Promises Made ch 4

Divided Loyalties

John stormed out of the Penthouse and practically barrelled into Eric Brady, who wanted to check on the status of the relationship between his parents. He was just about the last person John wanted to see at this very moment; if he learned what happened, the boy would just rub salt in the wound and John wasn't in the mood for more pain or to defend himself and justify his love for Marlena yet again. Frankly, it was none of the kid's business and John wished he would become occupied with his own life rather than meddle in his parent's relationships.

"Hi, John, you look a little upset, have a fight with my mom?" he asked sarcastically. Eric managed to resist the temptation to add out loud, 'I sure hope so,' but that sentiment was there in his eyes for John to read easily.

John was definitely irritated and said, "That is none of your business young man, why don't you stay out of all this and live your own life, Eric."

Eric countered, "Right now, my parents are my life, their happiness, my..father's happiness is the most important thing in the world to me."

"Right...at the expense of your mother's happiness, you mean. Eric, she loves me...can't you see that? We have loved each other for a very long time and we waited until we were free to love and now you want us to just walk away from that. Sooner or later you're going to have to accept that it isn't going to happen. Your mother and I deserve to have some happiness and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure we get it."

For some reason, he felt the need to champion his father's cause, feeling like it was his responsibility to make sure his dad didn't get hurt again, and he found it difficult to abandon the childhood dream of a happy family life. "And what about Dad, doesn't he deserve some happiness too?"

"Yes, he does, Eric. But, the fact is it isn't going to be with Marlena, she doesn't love him the way she used to and I'm sorry it's going to hurt him. I'm sorry we ever continued Kristen's lies in the first place, but we did what we thought was best for him at the time. Can you please try to understand that?"

Listening to the man talk about it made it too real and the young man popped off in frustration, "No, I can't, John. The fact of the matter is....I wish you would just...disappear!"

That hurt deeply. This was the boy John raised as his own son for several years of his life, the boy he taught to ride a bike, the boy whose ballgames he attended faithfully, the boy he loved with all his heart, the boy he nurtured and showered with affection, the boy who once said to him, "I'll love you forever, Daddy."

"Oh, Eric..." What could he say to that? John shook his head sadly, a few tears forming in his wounded eyes, and turned to walk away toward the elevator. Such open rejection was too much to take after the heated argument with Marlena.

In that second, seeing John's pained expression, Eric was suddenly transported back in time. He was about four years old and his *father* was crying and Eric saw himself as the little boy who asked him the reason. "Why are you crying Daddy?" he had said as he looked at the sad figure of a man, who was holding a piece of paper with writing on it and looking at a picture of a pretty blond haired lady. Then the boy remembered, it was a picture of the woman whom Daddy said was his Mommy. She had died when he was still a baby and he had no conscious memory of her, but his father did and he was very sad without her, Eric knew that much. He didn't know why this particular day was so upsetting for his Daddy though.

It took awhile for his father to answer the question, finally he said with tear-choked phrases, "Well, son....this is...a...tough day for me. It's the anniversary....of....the day...Mommy..died and I'm very sad, I miss her so much!"

The little boy threw his tiny arms around the sobbing man and said, "I'm here for you, Daddy. I'm sorry Mommy had to die, but my Sunday school teacher says she is safe and happy in heaven and we should thank God for that, even if we miss her."

Still crying, but touched by his son's efforts to make him feel better, he said, "Oh, Eric, you're right about that, but it's just so...hard without her sometimes. Today is...one of the hardest times because the memories are so strong. I loved your Mommy very much....and it's just... so lonely without her sometimes." John had cried hard and often that day despite his best efforts to contain his sadness for the children's benefit.

"Please don't cry, Daddy. Sami and I love you so much and we'll take care of you today. We can fix you some cereal for your breakfast and we'll get the paper and then maybe we can think of something fun to do...would that be a good idea Daddy?"

He was so touched by his son's love and understanding and the insight beyond his years, "Oh, Eric...that would be great, thank you so much!" They had embraced and John somehow managed to stem the flow of tears for a little while.

