Howard Stern's hair
in PRIVATE PARTS had a bettercharacter arc than most actors can pull off. BEST PERFORMANCE BY A SERIES OF WIGS: Howard Stern's many hairpieces in PRIVATE PARTS. Taking the award away from perennial winner Joe Pesci, Stern's hair went through more changes than the liquid metal guy in TERMINATOR 2. And God did they look terrible! Which is the great thing about Howard Stern, the thing that sets him apart from other radio 'personalities' like Don Imus and Rush Limbaugh: Stern doesn't care how bad he looks. He jokes about himself as ruthlessly as he does anyone else. This is what has gained him such a loyal following, the illusion that he's just a regular guy with the same problems as all the other schleps listening in on the way to their crummy jobs. Of course he isn't just a regular guy, he's a talented, intelligent man who really knows how to market himself. And he's turned out to be a pretty good actor, too. When PRIVATE PARTS was released he was tarred by critics with the old 'he's just playing himself' criticism, like that's an easy thing to do. Well yeah, he was playing himself - with honesty, humor and emotion. You try it sometime.
BEST "AAAAAAAH!" CLANG! FWIP FWIP FWIP SPLASH!: The guy in TITANIC who jumps off the stern only to doink into the ships propeller and cartwheel into the freezing ocean below. Even Greg Louganis would have to admit that was an awesome dive. And finally film history has someone to replace the guy hanging onto the the table in THE POSIEDON ADVENTURE who falls into the lighting fixture in a hail of sparks as the ship capsizes. What can we learn from this? Being on a sinking ship = bad. Watching people take headers off a sinking ship = fun!
Vincent
D'Onofrio really gets under the skinof the characters he plays.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY A GUY PLAYING A GIANT BUG INHABITING THE SKIN OF A LOUDMOUTHED REDNECK: Vincent D'Onofrio in MEN IN BLACK. Picture this: you're a method actor and you're hired to play an angry alien stranded on a strange planet inhabited by inferior beings, whose skin doesn't quite fit him. What exactly do you draw upon from your past in order to get a handle on the role? Okay, okay - besides adolescence. D'Onofrio's performance as the bug trapped in the skin of a redneck was a comic tour de force. The eccentric physicality of his performance is a marvel. He actually makes you believe he's a giant insect wedged uncomfortably inside his 'Edgar suit'. D'Onofrio is so fun to watch that I was actually disappointed when the bug shed his skin to become a big, computer-generated cockroach. D'Onofrio is one of those actors who has quietly put together a terrific body of work - from the simple-minded recruit driven to madness in FULL METAL JACKET, through his frustrated screenwriter in THE PLAYER, and now as a big pissed-off insect in MEN IN BLACK. Is there anything he can't do? I'm beginning to doubt it.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR WHICH MAKES YOU THINK, "OH YEAH - THAT'S WHY I LIKED HIM": Dan Aykroyd in GROSSE POINTE BLANK. I'm sorry to say this, but I was beginning to think Dan Aykroyd had been abducted by aliens and replaced with a bloated, unfunny version of himself. For a man who was considered 'the Orson Welles of comedy' when he was on Saturday Night Live, he seemed bound and determined to live down to the realities of Welles' life rather than up to the promise. And I'm not kidding, it really does pain me to say that. When I was growing up, the original cast of Saturday Night Live were my comedic heroes. And while John Belushi was the wild man, and Chevy Chase the smarmy cynic, and Gilda Radner the adorable bundle of energy, Aykroyd was the smart one. He was also the best actor in the group, his characters possessing more range than any of the other Not Ready For Prime Time Players. But then came the movies, and the gradual decline. Sure, Aykroyd's made some good films. THE BLUES BROTHERS is fun, and GHOSTBUSTERS is to my mind a classic comedy - but whereas he co-wrote the scripts to those films he was reduced to playing second banana roles to Belushi and Bill Murray. More to the point, he was playing second banana roles where the joke consisted of the fact that his characters didn't have much personality. As for his other films... you wanna know how memorable they were? The only one I can instantly recall is CONEHEADS. And while I don't think that's a terrible movie, it's still a rehash of a 20-year old premise. So when he showed up in GROSSE POINTE BLANK I wasn't expecting much. After all, it was just another second banana role. But wait! It was a character with personality! With attitude! Who was funny! His take on the hired killer who wants to start an assassins union reminded me of one of his old Saturday Night Live characters. The energy was back, and the wit, and even the gleam in his eye. It was great to watch, and was one of the reasons I enjoyed the film so much. Glad you escaped from the clutches of those nasty aliens, Dan. Nice to see you again.
