Leospace7!

Dangerous Mixed-Up Space As any ship captain will tell you, "there are many perils on the high seas, ARRRRR!!!!" But since the Babylon Dwarf has no captain, no one knows this. Will they learn of the perils of deep space voyages when they travel through...

Sector Z

    The Babylon Dwarf shot through space and entered Sector Z, a region of space which was infamous for calamity and being just all around dangerous. It was large and gaseous, a nebula to be precise. It was extremely large and electricity cackled throughout the cloud. As the ship entered the purple and blue cloud, the sensors and HAL immediately powered down.
    Tarantulas shut down his equipment ahead of time, of course. He knew about the cloud and he wouldn't risk damage to his precious equipment. He then left The Lair to go to the staff meeting.
    Dino-Bot opened the meeting. "Why are we even in this cursed cloud??"
    Everyone turned to the Governor. He stopped licking his paw. "I saw it on the scanners, thought it was pretty, and went in for a closer look."
    "Why did you not tell us?" Worf rumbled.
    "I forgot." the Governor replied.
    Suddenly, both Dino-Bot and Tarantulas began to get energon damage! "What---is happening??" Dino-Bot shuddered as electricity shot across his Robot form.
Data explained. "Sector Z has a high concentration of energon radiation from crystals floating on asteroids in the cloud. The Flubflubglub plasma of the cloud amplifies the radiation. You shall have to remain in Beast mode through the trek."
    "Beast mode." Dino-Bot activated his transformation sequence. He was now a brown Velociraptor, and he tapped his fingers on his chin.
    "Beast mode." Tarantulas transformed. He was now a giant purple tarantula.
    "What about the other robotic life forms on the ship. They do not have beast forms." Dino-Bot pointed out.
    "They all must be deactivated." Starbuck stated. Nothing could be said against it.
    So it came to pass that to prevent damage from exposure to the energon radiation, all robotic life forms were shut down and placed somewhere safe, excluding Tarantulas and Dino-Bot who were safe in their beast forms.
    Dino-Bot glanced over the read-outs. "We shall pass through the cloud in two days. I shall entertain myself by playing Star Fox 64 for a few hours."
    Dino-Bot left and Tarantulas cursed. In his Beast form, he couldn't really hold a Nintendo controller. Maybe if he played with his mouth . . .
    So he went down to Deck 23, The Lair, to check up on how many more of his rodents he could recapture. After exiting the lift, a wonderful idea popped into his head.

    "No." said Worf.
    "Come on!" Tarantulas pleaded.
    "Well...no." Worf grumbled.
    "It'll work!!" Tarantulas whined.
    "Will it?" Worf thought a moment. "No."
    Tarantulas waved the Joymaster 2000 in the air with two of his spider legs. "Based on the data I've collected, my assumption is that the Flubflubglub Plasma will act as the perfect reactor coil coating radiators with the correct copper/iron/uranium proportions based upon the Newtonian laws of mass and gas weight, and the Hawking theorem of electricity combining with energy distribution!!"
    Worf tried to understand what Tarantulas just said, and failed.
    Tarantulas tried to understand what he just said, and failed. He made it up because it sounded impressive. Really, all he wanted to do was to see what would happen if he used the plasma instead of his Energizer batteries.
     "Well that doesn't matter. My ‘calculations' state that whenever that joystick is activated, trouble follows." Worf snorted.
    Tarantulas turned slowly away, sulking. Suddenly he leaped up and sank his fangs into Worf's neck. Worf yelled in surprise, struggled for a second, then dropped to the ground like a sack of bricks.
    Tarantulas collected a sample of the gas and put the vial into the battery slots. He then threw the switch. The room darkened and an explosion rippled through the air.

