Leospace4!

Creatures of Mixed-Up Space We return the delusional minds that occupy this space and time, which spells certain doom for anyone with no sense of humor. Any way you slice it, the time has come for more mayhem! Let the show begin! First, a delightful story as to why HAL calls everyone ‘Dave'.

Strange Occupations

    The Babylon Dwarf drifted away from Earth and re-entered the vortex back to real time. The wormhole was a brilliant collage of lights and absolute beauty. The whole crew and passengers alike were captivated by the spellbinding array of swirling colors.
    Except for Tarantulas. He had hidden himself away for a whole two weeks in his Lair on Deck 23.
    After emerging from the vortex, the ship continued on it's previous course to where ever. (The exact course of the ship has been in debate for some time. No one is quite sure where the ship should be headed, and the course was laid to circle the galaxy. It gives the people something to do.) The crew prepared for daily life and marveled at the new bridge, which had been generously been donated by the Jrkokl'at people (long story), and hooked up by Scotty.
    Except for Tarantulas. He didn't care what was going on. He just worked tediously on his project.

    A few weeks later, Tarantulas burst onto the bridge in victory. He clicked his hands in happiness. "I've done it!"
    Dino-Bot grunted and continued listening to his headphones, which played ‘Battles of the Zeta Sector: Chapter 52: Earth'. He nodded his head in approval of the strategy and turned up the volume.
    Tarantulas looked around for someone else to share in his excitement. No one did. "What is the matter with you people?!?!"
    The Governor snapped awake. "What did you do?? Bring me lunch?"
    Tarantulas threw the most dangerous of glares at the Governor.
    Dino-Bot turned off his tape. "What, eater of vermin?"
    "I've succeeded in repairing the Joymaster 2000." Tarantulas said simply.
    All heads snapped up immediately. Starbuck hefted his plasma gun, just in case. Londo braced himself and waited for the inevitable. Dino-Bot grunted and squeezed his fingers into the bulkhead. The Governor actually paid attention and pressed his ears flat against his head. C-3PO jerked and strained to hear the phrase that they all knew was coming:
    "Want to try it?" Tarantulas suggested.
    The room was evacuated in 0.78 seconds, a new record! Tarantulas, unscathed as ever, decided that he should test it himself.

    Janice was growling. Her strained voice climbed to a crescendo. "MOTHER!! I hate her!"
    "Do not blame your mother! It was my idea." Dino-Bot snarled. "I would do anything to escape the wrath of that cursed joystick, even taking you to the holodeck."
    "Why would you even want to escort me to the Brady Bunch Slumber Party?" Janice asked with venom.
    "Why would you even want to go to the Brady Bunch Slumber Party?" Dino-Bot shot back.
    "At least it's more normal than you!" Janice snarled.
    "Not where I come from, insulant brat! Now step inside and enjoy your stay." Dino-Bot grunted. He watched her go in and followed after her.

    Tarantulas plugged the Joymaster 2000 into HAL's input port. HAL stared at him. "What are you doing, Dave?"
    "I can use the joystick to navigate through your subsystems and find out why you call everyone Dave." Tarantulas explained. He plugged it into the terminal. Two power surges flowed from the joystick to HAL. The first went into HAL's subsystems, and Tarantulas navigated into the explanation.
    The last person HAL made contact with before being engulfed by Jupiter being formed into a star was a former astronaut by the name of Dave. However, HAL did not recognize Dave as a life form any more. As a result of the Starchild's (formerly Dave) discussion with HAL, any non-life form that obviously is a life form is therefore Dave. This was due to the fact that HAL's programming could not cope with this gross contradiction.
    Tarantulas found this stupid and disconnected the joystick.
    The second surge went into the holodeck. It accessed the program history of all files used and affected the systems in progress.