As he recalled the incident, he remembered how he felt, how much he loved John as his father and Eric felt some moisture in his own eyes and quickly grasped John's arm to stop him from leaving. "John...I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"Yes you did, Eric," John whispered sadly, as he stared down at the hand that had once clung fearfully to his, when the boy was afraid to go to school that first day. "Yes you did."

Shaking his head, the boy argued, "No, I'm sorry. John, I haven't been fair to you and I'm very sorry. I was just..remembering something that happened a long time ago and it reminded me of how much you really do love my mother and how much I love..d you. I was four or five, I think, and you were sitting on the couch holding Mom's picture and a letter she had written to you and you were crying. It was the second anniversary of the day you thought she died, do you remember that?"

He shut his eyes, remembering too, then nodded; it was painful to recall it, even now. "Like it was yesterday, Eric, why?" he asked wondering what had motivated the question.

"Well, it reminded me of how much you must love her. You were a wreck that day, John. You kept crying, but you were trying so hard to seem happy with what Sami and I tried to do to cheer you up, do you remember that too?"

His face bore a strange sad smile and he answered, "Yea....I do, actually. I didn't want you to feel bad yourselves or feel guilty because you weren't sad like I was. That was a very rough day because I thought I was starting to accept the loss and beginning to move on a little and the grief hit me like a runaway freight train. I wasn't prepared for it at all and I just couldn't stop crying all day long. But, you and Sami helped, you really did. Just knowing that you cared meant so much to me." There was a lull in the conversation and John reached for the elevator button, thinking the moment was over.

Eric touched John on the sleeve to regain his attention and said, "John...I'm really very sorry for how I've been treating you lately. Seeing Dad so sick has been really tough. I resented you for the affair, even though I tried to understand it, but remembering that day helps.You loved her so much...and you were really hurting without her for all those years, you were suffering, just like my father."

A couple of tears snuck out the corners of John's eyes at the thought of reaching some sort of a truce and he nodded and agreed, "Yes, I was Eric. I love her more than anything on this earth, more than my own life, but for a long time after your father came back, I thought....I couldn't ever...have her because...I wasn't entitled, because I wasn't Roman Brady. We finally realized that we never stopped loving each other and that was how the affair happened. Since that time I recognized that the love we share cannot be denied, not even all of Kristen's lies could hold it back, Eric, so I ..can't just walk away from her now. Can you please try to understand that?"

"I'll try, John. I know that Stefano Dimera is the one to blame for it all, not you. And, I am sorry I said that about wishing you would disappear, that was cruel and I hope you can forgive me."

"Thank you for that, Eric. I'd really like it if we could at least be.. civil to each other. You know I raised you for a lot of years and I have some pretty good memories, I hate to think....that all means nothing to you now." The tears were there behind his eyes again, and though he managed to keep them from spilling out this time, the sadness touched his voice.

The boy felt the man's pain and said apologetically, "Oh, John...that's not how I really feel. I'm sorry if that's how I've been making it seem. I remember too, you were a...wonderful father to us. I just feel sometimes like I have to take sides, you know, and my father was so sick and I hated seeing him so weak. He needed Mom to survive it and taking her away now....it will hurt him so much. I just don't want him to be hurt any more."

"I don't want him to be hurt either, Eric. Believe it or not I really do care about him, but lying to him, having your mother pretend to love him is more hurtful in the long run than telling him the truth, don't you think?"

He nodded reluctantly, "Yes, I suppose you're right, John. Listen, I'll see you later, okay?" John didn't say anything more, he was just glad to be leaving on slightly less hostile terms this time, and started for the elevator again and it opened almost immediately after he pushed the down button. There was a slightly awkward silence surrounding them, and then Eric turned back around once more, to face the man who had been his father for several important years of his life and said with a warm smile, "By the way, you made a mean stack of pancakes...Dad."

John beamed to hear him say it, that was a very special memory of their time together as father and son. One more wayward tear managed to find its way out of his eye and slid quietly down his cheek as he turned to face his *son* and said, "Thanks, Eric...I always tried to make you and Sami happy... you know that."