    Dino-Bot felt the deck shake in his quarters. He smacked his head and ran up to the lift. "Bridge." he barked. As the doors opened to the bridge, a purple gas crept into the lift.
    Dino-Bot crept in and noticed the dark. "What in the inferno is this??" he growled. He crossed over to Tarantulas' shriveled form and checked his vitals. "Bah, still alive."
    As Dino-Bot looked up, he saw the Science Station had activated itself and text was slowly typing itself on the screen. Dino-Bot walked over and tripped on the Joymaster 2000, connected to the Science Station. Dino-Bot's eyes shot up. "The joystick!!" he growled. He ripped the cord out of the Science Station socket and tossed the Joymaster 2000 over his shoulder.
    Dino-Bot stood up and looked at the Science Station screen:

Oh mighty God, stop the wrath of your mighty flatulence
Found way to talk to the God land
Want to talk about life
Do not forget to write
The Shoy--Mahsdor Toos Oundsen

Dino-Bot snorted at life, the universe, and everything. "The joystick's . . . alive?"

The End

Back Track

    The Babylon Dwarf continued it's voyage through Sector Z, and onboard everyone was stirred up with the possibility that the Joymaster 2000 could be alive. Tarantulas in his Beast mode was seated rather uncomfortably at the staff table. "Gahhh, spiders don't sit!" he whined.
    "Shut up!" Dino-Bot snapped. "And explain how this could have happened."
    "I don't know!" Tarantulas countered.
    "Haven't you scanned it or something?" Starbuck asked.
    "Who invited him??" Tarantulas demanded to know.
    "Hey!! I have every right to be here! Same as you." Starbuck growled.
    "Enough of this. Londo, get a submicronic scanner. Tarantulas, plug that infernal machine back into the Science Station and try to make contact." Dino-Bot ordered.
    "Bite me." Tarantulas grunted. He then slipped out of the chair and crashed to the floor. "Blasted humanoid chairs. Fine, I'll do it." he snorted.
    As Londo left to get the scanner, Tarantulas picked up the Joymaster 2000 and plugged it in. Immediately, the screen flickered and caught on. Tarantulas typed on the keyboard. Greetings.
God?
Yes, I am God. And I shall destroy you!     "Tarantulas!!" Dino-Bot snarled.
    "All right, all right." Tarantulas gave in. No I won't. I changed my mind.
What have we done?     " 'We'? Great, it has multiple personalities." Tarantulas snorted. Nothing, nothing. I was testing you. Speaking of which, why don't you work?
We do work, all day and all night if it pleases you.
You don't though. You never do what I want you to. You're a bad joystick. Fun to play with, but bad.
What is a joystick?
You are.
No, we are not. We are little people living on your joystick.     Tarantulas snorted. "Great. Just perfect. I have little people living on my machine!" We can prove it to you.     "What are they talking about?" Dino-Bot asked cautiously.
     "I don't know..." Tarantulas mumbled.
    Suddenly the Joymaster 2000 rose in the air and shot out waves of energy, which grew until it blanketed the whole ship. It then shrank and retracted back into the joystick.
    Tarantulas looked up...and up...and up. "Gaahh!!! What happened??" he shrieked. He was now the size of an ordinary tarantula.
    Dino-Bot looked himself over and frowned. "I appear to be fine." he grunted. Suddenly, his eyes shook violently. They turned into a light green and glowed slightly, as did Tarantulas'.
    Londo walked in with the scanner. "I got the..." His voice trailed off as he saw Dino-Bot advancing with a hunting stance. "What are you doing??"
    Starbuck gulped as Tarantulas began climbing his arm. "I think...we're in trouble."
    Londo scanned the Joymaster 2000, then Dino-Bot, then himself. "It appears that life forms living on the joystick have activated it and are causing Dino-Bot and Tarantulas to act like their Beast forms. Not only that, but we are losing age."
    Starbuck was already a teenager. "What, until we don't exist??"
    "No." said Londo, already 12. "Until we are all about 5."
    Starbuck started crying for his mommy. Dino-Bot, startled by the noise, leaped out of the room and charged down the hall. Starbuck's movements jolted Tarantulas off of his arm, and he scurried off into a ventilation duct.
    "At leatht we keep ouw intelligenth." Londo said, startled by his newfound lisp.
    "This isn't fair!!!" Starbuck pouted.
    "We have to find the othews! Quick, let'th go to Engineewing!" Londo started running to the lift, but tripped over his shoes, which were now too large for him.
Starbuck's sleeves slumped to the ground as the young Starbuck tried to take off his cumbersome clothing. "I'm mad!" he growled.
    Finally the two made it into the lift and progressed down into Engineering with the Joymaster 2000. As the lift doors opened, they were greeted by various crewmen running around, confused. Retro 70's Actor Man saw them approach and struck a dramatic pose. He was covered in cuts, and blood run freely down his child-like body. "Now how can I be evil?!?"
    "What happened to you?" Starbuck asked.
    "I was seeing if I still had my knife talent." Retro 70's Actor Man admitted.
    "But you don't have all youw motow thkillth!" Londo laughed.
    Scotty ran up to them and saw the Joymaster 2000. "What is that doing here?!?"
    "You know that thpawe computew bank that we have and nevew uthe? The one in the cawgo deck? I think we thould uthe it to put the little cweatuwes living on Tawantulath' joythtick in that computew bank tho that they won't bothew uth evew again!" Londo explained.
    "What?" Scotty asked, perplexed.
    "You know that thpawe computew bank that we have and nevew uthe? The one in the cawgo deck? I think we thould uthe it to put the little cweatuwes living on Tawantulath' joythtick in that computew bank tho that they won't bothew uth evew again!" Londo explained AGAIN.
    "What?" Scotty asked, still confused.
    "You know that thpawe computew--" Londo began.
    "We're going to use the spare computer bank." Starbuck interrupted, the little brat.
    "I thaid that!" Londo complained.
    Leaving Londo behind (because no one could understand him anyway), Scotty and Starbuck went down to the cargo deck. After a lengthy but quite boring and uneventful search, the two stumbled upon the spare computer bank. Scotty set the Joymaster 2000 down and set up an electronic bridge between the two. Soon, the scanners revealed that all the Shoy--Mahsdor Toos Oundsen people were off the joystick.
    And that's all that happened. "We're still kids!" Scotty exclaimed.
    "Aw man! Only Tarantulas would know how to solve this! He's crazy enough to know this thing inside and out." Starbuck whined.
    "Where are Tarantulas and Dino-Bot? Did they regress as well?" Scotty asked.
    That's when a snarling Dino-Bot jumped down from the roof and roared. His tongue waggled out of his mouth as he eagerly anticipated the kill.
    "This sucks!" Starbuck bellyached. The End??

