As more and more fun stuff happens with "BachelorMan", I thought I'd put up a page that would keep you informed of all the latest news, photos, links and other wet-and-wild goings-on associated with our - yes, I can say it - Award-Winning Film!

Excuse me: MULTIPLE Award-Winning Film. Heh. Sweet.

MARCH 17, 2004 - RODNEY LEE INTERVIEWED... AND A RELEASE DATE ANNOUNCED!:  Writer/producer/actor Rodney Lee Conover was recently interviewed by Jonathan Hickman for UGO.com. And he finally announced a release date for "The Year's Best Comedy" (as I'm sure it'll be called by all reviewers... have I mentioned that I have a rich and happy fantasy life?). Here's the scoop...

Sex and the Single Comic: Comedian Rodney Lee Conover tells us that BachelorMan hits Theaters in September. March 14, 2004 by Jonathan W. Hickman “BachelorMan” is an extremely funny independently made film. After making its rounds at the various festivals, it was picked up for North American distribution by Newmark/Echelon Entertainment Group. The movie will make its theatrical splash on September 10th, 2004. Creator and co-writer Rodney Lee Conover spoke with me about his creation and the road to theatrical release. “BachelorMan” is a romantic comedy loosely based on characters from comedian Conover’s stand-up act. The film stars David DeLuise (son of Dom DeLuise) and Missi Pyle and tells the story of Ted Davis, a ladies man programming executive working for a wacky sports cable network (featuring hilarious programs like senior women’s hockey) who becomes smitten with his sexy next door neighbor. When the sex talking flat out tough neighbor rejects Ted he does everything in his considerable power to land the chick and comedy ensues. In the EI interview, Conover talks about sex and the single man and what it takes to avoid tying the knot without going blind in the process. Oh, yeah, and we talk about “BachelorMan” the movie. EI: What's good about being a bachelor? Rodney Lee Conover: You mean besides fabulous babes, right? Something other than fabulous babes? Okay, first we still retain visiting rights to our genitals. Also, unlimited beer consumption is pretty cool. The best thing about being a bachelor is that you still get to masturbate. Everyone knows that once a man gets married he does not have to and will likely never masturbate again... EI: It took you a long time to get "BachelorMan" to the screen. What were some of the problems? RLC: They didn't want to shoot it in color and I insisted - made it a deal breaker. Rodney (far right) with Sean and Westie. Having Bachelor-type fun. EI: "BachelorMan" is an independently financed film, why? I mean the story is one that should be perfect big studio material. Did being independent help craft the story according to your vision?  RLC: Fortunately, we lucked out and were able to get Sundance almuni John Putch (“Valerie Flake,” “Pursuit if Happiness”) to direct “BachelorMan.” He supplied the vision and was able to take the script and make a great film. He deserves all the credit for the great story-telling here. EI: You are a stand-up comedian and some of "BachelorMan" is taken from your act. What did you learn when the screenwriters took your characters and put them into a script? RLC: I learned to never befriend screenwriters, ever again. EI: Does getting a girlfriend (or wife) hurt your hipness (not to mention your golf handicap)? How can a married or attached man safely retain some of the good things about being a bachelor? RLC: Sorry, once you're married, it's over. Go look in the crisper for your penis if you ever need it for anything. EI: David DeLuise seemed like he was a perfect choice for the role of Ted. RLC: The studio wanted Nicole Kidman but fortunately, we ended up making it independently and got the charming and perfect Mr. DeLuise, who is Dom's youngest son, by the way. EI: Any advice you can give to bachelors or bachelorettes out there? And the popular bachelor shows, are they a sign of the decay of American culture or what?  RLC: I, in fact, invented the entire concept of decaying culture. Every time someone gets lucky with the opposite sex, I get a small commission check. EI: What's next? RLC: A political feature film about lesbian Eskimos getting ripped off by the man. They pull together and get the word, "igloo" written into the Constitution. They call it a "Dramedy" here in Hollywood.

Nice. September 10th it is. Personally, I think this is a smart choice. If we were to start a slow roll-out of the film in May, we'd have found ourselves staring into the gaping maws of all the Summer blockbusters. And while I have complete and total faith in "BachelorMan," it's obvious that we can't compete with the likes of "Spiderman 2" and "Harry Potter" and all the other multi-bazillion dollar event flicks that'll be eating up screens through August. So September's good. I think we're more a Fall film, anyway.

So circle that date on your calendar. It's gonna be fun.

FEB. 20, 2004 - VARIETY ANNOUNCES "BACHELORMAN" DEAL - AND SPELLS OUR NAMES RIGHT!:  Well, if it's in Variety, then it must be official - "BachelorMan" has been acquired for theatrical distribution by Newmark/Echelon Entertainment Group. Aw heck, read it for yourself...

NEWMARK WILL FATHER 'BACHELOR' by Dave McNary Friday, Feb. 20, 2004 Volume 282, Number 40 Newmark/Echelon Entertainment Group has acquired North American distribution rights to romantic comedy "BachelorMan" from Films On Tap with plans for an April release in a dozen markets. Pic, toplined by David DeLuise (son of Dom DeLuise) and Missi Pyle, centers on a self-assured programming exec for a sports cable network who meets a mysterious woman after she moves in next door to him. "BachelorMan," loosely based on characters from Rodney Lee Conover's standup act, was scripted by Conover, Jeff Hause and Dave Hines. John Putch directed and Conover, Karen Bailey and Helen Woo produced. Pic took best picture at Chicago's IndieFest, the audience award at the Palm Beach Film Festival and the top screenplay award at the San Diego Film Festival. Producers plan to stage "BachelorMan" contests in each major market to coincide with the film's release and stage a finale in Las Vegas later this year.