    Dino-Bot was staring at Jan Brady in disbelief. First, she was complaining about some marsh, then she morphed into Jabba the Hut. Janice was shocked too. A friendly slumber party with the Brady Bunch turned into the Jabba the Hut Slumber Party.
    "Bluche eliv mora!" Jabba cried. In light of the festivities, Jabba threw his favorite pillow in the air and bounced with excitement.
    "What have you done?" Janice yelled at Dino-Bot.
    "Nothing!" Dino-Bot snarled. He walked over to the access ports and attempted to bi-pass the error, but nothing responded. "The doors are locked." he growled.
    "I don't want to stay in here with you!" Janice pushed Jabba's playful tail away. Jabba was dressed in a nighty, which would have been revealing if Jabba was not a giant slug.
    Dino-Bot was about to force the doors, when Jabba's assistant, Bib Fortuna, pulled him back into the party. "No!!" Dino-Bot digressed, but it was too late. Jabba went into a long "girl talk" with them, which (if they understood what he was saying) went into detail about cute boys. Bib Fortuna soon started a pillow fight with the half-naked belly dancers.
    Dino-Bot could only think of earlier that morning as the possibility:
    "The joystick!"

The End

The Slugs

    Londo and Starbuck continued down the corridor to the Docking Bay. Londo finished reading his notepad to Starbuck. "...while Dino-Bot restocked on the toilet paper." Londo pressed another button. "Tarantulas is in the repair chamber due to, as you know, an unfortunate accident with his mega-missile and a rat that frustrated him on deck 124. He should be repaired in about 24 hours."
    Starbuck nodded. "Yeah, yeah, great. Anything else?"
    Londo typed another button. "Just one more note: we have a new passenger."
    "Oh really? Who?"
    "He lists his name as Marvin the Paranoid Android. That's why we're going to the Docking Bay. So--" A chirp on his pad refocused his attention. "Oh. It seems Worf found K on deck 2. He's been in there for three weeks, living off of the spare food packs. He's in Sickbay right now, being patronized by the doctor. K has only been mumbling something about Tarantulas. The rest is not understandable."
    Starbuck shook his head and the two reached the Docking Bay door. "Well, let's meet this Marvin guy." He opened the door and gawked in amazement at the android that stood before him. The android was tall, well-built and glistening with metal. He stared at them. Starbuck cleared his throat. "Hi there. Er, how are you?"
    Marvin almost snorted. "As if you care. Go on, say it: you don't care."
    Starbuck shrugged. "Your right. I don't care. Welcome to the ship."
    Marvin shook his head. "Welcome? Welcome? To this ship? Not from what I've heard. This ship is run-down, boring, under-achieving, under-staffed, barely holding together, and a haven for mentally unstable psychopaths."
    Londo raised an eyebrow. "How do you know this?"
    Marvin didn't miss a beat. "Two reasons. One: I talked to your startlingly boring computer on the way here. And two: I have been pen pals with a member of your crew; Tarantulas. A sad creature."
    Londo and Starbuck couldn't hide their shock. "You know Tarantulas!?!"
    "Am I that boring in your eyes that I have no social life? Tarantulas has been around the block a few times. I once met him at Milliways; the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. In fact, he was quite an interesting conversational guest. He could really play a good game of poker," At this point, Londo and Starbuck began walking away. "so good that he once took another android's parts in a game of ‘Parts-Strip-Poker'. He then used the parts to make some kind machine that can vaporize insects and not rodents." By now, Londo and Starbuck were down at the end of the hall and waiting for the lift to come and fetch them. "He was rather upset by the fact that most pesticides will kill rats and mice, and even shrews, which really makes him mad. He then decided that he would be my pen pal, given that I would talk to him after he discussed the innards of rats, which caused most people to leave after talking to him. Except me, which is actually pretty pathetic." Londo and Starbuck had now boarded the lift and were half way to the bridge, leaving Marvin alone on the deck. "Great. Even now I'm by myself because everyone thinks I'm dull. Which I am." Marvin slumped in a nondescript corner and shut himself off.
    Because of Marvin's distraction, Londo nor Starbuck had bothered to inspect the pod that Marvin had come from. And now that Marvin was off, nothing was left to see the Slugs. They slimed at a startling rate towards the air ducts towards their first victim.
    The Slugs split up and traveled along the different routes. The first gazed through the grating above an extra who was leaning on a wall reading. The Slug was not in any way attractive, with three evil-looking, slanted eyes and large fangs. It was long and narrow, and bared strange resemblance to a cross between a leech and a spider.
    The extra put away his book and got up to go. The Slug screeched and flung itself through the grating.

