A Love Beyond Compare by Sandra Bondelier

A Love Beyond Compare ch 15
Written by Sandra H. Bondelier
Dumb Little Brothers Get Smarter

Roman and Bo headed back to Roman's office where the men were just finishing up with the last of the banners and balloons and Bo surmised why he had found his brother staring blankly into the gym. The guys had surprised him by decorating his office. Putting an hand on Roman's back from behind, he asked softly, "It hurts doesn't it?"

He wanted to deny it, but he couldn't. Reflecting on how happy he and Isabella were in recent weeks, he admitted to the pain he was feeling, "Yea.. it does. Don't get me wrong Bo.. I'm... thrilled that Marlena is alive, that she came back to all of us, but..." Roman paused, trying to decide how to express what was running through his mind.

"But, you love Isabella too and you wish you could just go ahead and marry her like you planned. You were so happy, Roman.. when you told me about proposing to her, almost like a teenager."

Remembering that day fondly, he smiled wistfully and said, "Yea... I guess I was. She makes me... happy, Bo. She makes me believe I can do anything. Izzy B is so wonderful Bo.. and she doesn't deserve this.. waiting and wondering."

Bo felt the need to balance out the picture for Roman, "No, she doesn't, but.. then again, Marlena didn't die and she didn't leave you, she was held against her will. She didn't deserve that and you didn't deserve to grieve her loss. I remember how much you loved her then, how.. destroyed you were... for a long time."

Roman switched directions as Bo talked and he found that there were a few tears forming as he too remembered that agonizing pain. Nodding sadly, he said, "Yes.. I was a total wreck, Bo.. I thought I was gonna die, it hurt so bad. Hell, a few times I wanted to die, so I could be with her. I loved her so much..." As the image that had haunted his dreams for years came to his mind's eye once again, he said quietly, "I felt like half of myself died right along with her in that plane."

Bo's next comment brought him to the present, "And now... she's back..."

Roman nodded, sighed with weariness and repeated the phrase, "And now she's back." He sat down tiredly on the edge of the desk and then said quietly, "Bo.. I locked those emotions up tight, I had to so I could survive it. I... care for her, but I... don't.. know what to do. I don't know how to.. open that place up and let those feelings out again. I'm not sure I... can."

Innocently, Bo asked a question meant to clarify, "Not sure you can or not sure you want to?"

Roman, who had glanced down at the floor, whipped his head around to stare incredulously at his brother. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, feeling as if he were being accused of something.

Putting his hands up in a slightly defensive gesture Bo said, "Woah... calm down Bro... I only meant that.. I was wondering if.. you might not want to open your heart to Marlena again because.. " Bo knew he was entering touchy territory and paused to think about how to say it so as not to offend or upset his brother any more than he already was.

Roman guessed where he was leading, but didn't want to go there. Rising from the edge of the desk and walking around it to retrieve the maps he had been reviewing periodically, he said, "Hey you know what I think.. I think we need to get down to business here." Putting the maps on the surface of the desk, he tried to end the conversation about the women in his life, "We've talked about this enough for now."

That was all it took to convince Bo he was on the right track and he decided to gently confront the issue, believing it was what his brother needed. "What I was going to say was that, I wonder if you might be... a little.. scared to let yourself.. love her again because... she's been taken from you before and it could happen again. If you have a little distance on your feelings, then you think maybe it won't hurt so much."

Roman felt that truth in his soul, Bo was right, but he couldn't find it within himself to admit it. More irritatedly than he meant to, he said, "No.. that's not it at all, Bo! Now come on let's get down to it. I said I don't want to talk about that anymore!"

Bo sighed tiredly and gave it up. Roman just wasn't ready to face everything yet, which was to be expected. Marlena had only returned a short time ago; it was probably going to take months to sort it all out, and then some. "Okay.. let's take a look at those maps then. Show me what you've figured out so far."

Roman and Bo leaned over the desk pouring over the maps and were able to get some vague idea of the possible points of origination for the plane on which Marlena had stowed away for the trip to Miami. It seemed that there were so many places to check out that it was a little overwhelming. Bo was observing Roman and he appeared to be growing increasingly frustrated. "Hey, Bro.. what do you say we go slug down a couple of beers at the Cheatin Heart, you know.... to take a break and loosen up a little."

