Leospace6!

Mixed-Up Space For Dummies Not quite a reference guide for the rest of us, but insight on how we should live our daily lives according to the crew onboard the Babylon Dwarf. You might not want to take this too seriously.

Chapter 1: How to Effectively Win An Arguement

Step One: Always approach the opposite party in a non-threatening manner.
    "Dino-Bot!!!" Tarantulas screamed as he leveled his gun. "You're dead now Maximal!"
    "What is it, you imbecile?!" Dino-Bot screeched back, raising his sword. "Are you finally ready to test my meddle and end up in the scrap heap?!?" he growled.
Step Two: Clearly state your opinion in the matter.
    Tarantulas waved his missile in Dino-Bot's face. "You--you--slagging piece of--why I ought to---and then you---gaahh!!! Die!!!!"
    Dino-Bot picked Tarantulas up by the throat. "You are clearly an idiot with no brains and you should have your head removed for examination!"
Step Three: Take criticism in stride, and never let the arguement escalate out of control.
    "What?!?!?" Tarantulas screamed. "You are the offender this time, Dino-Quack!!" Acting quickly, Tarantulas swept Dino-Bot's feet from under him and stepped on his head. "You have gotten in my way for the last time!!"
Step Four: Understand what the opposite party is trying to say.
    "What are you trying to say?" Dino-Bot growled.
Step Five: Get to the point; don't avoid the underlying issue.
    Tarantulas shook his fists. "You're stupid, that's what!! How could you do this??"
    Dino-Bot threw Tarantulas off of him. "What are you talking about??"
    "You know what I'm talking about, and you are just a dumb dino!" Tarantulas cursed.
    "I don't know what you're talking about!! I think the only idiot around here is you. Fish is brain food, rat must be food for your sweat glands! That explains your stench."
Step Six: Don't lose your temper.
    Tarantulas wasted no time in firing off his weapons at Dino-Bot's head. Dino-Bot ducked in time, but lost his sword in the process. Tarantulas leaped onto him, and fired his leg bolts at point blank range. "YOU ARE DEAD MEAT NOW!!!!!!!"
    Dino-Bot fired his eye-lasers at Tarantulas' leg, sending it flying. Tarantulas gazed at his leg in horror, and Dino-Bot used the opportunity to punch him down the hall. Dino-Bot picked up his sword and charged Tarantulas, roaring.
Step Seven: If the arguement is severe, agree to disagree.
    Dino-Bot pressed his sword against Tarantulas' neck. "Now you will tell me your problem, and then you will agree that I am right in whatever it is!"
Step Eight: Never lose focus.
    "You know, I'm actually pretty hungry. Why don't we talk about it later?" Tarantulas asked, laughing nervously.
    Dino-Bot snickered. "How about now?" He pressed his sword harder onto Tarantulas.
Step Nine: Say what you want to say as long as it isn't an attack against the other party.
    "You ate my rats you stupid, idiotic, demented dinosaur!! You have less brains than your own beast mode!! How dare you invade my Lair, you moron!!" Tarantulas spat.
Step Ten: Respect the other person's opinion.
    Dino-Bot dropped him. "I didn't eat your filthy and revolting rats! You are obviously stupid to think that I would go anywhere near those vermin!"
    "Gaahh...of course you ate them!! Who else would?!?" Tarantulas spat back.
Step Eleven: Whenever possible, offer a helpful solution.
    "They probably got away on their own!! Anything to escape being ingested by a maniac like you!!!" Dino-Bot roared. "Haven't you even begun to look for them??? They're probably scurrying around on you floor!!"
    "Oh, I never thought of that." Tarantulas admitted. "I'll go do that."
Step Twelve: Tell the truth. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
    "Fine spider. Go have fun with your Lair. I'm sure it will be an enlightening experience." Dino-Bot snorted.
    Tarantulas picked up his leg and turned back to him. "Oh, and Dino-Bot, I really enjoyed this conversation and am glad for your help. I'll deliver a free cappucino machine to your quarters." he promised.
    As soon as Tarantulas was gone, Dino-Bot transformed to Beast Mode and licked his lips. "Ooo....cappucino!" he grinned. He ran down to his quarters after waiting 15 minutes.
Step Thirteen: Don't let resentment build after the arguement.
    Dino-Bot walked into his quarters and saw the brand new cappucino machine waiting for him on the counter. He walked over to it and pushed the ‘Express Mocha' button.
    An explosion ripped through the deck from Dino-Bot's quarters. The End