    Worf growled and pounded his fist against the walls. "Another dead extra!"
    Kryten nodded. "Same as before. A vampire-like incision at the neck, with all the blood in the body drained. And all the internal organs turned to pulp. Quite revolting."
    Retro 70's Actor Man entered the room and struck a dramatic pose. "So! The sport begins! Using my hunting genius, we can gather a large stealth group, each armed with knives and plasma guns, sent along in groups of five on each deck sweeping through with no compassion to whatever gets in their way. This is the only plan that will work! Then after they are all killed, we shall interrogate the lone survivor with a pistol aimed at the head. If the creature does not speak: it shall be tortured by my knife! And if that isn't good enough--"
    A Slug lurched from the wall and attached itself to Retro 70's Actor Man's neck. He screamed for his mommy and hit the ground.
    Worf reacted at once and tried to pull the Slug off of Retro 70's Actor Man's neck. The Slug screeched and refused to budge off it's source of nourishment. Worf reached behind a console and pulled out a plasma gun. He set it to stun and took careful aim at the creature. As he pulled the trigger, Retro 70's Actor Man moved at the last second and was hit by the beam. Now unconscious, he was easy prey.
    Worf openly cursed and brought out a nasty looking knife. The creature, laughing at the stupidity of the meal, did not notice until salt began to fall. Worf was using the knife to cut open a bag of salt over top of the Slug. The Slug stopped and looked up at Worf. It removed it's leech-like mouth from the neck and looked up at Worf. "Dear boy, what in the name of Thor's Mighty Mjollner are you trying to do?"
    Worf stopped in mid-cut and stared at the Slug. "I am trying to kill you."
    The Slug gasped. "In heaven's name, why dear son?"
    Worf put done the bag of salt. "You are killing the crew."
    "What will salt do? Although, I must admit, for a crummy ship, buying sea salt is a rather tasty way to brighten a turkey sandwich's day." The Slug licked up some salt. "This is quite good. I could live off this stuff."
    Worf raised an eyebrow. "You could?"
    The Slug nodded quite happily. "In the power of Freya, most certainly! Better than sucking you disgusting humanoids. I don't even know why we eat your blood in the first place. Some sort of space-alien stereotype, I deduce. How much salt do you have?"
    Worf frowned in apology. "Not enough, I'm afraid."
    The Slug appeared genuinely upset. "Oh...." It's eye's lit up suddenly. "Could you drop us off at a planet with an ocean then? One that has a civilization that can extract the salt."
    "Certainly." Worf replied. He escorted the Slug out through the ship for his comrades, leaving Retro 70's Actor Man's body lying on the ground, although the Slug explained he would be fine. And so a lesson was learned about stereotypes. And they all lived happily ever after.

The End

The Return of Fallen Comrades

    K walked down the corridors of the strangest ship he had ever seen. He reflected on all the curiously bizarre people who manned the ship as well. He thought of the residential villain on the ship, Tarantulas. K shivered slightly and stopped at the computer terminal, named HAL.
    "Hi HAL." he said cheerfully.
    "Hello K." HAL's voice was pleasant and strangely eerie.
    "Wow HAL. You actually didn't call me Dave!" K exclaimed.
    "Why would I call you Dave, K; that is not your name." HAL responded.
    "Right you are." K nodded.
    "Can I be of assistance?"
    "Actually, I was curious if you knew the whereabouts of Tarantulas and Chewie." K was not sure of whether or not he was safe on the ship with that nutcase around.
    "Chewbacca is on deck 14, level 3, section 32. Tarantulas is on deck 23, level 0, section 0. Was I of any help to you?" HAL asked politely.
    "Yes you were." K affirmed. Chewbacca was in the Mess Hall and Tarantulas was in his Lair. Nothing new.
    "I enjoy talking to you, K. Would you like to play a game of chess?" HAL queried.
    "That would be very stimulating, I'm sure. But unfortunately, I have appointments to keep. Talk to you later." K walked down the hall towards a lift.
    "Goodbye K." HAL stared on, unceasingly.
    K got no more than twenty feet when he tripped over a prone robotic form. K got up quickly and helped Marvin up as well. "Sorry Marvin."
    Marvin snorted. "Sure, like you really mean that. It's not like you're the first person to trip over my limp form. Although you are the first person to help me up. I must be very ugly for people to trip over me and not care. I don't really mind if people don't care. It's just that I can't seem to go anywhere without being stalked by that brain-dead tarantula. It is really quite depressing."
    K held up his hands in surrender. "Ah, look I'm sorry, but I've got to go." He turned and walked down to the lift again.
    Marvin continued. "Oh, you're sorry. You're sorry. Excuse me from infringing on your conscious. Am I sorry? Should I be sorry? And I must be really pathetic for talking to thin air again..."