Neat, huh? Always nice to be mentioned in the trades. Well, not always. Not when they report that you've been arrested on Sunset Boulevard with a transvestite hooker in your car. But usually. Usually it's nice.

And how did this little movie go so far?
Respect for the script, my friends. Respect for the script.

JAN. 13, 2004 - "BACHELORMAN" - COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU:  Yup. You read that right. "BachelorMan" has closed a deal with a theatrical distributor to bring the film to your neighborhood... or somewhere close to your neighborhood. Actually, we've heard your neighborhood is a little seedy, so we'll probably hang out in the nicer part of town. But you can still come to see us!

Missi and David on the last day of the shoot. Trying to play an
emotional scene as the busses roared past outside.

There'll be more details later - but if you live in the Chicago area, keep the month of May open. "BachelorMan" is comin' to your town, and there's gonna be a hell of a party!

NOV. 16, 2003 - BUY "BACHELORMAN" ON DVD... IN PORTUGAL:  That's right! We're now available to watch at home! If your home is in Portugal. So hey, you have to take the bad with the good.

Hmm. Judging by the logo we're apparently a "Toy Story" knockoff. Eh. Whatever moves the units.

Should you be stuck in Portugal with nothing to do,
head on down to the local Blockbuster-o and give it a rent!

All I can say is... yes, you know it's coming... VIVA O SOLTEIRAO! Whew. Learning these new languages is exhausting.

NOV. 15, 2003 - BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH OF HIM... :  John Putch has had the gall to direct a film which we didn't write - though considering the subject is Alzheimer's Disease, perhaps that's for the best. "A Time to Remember" stars Doris Roberts and Dana Delaney. But as far as I'm concerned, any film that Putch directs? He's the draw.

Like the ad says - premieres Sunday, Nov. 23, with an
encore showing on Thanksgiving.

The film also features a certain Rodney Lee Conover as The Butcher. No, no - not a serial killer. An actual butcher. I think. They don't really delve too deeply into the character's private life, so if you wanna picture him as a serial killer in his spare time, go right ahead.

You know that the film will be well-directed, the actors will be giving excellent performances, and the script will be realized to its fullest potential. Why? Because John Putch directed it. Check it out.

NOV. 3, 2003 - COAST-TO-COAST AWARDS:  It was another good weekend for "BachelorMan", as we won not one, but TWO film festivals! We took the jury awards for Best Feature at the Annapolis Film Festival in Maryland, and the Valley Fest in Los Angeles. It never gets old, man.

A nice little behind-the-scenes shot as Rodney
gets ready for his close-up.

This gives us 14 awards now on the festival circuit: 10 for Best Feature... two for Best Actor... and two for Best Screenplay. Not too shabby for a fun little sex comedy that took eight years to get made, eh?

OCT. 25, 2003 - ANOTHER NEW POSTER:  In a continuing attempt to craft a poster that captures the attitude and appeal of the film, a fourth version has appeared on the scene.

It's like a greatest hits poster, compiling
the stuff that worked in all the other posters.

Whaddaya think? I think it's the best one yet. It's got the correct typeface (matching the film's title sequence), David's dominating though Missi's well-represented, the animation is featured, my name is spelled correctly... looks good to me!

OCT. 12, 2003 - ARPA FILM FESTIVAL - MULTIPLE AWARD-GASM (okay, I was stuck for a headline, so sue me):  Last night was a fun, dignitary-filled screening at the ARPA Film Festival, where we were blessed with the presence of darn near every above-the-liner on the film. Director John Putch (who also screened his great documentary "This is My Father"), stars David DeLuise and Missi Pyle, writer/producer Rodney Lee Conover, producer/actors Karen Bailey and Helen Woo, writer/co-producer Jeff Hause, editor Randy Carter, actors Robert Romanus, Sean Masterson, Melissa Jones, Bridget Ellen and Laurie Shiers - they all showed up! The screening went well (and kudos to the ArcLight for projecting it correctly and getting the sound right - an all-to-rare event for a digital film), the Q&A was lively and fun, and a good time was had by all. At least so far as I could tell. No fistfights broke out, so I'll assume that means everyone enjoyed themselves.

And oh yeah - there was some party-crasher that came to the screening and hung out afterward. Some guy named Drew Carey. Pfft. Freeloader.

But the story doesn't end there. At the gala awards ceremony tonight "BachelorMan" was lucky enough to win another jury award for Best Screenplay. And the biggest surprise? All three writers' names are on the award! As one of the writers I'd like to thank the ARPA Film Festival... and their engraver.

And it STILL doesn't end - "BachelorMan" also won the Audience Award for Best Feature! A two-fer! Once again, life with "BachelorMan" is good.

There to accept the awards were Helen Woo, Rodney Lee Conover,
Karen Bailey and John Putch.
(I'm a little concerned about the finger Putch is using to
balance that award...)

Now what's a film gotta do to get some fuckin' DISTRIBUTION in this town?

SEPT. 28, 2003 - BACK ON TOP IN THE MOUNTAINS:  "BachelorMan" continued its victory lap of the festival circuit this weekend by taking the jury award for Best Comedy Feature at the Lake Arrowhead Film Festival. I wasn't able to make it to the screening, so I don't know how things went. However I can tell you a few stories about the times my family went camping at Lake Arrowhead when I was a kid...

... But because we're friends, I won't.