Still staring down at the maps, Roman said with great intensity, "No.. I gotta figure this out, Bo! I have to... understand, I have to know what happened to her, who.. held her..where she was.. "

"Why.... why is it all that so important?" Bo interrupted.

Shocked to hear Bo even ask the question, he replied with some irritation in his tone, "Because.. she lost five years of her life, Bo isn't that enough?"

His brother shrugged and said purposefully, "I guess, maybe... if that were the real reason for it."

"What are you talking about little brother?" Roman asked, finally looking up from the maps, feeling confused.

Bo was hesitant, but shared his thoughts anyway, "I think there's more to it for you and you haven't admitted it yet. I think you have to know for you.. not for her. You have to know so you can feel..." Bo stopped when he saw his brother was becoming agitated. He was on edge much of the time since Marlena returned.

Staring at his younger brother, Roman interrupted, feeling accused again, "So I can feel what? Tell me why you think I'm so.. focused on this, Bo. Go ahead..say what's on your mind," he urged irritatedly.

Realizing there was no avoiding it now, Bo replied honestly, "Okay.. I think the main reason you are so.. fixated on figuring all of this out is so that you can stop feeling guilty about not knowing she was alive and letting go of her memory, so you can stop feeling bad about moving on with your life and falling in love with Isabella."

Roman stared for one second longer and then plopped himself down hard on the wooden chair behind his desk, sighing heavily. His brother was exactly right, that was the reason he had been denying to himself, preferring instead to pretend it was all about what happened to Marlena and what she was robbed of. It was so difficult for Roman to admit that it was more about his own response to her return and the meaning of it in his mind, and in his life.

Bo sat down on the edge of the desk to wait. Roman was quiet for several moments as he struggled to face the truth, then finally he looked up woefully into his brother's eyes and said, "You're right, Bo.. that is the reason. I just.. can't stop thinking about her being gone for so long.. alive all that time.. I should have known. Dammit, Bo, I should have known!"

Roman was always expecting too much of himself and Bo called him on it, "Why, Roman.. because you have some kind of secret powers and you should be able to see through walls, and read minds, because you can leap over tall buildings... Roman.. you are just a man, that's all. You believed she died, you did everything you could to learn the truth when you were led to believe that she was alive. There is no way you could have known! Nobody thinks badly of you because you let her go and moved on with your life, and then it turned out five years later that she was alive. Nobody but you, Roman."

Slamming his hand on the desk as he stood up, Roman yelled at his brother, feeling the old pain as if it were brand new, "Don't you understand, Bo? I promised her I would protect her, that nobody would ever take her away from me and the children again, but I was wrong! I didn't keep her safe and then I watched that plane go down.. and there wasn't a damn thing I could do! I should have been able to save her, but I couldn't!"

Wiping away a few tears that had formed and slipped determinedly out the corners of his eyes, he said only somewhat more calmly, "And then.. I had some leads about her being alive and they didn't pan out. I gave up after that. I quit searching and moved on while she was being held against her will." The guilty sadness increased the more he thought about what Marlena lost because he didn't keep searching for her. "It was five years Bo! I let her be kept away from her family, from her babies..for five years! It's my fault, Bo.. I shouldn't have given up, I should have.. sensed her presence, I should have.. kept looking until I found her!"

Reaching across the desk to grasp his brother's shoulders firmly, Bo spoke forcefully, hoping to make the man realize how irrational his thinking was, "No.. Roman.. you couldn't have known.. .there is no way you could have known and you have to stop this..blaming yourself for what happened to Marlena. It's tearing you apart!" As he pulled back, and pointed down to the desk, Bo said, "It happened and it was out of your control and staying here...focusing all your energy on studying these maps, making phone calls, figuring out exactly where she was held, who did it... all of that... won't bring back those five years, Roman! And, most important of all....it won't save you from the pain of having to make a choice between Marlena and Isabella. Sooner or later, you have to decide whom you're going to spend your life with and whom you're going to say goodbye to."

