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BATMAN AND ROBIN

Written by Akiva Goldsman. Directed by Joel Schumacher. Starring George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone.

'Batman and Robin' is the fourth film in Warner Brothers' unbelievably (in every sense of the word) successful 'Batman' series. I'm gonna come clean right up front and admit that I think the best 'Batman' movie was the first one... and it wasn't all that good. It's been downhill from there. The second film looked like it was made by a bored director just going through the motions. And maybe it was, because Tim Burton left this profitable franchise (as director) and handed the reins to Joel Schumacher ('Lost Boys', 'Falling Down', 'The Client'). And I guess Michael Keaton was bored, too, because he handed the rubber suit to Val Kilmer - the only actor in Hollywood with more distinctive lips than his. Upon hearing this I actually felt a spark of hope. I think Schumacher is an underrated director, the maker of some very solid films. And I remember Val Kilmer from 'Willow', in which he made a very appealing action hero. The spark grew with the casting of Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones to play the villains - hey, this might actually turn out to be fun!

Wrong. It was another mess. If anything, the third film was more jumbled and claustrophobic than the first two. I feel more closed-in watching a 'Batman' film than I do watching 'Clerks' - a film which takes place almost entirely in a convenience store. What, was Gotham City built in a glass dome? A glass dome that's been painted black? Schumacher's direction was confusing, Kilmer was so brooding as to make Michael Keaton's 'Batman' look like Curly in a 'Three Stooges' movie, and Carrey did something I'd never seen him do before - be unfunny. But the ultimate sin (for me, anyway) was that the series had finally given itself over to being nothing more than a 'comic book' movie. Anymore, when someone says they're making a 'comic book' movie, what they mean is "Who cares about the plot and characters? We'll give 'em a lot of action and wild visuals and bright colors - it's only a 'comic book' movie." Hello 'Judge Dredd'... hello 'Mars Attacks'... hello 'Barb Wire'...

... Hello 'Batman and Robin'.

George Clooney in the suit. You can't see it in this picture, but I'd
have to assume the codpiece is enormous. And where was this shot
taken? The 'up' escalator at a casino in Laughlin, Nevada?

So okay, here are the basics. (Deep breath) Batman and Robin are trying to catch Mr. Freeze who was once a prominent scientist until a terrible accident during a cryogenic experiment in which he was trying to freeze his wife who had come down with an incurable disease and he got frozen himself and now has to wear a special suit to keep his body temperature to zero degrees and the suit needs diamonds to function did I mention that? (Deep breath) Then there's also Poison Ivy who comes to town after working as a scientist in a South American rainforest but she was working for an evil guy who was twisting her experiments to create an evil creature but she gets in dutch with the evil guy who pushes her into all her venomous plants and she turns into a kinda half-plant half-woman person whose lips contain venom and that makes her kisses deadly poisonous and oh yeah she was real bookish as a scientist but one hot babe as Poison Ivy and she comes to Gotham City because she thinks Bruce Wayne was in charge of the evil guy who she kills with a kiss. (Deep breath... feeling woozy...) Then there's this stuff about Alfred who is Bruce Wayne's butler and he's getting old and will probably die soon and his niece well not really his niece but she calls him 'uncle' but she's really the daughter of the love of his life shows up and her name is Barbara and she's there to give Robin the hot sweats and become Batgirl. (Deep breath... must... sit... down...) Then there are all sorts of wild action sequences and stunts and Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy team up and that doesn't totally work out because they're both crazy villains and stuff and Batman and Robin and Batgirl team up to win the day and set up for another sequel with all three of them and oh yeah Alfred doesn't die but he's still old the end. (Gasp!)

Arnold takes full advantage of his acting range by playing
a frozen guy!

In other words, pretty much what you expected, right? Look, it's very simple - if you liked the last one you'll like this one. It's exactly the same in tone, possibly even goofier. But I've got to tell you, the sense of humor driving some of the jokes in these movies is beyond my comprehension. I mean, the first time Batman comes face-to-face with Mr. Freeze his line is, "Stop the insanity". WHAT? A Susan Powter in-joke? What year is this? The whole script is full of one-liners weaker than Pee-Wee Herman on valium. (I can use the Pee-Wee reference, his videos are hot again.) I mean, even a 'comic book' movie has to take itself seriously on some level. (The best ones do, anyway - the first 'Superman', for example. They had fun with it, but they also approached the story and characters with a measure of respect.) If this script is any indication, the 'Batman' series has now officially dissolved into complete camp. $100 million to make something so bad that people 'just have to laugh'. Man, is that sad.

There is one benefit to the dialog being so horrible, though! You'll get to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger say such lines as:

MR. FREEZE
Watch the numbers, Batman. For they
are the harbingers of your doom.

Now break out your cheesy Arnold impression and roll that one around on your tongue a few times. Might be worth the price of admission all by itself.

MY PROGNOSIS? It'll be a huge friggin' hit. What, are you kidding? Arnold as Mr. Freeze? A new Batman? Alicia and Uma may be wearing something as skintight as Michelle Pfeiffer's catsuit? Why's this guy whining about the script?

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