Viva BachelorMan... fuck yeah!
(I just noticed something - if you check out the chips on the
table... Dave West is getting his ASS kicked!)

Just a reminder to anyone in the Southern California area, we're back at the ArcLight Theatres on October 11 - the very same place we held our triumphaant premiere earlier this year. If you'd like to see the film in a great setting with a kickass digital projection system (instead of the muddy, third-generation-video look we've been getting at some festivals), come on out. There'll be potential distributors in the audience, so the only requirement is that you laugh real loud and clap real hard.

And maybe, just maybe, sleep with one or more of the writers. But that part's not written in stone!

Hope to see you there.

SEPT. 21, 2003 - SAN DIEGO FILM FESTIVAL - WE GET SURPRISED: Now this was fun. "BachelorMan" rolled into the San Diego Film Festival for our noontime screening on Saturday the 20th. Not that we don't appreciate being accepted to screen, it's just that - in our opinion, anyway - "BachelorMan" is NOT a film to screen during the middle of the day. We're a nighttime movie. A leave-the-theatre-and-go-out-and-party movie, not a leave-the-theatre-squinting-in-the-sunlight-and-wondering-if-it's-too-early-to-start-drinking movie. So the response, while good, was not as raucous as in other screenings. But no matter, most everyone stayed for the Q&A after the film, and a good time was had by all.

Now let's fast forward to that night. To the big party at the Hilton where the festival awards are handed out.

Let me set the scene. It's Rodney, Putch, Dave West, Keith Duggan, Julie Morgan, Melissa Jones and I at the gala. It's a 40's theme party, which of course means that none of us are dressed 40's style. Most of us are barely dressed party-style. But we hang around because... well, because our "filmmaker" badges get us into the VIP Lounge, where there's free wine.

Keith Duggan, Rodney Lee and I get all excited
over the smallest things.
(That "BachelorMan" sign now hangs in my home,
courtesy Mr. John Putch - the only one of us
tall enough to snag it.)

In any event, we're all milling about, having fun, secure in the knowledge that,  let's face it, we're not winning anything. I mean, we're a goofy comedy that got a noon time slot. So no pressure, just drink up and have fun.

They begin to announce the awards. Now, I don't know where anyone else is, but I'm with Dave West, who decides he'd like more free wine. We can't hear what anyone onstage is saying anyway, so we head to the VIP Lounge.

Westie gets his wine, and he and I come out of the VIP Lounge. This is when I glance up to see Rodney stepping onstage. I tell West (who can't see because he forgot his glasses... and has been drinking free wine), "Hey there's Rodney - I think we won something." So Dave takes command and pushes through the crowd so we can get closer. We get to the side of the stage (I don't have a clue what we've won, or what Rodney's saying because the sound's so muddy I can't hear him), and Rodney turns, sees me and calls me onstage. (Turns out Rodney's been up there yelling for me to get up there with him.) So I still don't know what we've won... I'm thrust onstage and the award's thrust into my hands... applause, applause... photos, flashbulbs... step up to the microphone, Dave, and say a few words...

... and honestly, I don't remember what I said. I knew better than to try and be funny, because I didn't know what the hell was going on. I think I tried to be gracious (which, actually, was probably pretty funny... not ha-ha, unfortunately). Hopefully the sound was so muddy that no one heard me. So I finish, turn to Rodney, and we get the hell outta Dodge. It wasn't until I got offstage that I actually read the engraving and saw that the award was for Best Screenplay...

... and that the only name on the award is Rodney's. LOL!

Seems the engraver took the credits from the festival program, in which someone screwed up and gave Rodney sole writing credit. Which is the great thing about "BachelorMan" - no matter what happens, good or bad, youu get a great story out of it. And this was most definitely good.

The only downside to the evening was that Jeff Hause wasn't there to share it all. Jeff and I have gone through a lot in our career, not all of it as charmed and fun and rewarding as "BachelorMan". (Remember - we've been taking gut-punches for "Once Bitten" for damn near 20 years - and that was one of our BETTER experiences!) I'd have loved him to be there and share the feeling.

(Man, reading that last paragraph really makes me hope that my "gracious" speech is lost for the ages. If that's the best I can do on the page, I can't imagine how lame my impromptu remarks musta been. Yeesh.)

But again - another great night, courtesy of "BachelorMan". Thanks to everyone who was there. You all made it really special.

SEPT. 14, 2003 - TEMECULA FILM FEST... WELL, NOT A TOTAL LOSS: I'll give it to you straight up - we didn't win squat in Temecula. But what DID we get? Stories, baby!

But if you think I'm going to make them public on the Internet, you're nuts. Trust me, though - the two nights Rodney and I spent at the Temecula International Film Festival (they invited a French guy - thus the "international" in the title) were among the funniest of my life. And the first night even built so that it ended on a sight gag! How often does THAT happen in real life?

I guess we shoulda known there'd be trouble when their
logo shows someone chucking films out of a
hot air balloon.

Okay, I will tell ONE story. Rodney and I went to the gala closing night awards banquet on the 14th. ("Gala" consisting of tables - some with chairs! - set up in the courtyard of the local cineplex, and "banquet" consisting of chicken wings and bread sticks from Pat & Oscar's. Oh, and a cash bar. Thanks.) When it came time to announce the film awards, they brought the jury onstage to give 'em out. Two men and a woman. The men proceeded to tell jokes that I sure hope they got, because no one else seemed to. So great, two of the jury members have no discernable sense of humor. I turned to Rodney and said, "We're dead." So then they hand the microphone to the female judge, who happened to be French. How do we know she's French? Because SHE BARELY SPEAKS ENGLISH! I turned to Rodney and said, "We're really dead."

