Unfounded Fears
Part 13
"He is still sleeping?" Kwai Chang Caine's voice gently interrupted Annie's thoughts.
Annie turned her head toward the man. "He woke for a time. He had a nightmare. But then he went back to sleep."
"Ah, yes. He had a nightmare earlier. They do seem to plague his sleep." Caine commented as he sat in the chair on the opposite side of the bed.
Kelly entered the room behind the older man and took the chair next to him, near the door. "He's always had nightmares," she whispered. "I remember when I was little that he would be crying in his sleep. I would get Mom to help him because I thought he was hurt."
Annie nodded, a bitter smile on her face. "Those were tough times on him. . .on all of us. He wouldn't deal with his fears while he was awake, which just meant they haunted him when he was at rest. . .when he unable to defend himself from their harm."
Caine's eyes lowered to the floor. He had his own memories of Peter's dreams as a child, dreams of dragons and shadows. The dreams Peter suffered after the temple were much more dangerous to his psyche. In his adult life fears of abandonment and failure tormented his son. Caine knew of these fears. He had experienced the dreams himself. Dragons weren't so bad when compared to the pain of the other visions.
He looked at Annie, who was carefully stroking Peter's temple. "Paul is not here," he commented in a matter of fact manner.
Annie involuntarily bit her lip, not responding at first. Then she shook her head, "No. He's not."
"Why?" Caine's question caused Annie to stop the caressing motion.
Kelly looked at the expression on her mother's face upon the asking of the question. She knew Annie well enough to know that her mother was trying desperately to maintain an air of calmness, but the façade was cracking.
"He could not come," she finally answered.
Caine tilted his head, "Could not come? He is ill?"
Annie dropped her head down, knowing that she could not hide the truth from the Shaolin master, "He is not himself."
"He is upset about what happened to Peter?"
"That's one way of putting it," Annie smiled.
"He is concerned that Peter did not follow instructions?"
"Well, that's part of it; a small part of it." Annie's hand moved from Peter' temple and lightly touched the side of his face. She felt the slight growth of beard on his chin mixed with the warmth of his skin. Subconsciously, Peter must have registered the contact. His head turned slightly into her palm as if automatically seeking the safety and love it provided.
Annie savored the feeling and then took a deep breath, "Master Caine, we need to talk." Her voice was barely above a whisper.
The determination in Annie Blaisdell's voice took Caine off-guard. "Of course."
Annie stood suddenly, "Not here." She turned her head towards the doorway of the room, "Kelly?"
"Yes, Mom," Kelly responded from her position near the door.
"Will you stay with Peter. Keep him calm in case he has another bad dream. I don't want him hurting again."
Caine turned to the dark-haired girl, nodding his approval at her mother's instructions. Kelly smiled in return, "Of course. After all the times he watched out for me, it's the least I can do."
Annie stood, "Thanks, Honey." The blind woman made her way carefully to the foot of the bed. Kelly stood and took her arm. Caine met her near the doorway and led Peter's mother from the room. Before leaving, Annie turned to her daughter, "If you need anything, we'll be in the waiting room."
Caine escorted the petite woman to the large couch in the empty waiting room. "Would you like something to drink?" he offered.
"No. I just. . ." she paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. "I need to discuss something with you. Something that concerns Peter and. . . " she faltered for a moment, as if debating whether to continue. Caine waited for the next words with patience. ". . .and Paul."
Caine tilted his head, eyes narrowing, "There is something wrong?"
"Yes."
"May I assist?"
Annie nodded her head again, "Perhaps." She sat silently for a moment then turned her head to the older man. "May I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"It's personal. It's about your feelings for Peter. . .and for Paul."
Caine's gaze dropped to the floor. He felt a pressure rising in his chest and a flutter in his heart. His mind pushed down his emotions and he struggled to return a calm to his system. "My feelings?"
Annie's hand reached out and made contact with Caine's leg. The priest moved his hand to cover hers. "When you found Peter and discovered that Peter had another family. . .another father, how did you feel?"
