple of seconds)
Tom: That was uh lovely Gypsy.
Gypsy: If you guys stick around, you can hear me do "West Side Story".
Mike: As much as we'd like to we got sitcom sign!
Go on to the nxt part of Caroline and the Opera