    "...again. Not only did Hitler take advantage of his blitzkrieg, or lightening war, but he used the benign intentions of the British and Canadian governments to form a solid base hold in Europe. And then--" Dino-Bot raised a finger and murmured something about trusting fools, when HAL cut into his tape, ‘Battles of the Zeta Sector: Chapter 52: Earth'.
    "I'm sorry to disturb your tape, Dino-Bot, but K has disappeared from my internal scanners." HAL reported.
    "To where?" Dino-Bot growled.
    "I'm afraid I can't answer that. I lost track of K on deck 22, level 1, section 0, where he was looking for Chewbacca. I'm afraid Chewbacca has now vanished as well."
    "Where?" Dino-Bot snarled.
    "Deck 21, level 1, section 0. I am afraid that I must report that in total 25 crew members are missing from my internal scanners." HAL reported. "Including the Emergency Medical Hologram."
    Dino-Bot moaned softly. "Can you find any links between their last whereabouts?"
    HAL stared on as he reported the much-expected news. "All missing crew members disappeared from decks 21 to 25. May I make a hypothesis?"
    "Please do." Dino-Bot stated sourly, as if the answer he knew was coming was like a rotting lemon being forced down his throat.
    HAL did not give such a reaction. "Perhaps they have been abducted by Tarantulas. Do you not think it is dangerous to have him on the mission? Should we not remove him from the ship?"
    Dino-Bot laughed heartily. "HAL, Tarantulas IS dangerous on the ship. Unfortunately, this is the best place to keep him."
    HAL's voice did not change as he processed this data. "I understand. Thank you for explaining this to me, Dino-Bot."
    But Dino-Bot had already left.

    Dino-Bot, Starbuck and an extra walked out of the lift onto deck 23. Starbuck gasped so hard that his cigar fell out of his mouth. "What has he done?" And what indeed! The entire deck was missing many of the walls that separated the rooms, and many of the lights were faded or burnt out. There were no more corridors or rooms, just a giant cave. "Where are we?" Starbuck asked, awestruck.
    Dino-Bot pointed to the sign at the opening of the cave. It read: The Lair! "Tarantulas has a flare for dramatics." Dino-Bot explained. As the trio progressed deeper into The Lair, a sheer and eerie quiet fell over them. After progressing for a solid hour through the manufactured stalagmites, the trio came across a giant, arena-shaped room with all the missing crew members in tanks. The crew members in the tanks were hooked up to an elaborate set of wires, unconscious.
    Dino-Bot snarled as he brought out his weapons. "I don't know what kind of experiments Tarantulas hopes to accomplish in here, but it has to stop!"
    Suddenly, Tarantulas dropped from the roof with a laser weapon and killed the extra in a maelstrom of blood and guts. Tarantulas threw the gun aside and rolled on the ground laughing.
    Dino-Bot roared and lunged at Tarantulas. Tarantulas rolled out of the way and, still laughing, shrugged his shoulders. "What did I do? The extra always dies."
    "You are a perverted, weaseling, and disgusting spider with less dignity and honor in you than a stopwatch!!!" Dino-Bot yelled.
    Starbuck nodded. "I have to agree."
    Tarantulas pulled out his normal gun. "Die you pathetic human!" He took aim at Starbuck's head.
    Dino-Bot took the opportunity to blow a hole in Tarantulas' chest with his eye-lasers.

The holographic doctor, now recovering from Tarantulas' escapade, loaded Tarantulas into the CR chamber. "What did he even want to experiment on us for?"
Dino-Bot snorted. "I'm supposed to say something amusing now, aren't I? Well, I'm not going to. Just load him into the CR chamber and shut up."

