A Love Beyond Compare by Sandra Bondelier

Chapter 10
True Feelings Revealed

Roman sat back in the arm chair watching Marlena and the twins beginning to bond. It was a wonderful sight for sore eyes. There had been so many times over the years when he wished he could hear the golden sound of her laughter, or see her dazzling smile just one more time. To be honest, he would have traded his soul for either one on any number of the long lonely nights without her during those first two years. Now, here she was alive and well, playing with their children again. It was a glorious feeling that he couldn't really describe and yet.... there was Isabella. He loved her deeply, completely and he had been so happy the past few months in anticipation of marrying her. It was truly an impossible situation, loving two women.

'Love... I do love Marlena,' he admitted to himself, not just because she's the mother to my children. My love for her was the most important thing in my life, she was my whole world when we were together.' Roman could feel something changing in that special part of his heart he had closed off, it was a place where he preserved his deep and abiding love for her and it was beginning to open up already and that scared him. After all, it had been five years since he thought she died and he had grieved for her and let her go, he thought. However, the feelings of love and desire he had kept hidden inside for as long as he held out some dim hope of finding Marlena alive somewhere, were there in his heart and they wanted to be acknowledged again. Gazing over at her, the sun shining through the window casting soft highlights in her silky tresses, he spoke to her inside his mind, 'Oh... Doc... what am I gonna do? I don't know how to handle this one, I wish I could ask you for advice..but I don't think that's such a good idea..it's just that you always did know what to do in these kinds of situations. Oh God... I still love her... but... I love Isabella too. Tell me, God.. how can I ever choose between them?'

Lost in his contemplation, Roman did not hear the plans being made nearby and they were on top of him before he had a chance to defend himself. Within a few seconds, he was on the living room floor of the Brady household being tickled unmercifully by three Tickle Monsters. The four of them were giggling so hard by the time the playful period was over, they all had tears in their eyes and their stomach muscles ached. It was great fun and much needed by all.

As the kids were scrambling toward the kitchen, afraid their daddy was going to get up and run after them, there was one of those defining moments. Marlena was lying next to Roman still chuckling, their bodies were only inches apart. It was like so many other simple moments from the past and yet it was brand new. Their eyes met, no words were exchanged, but the message was clear all the same, 'I want you,' they said. Roman leaned ever so slightly closer, his lips hovering less than an inch from Marlena's. She closed her eyes and there was no turning back. Their lips met, the taste was sweet and a flood of memories poured over their hearts in that moment of contact. She tilted her head back slightly and he reached for her face to position his mouth over hers, his tongue slipped effortlessly through her lips and lingered there, gently caressing her tongue. She responded with a soft moan of desire, a flame was ignited inside her and threatened to become a roaring fire. "Oh, Roman.. you taste so good to me," she whispered passionately.

The kissing continued as hands began to rove all over arms, shoulders and backs and desire was rising rapidly, beginning to conquer rational thought. Then they heard through the kitchen door, "Daddy... I think we're late for practice!" and the moment was over. Roman sighed heavily as he disengaged, but didn't put words to his thoughts which were muddled anyway.

He helped her stand up, staring into her smoldering eyes, it was clear she wanted him very much and it suddenly made him nervous and he backpeddled. "I'm sorry about that, I guess I was just... caught up in the moment. I...uh.."

Marlena cut him off, "Don't do that, Roman. Please don't apologize, we both wanted that kiss, don't lie to yourself about it."

He was instantly somewhat defensive as his gaze fell upon a picture of Isabella, "I'm not saying that I didn't...Oh, I don't know what I'm saying, Marlena." Changing the subject quickly, he avoided making eye contact and said, "Look, we'll have to talk later, I gotta get the kids to ball practice."

She thought to disagree, but realized it was fruitless for the moment. Their little intimate exchange had obviously threatened him somehow. Marlena reasoned that it scared him to feel something for her so quickly and then act on it as well. "Allright, Roman, but I want you to know that it was..wonderful to kiss you that way. It brought back some special memories for me," she said, smiling warmly at the man she loved in the same way she did when those memories were being made.

Roman was touched by her comments; he reached up to brush her left cheek with the bent fingers of his right hand and admitted the truth to her, "It felt...good for me too, Doc. I missed your kisses and I almost forgot what it was like." Without another word, he turned toward the kitchen where two sets of eyes stared questioningly at them. Then Eric said, "Isabella promised us she would be at practice, can we go pick her up and ride to the ballpark together? I miss her already."

"Yea, can we Dad, please?" agreed Sami with enthusiasm.

Roman immediately looked to Marlena to gauge her reaction. She smiled sweetly at the children and though it was bound to be awkward, she said, "That's a great idea, let's do that." Her eyes gave her away, Roman saw the slightly hidden jealousy, but the kids were blessedly oblivious to it and to their father's discomfort about the situation as well.