Another Sick Plot of Tarantulas'

    As Dino-Bot closed in for the kill, Starbuck started crying. "I don't wanna die!!" he sniffled. Dino-Bot's Beast form had taken over, due to the effects of the Joymaster 2000 (as had Tarantulas), and the humanoid crew were regressed to the age of about 5. The rest of the robotic crew were shut down and in stasis due to the voyage through Sector Z, a large nebula filled with Flubflubglub plasma and excessive energon radiation.
    Scotty and Starbuck backed up slowly, and Scotty tripped over something behind his feet. "What the devil...?" he cried, then noticed that he had tripped over the Joymaster 2000. "Let's try this!"
    "You don't know how to work it!" Starbuck bemoaned.
    "Well if you'd rather just stand here and watch us both be eaten alive by Dino-Bot, then sure!!!! LET'S DO THAT!!!" Scotty yelled.
    Dino-Bot roared and charged the two in a fury of speed, teeth, and claws.
    "PUNCH IT!!!!!!!!" Starbuck screamed.
    Scotty hit the trigger button...and nothing happened!! "It didn't work! It didn't work!" Scotty started pushing all the buttons while Dino-Bot sped closer. Finally Scotty threw the joystick down in anguish. A crack was heard from within the joystick and an energy field erupted outwards, expanding until it covered the whole ship, then retracting back into the joystick.

Above the bridge, the ventilation duct suddenly and forcefully expanded to the shape of a giant spider and a "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!! That hurts!" was heard.

