Charlene: Goddess and All Around Cool Person

First there was Helen of Troy, then there was Guinevere of Camelot, now there is Charlene Lightbown: Artists talk of a perfect beauty. This beauty is not something you lust for though. This perfect beauty is of the world and wouldn't shine as bright if seen by one set of eyes. Satisfaction comes from observing this beauty and nothing more. You could sit and just look for hours at her angelic face and dream of a far off fairy land were the only thing that exists to bother you is the thought of blinking and maybe missing a moment of her existance. Nothing more than this, nothing carnal, nothing dirty, nothing vile, just observing. In a world where everything is so hurried it is comforting to know that the beauty spoken of hundreds of years ago by dead Italians can still exist today. Time spent in the company of Ms. Lightbown flies until, before you know it, it is time to leave. Her absence leaves an empty void unfillable by anything else. This young lady is by far the coolest person to ever walk God's (whatever god you worship, we accept people of all creeds here at Chris's Crappy Homepage) green earth. She has existed all of 23 years and will celebrate her birthday on July 15. All interested in wishing this being of perfection a happy birthday should e-mail her at reasonforliving@hotmail.com and your well-wishes will be passed along. (Please forgive me Ms. Lightbown for telling your age but I think it important that everyone in the world know as much about you as possible.) Charlene owns a cat that, although I have never met it, I'm sure is very cool. It ate a stereo speaker cord, how cool is that? True, I have only met her once and it was only for a few days but if you were there you would see the world through "Charlene-colored glasses" too. She lives with two other women who, though cool in their own ways, are nothing compaired to Charlene. Her hair is the color of leaves right before they fall off the trees in the Fall when many people travel many miles just to behold the breath-taking sight. Claudio, in William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing said it best when he said, "In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever looked on (I. i. 183-184)." I have no picture of her just yet but I have discovered that the actress named Kiberly Williams looks just like (kinda' like) Charlene. Here is a picture of her:

What does this goddess like to do?

Well she seemed to get a kick out of playing in that quasi-chatroom-thing called mRIC. She went on-line with Beth Follett, my cousin and one of her roommates, under the name "hotbabes". Standing a mighty 4' 11" she could take you in a fight anytime. Think about all of the other cool things that are 4' 11". If you can't remember a phone number than you just dial 411 and you are connected to a great little service that will give you any info you could want. How cool is that? Some things that try to be 411 and fail, suck. Take that band 311 for instance. Listen to one of their songs. Go ahead, I'll wait. Done? Suck don't they? From what I can peice together from my notes, Charlene has family in Tampa, Florida and among them a sister named Amy. (Boy do I sound like I'm stalking her or what?) I can't tell you her favorite food but I did see her eat a Supreme Taco from Taco Bell once.

Who would be the bedfellow of her dreams?

Well inside sources say Mel Gibson, star of stage and screen (we'll forgive Mel for making "Galipolli" because Charlene likes him, you got away easy this time buddy), or George Clooney, once supervisor at a plastics plant, now doctor, and soon to be crime fighter. Hey, doesn't that new Batman costume suck? Do me a favor. Pick up a copy of the April 1997 issue of "Vanity Fair" and turn to page 355, whose idea was this look? I bet it was that friggen Joel Schumacher, this man should have died after the filming of "St. Elmo's Fire" finished. Why does he have to mess-up Tim Burten's Batman?

What makes this "Charlene" the ultimate being?

For asking such a stupid question you will be hurt. But first I'll answer your question. First off she is a good drunk. Explination: A bad drunk will spill their beverage all over your sofa and then dance around the room with a lampshade on their head until they fall over and puke in the lampshade forever giving your room that awful brownish-green tint. A good drunk will entertain before drinking, while drinking, and after drinking, with stimulating conversation about Chauser's "The Canterberry Tales" and the great "Decameron". Would that I could have been present at her birth to proclaim these words earlier, but that's why God invented time travel.

Wait a minute. You meet the coolest person on earth and talk about British Lit.?

Why not. What would you talk about?

Okay, continue explaining her coolness.

Thank you. Her ("their" if you include the roommates) neighbors are an interesting bunch. They drink to excess and urinate on other people's cars. This is not as cool as it sounds. What she does in such situations is pure greatness. She calls the cops and watchs as the inebriated violators are taken away. Thank you Charlene for making the world safe for decent folk by stoping such stupidity in it's tracks. Charlene is also a deity. I don't mean one of those religious nut-balls that thinks a spaceship is hiding behind a comet. No, no, no. She is actually considered a goddess by 38 tribes in Africa (I've been told one of these tribes doesn't count because it broke off from another tribe but who cares?). She also has the coolest movie chosen as her all-time favorite: "Drop Dead Fred". Remember that great scene with everyone's imaginary friends at the hospital? Or how about that great touching scene at the end when the little girl is all grown and Fred leaves to become the friend of some other small child? And the biggest reason she is listed here: she laughs. I can't even begin to tell you why the laugh is cool. Do you remember Billie Burke as Glenda the Witch of the North from "The Wizard of Oz"? Well, when she comes down and turns to Judy Garland as 12-year-old Dorothy and inquires, "Are you a good witch or a bad which?" Dorothy answers, "Why I'm not a witch at all." Then Glenda does this little giggle and ... well ... it's this laugh that Charlene does. I told you, she rules.

I need more proof.

Fine. If you move arround the letters in her name you get clear light non web h. Here, Charlene is obviously the "clear light." In chat room talk "h" means "hate" or "hates." So I gathered that she doesn't hate the web and really WANTED a page with her divine name on it. Another interesting fact is if you change the letters in her first name and the first names of her two roommates (Beth and Mayra) you get Be the light. Be my own. Chan L ra-ra. The meaning of this is obvious. We are called to be light, or to be like Charlene and she is calling us to be her "own." "Chan L ra-ra" takes some explination. In some circles it is thought that the term "ra-ra" refers to stupid people. If you say out lound "Chan L" it sounds like channel, as in to lead away. This last cryptic part tells us that those too stupid to accept Charlene as wicked super cool will be led away from the rest.

If she is a goddess than what is her message here on earth?

I like to think that the reason Charlene exists is too beautiful to understand, so I just sit back and let her etheral nature light up the room.

The Top Ten Things Charlene Lightbown is Cooler Than:

• Kurt Vonnegut
• The Theme to the TV Show "Cheers"
• All of the Kebler Elves
• Raw Cookie Dough
• Sunsets on the Beach
• Grape Juice
• The World Wide Web
• The Care Bear Stare
• Oxygen
• Sailor Moon

Some Stupid Links

I have to talk to Charlene to see what she thinks of the page and then maybe I can put some links up that deal with her interests.

Back to that Homepage I pretend is so cool.
Here are someother people that don't suck.
Geocities made this tribute to Charlene possible ... thank them you unworthy bastards ... sorry.