How dead, I had no idea.

They announced the awards for best short, best documentary, best animation. Then they came to the award for best feature. The judges (those who spoke the language, anyway) took special care to say how they felt they'd uncovered a real gem, a truly special film. They then announced the winner, who was... well, not us. Okay, we expected that by this time. What we didn't expect was one of the judges then gushing, "And this film was actually shot right here in Temecula!"

Rodney and I looked at each other, big amazed grins on our faces. "Oh man - that takes balls!" Rodney chuckled.

But wait, I'm not done.

That's about the time I turned to see the director of this masterpiece step up to accept his award... AND HE'S GOT A MULLET! Not to mention a 70's porn star moustache. Really, does it get any better than that?

And the answer is, no. It does not.

As Rodney and I headed for the nearest bar, we walked in dumbfounded silence. Finally I turned to him and said, "Y'know what? I think we just got Punk'd." The rest of the night was spent waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of some bushes and laugh at us.

So thank you Temecula, for two great nights filled to the brim with heaping helpings of comedy gold. The memories are better than any award.

AUGUST 12, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" BLOWS AWAY WINDY CITY!: Our victory tour continues, as "BachelorMan" won the Audience Award for Best Feature at the Chicago Indiefest, while David DeLuise took home another Best Actor award! Pretty amazing stuff. With the news of each festival victory I'm astounded - not that the film is winning prizes, but how it's still such a rush to win! Man, that'll NEVER get old! (Remember, I'm one of the guys who's had to eat shit over "Once Bitten" for 18 years, so to win something other than a Razzie is really friggin' cool.)

DeLuise flashes his (literally) winning smile.

And by the way, speaking of "Once Bitten": It's coming out on DVD later this month. Pick up a copy, wouldya? I could really use the nickel royalty. (Jeff and I offered to do a commentary track for them for free, but they turned us down. Gee, who wouldn't have wanted to hear a commentary by the disgruntled writers? I think it's a safe bet that it woulda had more laughs than the movie.) But snag a copy - it'll give you a chance to see Jim Carrey before he was funny.*

(* Jim's lack of funny definitely NOT his fault. He probably worked harder to wring laughs out of that film than anything else he's ever done.)

AUGUST 1, 2003 - L.A. DANCES WITH "BACHELORMAN": Add another notch to "BachelorMan's" belt - last night the film won the Audience Award at the "Dances With Films" festival in Los Angeles. (Well, technically, Santa Monica. But let's not nitpick.) In the four festivals we've been in that allow audiences to vote, "BachelorMan" is four-for-four. Not only is it nice to win another fest, it's nice to take the award in our own backyard. Thanks to everyone at "Dances With Films" for making the festival such an enjoyable experience, and thanks to everyone who voted for us. It makes us all tingly and stuff.

Rodney, Sean, David and Dave scope out the competition.

Can a distribution deal be far behind? Stay tuned...

JULY 26, 2003 - WEST COAST PREMIERE AT "DANCES WITH FILMS" IN LA!: Last night was yet ANOTHER great time, courtesy of "BachelorMan". The film played before a full house, including such luminaries as Linda Hamilton (that's right - Sarah Connor took time out from saving the world to check out our flick!), Julie Haggarty ("Airplane!", "Lost in America" - two all-time classics of comedy), and Dom DeLuise (there, as always, to support his son - how great a dad is THAT?). A terrific crowd, big laughs, and some very nice ego-stroking were the rule of the evening. And drinking. I heard rumors to the effect that there was also some drinking.

Apparently a reviewer from Film Threat was also in attendance, and filed this report:

BACHELORMAN   by Rory L. Aronsky 2003, Un-rated, 90 Minutes, Films on Tap, LLC “BachelorMan” is both funny and frustrating at the same time, funny because of the predicament we see Ted Davis (David DeLuise) going through during the film, and frustrating because of the abrupt change of gears in the middle, a switch in tone that can easily cause a loss of interest, despite the appeal of the two leads. “BachelorMan” starts off agreeably enough as we are introduced to Ted Davis, a superstar bachelor. He attracts women with various tactics including sincerity and other tips that he dispenses to the audience in his “Bachelor Tip” moments. We’re also given glimpses into his job at Total Complete Sports Network where, at meetings, a higher-up always tells him “Programming needs to step it up”. This happens constantly until (as if director John Putch and the screenwriters sense the audience’s frustration) another bigshot there tells the guy to can it. Anyway, Ted’s really got it going on with the ladies. He knows exactly how to reel them in and is well admired by his friends with methods that seem almost God-like to them. He even imagines himself as “BachelorMan”, who we see in animated sequences every now and then. The production seems to have also managed to land themselves a good special effects house for the sequences that involve Ted going into “Bachelor Mode”. Through his eyes, we see him sizing up a woman’s breasts, legs, her smile, whether she has a wedding ring, etc. Ted’s happy, has a terrific group of friends (including a guy named Gordie Poster (writer/producer Rodney Lee Conover, who looks like a cross between Joe Don Baker and Brian Dennehy), and life is good. Trouble arises, however, when his bachelorhood is threatened, because he just might have found his dream girl. Her name is Heather (Missi Pyle) and because they live next door to each other (apartment-wise, and also because the walls are pretty thin from the likes of it), Ted constantly hears her doing the wild thing over and over and over again. It’s a great bit of humor that reaches an excellent punchline when Ted knocks on her door early on. The frustration grows when Ted and Heather begin their relationship and Ted begins to freak out because he’s losing his freedom, his ability to be flirtatious with women, being able to put his drink on a TV Guide and not a coaster. His good buds help him out up to a point, but then he’s on his own. At this point, the film becomes incredibly bogged down and sluggish. Sequences such as another visit with one of Ted’s overenthusiastic co-workers to see what he can do about getting Heather back could have easily been excised here. Despite the torturous middle section, “BachelorMan” is quite funny. And the show that Ted and his pal Gordie constantly discuss, “Then Came Tree”, would be interesting enough if it was actually on the air. The performances here are pretty good. It’s nice to see Missi Pyle in a leading role, instead of the supporting roles she takes in Hollywood in such films like "Josie and the Pussycats", though in one scene of “BachelorMan” where Ted tries to take her newspaper and she catches him, she tilts her face in a way that looks like she’s briefly channeling her character, Laliari from "Galaxy Quest". David DeLuise, son of Dom, can be annoying in certain spots, but makes Ted extremely likable. All in all, despite some of the middle section, it’s a fine effort by everyone involved.