    A few hours later, Dino-Bot plodded along the service shafts with Londo. "This is absurd. We have been searching these shafts and ducts and crawl ways for two hours, with no sign of K whatsoever."
    "We really must talk to Janice." Londo growled. "Do you think that he may have been consumed by the rodents?"
    "The only one I would be concerned about consuming K is Tarantulas." Dino-Bot crawled onwards. Finally they reached the end of the shaft and walked out into the Mess Hall. "Why do we not wait until we leave Sector Z? Then we can activate HAL and do an internal scan."
    Londo sighed. "I suppose that's the only thing we can do." He looked around him. "Shouldn't there be people in here? It is lunch time."
    A poison dart thudded into Londo's and Dino-Bot's neck and they both thumped to the ground. A laugh was heard echoing through the walls.

    Londo awoke strapped down to a chair, surrounded by many other chairs, all full of the crew. A section of Tarantulas' Lair had been transformed into a game show studio, and he was in the audience. There was a large wheel on the stage with three differently colored podiums facing it. A large board with television screens was at one end.
    Tarantulas burst onto the scene. "Hey everyone! And welcome to..."
    An electronic cue card flared to life in front of the audience, but they didn't say anything. Tarantulas pressed a button on one of his legs, and the audience were all jolted by a shot of electricity. "SAY IT!!!!!" he yelled.
    The electronic cue card flared on again, and the audience read it out. "Wheel...of.. Rats!" they all cried.
    "That's right!" Tarantulas smiled, as best a giant tarantula could. "And here is my lovely, or rather not-so-lovely, co-host: K Black!"
    K walked out wearing a revealing dress...and a Mind-Controlling Head Band. "I thought I destroyed all of those!" Dino-Bot snarled.
    "Nope." Tarantulas snickered. "And our three contestants: Janice the bratty 14 year old, Quark the annoying bartender with bad breath, and the Governor who I once tried to kill!! Let's welcome them." No one clapped. They couldn't, their arms were restrained. "Well Janice, you're red, so you go first."
    Janice spun the wheel and it hit $400. "A." she said.
    Tarantulas stiffened. "Gah! You idiot, you have to buy vowels. You lose your turn."
    Quark span the wheel and it hit $2. "X." he stated.
    Tarantulas sputtered. "You dumb piece of slag!! It's never ‘X'! No one uses ‘X'!"
    The Governor span the wheel and it hit $400'000. "H."
    "Yes, there are six ‘H's." Tarantulas snickered. K moved and touched the screens where ‘H's appeared. There were only twelve letters, and ‘H' alternated throughout. The Governor laughed, and Tarantulas threw a two inch mouse at him. "That's your prize." Tarantulas chuckled.
    Janice spun the wheel. "A."
    Tarantulas growled. "YOU HAVE TO BUY VOWELS!!!!" A grin spread across his face. "But you're right. There are six ‘A's." K moved and touched the appropriate screens. "The answer is ‘Hahahahahaha'. Here's your prize." A two foot sewer rat landed on Janice's lap. She screamed and fainted. Tarantulas slapped her awake. "Since the Governor's asleep, you get to play the bonus round."
    He led her to a smaller puzzle made of four letters. "You are given R S T L N E." he said. Immediately the puzzle flared up and ‘R_TS' was made out. "You have 10 seconds."
    "Rats?" Janice asked half-heartedly.
    "You're right!!!!" Tarantulas laughed. Janice pulled out a prize card from behind the letter ‘W' in the prize selection. "It says here that you win....RATS!" Tarantulas pulled a switch and a dozen two foot long sewer rats fell on Janice. She shook from rage. Tarantulas turned to the audience. "Thanks for watching and good night." He pressed a button on one of his legs, and the crew were released. They immediately retreated out of The Lair, except for Dino-Bot.
    "And what was the point to that??" Dino-Bot spat.
    "I was bored, and would you really come down if I just asked?" Tarantulas snickered.
    "Well...no." Dino-Bot admitted. "But you've traumatized Janice."
    "So?" Tarantulas snorted.
    "Good point." Dino-Bot crossed over to K, removed the head band, and tore it apart with his teeth. "Don't make any more!" he warned.
    As Dino-Bot left, Tarantulas crawled across the sound stage. "Wait until ‘Bumper Stumpers'!" he burst out laughing.