When he finished, Bo looked into his brother's troubled eyes and he knew he had hit on the truth. That was exactly the issue Roman was trying to avoid. By channeling most of his energy into finding all the answers, he could put off the most painful decision of his life for a little while longer. Sitting back down, Roman sighed with emotional exhaustion and then relented, "Oh... Bo.. you're right, I know you're right.." he said tearfully, hating to admit the truth. In anguish, he said, "I just don't know what to do.. I love em both, Bo! I didn't think that was even possible, but it is and I don't.. want to hurt anyone. If I choose one, I hurt the other...and I don't want to do that!" he said anxiously, wishing his dilemna away again.

Bo put a hand on Roman's shoulder, sighed in sympathy and then said, "I know... it's so hard, but I think there's something you're missing here, big brother."

Quickly wiping a few tears away and sniffling a couple of times, Roman asked, What... what am I missing, Bo?"

"Well... by not choosing, by trying to avoid making a decision, you're hurting both of them."

Roman sat quietly for a minute or so and then it was like a light suddenly went on in his head."Oh, man... you're right about that too. I didn't even think of it like that. The longer I put off making a choice, the longer all three of us are going to be in pain about the situation." Roman practically leaped off the chair and started toward the door before he realized he hadn't shared his latest conclusion with his insightful little brother.

"Roman, where are you going?" asked Bo, taken by surprise by his brother's sudden move.

He turned back around to face Bo, chuckling at his own impulsiveness and said, "Oh.. yea.. I decided that you've gotten a lot smarter while I wasn't watching you little brother. I gotta go now."

That comment made Bo laugh too. "Ha ha.. now tell me the rest of it, big brother," he said, knowing that his questions were making Roman think and view his situation more clearly. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to talk to both of them and then I'm going to take some time away, maybe go someplace where I can.. think."

Bo was surprised by that, "Wait a minute, you mean to tell me you're really going to put all this stuff off for awhile?" he asked, gesturing to the maps that symbolized the search for answers.

Roman was shocked to admit the truth, even to himself. Nodding his head, he said in amazement, with a weak smile on his face, "Yea.. I am... because you were right, Bo. Pointing to the desk he said, "I was using all that as an excuse not to deal with my feelings for Marlena, and because of my guilt about not knowing she was alive and falling in love with Isabella while she was gone. I was using it to avoid making a choice like you said, so.. I'm going to put that aside for now and concentrate on deciding whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. It wouldn't be fair to them to make them wait indefinitely, it would only hurt them both and I don't want that to happen. They both deserve better treatment." With that being said, Roman walked back over to his desk, snagged his jacket from the back of his chair and scooted out the door, calling out behind him, "Thanks..for everything, Bo."

Bo only nodded and then stood there staring somewhat absently at the closed door, wondering how in the world it was that he had managed to get his sometimes stubborn know-it-all older brother to listen to a word he said. They used to fight all the time, never seeing eye to eye on anything. For as long as Bo could remember Roman was always trying to get him to see the error of his ways, getting on his case about every little mistake he made. And now.. it seemed they had real conversations about important issues and Roman could listen to him instead of being the one to always hand down advice from his lofty position as the wiser older brother. It was almost like he was a different person, but people did change over time and this quality of mutual respect in their relationship hadn't happened overnight; it developed over several years. "You're welcome Bro, good luck," Bo said to the spot where his brother had been sitting a few minutes earlier. Ready to call it a night himself, Bo turned off the light and locked up the office. Life as a Brady never ceased to amaze him; he sometimes still couldn't believe how much easier Roman was to deal with in the past few years. He was much more approachable and Bo actually liked being around him. They were more than brothers now, they had become close friends and it was one of the most important relationships in Bo's life. I guess even older brothers can get smarter,' he thought as he stepped out the front door of the Salem Police Department, planning to head for the boat. This was definitely a turn of events he had to tell Hope about, she would appreciate the irony of it too. Roman Brady following the advice of his irksome younger brother; that was one for the record books if there ever were one.