A Love Beyond Compare by Sandra Bondelier

A Love Beyond Compare ch 16
Written by Sandra H. Bondelier
Pleasure and Pain

As Roman approached the front door to the house, he paused to think about how many times he had come home late at night from the Cop Shop to find Marlena camped out on the couch with a box of kleenex, watching some old romantic movie and sobbing her eyes out, or fast asleep with a novel lying open on top of her, the book rising and falling with every breath she took. As he peered inside, she was there... just that way, sleeping peacefully; she had waited up for him and he was touched. Seeing her that way brought a warm smile to his face. That comforting image was one of so many memories he had locked away in his mind... simple moments... warm welcome home hugs and kisses, silly playful.. romantic times... teasing fights about the tube of toothpaste or who got the shower first, his jokes about her cooking... watching some new grand task the twinners had mastered, or watching a school play Carrie was in. These and other pictures of the life he shared with her were slowly beginning to slip through the gates to the fortress he had built around them to safeguard them forever.

As those images appeared in his mind's eye, he began to recall those times when he was still so new at being a husband and father.. and a son and older brother as well. He was so unsure of his role, uncertain of his place in the family and in the world at large. Marlena was the one who made him feel like he mattered, like he belonged somewhere when he had nobody in his life and no history to draw upon. When he was little more than a stranger, she invited him first into her life, into her world, and then eventually she welcomed him into a warm loving home, and reunited him with his parents and siblings as well as a circle of friends. Marlena Evans had reached out her hand to him at a time when he was alone and scared, with no name, no memories of the past, nothing at all to call his own. She was the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel, a ray of warm sunshine on a cold and imposing grey winter's day. Marlena essentially became the foundation for his whole life during the early days of his new existence as Roman Brady; he loved her immeasurably and depended on her more than he ever could have imagined.

When he thought she died, the light went out of his life; sometimes he thought it would be pitch dark like that forever. He survived the loss because of the children, knowing that he had to care for them, to raise them as best he could. Somehow he made it through the bleakest of times and eventually the excruciating aching sensation of grief began to fade from his heart and he was able to embrace life and find love again. And now.. five years later, a true miracle had happened and she was back. It was still so incredible to him.

While continuing to enjoy looking in on her, Roman remembered every minute detail of the night he found her on the pier.. the fog that settled in, the eerie sensation of being drawn to find her, his soul knowing that she was there because of the deep connection between them. And.. oh, the moment he knew she was real, the feeling of great joy in his heart, the sense of stunned disbelief that lingered even as they embraced so powerfully. In that space of time, all thoughts of anyone or anything else vanished as if never there at all. It was just Roman and Marlena Brady, together again at long last, together in love as they were destined to be. He immersed himself in that euphoric memory and remembered how he felt. He had never been more elated in the entire span of the life that he could actively recall to see her again, to touch her silky hair, to caress the tender skin of her flushed cheeks, to breathe in the heavenly aroma of her, and to feel her shapely body in his arms. It was as if his heart and soul were free from their imprisonment and he was totally at peace for the first time in five years. By the grace of God, his great love, his best friend and partner, his soulmate, was home where she belonged.

As he prepared to step inside his home, wondering if she were still awake this time, he spoke out loud to himself about her, "Oh, Doc.. I do love you... you were everything to me then.. you gave me faith and hope for the future, and you helped me make sense out of the chaos in my head." The rest of his thoughts about her were reviewed inside the privacy of his mind, 'Without you I wouldn't have a home, a job, children, parents, a brother and sisters... none of it, Doc. You gave me a place to belong, you brought me home. Your love and your faith in me saw me through the worst of times. A part of me will always love you, I won't ever deny that... but what about now? What should I feel for you now? What do I feel?' Before he could answer the questions for himself, the door opened to reveal a yawning Marlena, who asked, "I thought I heard some noise out here. What are doing standing outside, Roman? Why didn't you come in?"

"Oh... I was just... thinking," he said quietly as the memories played in his mind again, bringing a sweet smile to his handsome features.

"About what?" she asked, wondering if he were remembering their past as she had been doing all evening long while waiting for him to return.

Walking across the threshold, he said, "About us.. about the past, the way we were... We were great together, weren't we?" he asked, not needing her to answer, but wanting one anyway.

She nodded and smiled in fond remembrance, "Yes...we were, Roman. We were better than great, we were amazing. We loved each other so much we could hardly see anyone else sometimes, except of course for Sami, Eric and Carrie."

After shutting the door behind him, he reached out a hand to caress her cheek, and then his fingers gently stroked her golden hair. After a pause to admire her beauty, he agreed, "Yes... that's true, Doc. I haven't forgotten any of it, Marlena. I just buried some of those memories because it hurt for a long time to remember them. In fact, the memories are really starting to come to the surface, tonight in particular. I can't say why really... but they are and I'm so glad about that. They're wonderful memories..." he started, then noticed the photo albums on the coffee table. "Oh.. you got out the pictures.. that sounds like a good idea to me. I haven't looked at them in... in a long time and I'd like to.. if you're still interested that is," he said hopefully.