The End

One Final Obstacle

    The bridge crew stood at their posts, tense. "We will be exiting Sector Z in one hour." Londo reported.
    "Excellent." Worf grunted. "Shall I inform Tarantulas?"
    "Negative." Dino-Bot stated. "He probably knows already. He always knows."
    "Well, I don't know about you guys, but I am huunnnngry! I'm going for some brunch!" the Cat said as he went into the lift. "Anyone care to join me?"
    The bridge crew all murmured positive replies and joined him in the lift. All but Londo who stood watch over the sensors. On the way down to the Mess Hall, Dino-Bot turned to the others. "You go to the Mess Hall. I will go to the Mega-Tron Torture Bar to melt the hour away." He stopped the lift on Deck 17 and walked out.
    He was halfway down the corridor when a grinding noise filled the air. Dino-Bot continued around a bend in the corridor and saw that blue Police Box, the TARDIS, and three figures with their backs to him.
    "Where are we this time Doctor?" asked a young Scotsman in a kilt.
    "A space station?" asked a young brown-haired girl in a catsuit.
    "I'm afraid not Zoe. It looks like a large ship of some sorts. Hmm...have I been here before, I wonder?" the Doctor mumbled.
    "Doctor! We meet again!" Dino-Bot greeted them.
    The three turned to face them. Zoe screamed at the sight of the dinosaur. Jamie yelled and brought out a dagger. The Doctor was wearing a black frock coat, a blue dress shirt, checkered pants, with a loop tie and a Beatles haircut. "My word!" the Doctor shouted. "Dino-Bot??" To the confused looks of Jamie and Zoe, he continued. "Why, I haven't seen you in...in...well, it's been a very long time, hasn't it??"
    "Second incarnation?" Dino-Bot asked.
    "Yes, yes. Quite right. Why, I haven't seen you since the first time we met!"
    Dino-Bot thought of the relativity of time, and the random nature of the TARDIS and chose not to press the point. "What brings you here, Doctor?"
    "Why, I have no control over the TARDIS! You know that." the Doctor said.
    "Well, all right. So you can't control it yet. How long shall you be staying?" Dino-Bot wanted to know.
    "Not too long I gather. We are taking a bit of a break since our encounter with the Ice Warriors, so just enough time to take a break, look around, and learn some new things. Doesn't that sound like fun Jamie?!" the Doctor grinned.
    "Eh Doctor? Why is that nasty lizard talking to us?" Jamie half-whispered.
    "Oh no no no Jamie. He's not really a dinosaur, he's a robot in disguise! Why don't you transform and show us there, Dino-Bot?" the Doctor clapped his hands together.
    "I can not. We are passing through Sector Z, a very dangerous region of space for electronics." Dino-Bot explained.
    "What about the TARDIS then Doctor?" Zoe gasped.
    "Oh, it'll be quite all right my dear. Now Dino-Bot, where are all your fancy friends?" the Doctor looked around him.
    "Eating lunch." Dino-Bot snorted. "Or maybe brunch."
    "Oh well, show us to that delightful bar of yours and we can all have a drink." the Doctor laughed merrily.
    That's when an explosion sounded through the decks, and the lights started flashing red. "What's happening?" Zoe cried.
    "Oh oh! We must be under attack!" the Doctor waved his arms around.
    "Dino-Bot to Worf: what is going on up there?" Dino-Bot spoke into his comsignal.
    "We are under Borg attack and are still not out of Sector Z. We can not raise shields or activate defenses. We are attempting to retreat, but the navigational computer is unreliable." Worf's voice came through Dino-Bot's chest.
    "Very well. I am coming up there." Dino-Bot started towards the lift.
    "Wait! Let me help. I'm sure I can be of some assistance." the Doctor offered.
    "Come Doctor then. Bring your companions, or they will get lost." Dino-Bot ordered, actually worried Tarantulas might get them. The four entered the lift, which shot up to the bridge.
    The Borg ship fired a cutting laser against the hull of the Babylon Dwarf, which recoiled under the attack. After the cutting beam disabled the engines, the cube grabbed the Babylon Dwarf with a tractor beam and pulled it close.
