Hey, it's not supposed to smell like roses! It's a collection of all my past rantings and ravings from the SPEW page.
APRIL 1997: WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE INDEPENDENT FILMS NOWADAYS?
In which I bitch about the
quality - or lack thereof - coming out of the studios lately.
MAY 1997: IT'S SUMMER! HOW BAD WILL IT SUCK?
A preview of some of 1997's
big Summer blockbusters - sure, it's out of date now...
JUNE 1997: WHY ARE STUDIOS
SO ASCAIRED OF COMEDY?
Or why they spend millions to make LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and
McHALE'S NAVY. My theory? Head injuries.
JULY 1997: THESE ARE A FEW
OF MY FAV-O-RITE THINGS.
A listing of a bunch of movies I actually like.
Believe it or not.
AUGUST 1997: THOSE DARN
STUDIO EXECS
Why we all start off wanting to make the next CITIZEN
KANE, and end up hoping we can snag a rewrite on a THREE NINJAS movie.
OCTOBER 1997: THINGS THAT
GO BUMP IN YOUR VCR
A listing of scary movies to watch around Halloween. Other
than SHOWGIRLS, that is.
JANUARY 1998: MY '97 MOVIE
DIET
What I liked and disliked about the films of 1997. Hey, if
frickin' Michael Medved can mouth off about movies, I sure as hell can, too!
FEBRUARY 1998: JIMMY CAN
WRITE
In which I discuss the writing skills of James Cameron,
and why Kenneth Turan is a dipshit.
MARCH 1998: OSCAR SCHMOSCAR
I award my alternative Oscars, which have more to do with
what the movies are really about than the Academy wants to admit. Namely hair and
nipples.
APRIL 1998: R-E-S-P-E-C-T
My tirade about how if you're gonna rag on those with more
success, talent, money, fame, and luxury automobiles than you, you'd better at least
realize why they're where they are, and you're where you are. It ain't all luck,
kiddies.
JUNE 1998: ANOTHER SUMMER,
ANOTHER GABILLION DOLLARS
Some snotty, disrespectful opinions about what a cruddy
summer it's gonna be... again.
AUGUST 1998: OWIE OWIE OW
OW OW!!!
Here's something they don't tell you about knee injuries:
When you rehab your legs, and your thighs get more muscular? Doesn't exactly make your
dick look bigger, y'know what I'm saying?
OCTOBER 1998: PSYCHO-TIC
Why is remaking PSYCHO more annoying than remaking DEATH
TAKES A HOLIDAY or SHOP AROUND THE CORNER? Two reasons: Recreating it shot-for-shot is
pathetic... and unlike Martin Brest or Nora Ephron, we actually expect something
from a Gus Van Sant film.
JANUARY 1999:
TEN MOVIES THAT SHOOK MY WORLD
Well, they're ten movies I
remembered seeing. Ten movies I had an opinion on other than a shrug and a "It was
okay," or "That sucked." By the way, did I mention I finally got around to
seeing JACKIE BROWN? *Shrug* It was okay.
APRIL 1999:
SHIVERING WITH ANTICI......PATION
My annual roundup of the Summer
movies. Let's see, we have Kubrick... Star Wars... a low-budget witch... a horny secret
agent... a big-budget effects movie... and a remake of a 60's TV show. What's that? No
giant lizard or hurtling asteroids? Hey, it might be a good Summer after all!
AUGUST 1999:
NOT-SO-GREAT EXPECTATIONS
My reactions to three of the most
highly anticipated films of Summer '99... and why, more and more, I find myself stepping
into a movie theatre with all the enthusiasm of a dental appointment. I'm happy if I can
walk out claiming, "It wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be!"
SEPTEMBER
1999:
WHY HOLLYWOOD BLOWS
Yeah, yeah - yet another
in my series of whiny rants about why Hollywood rarely makes good movies
anymore. The real reason movies suck? I'm not writing them all.
And it's a problem that is SO easily solved...
NOVEMBER
1999: 'NET? GROSS!
Will the Internet provide more
opportunities for screenwriters? Heck, I don't know. But that doesn't stop me
from pontificating on the subject!
MARCH 2000:
OSCAR SCHMOSCAR II
Year-end movie awards where the only
one giving rambling, incoherent speeches is me! As it should be.
MAY 2000: IN
THE BAD OL' SUMMERTIME
Way, way, way out-of-date ramblings about
movies released a long, long, long time ago.
MARCH 2002:
SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION
Hey, wanna read all about my new film, "BachelorMan"?
Oh. Well, click here anyway. Humor me.
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