Woody Allen finally
wrote a script in which hischaracter's hurtful, selfish idiosyncrasies didn't make him
an object of universal affection and admiration. MOST BRUTALLY HONEST SCRIPT BY A GREAT ARTIST WITH A SERIOUSLY SCREWED UP PRIVATE LIFE: Woody Allen for DECONSTRUCTING HARRY. Now, I think Woody Allen is a great, great writer. His track record is, to my mind, one of the most impressive in film history. But I've gotta tell you, even I was beginning to get a little uneasy with the constant adoration his neurotic characters were receiving, especially from young women. Not that I thought it was unrealistic, just that there was very little downside. Oh sure, we'd get the inevitable domestic spats caused by his characters' behavior, but they were never really called on the carpet for the things they were doing. Until DECONSTRUCTING HARRY, that is. This is the film where Allen really lets loose, giving full, angry voice to all the peripheral characters who feel hurt, betrayed and destroyed by the main character's narcissistic behavior. And it's the first film where the main character's narcissistic behavior is shown to have some very dark corners that aren't always so cute and lovable. It's jarring for someone who grew up watching Allen's films (all the way back to TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN... yup, I'm gettin' old) to see him hiring prostitutes and admitting his love of blowjobs. Jarring - but cathartic. I feel like a schmuck saying this about a writer whose body of work I could never begin to aspire to, but... it felt like this is a script in which Woody Allen finally grew up a little. He stopped throwing himself softballs and really took a hard look at the dark side of a life lived by the rules his characters have traditionally followed. It felt more honest, more cleansing than anything he'd done in years. It was also a hell of a lot funnier. If this approach was in any way caused by his very public break-up with Mia Farrow, then as moviegoers I guess we can finally say something good came out his relationship with her.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE COMPLETELY TERRIBLE ACTION FILM: Harrison Ford in AIR FORCE ONE. I'm beginning to think Harrison Ford could bring dignity and class to a Pauley Shore movie. AIR FORCE ONE is yet another friggin' DIE-HARD-on-a-whatever film, with the hook being that this time the confined space taken over by terrorists is the president's jet. When are filmmakers gonna realize that there's only so much you can do on a damned plane? PASSENGER 57, EXECUTIVE DECISION, TURBULENCE and now AIR FORCE ONE are pretty conclusive proof that a more confined space doesn't necessarily translate to more tension and suspense. Especially when the screenwriting is so by the numbers! As I was watching this film one thought kept running through my head: "Couldn't they at least try to surprise me? At least once?" The writing is so inept that they can't even wring a little mystery from obvious sources. For instance, the Russian terrorists are helped by an insider within the president's staff. Now, wouldn't it be kind of, oh I dunno, suspenseful to not know who the traitor is? Wouldn't it be a good thing to, gosh, keep us guessing as to his or her identity? But no, we know from the get-go who the traitor is. A traitor who, for the rest of the movie, only exists to cast ominous glances toward the camera. Ridiculous.
Anyway, back to Harrison Ford.
In the midst of all this uninspired nonsense is Ford, who gives a great action movie performance. Why is it great? Because Ford is not afraid to show weakness in his characters. In the scene where the terrorists threaten to shoot his wife and/or daughter if he doesn't arrange for the release of a rogue general (wow, never seen that plot in one of these films before), Ford actually breaks down and looks like he's about to start crying. And, unlike other action stars, he's not doing it as a clever trick to fool the terrorists. He's actually, genuinely torn apart by this decision. And it takes an actor like Ford to put all ego aside and portray that depth of emotion, especially in a bang-bang movie. The other moment I liked was when, after dangling from a low-flying plane at the end of a cable, Ford is finally pulled on board. The soldiers on the plane welcome him aboard with a respectful salute. Now, most other action stars would have put a determined, macho, 'I-kicked-their-asses-good' expression on their faces and snapped off a smart salute in return. But not Ford - he actually looks like a guy who's been whipping around behind a low-flying plane at the end of a cable. In other words, he looks like he may just have a really big dump in his pants. And any actor willing to play 'dump-in-my-pants' in an action movie is okay by me.
Ah! This must
be the hellish 'Wet T-shirt' trainingthat all Navy SEALS are forced to endure.
SNEAKIEST USE OF NIPPLAGE IN A PRINT AD: Why, G.I. JANE, of course! She's bald, she's dirty, she's tough... but she sure knows how to stand at attention! You know the people putting together this ad campaign must've been frustrated. They had Demi Moore, but she had no hair, was covered in grime, and wasn't exactly oozing sex appeal here. Then someone had a bright idea - you know, it probably gets pretty danged cold during that Navy SEALS training. And a campaign was born. Now far be it for me to complain about erect nipples. I mean, at least the people behind this ad campaign knew their job was to try and pull in an audience, unlike the winner of our next category...
MOST IRRITATING AD CAMPAIGN DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU THINK A FILM DESERVES AN OSCAR WHEN IT WON'T EVEN GET NOMINATED FOR ONE
: From the very first pre-release ads, AMISTAD was pushed on the public as an important film with weighty themes from an honored filmmaker. It was marketed like it was destined to win a bushel of Oscars, an instant classic simply because of its subject matter and creative bloodline. And maybe it worked, because when the Oscar nominations were announced I heard people who hadn't even seen the film complain that it hadn't received a Best Picture nod. And then again maybe it didn't work... because like I said, those people hadn't even seen the film. I know that the ad campaign was the thing (well okay, one of the things - but a big one) that kept me from rushing out and seeing it. Here's a clue for the studios: You wanna make people not go see your movie? Market it as an 'important' film. A 'must see event'. You know why this is a bad idea? For the same reason no one lists asparagus as their favorite food - people don't like things that are supposed to be good for them! Play up the slave revolt! Show more action from the mutiny on board the ship! Slam 'em with Spielberg's name. Then once they're in the theatre you can shove the 'important must-see' asparagus stuff down their throats. But whatever you do, don't make the ads look like the audience is gonna have homework after seeing the movie.And there you have it, my Schmoscars for 1997. No embarrassing production numbers, no political messages from actors who co-starred in their last film with a monkey, and no boring guys from Price-Waterhouse lurking in the wings. Now if I could just reach the zipper on my Bob Mackie gown...
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