Promises Made ch 5

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
And make you feel my love.....

After leaving the Penthouse, John went down to the pier, it was the place he always went to think; the smell of the river at night and the mournful sounds of the fog horns were somehow strangely comforting to him. While standing with one foot up on a crate, the other firmly planted on the old wooden planks of his favorite pier, John wondered silently just how many times he had come to this very spot with only one thing on his mind, or rather one person on his mind, Marlena Evans. 'Oh, Doc... I really thought tonight was going to be the one where the truth was all going to be out in the open and we would be free to love...honestly. I'm so tired of having to hide my love for you, I thought that was overwith when all of Kristen's lies were exposed.' It was reaching the point where it took more energy than he had inside to pretend that he didn't love Marlena with every ounce of his soul and he wondered how much longer he could hold back the mounting frustration of being kept from her, from not being able to hold her in his arms, not being able to make love to her. The worst part of it was that it was all so unnecessary now, Roman knew about them. All that was left was for Marlena to confirm what John had told the man when confronted by Roman in this very spot.

He blew out a long sigh and asked his Lord for help. "Hello God...it's just me again. I guess you know how much I love her...you've always known, haven't you? Even when I didn't fully recognize it myself, you knew how deep the bond was between us. You worked through me to save her soul God, so if Doc and I are meant to be....as I believe we are, then please...Lord, find a way to help us finally be together, it's been so long already. Help Marlena do what has to be done. Help her find the strength inside to talk to Roman about us, so he can let her go,so we can all move on with our lives."

John felt God's presence in his heart and he knew that his prayer would be answered, but he had the sense that it wouldn't happen immediately, that there might be some very rough road ahead before his prayer was granted.Yet somehow he also knew he could handle it, believing that God would give him the strength he needed. After his communion with God was finished, John sat down on the bench and allowed himself to be mesmerized by the sounds, the glimmering highlights made by the moonlight reflecting off the water and the invigorating sensation of the cold night air on his face.

He suddenly found himself remembering the times when Marlena had been drawn to this magical mystical place at the same time as he was. As the shadowy images from those memories began to fade slightly, he looked up and she miraculously appeared before his eyes....walking slowly down the creaky old steps toward him. She was obviously drawn there again tonight. John took it as a sign, saying quietly, "Thank you, Lord." Then he stood up to greet her, "Hey, Doc....funny meeting you here...."

All she said was, "Yes.." as she eyed him and approached him slowly. Then they were silent, neither wanting to be the first to apologize, neither wanting to say the wrong thing. So, John and Marlena just stood side by side, looking out at the water again for several long moments. Slowly the lovers turned to face each other and spoke at the same time, "I'm sorry..." and then they laughed and the tension was broken, they could talk and did so, for what must have been hours. They talked about misunderstandings and mistakes, and their hopes and dreams for the future. It was a wonderful conversation and then came time to say goodnight and talk about when Marlena would tell Roman and determine how the holidays were going to be spent.

It was awkward, but John was tired of walking on egg shells and asked her directly, "So, Doc...when are you going to tell him that you're going to marry me and that there isn't any chance for him to be with you?"

In answer to John's question about her intentions, she said hesitantly, "Well, John...I still think that...I should delay the discussion with Roman until after the holidays."

John was crestfallen, he hoped after the long talk they just had that she would tell him immediately, "But, Doc...we talked about this, he knows... why won't you talk to him and help him accept it?" He just couldn't understand the point in delaying any further.

It seemed like he was being insensitive again and she responded from her disappointment about his behavior, "You saw how sick he was tonight, John...I don't want to hurt him, I just can't do it to him, I won't do it!"

Before he knew it, John's frustration about being kept from the woman he loved got the best of him and he let his suspicion sneak out. Staring at her, he said somewhat hesitantly, "Well, I...don't think he was, I think...he was...faking it."

Marlena was shocked to hear those words come out of his mouth and it showed on her face and in her voice, "Oh, John! How could you say that about him? Roman would never do something like that! He is the most honest man I have ever met in my whole life."

John winced at the implication of her statement and then nodded his head sadly and said, "Okay...Doc, whatever you say. Look, I gotta go...I've got some packing to do." He started to turn away from her toward the stairs.

That was the last thing she expected to hear him say at this juncture and she had to find out what it was about. "Packing, John.....where are you going?" she asked, fearing the worst.