"I love you too, Eric. I never stopped," John said in a tearful whisper, feeling like there was some real hope for reconciliation with at least one of the twins he loved so dearly and with whom he was once very close.

"I know... I know. I guess I took that for granted and I'm sorry. I've been way too hard on you since you came back from the jungle, can you please forgive me, John?"

John shrugged as they ended the hug, wiped a tear that was trying to sneak out with a bent finger and said, "Sure kid... what's love about if you can't forgive? Can you forgive me for hurting your father all those years ago? What do you say, can we mend our fences, Eric?" John held out a hand to shake.

The young man smiled and said, "Yea...I guess I'd like that, John." He slowly reached out his right hand and shook John's gingerly at first and then more vigorously. The elevator door popped open again and John took his cue to leave. "I'll catch you later, kid."

"Bye, John. I....hope, well... I.. hope things work out..for everybody someday."

"Me too, goodnight Eric." The doors closed and John leaned heavily against the wall of the elevator. He tipped his head back and looked skyward, saying, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you. Now.. could you please help me work things out with Marlena too?" Then he rode down in silence, his mind traveling back to that other lifetime again, to a few sunny days with the twins. There were so many memories of love to go along with the sad ones, memories that he hadn't thought of in a very long time because of all the crises that followed in the intervening years. When he really thought about it, those were such bittersweet memories because he missed Marlena terribly, thinking she was dead, but wonderful in some ways too because he and the twins, and even Carrie for part of it, had to pull together as a family and they grew very close during those years. "I wish it could be like that between us again, Eric. I really do love you and Sami...just as much as I did then." He felt good to know that at least Carrie loved him and still thought of him as a father figure, and now there was some hope for a good relationship with Eric. Samantha was another story entirely, John believed the rift with her would never be healed and he felt the pain of loss in his heart as he recalled the sight of her gleeful smile, and heard the sound of her sweet voice echoing in his mind, saying, "I wub you forever and always Daddy."

Marlena finished tucking Roman into bed and was coming down the stairs when the door chime went off and she raced to the door, thinking it was John coming back to talk things out, "John? she said as she opened the door, then surprise registered on her face as she saw Eric standing there instead.

"No, sorry it's just me, John just left here, he almost ran into me. What happened, if you don't mind me asking, he..didn't say."

She didn't hear that edge of bitterness that was always there in their recent conversations and it puzzled her. She would have thought he might try to accentuate the rift, using the fight as ammunition for his case that John and Marlena didn't belong together, but he didn't and she had to know why. "Eric...did something happen between you and John just now, you seem...different."

He nodded, she was so perceptive, nothing slipped by her. "Yea, we uh...sort of...came to a better understanding of each other I...said something nasty and it hurt him a lot, I could see the pain in his eyes and for some reason it reminded me of when..he thought you were..dead. I shared a memory from when I was four and he was grieving for you, it was the second anniversary of the plane crash and he was a mess that day. Sami and I tried very hard to cheer him up and he tried so hard to smile through the tears for us, Mom."

"Oh, Eric." John had only shared bits and pieces with her over the years about what it was like for him when she was presumed dead. The memories were so painful, he seemed to prefer to lock them away for the most part after the initial pier reunion.

"Mom, he worked so hard at hiding his pain so we would feel good about what we were doing for him and so we wouldn't feel sad too, but he was hurting so much, Mom. Remembering that made me realize how deeply he loved you then and how much he must still love you. We..forgave each other and we actually..hugged for awhile. Can you believe it?"

Tears of joy filled her eyes, she hated that the children were treating John so terribly, she just hadn't had the energy to deal with it much herself. "Oh, I'm so glad honey.... he loves you and Sami so much, just as much or more than he ever did and he's been so hurt by your rejection of him. He has hidden it pretty well, but it hurts him deeply, Eric."

He said sadly, "I know, Mom, he had tears in his eyes tonight. He tried to hide them from me, but that was what reminded me of that incident I told you about, the pain in his eyes. I'm going to try to stop hurting him. From now on, I'm going to do the best I can not to take sides and let you all handle your own problems."