So lemme see... the film's torturous but funny... DeLuise is annoying but likable... it's sluggish but a fine effort by everyone involved... aw fuck it, I had too good a time to nitpick (much). I mean, damn, that would still qualify as one of "Once Bitten's" BETTER reviews, so what am I bitching about? 

The film played like gangbusters. Big laughs. Much applause. Lots of smiling faces. Just like always.

And by the way, being involved with this film has definite fringe benefits. Such as...

I mean, good God man - I'm the writer.
The THIRD CREDITED writer.

Actually, this was just a friendly peck, but I use it to illustrate my point. Which is - hanging out with "BachelorMan" is friggin' FUN. (Thanks to the lovely Lisa Buda for the peck.)

JULY 21, 2003 - YET ANOTHER NEW "BACHELORMAN" POSTER!: Poster #3 has appeared on the scene, and can be viewed in all its glory by clicking on the montage below.

Gee, you'd think DeLuise's face would be cramping by now.
Plus that flower just never wilts!

Vote for your favorite! Not that we really give a shit, but it'll give you something to do. Kill a few minutes between Internet pornography hunts, anyway. 

JUNE 29, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" RAKES IN MORE AWARDS!: "BachelorMan" marched into Georgia this past weekend and received some southern hospitality when it won the Audience Award for Best Feature at the Dahlonega International Film Festival. As an added bonus - an added, much-deserved bonus - David DeLuise was voted Best Actor! For some reason we're HUGE south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Here's a short review, followed by a longer review of the film, as posted on UGO.com:

Bachelorman Although Jonathan will address this film in more detail, I will say that this film definitely has potential for mainstream success. My wife was thoroughly entertained, as was I. While there were some lulls in the laughter (as there are in most films), the movie as a whole is a success. David Deluise, as Bachelorman/Ted Davis, appears at home in front of the lens and confident in his delivery. Rodney Lee Conover, also the writer and producer of the film, performs admirably as his devoted wise-cracking sidekick. With a little luck, we might be seeing this one in theaters soon. David DeLuise, Rodney Lee and Karen Bailey discuss the absolute frickin' GENIUS of the script.

And, as promised, here's the longer review:

DIFF 2003: Bachelorman, Coming to a Theater Near You! June 28, 2003 by Jonathan W. Hickman Could this be the next Something About Mary? Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. And the song tells us that nothing don’t mean nothing if we ain’t free. Of course, freedom is relative. And, sometimes, we seek the comfort of companionship and the responsibility that goes along with it. Such is the dilemma of Ted Davis, the self-proclaimed Bachelorman featured in the very funny film of the same name. This is a self-aware film that could be the next “Something About Mary” provided that we all relax and remember that comedies don’t necessarily have to conform to the rules of political correctness. Ted (David Deluise) has in two decades managed to avoid the trappings of true love and commitment clinging to the comfort of shallow sexual gratification. His single-minded pursuit of the perfect sexual experience has rung up a number of impressive conquests and, at the same time, a laundry list of “tips” that he imparts to the audience throughout the first half of the film. For example, he aptly tells us that prior to opening the door to his apartment to a date, one must spray Pledge on the door to give the illusion that he has been dusting for his date’s arrival. Some of these tips are excellently handled and have real utility (“the lift up the hips” tip is one I personally remember from my bachelor days). Ted has bachelorhood down to a science, and, ultimately, it is chemistry that is his undoing. One day, a new neighbor arrives—a long-legged femme fatale with, apparently, a sexual appetite that rivals his own. The neighbor, Heather (Missi Pyle), spends most of her time broadcasting her sexual escapades so loudly in her bedroom that Ted’s attempts to get busy are disrupted—his partners strangely find the moaning and groaning of the neighbor so off-putting that they become uninterested in sex at all. One wonders if that would be really true. I mean, some folks find such sounds erotic and actually pay for it. But, Ted’s seemingly nympho dates suddenly become prudish once the sounds in the next room materialize. Ted Davis (David DeLuise) gets dating advice from "Veteran Sportscaster" Blake Clark. In time, Ted begins to lose his mojo, and, instead of moving, decides to learn more about his neighbor. Prior to Ted’s crush on Heather, “Bachelorman” is awfully funny producing heavy belly-laughs, but Ted’s quest for Heather’s affection almost derails the film. Without a smart combination of entertaining comedic bits involving reality programming Ted invents for an upstart television network (for example, we get croquet-skeet a funny hybridization of two completely different games) and a terrific supporting performance by Carol Locatell as Ted’s mother, the second half of the film would be a complete disaster. It is obvious that the people involved with this film all knew that the conflict between the main characters could not carry it alone and chose to utilize a number of hilarious shorts to fill in the gaps. And this is done well. We get shots of senior women’s hockey (watched by Mom with gusto), a “Kung Fu” type television series lead by comedian Tree, and even an animated Bachelorman together with many other gags all of which help move the film along giving it a feature running time. While “Bachelorman” is clearly superior to films like “Just Married” or “The Sweetest Thing” it still fails to have the same heart that the Farrelly Brothers manage to weave into their best irreverent work. What we end up with is fun and games involving shallow characters who we could care less about when it is over. And, maybe, that doesn’t matter, maybe, we are not meant to think about the characters as if they might really exist. Maybe, that is the point. It is just that I just always feel that the best comedy arises from those tragic insecurities to which we can relate. Empathy is important, and while we like Ted, we never believe he is much more than his computer generated animated likeness. “Bachelorman” would make one Hell of a cable series pilot and given the fact that I watched a digitally projected print (or version) of the film at the Dahlonega International Film Festival, it just felt like it was headed for Showtime. Anyone who has caught a few episodes of the sometimes insightful but kinda flat “Out of Order” would see “Bachelorman” the series as a fresh and amusing alternative. Of course, it is unlikely that a risk will be taken with “Bachelorman” given the failure of the underrated HBO series “Mind of the Married Man” (I’ve read ton’s of scathing reviews on the Internet and I think all of them are wrong). You see, parity is difficult achieve—it is okay to have “Sex and the City” but only if you concentrate on it from the female perspective, anything else, is misogynist and sexist, or so I’m told. It is unfortunate that people can’t just relax and enjoy the freedom to laugh. After all, we are nothing without it.