Chapter 2: Problems with Women

Helpful Hint: A woman is an interesting creature. One must remember to be kind, charming, considerate, and understanding in her presence. Be persistant, but don't push, or she will run from you, and you will stay the same lonely, saddening, and pathetic individual you are trying to convince the woman you aren't.
    Starbuck and Twiki walked down the corridor, and Twiki looked up at him. "So, what are you going to do, now that you are off?"
    Starbuck lit his cigar. "Oh, I don't know. I was thinking of joining Worf, Dino-Bot, and the giant cougar for canasta, but I was beaten pretty badly last week."
    "Where has the cougar been?" Twiki asked.
    "Geez, I don't know. Bumming around I suppose." Starbuck straightened his belt. "Anyway, I was thinking of going to my quarters and getting some shut eye."
    Twiki and Starbuck soon parted, and Starbuck did not go to his quarters. He went to the recreational deck. Once there, he slipped into his swimsuit and made his way into the sauna. Looking around, he noticed no one but Chewbacca in the cramped little room.
    Chewbacca saw him come in, and tried to hide his face. Starbuck sighed. "You're in here again?! The last time you were here, you left the place completely covered in hair, and this time you better clean it up!!!" he yelled, wagging his finger.
    Chewbacca snarled, and grabbed Starbuck by the throat. Starbuck barely managed to choke out ".....If....you...want....Please...?" Chewbacca released Starbuck. Starbuck took the opportunity to beat a hasty retreat.
Starbuck went into the weight room, and saw an athletic brunette lifting arm weights. Starbuck sauntered up. "Hi, I'm Starbuck."
    The brunette looked up at him. "Hi. Name's Janet."
    Starbuck licked his teeth. "Come here often?"
    Janet nodded. "Every day. It keeps my other personality under control."
    Starbuck had to replay the sentence in his mind. "Other personality?"
    "Yeah." she nodded. "Jean-Claude. He gets pretty pushy, so I work out to keep him under my hat." she smiled.
    Starbuck raised his eyebrows. "Well, hey if Jean-Claude doesn't mind, how'd you like to go to dinner with me?" he raised his most charming smile.
    Janet smiled...and then suddenly growled. "You weakling!" she shouted in a Swedish accent. "We don't associate with the likes of you!" She swung the weights at his head.
    Starbuck never saw the 30 pound weights coming. He awoke on the floor an hour later with a note from Janet apologizing that without Jean-Claude's consent, dating him would be a no. Starbuck groaned and made his way to the hot tub.
    A blond in a tight bikini was lounging in there. Starbuck wasted no time in sitting down beside her. "Hi there. I'm Starbuck, a fighter pilot."
    The blond looked up at him. "Daah...my mommy don't want me to talk to stwangews!"
    "Oh..." Starbuck frowned. "Why don't we get to know one another, then we won't be strangers!"
    The blond stood up. "I hate you bad man! You awe nothing but twouble!" She left.
    Starbuck got up and dove into the nearby pool. He swam around, bathing his aching head, and waited for the ladies to arrive. Several ladies did, 20 minutes later, down at the other end of the pool. They were wearing tight bathing suits and splashing each other.
    Starbuck drooled slightly, and began to swim their way. He got five feet before someone grabbed him from under the water and pulled him down. "No...!!" he garbled. He splashed back to the surface and looked at his opponents.
    It was Janice and her friends. "Oh no!" Starbuck turned back around and tried to swim away as fast as possible.
    Janice growled. "Look, it's that pervert Starbuck! Let's get him!" Her friends cheered and took off towards Starbuck. Starbuck would have made it, but his throbing head prevented him from swimming fast enough. The girls' hands closed in and grabbed him.
    After repeated dunkings for 15 minutes, Starbuck made it to the edge of the pool, and climbed out. He watched the girls scramble out after him, so he ran down the side of the pool, grabbed his clothes, and ran into the changeroom.
    Retro 70's Actor Man was in there, striking a dramatic pose in his naked form. He noticed Starbuck gawked at him in horror. "What?" Retro 70's Actor Man snapped. "Londo told me that people are supposed to be naked in here! So I am demonstrating my work-of-art body for all to behold!!"
    Starbuck ran out of the changeroom and skidded out of the deck and into the lift. "Dance Deck!" he ordered. He quickly changed into his uniform and stepped out of the lift into the Dance Deck. Music and lights were flashing in the large auditorium, and many people were socializing.
    An usher came over to him, and asked him if he needed help finding anyone. "No no." Starbuck shook his head. He spotted some young ladies over by the punchbowl, handed the usher his wet swim trunks, and walked over to them.
    "Hi ladies!" Starbuck flashed them a grin.
    They all scowled and splashed the cups of punch on his face. They walked over to another punchbowl, filled their cups, came back over to Starbuck and splashed his face again. Starbuck looked up to see a large banner that read "Anti-Male Social Meeting".
    Starbuck left the deck quickly, and went down to Deck 12, to enter the Mega-Tron Torture Bar. As usual, there were no women around. He walked over to the empty holo-stage and made his way to the controls. "Give me the dancing women program." he ordered.
    "Can not comply." the computer stated.
    "Okay, give me the Sailor Mars program." Starbuck sighed.
    "Can not comply." the computer stated.
    "Well, give me the beachball party program!" Starbuck snapped.
    "Can not comply." the computer stated.
    Starbuck walked over to the control console, and opened it up. The console showered him in electricty and he yelled in pain and frustration.
    Starbuck went to bed. The End