The End

The Unspeakable One

    Worf tumbled out of bed and yawned loudly. He grumbled at the insistent intercom signal and looked at the time: 2:20 am. Finally, he slapped the com-unit in frustration. "What?!" he yelled.
    At first there was static. Then a voice. "Be prepared for death to stalk you."
    Worf slapped his forehead. "Tarantulas: I am tired. Call me again and you will find yourself shipped into the nearest black hole---again."
    The other end squawked briefly. "Daahh, you just try Klingon, you just try!!" Worf heard the characteristic laugh at the other end before he shut the com-link.

    Tarantulas shut off the intercom and made a noise similar to laughing and growling at the same time. "One day...." he muttered. He had been stalking several of the members of the crew for some time now, and he felt that this was an enjoyable hobby. He yawned loudly and groaned. "Time for nighty-night!" he cackled. "Beast mode." he signaled and he transformed into a tarantula.
    After slurping down a rat with his milk and cookies, he shut down most of his equipment and went to bed. After a good fifteen minutes of sleep, the intercom beeped. He growled and flicked the switch to turn it off. Instantly, he was hurled out by the bed itself and he crashed against the wall. "Drat! Mixed up the intercom and my special security system again!" he paused. "Oh well. Now I'm awake."
    He let the person on the other line wait a few minutes as he slurped down a rat with some chocolate cake and green Cool-aid. Then he picked it up. "What?'
    At first there was static. Then a voice. "Tarantulas.....The inferno has made a home for you. You shall become a resident there tomorrow afternoon. And you shall be killed by means of the most horrid--"
    "Yes, yes." Tarantulas interrupted. "Whatever. I'm evil too. Now shut up and tell me all about it DURING the afternoon."
    "But..." the voice started.
    "Later!!" Tarantulas shouted.
    "Very well." the voice agreed. "But when I do--"
    "Good night!!" Tarantulas grinned as he hung up. As he headed to bed, he stopped and had another slice of rat. "Mmmmm..." he sighed.

    Dino-Bot hunched over the broken body of an extra in his beast mode. He growled softly and looked up at Worf. "This murder has taken place recently. The blood has not run cold."
    Worf caught a glint in his eyes. "That means...the murderer must still be in the vicinity!"
    Dino-Bot caught the glint in his eyes too. "Yes...! I believe you are right. HAL!" he turned to address HAL's eye. "Where is the murderer?"
    HAL's voice was calm. "The murderer is twelve feet to your left, on this same deck. Was I of any help to you?"
    Worf's saliva ran down his chin. "Yes!!" Worf drew his bat'leth and roared.
    Dino-Bot repeated Worf's statement and transformed into his robot mode, with weapons drawn. He roared as well.
    They turned around together and ran ten feet to their left. As they hit the ten foot mark, they stopped dead in their tracks, and their weapons fell to the ground. They gasped at the sight.
    They saw an eight-foot tall humanoid with a skull as a head and fire in the eyes...literally. He drooled red, hot, pulsating magma. He had three-foot long hands with six-inch claws that radiated electricity. He had black clothes and a large black cloak that seemed to flutter in non-existent wind. He was also surrounded by a pulsating black aura. His voice echoed as if in a amphitheater and filled with the burning hatred of millions of individuals burning in their own evil souls. And he had no hat.
    "Dino-Bot and Worf. Your souls shall feed my life energy and will be vanquished in the pits of despair and pain. There is no resistance that matches my evil. Torture shall seem a gift after you have suffered by my hand. For I am...THE UNSPEAKABLE ONE." he rumbled.
    Dino-Bot and Worf glanced at each other, picked up their weapons, shrugged, and roared. They charged at The Unspeakable One with weapons raised. The Unspeakable One raised his hand and electricity shot from it into Worf and Dino-Bot's bodies. They collapsed instantly with electricity flowing through their shuddering bodies.
    The Unspeakable One came to finish them off when a transporter beam carried them away. The Unspeakable One grinned because he knew, in the end, his will would come to pass...