So okay, obviously I think he's wrong about the second half of the film, and the ultimate likeability of the characters, but who am I to quibble? I'd gladly be half of "Something About Mary", and it's nice to start getting a little more recognition on the Web. Now let's get that aforementioned "little luck" and get this puppy into theatres!

JUNE 19, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" MAKES ITS MID-WEST DEBUT!: "BachelorMan" played the Waterfront Film Festival in Saugatuck, Michigan this past weekend, marking its mid-west premiere. The film was reportedly very well received, despite being shown in what has been described as a "boat house". Once again, two of the three writers were not present. Which got me to thinking...

Hmmmm. Okay. So maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be there after all... Forget I said anything.

MAY 28, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" RETURNS TO FT. MYERS BEACH: Proof that once you've seen "BachelorMan" you just can't get enough of it - there'll be another screening of the film in Ft. Myers Beach on Saturday, May 31.

I believe that's called an "encore". It's what people do when they like what they've seen so much that they just have to see it again. Yup - once "BachelorMan" gets inside you, there's no getting it out. Like SARS, but with laughing instead of coughing.

MAY 16, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" INVADES FRANCE - FRENCH SURRENDER!: Okay, so they didn't surrender, and we aren't the new kings of France (no matter HOW much that would improve things). But we're there, alright! Just looky!

How cool is this? For all I know it's hanging over the men's room,
but still - it's a men's room at CANNES!
(And look! Lower left hand corner - it's Mr. Spock!)

After not getting accepted to screen at the Cannes Film Festival, "BachelorMan" took the only acceptable alternative: When they don't invite you to the party, you crash it. Viola! "BachelorMan" est la merde! (D'une bonne maničre.)

MAY 9, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" IN MORE FILM FESTS!: Yup, you read me right - "BachelorMan" has been accepted into six (count 'em!) more film festivals! They are (in no particular order): The Dahlonega International Film Festival in Georgia... the Waterfront Film Festival in Saugatuck, Michigan... the Rehoboth Beach Independent Film Festival in Delaware... the Bahamas World Film Festival in, well, the Bahamas... the Melbourne International Film Festival in Australia... and the Revolution Perth International Film Festival, also in Australia. In the words of my high school self - "Bitchin' ass!"

Here's what the good folks at the Revolution Perth International Film Festival had to say about our little flick...

So finger lickin' good you'd think we wrote it ourselves! But you know we didn't, because we'd never spell "favorite" with a "u". (Plus I have no idea what "international struggles" are. But what do I care? I'm too busy being one of "the US' most renowned comic minds". Woo-hoo!)

APRIL 28, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" GOES TWO-FOR-TWO... TWICE: That's right - we've been in two film festivals, and we've won 'em both! The scene of our latest triumph was the Ft. Myers Film Festival in Florida. ("BachelorMan" = Big In Florida. All that bad stuff I said after the 2000 election? Water under the bridge. My new favorite state is Florida - or, as Homer Simpson called it, "America's Wang".) 

The poster for the 2003 Ft. Myers fest. It's so classy,
who'd-a thunk they'd like a movie with more fake orgasms
than a night in Hugh Hefner's bedroom?

"BachelorMan" took home the jury award for Best Feature, which is called the "Director's Favorite". We also won the Audience Award for Best Feature, which is the same award we won in Palm Beach. So we're two-for-two again - both the feature awards go to "BachelorMan". Which is ever so cool.

Here's some press coverage, just in case you think I'm lying. Oh ye of little faith...