Roman smiled weakly and said hesitantly, "Okay, I'll give her a call and make the arrangements, that is... if you're sure, Doc..." he said, waiting for her to tell him what she really wanted.

She returned his weak smile, saying, "I'm sure, Roman." Then the smile widened, for the kids benefit and she added more positively, as she took a step toward the twins, "Now, let's get a move on, the kids said they were running late."

Taking her hand in his, he guided her through the kitchen and toward the back door, saying, "Allright then, you go on out to the car with the kids and I'll call Izzy..." He winced slightly and stopped, feeling strange about using his endearing nickname for another woman in front of Marlena. He corrected himself and finished the thought, " I...mean Isabella, and then we'll be on our way."

She recognized that awkward change for what it was, they were still feeling each other out and Roman was trying so hard not to do or say anything that he thought might upset her. Squeezing his hand briefly, she reassured him, "Roman.. really it's okay. You can say Izzy B.. if that's what you call her," she said, hoping to set him at ease a little bit.

An embarassed smile crossed his face as he replied, "Oh.. okay, Marlena. I just...I want to make this as easy as possible for you, you know. I don't want to..hurt you, but..she's been.. a big part of our lives for awhile now and.." He stopped again, wishing he hadn't started the sentence.

Marlena filled the gap, "I understand that, really I do, I don't expect you to just...drop all contact with her, Roman. I just... want you to.. find some room for me."

He sighed and spoke to her with passion, "Oh, Doc... there will always be room for you. You're so important to me, you know that and I am so glad you've come back home. The kids need you, I need you. It's just gonna take some time to adjust to all the changes, that's all."

"Yes it is and until then, there are going to be some awkward moments. You don't have to apologize for caring about her or thinking about her, Roman. I expected that you might have moved on, it was five years honey. I really don't resent that at all."

He didn't know why it happened, he couldn't seem to control his frustration about the situation and he blurted out his conclusions. He voiced her unspoken thoughts, "But... say it, Marlena. You wish I would have waited, you wish I could..just let her go and stay with you because you're still my wife, don't you, Doc?"

His tone was laced with slightly hidden anger and it hurt her feelings, exactly what he had been trying so hard to avoid. She turned away from him without saying anything, hiding the tears that were forming swifly behind her uncertain eyes.

Roman regretted saying it as soon as the words left his mouth, recognizing that he had hurt her. "Oh, Marlena... I'm sorry, that was. out of line, it wasn't fair to put you in that position. I'm really sorry I said that. Can you please forgive me?" he asked taking her tenderly in his strong arms.

She sighed, feeling pleased by how considerate he was trying to be, "Roman... you know I will. I know that this is very rough on you, that you feel torn between us and you're trying so hard not to hurt me. I told you before that I don't want you to feel guilty for having fallen in love again and I meant it."

The frustration seemed to come out of nowhere, flaring swiftly and he confronted her with the reality of their situation. Shaking his head, he said exasperatedly, "Come on, Doc! How can I not feel that way.. when I know that every time I say her name it reminds you that I was with her while you were gone, that I'm.. in love with her, that we were becoming a family, that I was about to marry her when you came back! How can you honestly stand there and tell me that it doesn't bother you, that it doesn't hurt you, that you don't.. resent it!"

She didn't want to have this conversation yet, if ever, but he had initiated it and she couldn't help but respond truthfully, "Allright.. allright, if you must know! Yes, Roman.. I wish you'd waited, yes it hurts me, yes I feel jealous of her, yes I resent it!" She had raised her voice too, her growing sense of frustration matching his. Their wounded eyes met briefly and then she finished with an angry query, "There, does that answer your questions, Roman? Does that make you feel better, well...does it?" She couldn't look at him any longer and turned herself away from him as the tears that beckoned started to slip silently out of the corners of her eyes.

Roman was hurting as much as she was and he didn't know what to do or say next, so he followed his instincts and held her in silence for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was shaky, filled with emotion as he apologized, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Doc! I didn't mean to make you cry, it's just that you keep saying you understand and I know you don't, how could you? Oh.... I'm just so..damn confused and I don't know what to do about it, Doc!" Tears filled his eyes and he fought to keep them from falling, but was only partially successful.

Seeing the anguish in his eyes and hearing his pain expressed so plainly made her empathize with his dilemna and she pulled him back into her arms and held him. Hoping to provide support, she said, "I'm sorry too, Roman. I'm sorry for how hard this is on you, I love you so much!"

"I... I..love you too, Doc!" he cried anxiously, taking comfort in her warm embrace and soft soothing tone of voice. No matter what the future held, he was overjoyed to have her back, to bask in her loving presence again.