Chapter 3: How to be a Likeable Person

Example 1) Interesting Conversations
    Retro 70's Actor Man walked briskly and angrily towards Londo, who was chatting with Worf. "Londo!!" he screamed. Londo looked up at him, and Worf took the opportunity to make a fast exit. "Londo! I have a complaint!"
    Londo put on a brave face and tried to smooth out the wrinkles on his hands. "Uh, what is it now?" he asked politely.
    Retro 70's Actor Man growled dangerously. "When I was going to the bathroom this morning," Londo's face turned green. "I noticed this horrible smell!"
    Londo breathed heavily and clutched his stomach. "Uh huh." he managed.
    "Don't you want to know what it smelled like??" Retro 70's Actor Man asked.
    Londo shook his head. "No."
    "It smelled like pine! Pine cleaner!! Who uses pine cleaner in a bathroom??" Retro 70's Actor Man sniveled.
    "What do you want it to smell like?" Londo asked, and regretted it instantly.
    Retro 70's Actor Man flicked out his knife, which slipped out of his hand and fell to the deck. "I think it should smell like....cream cheese."
    Londo left the corridor, fast.

Example 2) Socializing
    Balloons shot up into the air, and the crew cheered as they swigged their drinks. Dino-Bot laughed merrily. "What a grand party! I knew the Mega-Tron Torture Bar would be the perfect setting!" He downed his oil coffee with a dash of WD40, a bit of Mr. Lube, and a sprinkle of battery fluid, and then went for some more.
    Retro 70's Actor Man entered the gathering wearing his best party clothes, which is to say the clothes he wears all the time. The white tights, the belt with sparkles on it, the black shoulder stripe, and the holster for his knife. He looked around for someone to talk to.
    Starbuck was socializing in one corner of the room with several women. The conversation was short, and ended with them all slapping him. Retro 70's Actor Man shrugged and made his way to the DJ, Kryten.
    Kryten was going through his discs when Retro 70's Actor Man approached. He looked up quickly. "Ah sir, what can I do for you?"
    Retro 70's Actor Man struck his best John Travolta pose. "Where's the disco???"
    Kryten gave him a strange look. "I'm playing disco right now sir."
    Retro 70's Actor Man listened around him, and sure enough, heard the tunes of the BeeGees. "Well...you better keep it up!" he snarled.
    Kryten shrugged. "Whatever you say sir."
    Retro 70's Actor Man walked over to Worf, who was sipping his prune juice. Worf saw him coming and sighed. "What?" he snapped.
    "How's your homies, you cool slick?" Retro 70's Actor Man made some rapper moves.
    "What are you talking about?" Worf grumbled.
    "I do not know. I'm being cool." Retro 70's Actor Man grinned, and suddenly heard the sounds of MC Hammer filtering through the speakers. "That's not disco..." he murmured. "Now this is cool." he said, trying to impress Worf. Suddenly, Retro 70's Actor Man screamed a war cry and ran towards Kryten and the sound system.
    Kryten looked up in time to see Retro 70's Actor Man fling himself into the soundboard, still screaming, and barrel everything over. Sparks flew as he completely devastated the sound system, and sent Kryten spiralling to the ground.
    Worf was not impressed.