Fort Myers Beach Fest Likes BachelorMan May 3, 2003 Standing room only theater audiences at the Third Annual Fort Myers Beach Film Festival, April 24 - 27, chose BachelorMan as their favorite among the 40 films shown at the festival. The awards were announced Saturday at an elegant awards gala. We were well represented. From left: Karen Bailey, John Putch,  Robert Romanus, Missi Pyle, Rodney Lee Conover, David DeLuise and Helen Woo. (Photo taken by some paranoid guy who thinks slapping a copyright over the image will stop people from swiping it and sticking it on their websites. Naive fool!) Directed by John Putch with producers Tad Lebeck, Karen Bailey, Rodney Lee Conover, and Helen Woo, BachelorMan is a comedy starring David DeLuise who has honed his dating skills only to meet his match in the role played by Missi Pyle. Actor Robert Romanus, who also attended the festival, plays a corporate executive at the firm where BachelorMan works. The film was written by Rodney Lee Conover, Jeff Hause, and Dave Hines. Directors of the Third Annual Fort Myers Beach Film Festival chose their favorite as BachelorMan, giving the independent film two awards to take home from the Fort Myers Beach Film Festival.

Neat, huh? Note that two-thirds of the writing team were absent - these film festivals have to start paying airfare for the true heroes of the production! (Yeah, I know. You're not buying it, and neither are they. Can't blame a guy for trying.)

Here's the new poster. CLICK on it
to see a bigger version.

As a side note, Dave West (who plays Artie in "BachelorMan") also had a film in competition in Ft. Myers. His short film "Puddlejumper" won the award for Best Short Film. So congratulations, Westie! "Puddlejumper" is the story of... oh hell, I'll let the press release speak for me:

"Puddlejumper" tells the story of an international traveler's worst nightmare - what happens when human nature meets mother nature, innocent flirtation meets exuberant pain, ultimately when desire meets desperation.

In short, a trip to Mexico, a very pretty girl, a small plane with no bathroom, and the world's worst case of Montezuma's Revenge. "Puddlejumper" is very, very funny, and very, very well made. Dave West shows that he won't be a good director someday - he is one now. Check out their website for more fun stuff.

As if Montezuma's Revenge isn't bad enough, imagine trying
to hold on while simultaneously attempting to pick up a pretty girl.

So another great weekend for "BachelorMan", and all those associated with it. Nice.

APRIL 11, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" WINS AUDIENCE AWARD FOR BEST FEATURE AT PALM BEACH INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL: Yep, in the words of Rodney Lee - We Came, We Screened, We Conquered. The PBIFF was the first film festival with the foresight to accept "BachelorMan", and their faith in us was well deserved, as we took home the big prize of the night. Winning the Audience Award is especially gratifying because "BachelorMan" was always designed to be an audience-pleaser, not a film-festival-jury-pleaser. Because let's face it, if you wanna win the jury award at a film festival you have to make, oh let's say a rural Philippine drama about impoverished schoolchildren. (Ohmygod! What a coincidence! That's what won!) To win the jury prize you had to get two out of three votes. To get the Audience Award we were in competition with every other film in the fest, with hundreds of audience members voting for their favorites. It's the prize we wanted. It's the prize we got. And it was very, very cool.

FILM FESTIVAL REVIEW BACHELORMAN: BachelorMan has the same traits as its lead character, the smiling schmoozer of a ladies' man who always gets his girls: It's a sex comedy that's completely irresistible. You get charmer David DeLuise (youngest son of Dom) in the lead as Ted, and comically strong Missi Pyle as the unconquerable girl next door. Add to that a few entertaining special effects having to do with Ted's preterhuman bachelor superpowers, and moviegoers might consider this a score.

Wanna see more PBIFF stuff? Head on over to the official "BachelorMan" site.

APRIL 20, 2003 - "BACHELORMAN" CONTINUES TO GET GREAT REVIEWS ON IMDb: Since we began screening the film, people have been logging onto the Internet Movie Database and writing their own reviews - all of which are good. Like this...

Date: 12 April 2003 Summary: David DeLuise is a star - Great film, too. Smart, funny, clever film. Heir to the Ross Hunter comedies (Pillow Talk, etc.) of the 60's that play off of the human condition and romance. David DeLuise is that rare combination of very, very funny and very, very sexy. He's got the goods and should be a star. Missy Pyle is great and a perfect foil for him. It is nice to see her with more to do than she had in "Bringing Down the House" (which she stole) and it is clear she could do just about anything else as well. Rodney Lee Conover will probably be inundated with offers to be everyone from Mel Gibson to Adam Sandler's "best friend" after this, but could easily carry his own pic as well. And he is a co-writer, too. Great direction from John Putch. Lotta' talent here. Lotta' fun, too.

And this... 

Date: 3 March 2003 Summary: The only guide for bachelors. Great movie! Extremely entertaining! The use of the "Bachelor Dating Tips" is hysterical and very effective. This is THE movie to see for anyone who has been a bachelor, yet this is not a "guy" movie. Ironically, this is a great date movie which points out the flaws and devices used in modern dating technique (but it is also really entertaining!) The humor lies in the truthful observations of "Ted", played by David DeLuise. Overall a really fun movie!

And even this...