Her eyes sparkled like diamonds at his suggestion. "Of course I'm interested. Roman, I want to look at all of them and then I want you to tell me about the years I was gone."

The shine faded slightly from his eyes; that wasn't exactly what he had in mind, but he knew she needed to do it so she could fill in the missing pieces. "Well, okay.. but only if you look at the ones from when I first found out I was Roman. Those are the ones I've been remembering.. the times we were together and happy, Doc. We had some great times... and I want to share those with you first. Then, we'll deal with the others, allright?"

Marlena was pleased to hear him talk this way; he wasn't running from what he felt for her now and she felt much more hopeful about the future. "That sounds good to me, Roman. I've been remembering too and the pictures bring back so many more happy moments that I'd almost forgotten. It's been wonderful, honey."

Thinking about his talk with Bo at the station and his own internal dialogue, Roman made a decision and he had to share it immediately, so he wouldn't have a chance to change his mind. "Doc....I've been doing some serious thinking tonight and I... was.. wondering." Suddenly, he felt nervous.. unsure of himself and he stood up off the couch where they had just settled, walking over toward the window to look out at the night sky which was dotted with a million twinkling lights.

"What is it, Roman?" she asked, feeling panic rising inside. She wanted to press him for a quick answer, but decided against it. Instead, she waited patiently for him to finish his sentence.

Roman was tentative which wasn't like him, but this was not a normal situation, "I.. uh... don't know why, but I'm.. nervous." Shaking it off, he continued, "Anyway, what I was going to say is.. I was thinking that it might be a good idea for you and me and the kids to... spend some time together, you know... to get to know each other again. What do you say, Doc?" he asked hesitantly. "Do you want to take a little trip with me and the twinners, maybe spend the weekend in the mountains?"

Her face was filled with delight to hear those words, since she thought maybe he was about to tell her something along the lines of having chosen Isabella. She was completely thrilled that it was the opposite; he seemed to be warming up to her substantially and her heart leaped at the thought of time away from Salem with him and their children, no interruptions. "Oh, Roman... I think it's a wonderful idea!" she cried out gleefully just before she engaged him in a startling kiss, her tongue weaving its way around his in a way that left him breathless.

"Woah.. I guess that's a definite yes then," he finally managed to say, a wide grin spreading rapidly across his face.

"Yes..I'd say you're right.. it's a plan, Roman. Oh, I'm so happy!" she said as she hugged him tightly.

Roman was a little overwhelmed by her enthusiasm, but didn't pull away. Instead, he allowed himself to enjoy the platonic contact and found himself remembering how comfortable it always felt to be in her arms; it was the safest warmest place he had ever known and it felt extremely good to be back there.

A day or so later, Roman paused as he approached the door to Jack and Jen's place, rehearsing for about the fiftieth time what he wanted to say to Isabella. "Oh.. Izzy B.. I hope you can understand this... I don't want to hurt you, but I have to do something to help me make some sense out of all this." His thoughts were interrrupted as someone answered the door; he was surprised to look into the eyes of his "fiance".. or could he still call her that? Did he want to? Stop it, Roman... you're making yourself crazy here... "Roman.. what are you doing here, I thought you were... home with... Marlena." The way she said it was pleasant, but there was a jealous undertone.. how could she help it?

"Uh... hi, Isabella. I uh.. didn't expect you to answer the door, I was.. surprised I guess, sorry about that. I've been... thinking about some things these past couple of days and I wanted to.. talk to you about.. them. May I come in?" he asked tentatively.. still uncertain what he would say.

The awkwardness was hard to take.. Just days ago they fell into each other's arms whenever they saw each other at the end of a day, and now their eyes barely met. "Sure, Roman.. come on in, " she replied, praying he wasn't going to tell her it was over... 'Oh.. please don't let it be that.. not...yet'

Glancing around the condo.. Roman noticed the inactivity. Whenever Jack Deveraux was around there was always a lot of comotion, but the place was very quiet and he commented about it, making small talk in an unconscious attempt to forestall the inevitable. "So... where are Jack and Jennifer tonight?"

"Oh, they went out to dinner... and I didn't feel... up to it. So.. I've got the place to myself, it's sort of nice actually," she said, lying through her teeth; she hated it. She wanted to be with him and the twins at his house...alone was the last thing she wanted to be. Not wanting to waste time or endure prolonged anxiety she asked as they sat down next to each other on the couch, "So.. anyway, Roman.. you said you were doing some thinking, did it have anything to do with us?" knowing it did by his hesitant demeanor and his slightly averted gaze.