Example 3) Helping Others
    Data took control of the bridge, given that everyone else was off. After an hour of regular maintenance, Chewbacca walked in and roared a hello.
    Data turned to him. "The Governor coughed up a hairball behind the controls. I have not had the opportunity to clean it. Would you mind?" he asked.
    Chewbacca didn't mind at all. No sooner had he cleaned up the hairball, when Retro 70's Actor Man walked onto the bridge. "Report!" he ordered.
    Data cocked an eyebrow. "You are not in command, thus you do not take reports."
    Retro 70's Actor Man snorted. "Silence and serve me!"
    Data looked at Chewbacca, then back again. "You are disturbing our work. Will you please leave the bridge?"
    Retro 70's Actor Man flicked out his knife, but didn't have a good enough grip and sent it tossing. The knife thudded into Chewbacca's leg. "Wraaaaaaa!!!!" Chewie screamed.
    Data got up. "I will help you to Sickbay."
    Retro 70's Actor Man held up his hand. "Negative! Go to your post. Leave him to die. The mission is too important to let a fatal gorilla injury stop us." Retro 70's Actor Man thought for a bit, then turned to Chewbacca and pulled the knife out of his leg.
    "Wuuuuuraaaaaaaaa!!!!!" Chewie screamed.
    "It's my knife!" Retro 70's Actor Man snapped.
    Data got up and helped Chewie to Sickbay via the lift. Retro 70's Actor Man saw all the blinking lights on the control panel and pushed a few buttons. A few seconds later, his comsignal beeped. It was Data. "Would you please not push any more buttons? You stopped the lift."
    "I will let you proceed once Chewbacca the monkey apologizes." Retro 70's Actor Man smirked.
    "For what?" Data asked.
    "Stealing my knife! And the apology has to be in English!" Retro 70's Actor Man demanded. He was disdained to hear the lift starting again. "Hey!"
    Dino-Bot rested a hand on his shoulder. "Perhaps you should leave."
    Retro 70's Actor Man shrunk a little in his seat and squeaked out "Okay."

The End

Chapter 5: Anxiety and Excessive Stress
or
The Search for Chapter 4

    Dino-Bot smiled in triumph as the Borg vessel was obliterated. He transformed to Beast Mode and brought out some meat to eat in celebration. "We were all spectacular! No casualties, and the kill was swift."
    Starbuck smoked a cigar. "I have to agree. We whipped their cybernetic butts!"
    Worf nodded. "Yes."
    Londo sighed and sat back in his chair. "I'm glad it's over. Now I can read my book."
    Dino-Bot turned his head towards him. "Is it ‘The Life and Times of General Patton'?"
    Londo shook his head. "No, it's ‘Great Expectations'."
    "A shame. You should study up on your military history." Dino-Bot stated.
    Londo read for about five minutes, when he sat up, distraught. "Chapter four is missing! But what about Pip?? I can't go straight to chapter five!"
    Scotty walked up to Londo from the lift. "Londo, may I have a word?"
    Londo agreed and the two stepped aside. "We are getting some new passangers soon, and one of them is the most beautiful woman in the galaxy." Scotty explained. "I was asked to escort her around, but, um, I....will be working. Can you?"
    Londo thought for a minute. "Well I guess--"
    Scotty shook his hand. "Thanks a lot and bye!" He ran back to the lift and the doors closed behind him.
    Londo tapped his chin. "The most beautiful woman in the galaxy...? That doesn't sound like too hard of a job."

Londo's first problem: Londo doesn't seem to recognize the magnitude of what he has been asked to do. Perhaps this is Scotty's fault for not telling him all that the job entitles.

    Londo tossed and turned in bed. He couldn't sleep because something in his conversation with Scotty was bugging him. What was he supposed to do? Just escort the woman around or what?
    He was more than a little surprised when his door chimed. Londo got up, put on his bathrobe and opened the door. Tarantulas stood there. "Yes...?" Londo asked, ready for anything.
    Tarantulas pushed his way in. "I was wondering if you've been kept awake by something."
    Londo raised an eyebrow. "As a matter of fact, yes, but how did you---?"
    "I knew it!!!" Tarantulas yelled. "How many?"
    "How many what?" Londo asked back.
    "How many rats have been keeping you awake???" Tarantulas asked, desperate.
    "Rats?!? None! I was thinking hard, that's all."
    Tarantulas fell to his knees. "No!!!!!!" He sobbed gently, and got up suddenly. "Very well. I'll find them yet." he snickered. He left Londo's quarters in a rush.
     Londo shrugged and went back to bed. But he still couldn't get to sleep. Not only did he have a lot on his mind, but his pillow had this lump in it, and seemed all coarse and...hairy??
    Londo's eyes shot open and he realized he was in bed with three rats. He screamed loudly, and so did the rats.
    Tarantulas knocked the doors down and launched himself at the rats. The rats tried to get away, but it was all in vain. "Ha!" Tarantulas laughed. "Got you!" He put the rats into a cage and walked joyfully out of Londo's quarters.
    Londo cleaned his sheets and went to bed. "The most beautiful woman..." he muttered. What if she didn't like him? What if she hated him? What if she called him DingDong??? Londo tossed with these thoughts, and felt as if an enormous weight was crushing his chest. He chewed his nails, and more invasive thoughts made themselves known.
    What if she tries to eat him? What if she talks down to him? What if she likes men with beards only???