The pressure in Caine's chest returned, as did the flutter of his heartbeat. He once again attempted to return to calm, with less success. He was silent for a long time, weighing his words carefully. "I felt many conflicting emotions. I was overjoyed to have found my son. I was fearful of the loneliness our separation had inflicted upon him. I was gladdened that my son had found a home, a family to love and to love him in return. . .and I felt guilty that I had not been there to provide him with that love." The gray-haired man said the last words with regret filling his voice.
"And Paul? How did you feel about Paul?"
Caine's head tilted again, "I do not understand."
"Were you jealous of Paul? Did you feel that Paul had taken your place as Peter's father."
Caine swallowed deeply. His mind tumbled back to the burned-out apartment, when his newly discovered son first told him that he had found a family. . .a father. Peter tried to hide his relationship with Paul from Caine. He tried to disguise Paul as a 'big brother.' But Caine knew the truth. The love Peter felt for the man who had saved him from a life of loneliness was evident in those expressive hazel eyes. Paul was a father to Peter. . .as much of a father as Caine had been. "I was not there to be a father to my son," Caine whispered.
"That's not what I asked," Annie responded, a hint of frustration in her voice.
Caine closed his eyes, "I. . .I felt that. . ." He stopped, knowing his words were not coming out as he wanted. He finally resolved himself to the truth. "Yes. When I first found Peter I felt that my position in Peter's life had been replaced."
Annie nodded, "And now? Do you feel that way now?"
Caine shrugged his shoulder, his voice quiet, "Sometimes." He felt Annie's hand squeeze his slightly, in obvious reaction to his answer. "Please do not misunderstand me, Annie. I am forever grateful for the love Paul and you gave to my son. You will always hold a special place in my heart. But there are times when I am envious of the relationship Paul has developed with him. Peter chose to follow in Paul's footsteps. Paul has a bond with Peter that I will never have. . .can never hope to attain. I regret that I will never have the years back that I missed. . .watching him grow from a child into a man." He paused for a moment, trying to determine if his words had hurt the woman.
" But you know that you are still Peter's father, right? That just because Paul was a father to Peter during those years, your place in Peter's heart is still there."
"I know that now. There was a time when I was not so sure."
Caine's honesty broke Annie's heart, "What?"
Caine released the woman's hand, clasping his own together. "I was not certain of my place in Peter's life. Peter had the love of a man who had been there for him for over half his life. Why would he need a second father?"
"Oh please don't tell me that's what you thought," Annie's voice broke with emotion.
"During times of doubt, I could not help what I thought," the priest confessed.
"But you don’t feel that way now?" the blond woman pressed.
Caine smiled slightly, "I know that my son loves me. . .as a father. But sometimes there are still doubts." He took Annie's hand again, "Is this what is disturbing Paul? Does he feel that he has lost Peter's love?"
Annie felt a surge of guilt. She had never betrayed Paul's confidence before in their marriage, but she could not stop from answering the question, "Yes. . .No. Not his love. . .his place."
"Ah. His place as Peter's father?"
"Yes. He thinks there is room for only one father in Peter's life. That both of you trying to fill that place is causing more pressure on Peter to choose between you."
Caine said nothing. He would be a hypocrite to try to argue Paul's assertions. He had contemplated the same thoughts himself over the past two years. "I understand."
"I have tried to tell him that Peter's capacity to love each of you is not affected by the roles you play in his life. But Paul won't listen. He feels that Peter is suffering from the confusion of trying to be a son to you both. That Paul has nothing to offer Peter now that you are here. I think what happened to Peter last night brought all these feelings to the surface."
"Why?"
The frustration returned to the woman's voice, "Because Peter was being reckless trying to please Paul. Because Paul thinks he didn't do enough to help Peter. Because in the end, it was you who did help him. That had you not arrived, Peter would have died."
"But that is not true," the priest responded.
"He does not want to see the truth. He wants to feel sorry for himself. Now he is pushing Peter away. . ."
"So that he does not cause Peter pain. . .so that Paul himself is not hurt."
"Yes."
"Sometimes our fears of pain are greater than the actual pain itself."
"I know. But I can't get him to understand the mistake he is making. Peter's love for Paul has never changed. Your return has done nothing to diminish his feelings for Paul. I know that. But how do I get Paul to see the truth?"
Caine was silent for a long time. He finally shook his head, resorting to his one shouldered shrug, "I do not know."
End Part 13