Date: 23 February 2003 Summary: Hysterically Funny, Witty, Warm and Charming from Beginning to End! BachelorMan is a must see film! Extremely well written with laughs from the first five minutes of the movie all the way through to the end. David Deluise is absolutely fabulous as the oh so charming and invincible "BachelorMan". He easily handles the comedy of the film, and just as easily sinks his talents into the touching and gentle moments that show his amazing versatility as an actor. Ladies, you can't help but fall in love with him! His "BachelorWoman" challenger, Missy Pyle, is just as charming, and talented as her counterpart, and together, they create an invincible duo. Missy captures the audience with strength, humor and delightful warmth. And of course the entire cast adds the finishing touch to create a delightful witty comedy! This is definitely a date movie of the highest caliber! Director, John Putch, is a brilliant director. He is extremely detailed, and precise with his films, from the care he takes in nurturing his actors, to the camera angles, to the editing, the animation and the music, he make the whole film come together superbly. The audience, myself included, laughed from the first scene, straight through to the end, until my sides hurt. There hasn't been a good tummy tickler like this, out there for a long time, and it was refreshing to laugh so hard! And if that's not enough, just when ya think it's over....ya laugh while the credits roll as well! If you are wondering who to take to BachelorMan, I'd say anyone and everyone. The audience at this particular screening ranged from late teens to seniors and everyone there had huge smiles on their faces as they left the theater. Hollywood needs more charming, uplifting comedies like this one! Run don't walk to the nearest theater and catch "BachelorMan." This definitely gets "TWO THUMBS UP" and then some!

So if all the reviews are good, how come we only rate a 4.9 score out of a possible 10? When you visit the page which reveals the "User Ratings" for the film, 5 people give it a 10, 1 person a 9, 2 people an 8, and 1 confused person a 4. Which should give us a User Rating of 8.8. SO WHERE DO THEY GET OFF GIVING US A FRIGGIN' 4.9? 

Ooooohhhhh, wait a minute - the 4.9 is a "Weighted Average". I see. That explains it. All comes clear.

But, uhhhh, what's a "Weighted Average"?

Well, lemme allow the good folks at the IMDb to explain in their own words: "IMDb publishes weighted vote averages rather than raw data averages. Various filters are applied to the raw data in order to eliminate and reduce attempts at 'vote stuffing' by individuals more interested in changing the current rating of a movie than giving their true opinion of it.

The exact methods we use will not be disclosed. This should ensure that the policy remains effective. The result is a more accurate vote average."

So in other words, they're gonna apply some random qualifiers to all the votes that come in, hoping to give a more accurate picture of the the film's true popularity by, what, decreasing the value of any votes coming from anyone working in the film industry? Or anyone living in LA County? Or anyone who shares a last name with anyone who ever worked on a movie? 

Guess what - as far as I'm concerned, "BachelorMan" currently has a rating of 8.8. No, wait. Even better, "BachelorMan" currently has a rating of 12.5 out of a possible 10. That's because I'm using my own "Double Secret Weighted Average" to count the votes. The exact methods I use will not be disclosed in an effort to ensure that my policy remains effective. The result is a more accurate vote average.

Prove me wrong.

JANUARY, 2003 - PREMIERE AT THE ARCLIGHT THEATRE IN HOLLYWOOD: Another kickass night, brought to us by "BachelorMan". We were able to score a great venue at the ArcLight Theatres on Sunset Blvd., where we not only saw the finished film in a top-of-the-line theatre, but got to piss off a bunch of snooty highbrows in line for a special screening of "The Hours"! Bonus! (How bad did we piss 'em off? We got mentioned in the LA Times a couple days later, that's how bad. Does life get any better?)

Hey, we didn't want those "Hours" snots in our theatre anyway. Bunch of buzzkills. (Plus, you'd look frightened, too, if you found yourself surrounded by "a lot of really good coats and handbags, much Coach and original Burberry, a few Liberty-type scarves". Not to mention "clusters and pairs of women, some holding copies of the novel from which the film was made". Brrr. Scary.)

By the way, we turned, like, 50 to 100 people away.
Bad for them - good for our egos.

The screening was a success (read: laughter in all the right places... everyone in a triumphant mood... writers not beat up by marauding crowd). The afterparty was also a blast, helped by the presence of our old friend booze. Life, for one night, was good. Very, very good.

Jeff and I with Missi Pyle after the ArcLight screening:
Three giddy schoolgirls.

MARCH, 2003 - DAVE'S DAD LIKES "BACHELORMAN": Okay, this may not seem like such a much to you, but believe me, it was big. My father spent a few days in town in March, during which time I showed him "BachelorMan". Keep in mind that, to my dad, my life's work consists of "Once Bitten", okay? Not exactly bragging material. And even though I'm very proud of "BachelorMan", there's still the fear and pressure associated with showing your work to your pop - especially when said work includes a whole lotta sex talk, a reference to someone "cinching onto your ballsack", and a big fake cock.

And I think my dad was feeling pressure, too. He kept dropping hints, things like "You know, I'm not a big laugher," that indicated he was pretty sure he was gonna like this film about as much as "Once Bitten" or "Desperate But Not Serious" (NOT a film to impress your parents with, by the way). So I recruited a friend who's a notoriously good laugher to watch the film with us - kinda priming the laughter pump, so to speak. They settled down on the couch, I fired up the DVD player, and let that sucker fly.

And the next thing I know, Mr. Not-A-Big-Laugher is laughing. A lot. All the way through. Even at the big fake cock! You know what it felt like? It felt like when you're in Little League, and you're at the plate, and the pitcher uncorks a ball that's sailing right for your head, and there's no WAY it's gonna miss you, so you kinda duck and cringe and brace for the pain... which never comes, because somehow you managed to get outta the way. And you just kinda stand there for a second in disbelief that you're not writhing on the ground in pain. THAT'S what it felt like. Only about a zillion times better.

I got to hear my dad laugh and enjoy something I'd done. I got to hear him tell me how much he liked it. Everything else from this point on is just gravy.

Though a little money would be nice...

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