Londo's second problem: Too many ‘what if's. He's worrying about something silly, when he should be worried about whether or not she likes Chinese.

    Londo strolled down the corridor wringing his hands. Finally, HAL paged. "Londo, Princess Blah, the most beautiful woman in the galaxy is waiting for you in Docking Bay 1."
    Londo walked down to Docking Bay 1 and out walked the most beautiful woman in the galaxy. Londo could not believe how beautiful she was. She looked like....well...she was beautiful.
    Londo held out his arm and Princess Blah took it. "So, tell me, what brings you to our ship?" Londo asked.
    Princess Blah was about to answer, when a dozen Drunken Pirates appeared out of nowhere and launched a viscous assault on the two. Londo put Princess Blah behind him as he waited for the attack.
    The lead Drunked Pirate raised his sword, uttered cries about land-lubbers, and led the attack. Londo hit a button beside him on the wall, and a laser weapon plopped into his hands. The Drunken Pirates' swords were no match for the blasting laser. Within seconds, they were retreating.
    Londo put the gun back, and explained. "This sort of thing happens on a regular basis. We have prepared for when it happens."
    Princess Blah nodded.
    Londo reached into his pockets. "Um, ah, uh, er, well, gah, ar, muh, oh..."

Londo's Third Problem: He should get a grip.

    Londo took his hands out of his pockets. "Do you like Chinese?" he wondered.
    Princess Blah nodded.
    Londo was still struck by her beauty, and when she smiled, Londo was hit by a ton of bricks...literally.
    He awoke in Sickbay three hours later. "What...happened?" he groaned.
    The doctor went to him. "One of the dozen Drunken Pirates catapulted a ton of bricks at you. You are a very lucky broom-headed man."
    Princess Blah strolled up. "Are you okay?" she asked in her beautiful voice.
    Londo was struck by her beautiful voice, but his brain couldn't cope and he lapsed into unconsciousness.
    When he awoke, Princess Blah was still standing over him. Londo leaped to his feet and took her by the arm. "Where would you like to go?" he asked her.
    She thought for a while and then responded. "Your quarters."
    Londo's head began to swim.

Londo's Fourth Problem: Londo assumed too much. She possibly just wanted to see what the quarters looked like, or to go to a relaxing environment.

    The two entered Londo's quarters, Londo with a charming smile on his face. He ushered her in and went to the food slot. "Want a drink or anything?" he offered, the old smoothie.
    "Some grape juice would be nice." Princess Blah responded.
    Londo turned to the slot. "French bourbon." The slot delivered the hard liquor, and only then did Londo remember what she said. "Sorry." he apologized. He turned back to the slot. "Grape juice." The slot delivered the juice.
    Princess Blah sipped at the grape juice and raised an eyebrow. "Very nice."
    Londo turned on some music to soothe the atmosphere. He loaded the disc tray with some Chopin, Berlioz, and Telemann. He then opened up his blinds to expose a beautiful full moon in the distance. Soon, Berlioz's ‘Symphonie Fantastique' filled the air and Londo turned to his ravishing guest.
    His ravishing guest was now a Werewolf. An angry Werewolf. Probably very hungry too. And large. And baring down on him.

Londo's Fifth Problem: When your guest has turned into a hungry and angry Werewolf, don't gawk at it. Run. Run fast. You probably won't make it anyways, but it's better than doing nothing.

    The Werewolf howled loudly and Londo finally turned to run. The Werewolf grabbed him by his neck and hoisted him up. Londo felt scared, and a knot tied in his stomach.
    That's when his Magic Bag fell out his pocket. Seeing Londo in danger, the Magic Bag mutated into the Infamous Magic Bag Monster! The Magic Bag Monster attacked the Werewolf, who was no match for it. Londo ran to the blinds and shut them, saving the Werewolf from a severe beating by the jelly sack. The Werewolf turned back into Princess Blah and the Magic Bag Monster turned back into an ordinary Magic Bag.
    Londo breathed a sigh of relief, and Princess Blah shook her head. "Sorry."
    After a nice dinner, Princess Blah left the ship and Londo didn't know why. But since there was nothing he could do about it, he just decided that maybe that was for the best. He opened his ‘Great Expectations', and noticed with disdain, Chapter four was missing.

The End

A good reference guide knows what to do for any situation, regardless of whether your date turns into a malicious Lycanthrope. Join us again for "Adventures in Mixed-Up Space".