    Dino-Bot stormed onto the bridge. "Report."
    "We're dead." said the Cat.
    "I thought so." said Dino-Bot.
    "Oh my goodness! It's getting closer!" the Doctor shouted as he saw the Borg cube loom larger into view.
    "Oh what are we going to do?" Jamie cried out.
    "Either trouble follows you everywhere, or trouble follows us everywhere, Doctor. I suggest we activate the internal defenses before we are boarded." Dino-Bot shouted.
    "The internal defenses have been compromised and we are now being boarded." Londo clarified.
    A Borg drone transported before their eyes in a swirl of green light. It looked at them with it's hollow eyes and started moving towards them. Dino-Bot snarled dangerously. "They must be stopped! Dino-Bot...maximize!!!" he activated his transformation sequence. No sooner had he transformed when electricity shot out all over his body. Acting quickly, he blew a hole in the drone's chest with his eye beams.
    "Dino-Bot, get back into Beast form!" Londo shouted.
    Dino-Bot looked around at the bridge crew, all fighting the Borg and felt his circuits shorting out. "Beast...mo-mo-mode." With that, he transformed back into the Velociraptor and fell to the ground.
    The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver and aimed at a drone. Upon activation, the drone sputtered and hit the ground. Jamie let out a warcry and threw his dagger into another drone's head.
    A drone snuck up behind the Doctor and grabbed his arm. The Doctor cried out and dropped his sonic screwdriver. As the drone advanced on the Doctor, he raised his arms defensively.
    That's when Dino-Bot jumped onto the drone and sank his teeth and claws into the cybernetic body. The drone shorted out and fell to the ground. All the drones on the bridge were now dead.
    "I've got an idea!" the Doctor ran to the weapon's console. "If we send back a feedback beam, we might be able to reverse the Borg tractor beam, causing it to push us out of the cloud!" The Doctor typed a few commands into the console.
    "Go ahead!" Londo asserted.
    "Make it quick!" Dino-Bot shouted.
    The feedback beam hit the Borg cube as expected, and the Babylon Dwarf shot out of Sector Z. "Raising shields, weapons, and internal defenses." Worf reported.
    "HAL systems are online. How can I help you?" HAL asked as his eye activated.
    "HAL! Destroy all Borg intruders using projectile weapons." Worf commanded.
    "I am complying." HAL stated. After a minute and a half, HAL reported. "All internal Borg drone intruders have been neutralized. Condition is now green."
    "Thank you HAL." the Doctor said.
    "You are welcome Doctor." HAL responded.
    "Eh, Doctor, can we go now?" Jamie asked after he retrieved his knife. He was feeling a little out of place on this ship.
    "Well yes Jamie. That's about enough relaxation for me as well." the Doctor nodded.
    "I'll see you out Doctor." Dino-Bot said as they left the bridge.

    The Master, still on the ship from his last escapade, hid in a doorway by the TARDIS with his Tissue Compression Eliminator in hand. "Come come Doctor. I know you'll come..."
    The Doctor rounded the corner with Jamie and Zoe, and didn't see the Master. "Well, I'm afraid we'll be going now Dino-Bot."
    "Not likely Doctor." the Master whispered. "For I shall kill you now, and you will never have been a thorn in my side." He took aim and prepared to end the Doctor's life.
    That's when a dozen Black Ninjas appeared out of nowhere and attacked the Master!
    Dino-Bot watched as the Doctor and his companions climbed into the TARDIS and it vanished with a grinding noise. That's when he heard a fight and various martial arts noises from around the corner. Dino-Bot transformed to Robot mode and looked around the corner.
    The Master was lying on the ground unconscious, all alone.

The End

Now that they have left Sector Z, all robotic life forms are reactivated and everything returned to normal. Well, as normal as these days get. Join us next time as:

Chewbacca visits the dentist.
Cybermen ambush!
Starbuck has a real date. That's next time on the mega-issue "The Mixed-Up Carnival!"