Suddenly, he panicked, not wanting to say what he had come to say. Not quite looking at her he spoke nervously, "Uh...yea.. it does. I..uh, well, I decided that.. I need to... spend some time... away, so I can.. make some sense out of all this. I think I'm going to go away for the weekend or something and I wanted you to know, so you wouldn't wonder why I didn't call you for a few days." He couldn't bring himself to tell her about Marlena and the kids, and he regretted it when he realized that meant he was making her ask him.

Roman approached her, putting his hands gently upon her shoulders to turn her toward him, "Isabella.. I want to explain this to you. You know that I love you, that hasn't changed, but I've realized something. Izzy...my feelings for you are all in the present. But.. with Marlena.. they've been buried inside where I could keep the memories of our life safe. I... have to be fair to her Izzy... she's... my.." his voice trailed off and he glanced away before he finished the sentence.

Isabella jumped in to complete the thought."Wife.. you can say it Roman, it's not a dirty word. Your wife has returned and you want to spend some time away with her and your children. You don't need to explain it to me." Her words and even her tone was mostly pleasant, but there was a strong undercurrent of jealousy. Again, she started to walk away from him, hurt and a little angry, though she knew it wasn't anyone's fault. "You know.. I'm pretty tired, Roman, I think I'll go to bed now. Thank you for coming by. Have a...good trip." She didn't look at him as she said it while taking a few steps toward the guest bedroom.

She wasn't looking at him and he knew he was hurting her more with every word he uttere and he hated that, but it couldn't be avoided. Still, he went on, trying to clarify his thinking so she could understand, "Isabella, if I don't do this... and we just go on with our plans.. then I could end up hurting you even more than I am now, and God knows I don't want to do that. You said it yourself, we can't be engaged as long as I'm... married." It sounded so strange to say that in reference to himself; he was a young widower for five years, and now suddenly the term *married man* applied to him again.

She stopped and turned toward him, a look of intense anguish on her face. "Oh, Roman.. I'm scared.... I don't want to lose you and I can feel you slipping away from me already. If you go with her.. I'm so afraid of what will happen. I love you and I need you so much!"

His heart ached with sadness; to be so torn between two women like this was agonizing for him. "Oh Isabella, I'm so sorry! I wish I could.. just tell you that it's over with Marlena.. but I can't do that! You know how much I loved her... how devastated I was when she..d.." He stopped and corrected himself, thinking how odd it all was, then finishing with, "When I thought she died." Fighting back tears he completed his thoughts, feeling such distress about his dilemna and what it was doing to both of the women he loved, "I..can't just....turn my back on her, as if the marriage meant nothing to me. It wasn't her fault that she was gone all that time; someone took her away, and the least I can do is.. give her a chance Izzy... you know that's true." Roman's voice and eyes pleaded for understanding rather than condemnation.

Isabella nodded tearfully, saying, "Yes.. I know it's true.. but it doesn't stop the pain! It hurts, Roman.. it hurts so much!" Tears flowed heavily as she recounted what had changed so quickly, "A few days ago.. I was happier than I ever thought possible. I was engaged to marry the man of my dreams.. I was about to start a new life with him and his three beautiful children.. and become a sister and daughter-in-law to the most wonderful family I've ever known.. and now.. that dream is crumbling right before my eyes. I don't want to lose you, Roman!" she cried forlornly.

Roman pulled her into a warm embrace and stroked her hair. It was so soft and it smelled so wonderful. It felt good to hold her again and he instinctively made a move to kiss her, of which she took full advantage, kissing him very passionately. If she could only keep him with her now... maybe she had a chance. She began to touch him in ways that always aroused him swiftly and he moaned with desire for her.

As their foreplay swiftly became lovemaking, Roman suddenly became aware of what was happening and he broke contact, though it nearly killed him to stop. It felt so pleasurable and he loved Isabella very much... but they shouldn't be together this way, not until he had made his choice. It simply wasn't fair to either woman or himself to be intimate when his heart was divided. "I'm sorry, Isabella, but I can't do this... not like this.. It just isn't right..not for you or for me." She was shaking her head to deny his assertions and she impulsively blurted out bitterly, "You mean for your wife...it isn't right for your precious Doc!"

That hurt him, as intended. If she was alone and hurting, he should feel some of that pain.

After long moments of thick silence, Roman, knowing the encounter wasn't going to end pleasantly, said sadly, "Well, I guess I better go now. I'm sorry, Izzy.. I'll see you soon." He leaned in for a peck on the cheek and she rebuffed him, then said angrily, "Goodbye Roman.. Have a safe trip!" She stormed out of the room in tears and ran to the bedroom, locking the door behind her.

Roman called out to her retreating form, but she didn't respond. Sighing heavily, he turned and left the scene, knowing there was nothing more to be said. Quietly, he spoke of his sorrow about hurting her as he stepped out the front door of the Deveraux condominium, "I am sorry Isabella, but this is the way it has to be...for now. I can't be with either one of you that way until I've made a decision. Goodbye Izzy B, I do love you," he said tenderly before blowing a kiss in her direction.