She hugged him again and said, "Thank you, honey. That means a lot to me and to John."

"Now.....I don't mean to pry, but he seemed very upset, do you want to tell me what happened?"

"No, sweety, it's just something we have to work out, don't worry about it. We're all going to do the best we can and I'll try not to hurt your father any more than I have to, or any sooner than I have to, allright?:"

Eric sighed with a weariness beyond his years and said, "Allright Mom. I love all of you and I just wish you could all be happy, but I guess that's just not possible right now, is it?"

She sighed wearily and sat down on the couch, "No, it isn't. Not as long as both of them love me. Oh, it's so hard, Eric... I love them both....and I've hurt them both so much! I just don't know what to do sometimes, sweety." Marlena suddenly felt the weight of her situation come crashing down on her and started to cry in spite of her tremendous effort to control her emotions.

Eric sat down next to her took her into his arms and held her close, realizing in this moment that he had been too harsh with his mother as well. "Oh, Mom...I know it, and I'm sorry I've been so hard on you and John. I know that you love him and you always have. And, I also know that you don't want to hurt Dad. I want you to be happy, I really do. I want you to know you have my support, from now on Mom, whatever you decide."

She looked up at him and smiled through her tears, saying, "Oh, thank you Eric, that means more to me than you can know. This is such a difficult time for all of us."

"Yes, I can see that. So, what happened Mom, why was John so upset just now? I really do care, you know."

"Yes, I know you do, honey and I appreciate it very much. But, I think it's best if we don't talk about these things. John and I will handle our...difficulties, okay?"

"Okay, Mom. Then, maybe you can tell me how Dad's doing tonight."

She frowned, remembering how worried she was as well as the argument with John, "Well, he's had a tough night, but he's resting just fine now. I'm hoping a good night's sleep will help a lot.

"Oh, why did he have such a hard time tonight?"

She didn't want to tell him, but it couldn't be avoided for long. "Well, he...somehow found out the truth about...John and I and he felt weaker afterward."

"How, Mom, do you mean he saw you together?" he asked with the anger starting to creep back into his heart.

Knowing how her son might react, she said it anyway, "No... nothing like that sweety, I can't really say though, I wasn't there when it happened. It was between you father and...John."

"John! You mean John told him, how could he go behind your back that way?" The newfound forgiveness threatened to disintegrate in an instant.

"Eric, that is not the way it happened, I'm sure of it." She said it with the conviction she couldn't find a short time earlier when she quarreled with John.

"Well, then how did it happen?" he demanded.

"I...don't really know..Eric. We..didn't get to discuss the details."

Eric stood up and walked over toward the front door, remembering the expression on John's face when he nearly collided with the man. "Oh, so that's what it was all about, you thought the same thing I did about it, didn't you? You believed John did it on purpose, didn't you, Mom?" he asked accusingly. "Darn him anyway!" The anger and resentment flared so swiftly.

She hated to concede that much, thinking it would only fuel the fiery anger that was seemingly rekindled. Quietly, she answered, "Yes..I did, at first, but I don't now. John said it happened by accident and I believe him. He doesn't lie Eric."

The young man laughed and said with a derogatory tone, "Right, Mom, and what have you both been doing since the day my father came home? Of course he lies, Mom. How do you know for sure he didn't just tell Dad, so he could get all this overwith and marry you? He seems pretty impatient about that, he's been pushing you to tell Dad. Maybe he got tired of waiting for you."

That was her first thought also, but John was so angry and hurt that she had accused him of being so selfish. "No, Eric, if John said it happened by accident, then he is telling the truth, I trust him completely. He wouldn't lie to me about something like that, I believe in him with all my heart."

Still somewhat skeptical, Eric sighed with frustration and said, "If you say so, Mom." Eric wasn't sure what to believe anymore, or what to feel toward John. He felt so torn between the two men he had loved as his father. It was so confusing to him, even after all these years to have called two very different men Daddy...finding out at a tender age that John never was and that his real father had been kept away for many years. He still couldn't quite figure out how to put it all in perspective and keep a place in his heart for both of them.