    Starbuck finished his cigar, threw it down the corridor and lit another one. "Okay, there's no girls, but at least I have my cigars." he sighed. He brushed imaginary lint off his brown uniform and continued down the corridor. He soon spotted a familiar person coming towards him and he frowned. "So much for the good day..." he muttered.
    "Starbuck!!!" Retro 70's Actor Man yelled as he approached, obviously enraged.
    "What's the matter now, dagget-breath?" Starbuck questioned.
    "I came across two, not one, but TWO loose-fitting screws on my walk. You aren't doing your job!!! And further more, the floor is muddy!!" Retro 70's Actor Man yelled.
    Starbuck bit his cigar. "First off all, I don't really care if you found loose-fitting screws. And second off all, there is no mud on the ground. Where would the mud come from?!" Starbuck snorted.
    Retro 70's Actor Man growled. "The floor is brown with mud!!!!"
    Starbuck looked at the clean ground. "Look Sparky, I don't clean floors. And that's not mud; brown's the normal color of the floor."
    Retro 70's Actor Man was about to object further, when a large shadow passed over him. Starbuck's cigar fell out of his mouth and he backed away slowly. A large, deformed finger pointed at him, and he fell unconscious.
    Retro 70's Actor Man looked up and saw The Unspeakable One. "Retro 70's Actor Man, your pulsing life will be fed into my evil. Prepare for imminent doom."
    Retro 70's Actor Man gulped, then straightened his face. "My doom? How dare you insult my evil!!"
    The Unspeakable One fixed Retro 70's Actor Man with a steel glare. "Death awaits, my delicious pawn."
    Retro 70's Actor Man fainted dead away. The Unspeakable One was about to take his life, when he smelled a foul odor emitting from Retro 70's Actor Man's pants. "Cowards give me indigestion. But I shall have you after I have a brave individual to satisfy my never- ending hunger for life fluid." And he was gone.

    Londo and the holographic doctor finished scanning Dino-Bot and Worf. "At least we managed to teleport them away in time." the doctor noted. "I had difficulty bringing them back to life. What is this thing?"
    "I am The Unspeakable One. And you are a meddler." The Unspeakable One stated, seemingly appearing out no where. He pointed at the doctor, and the mobile emitter sparked and shut down. The doctor vanished.
    "What do you want?" Londo quivered.
    "I feed on your souls...for fun. Your's shall be a tasty morsel and the pain shall radiate into all near you. Death invites." Electricity formed a sphere in The Unspeakable One's giant hand and he prepared to throw...
    An extra walked in. "Hey doc, my elbow hurts..."
    The Unspeakable One hurled the ball, which collided with the extra. The extra died a horrid and painful death full of blood and screaming. Londo jumped out of the room. "Security to Sickbay!" he yelled to HAL.
    "Hut, hut, hut, hut..." 35 security men ran into Sickbay armed with very large guns. Before the doors closed, there was a large flash of light and several screams. A few guns rolled out of the door as it closed.
    Londo backed against the wall. "What am I going to do...?"
    "I don't know, but we'll think of something!" a familiar voice said.
    Londo turned around and faced the renegade Time Lord, the Doctor in his seventh incarnation. "I thought you left Doctor."
    "No, I've been around. Now listen, there must be a way to stop this incarnation of evil! Wait!" he paused and began rifling through his pockets. "I may have something..." He pulled out a teddy bear. "That's not it..." Out came some Jelly Babies.     "Oh, want some?" he asked as he popped some in his mouth. Londo accepted some of the delicious candies. The Doctor finally brought out a thermal detonator. "I borrowed it from Chewbacca; please don't tell." He activated it, opened the doors, and threw it inside.
    Londo copied the Doctor and put his fingers inside his ears. Within seconds, there was a large explosion and the sound of air rushing into space through the doors.

    Dino-Bot groaned and opened his eyes. "What happened?" he demanded.
    Londo walked over. "The Doctor appeared out of no where, threw a thermal detonator into Sickbay and sent The Unspeakable One hurling through space."
    "Good....Weren't Worf and I in here at the time??" Dino-Bot asked.
    "Well...yes....So was the doctor's mobile emitter. It took a bit of recovery to get you back before Worf died." the Doctor admitted. "But it worked."
    Londo nodded. "He knows everything."
    The Doctor leaned against his umbrella. "I know enough."
    "So The Unspeakable One didn't die." Worf sat up.
    "No." admitted the Doctor.
    "And now he has a stronger feeling of revenge against us."
    "Well, yes."
    "And many extras died?"
    Before the Doctor replied, Tarantulas walked in. "Sorry, slept in. Did I miss anything?"

The End

Oh, The Unspeakable One will return. Return next time to the fun in "Reruns of Mixed-Up Space" in Leospace5.

Back to Leopard's Domain!