He knew he was in some ways being childish, taking his anger out on her, wanting her to feel some of what he was going through without her and he spoke from that place. "I'm...gonna take Brady to Italy...I promised Isabella I'd take him back there when he was old enough to understand and I think this is the perfect time to go. I'll see you later, Doc." John turned to leave her and she didn't know what to say to that. He was hurt and angry, she could see that much, but she was absolutely shocked that he was planning to leave her at Christmas.

Before he made it to the stairs, she managed to call out to him, "John! How can you do this? We were..supposed to spend Christmas together, we've talked about this!"

John let the resentment rise again and was more sarcastic than he intended, "Yea...well.... we've talked about a lot of things, Doc. You got that right though, Marlena, we *were* going to spend Christmas together! But, since you can't or rather...won't tell Roman the truth, we can't be together the way we should be, so...you go ahead and have yourself a nice little Brady Christmas and my little Slugger and I will have ours... alone."

She rushed over and reached out for his arm, stopping his progress up the stairs. "John...no, wait, don't leave like this, please! I don't want us to be separated now, please."

John turned toward her and said with the pain of taking second place in her life written all over his face and in his sad eyes, "Doc, it's up to you. I can't...handle this anymore...being around you with him...acting like you're a loving couple, watching Eric and Sami gloat, knowing nobody wants me around except you. What kind of atmosphere is that for Brady and Belle, you think they don't pick up on the tension?" Shaking his head, he stuck to his guns, saying, "No, I'm sorry, Marlena, but unless you're prepared to put our love first...for once and tell Roman the whole truth about us, then I'm taking Brady with me and we'll spend the holidays in Rome and then we'll see you after the New Year." He stared at her for several agonizingly long seconds, giving her the time to tell him what he wanted to hear. When she didn't, he took her firmly in his arms and kissed her passionately, just long enough to remind of her of what she was missing. Then he turned angrily away from her, leaving her there to ponder yet again whether she was making the right decision. "Merry Christmas, Doc!" he called back to her as he went up the stairs, his growing frustration with her reluctance to place a high priority on him and their love, obvious in his tone of voice.

Still feeling the fire of his kiss, she watched him go in disbelief and blew out a long breath. "Well, Marlena....you could end up without him if you let this go on for much longer.... 'So, what's it going to be, Doc.... John's happiness or Roman's?' asked the still small voice in the back of her head. 'Which one of them is really first in your heart?'

She stood staring out at the water....thinking about the past and the future, what she wanted....and the two men she had loved with all her heart. John was physically healthy and strong, but his heart was breaking a little at a time. She remembered the expression on his face when she said they'd tell Roman after the holidays, when she capitulated to Eric and agreed to have Roman stay with her, forsaking John's wishes, and when she asked him to take back the ring. He was so hurt by those choices and his heart nearly crushed by that last action, until he knew it was only temporary. And, tonight, the wounded look in his eyes when she had for all intents and purposes accused him of selfishly going behind her back to tell Roman about them, to suit his own needs. And then there was Roman, he seemed so weak yet, and she hated the thought of causing a relapse by confirming whatever John had told him. She remembered vividly the look of betrayal and loss on his face the day of the Christening, then again when he learned Belle was not his child and the opposing happiness he demonstrated when he talked about the future now.

Like John had done awhile earlier, Marlena turned to prayer, "Oh dear God...please help me decide what to do.....I don't want to hurt either one of them and that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm hurting John by putting him off, treating him like his needs and his happiness aren't important to me and I'm hurting Roman in the long run by lying to him, letting him build his hopes up about being with me." She sighed heavily and then since she couldn't do anything at the moment, she decided to head on back home to the Penthouse.

Believing she didn't have much time to make a choice before John left for Italy with Brady, Marlena realized as she settled into the warmth and comfort of her bed that she was going to spend this night thinking long and hard about everything that had happened since Roman returned in the middle of her wedding to John, thereby putting an end to the proceedings. She had ached to be with him, the man of her dreams and now all she was doing was hurting him...in favor of Roman, again. It suddenly dawned on her exactly what her fiance must be feeling about the situation. To John, it must seem like what happened when the affair was ending, all over again. She chose Roman, placing the highest priority on him and their marriage. In John's eyes, she was pushing him aside again, putting Roman's needs first. She was forcing John to stay away and pretend he was with Kristen, making him stay in a hotel while the other man was living with her....preparing for the holidays together when she should have been married to John by this time, living with him, planning for Christmas with him and their children, Belle and Brady. "Oh, John....I'm sorry for how all this must feel for you," she said out loud. "I have to find a way to make him feel the depth and strength of my love!" she said intently, to herself. In her heart, she knew what she had to do, she only hoped that she could summon the courage and that by the time she did, it wouldn't be too late.