Leospace7!

Mixed-Up Space Alert! Condition Red! Condition Blue! Condition Yellow! Condition Mauve! Okay, I made the last one up. These are the stories that come back for more. Prepare for the tyranny that awaits, as many a foe comes to plague our ship's existence. First . . . can Worf really go home? And who is trying to kill the Governor??

The Easy Way Out

    "Bring out the prisoner!" the French marshal shouted (in French obviously. You can translate it if you want, but don't bug me about it)
    Tarantulas was brought out wearing 17th century civilian clothing. Of course, this did not disguise the fact that he was a transforming android, that could turn into a giant spider at will. Tarantulas was shackled and held in front of a large brick wall. He gasped at the poring turrets of rain falling from the sky, a chill settling over the ground as a mist.
    The marshal raised his sword above his head. His blue uniform was becoming damp and his breath clung to the air like a cloud, before it vanished. "Squad ready!"
    Fifteen guns rose simultaneously.
    "Load weapons." the marshal shouted again. Clicks and snaps were heard. "Take aim!" the marshal commanded. Guns were raised to eyes, and the sights of the weapons took a general aim at Tarantulas' tense body.
    "FIRE!!!" the marshal shouted, and fifteen bullets exploded from the fire arms, letting loose a wild frenzy of sound. Tarantulas was hit on all counts and hit the ground. The marshal allowed himself a grin. "Dispose of the body!"
    "I'll do that." Dino-Bot growled as he walked past the marshal towards Tarantulas.
    The marshal's stomach crawled into his mouth as he watched the inhuman and gigantic form of Dino-Bot move across the soaked grass.
    Dino-Bot's feet stopped at Tarantulas. "Pure madness. Get off the ground."
    Tarantulas leapt to his feet. "What are you doing, spoiling my shower?!?"
    Dino-Bot waved the Timescape X remote in the air. "Most take a shower of water, not a shower of bullets!"
    "Not like projectile weapons can hurt me." Tarantulas snorted. To the aghast looks of the French troops, he yelled "No offense!" (in French of course). "Well, it is raining. What more do you want??"
    "Stop meddling with history and let's go. You are the most irresponsible---!" And the two vanished in a flash of light.

    They reappeared in The Lair, Tarantulas' hangout. "---and idiotic piece of slag on this miserable ship." Dino-Bot snarled. "What type of lunatic are you??"
    Tarantulas took the two remotes, one from himself and the other from Dino-Bot, and set them down in the Timescape X main chamber with the other thirteen remotes. "You are overreacting."
    Dino-Bot thought about it. Tarantulas traveled back in time to take a shower of 17th century musket-style French bullets as a morning pick-me-up, and Dino-Bot was overreacting?!
    Tarantulas typed in a few calculations as he stashed his wet garb into his Time Travel Wardrobe Express closet. "Well, you know, using this technology, we couldn't get home, but someone else could."
    "Who?" Dino-Bot wanted to know.
    "I've calculated the temporal alignment stream and came up with this algorithm." Tarantulas waved some pads in the air at Dino-Bot. "And they match up with only one person on board."

    Worf sat listening to the Governor on the bridge. "And I keep hearing a scraping during the night, outside my wall!" the Governor licked his paw. "It's keeping me up! And I swear, every time I walk down the corridor, I hear footsteps behind me."
    "Hmm . . . you do have superior hearing." Worf noted.
    "No kidding, ugly. Help me out here!" the Governor demanded.
    Worf promised to look into it and the Governor left. "How odd....could Tarantulas be up to his old tricks..?"
    "Definitely." Tarantulas said from behind him.
    Worf grunted. "So what is happening with the Governor?"
    Dino-Bot folded his arms. "Enough of that. Tarantulas, stop teasing the Klingon!"
    "Awww..." Tarantulas sulked.
    Dino-Bot shook his head. "Worf, we believe the Timescape X can send you back to the point at which you left your universe."
    "What about Data?" Worf wanted to know.
    "Same universe," Tarantulas went on. "Different space AND time! The temporal algorithms are close, but not enough! Don't you want to go home?!?!"
    Worf sat down and thought about the Enterprise. "Yes, and if at the point at which I left, all the better. Very well. Let's go."

    The three entered The Lair and went to the Timescape X main chamber. Tarantulas started fiddling with the controls. "I've entered the coordinates....now whatever you do, don't take one of my remotes! I don't want you to keep it and use MY machine whenever YOU want to."
    Worf nodded. "Understood."
    Electricity cackled as the Timescape X purred to life. Tarantulas aimed the controls and as Worf prepared himself to go home...
    "WAIT!!!!" Dino-Bot shouted.
    Tarantulas immediately powered down the machine. "What?!?"
    "I seem to recall you saying that the Timescape X doesn't work with organics, and I seem to remember that shark turning into purple goo when it traveled by your machine."
    Worf lost some of his color.
    Tarantulas laughed a bit. "Well, I'll get to work on some other evil scheme. See you two later!"
    Worf turned to Dino-Bot. "Was he really trying to help me or...?"
    "Goo? I don't know." Dino-Bot confessed.

The End

The Oldest Tricks in the Book

    Tarantulas sat in The Lair, watching. Specifically, he was in the Monitoring Room, which was a large spherical room with monitors covering the walls. The monitors were hooked up to cameras and spy cables set up around the ship. Tarantulas used this feature to spy on every aspect of the ship.
    Right now, he was watching the bridge and all the work progressing. He adjusted the volume dials and listened in. Data's voice filtered through the speakers "---phase alignment particles. The vortex is highly unstable."
    "Then let's go through it!" the Cat exclaimed.
    Data stared at him. "We would be destroyed."
    "Oh." the Cat stated.
    "Always the ignorant one." a voice stated behind Tarantulas.
    "GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tarantulas screamed. He jumped into the air, loaded his gun and took aim at the stranger upon hitting the ground. "How did
you get in here without me knowing it??"
    The man grinned. "Hello again Tarantulas."
    Tarantulas put his gun away. "Odwa the Galactic Practical Jokester and All-Around Pain in the Butt. What is it this time?"
    Odwa took on a somber expression. "I've come to apologize to everyone. Shake?" Odwa offered his hand.
    "Nice try." Tarantulas didn't budge.
    "Darn." Odwa sighed as he removed his thermo-nuclear hand buzzer. "That's a real gasser!"
    "I'll bet." Tarantulas said. "But you'll have to try something really good to get me."
    "All right..." Odwa submitted. "I'll go find someone else. Enjoy your spying." And Odwa vanished into midair.
    Tarantulas snickered and sat down in his easy chair. Immediately, a loud farting noise reverberated through the deck.

Five decks up, Dino-Bot stopped his drink in the Mega-Tron Torture Bar and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "That's revolting!"

    Back on the bridge, Data and Londo were going over their readings. Londo straightened up after a few minutes. "Man, am I starving! I'll grab some pizza."
    Londo crossed over to the pizza bar station. Pizza Guy went to meet him from behind the bar. He was about 19 with an orange uniform and long blond hair. "Can I take your order?"
    Londo thoughtfully tapped his chin. "Well, how about a triple cheese and onion today. I'm kinda peckish."
    "Right away sir!" Pizza Guy said cheerfully. After five minutes, he returned with the order. "And to drink?"
    "Well, Pizza Guy, how about a root beer?" Londo asked.
    "Right. Here you are." Pizza Guy gave the order to Londo, and Londo sat down to eat at his station.
    Before he took a bite out of his savory pizza Data stopped him. "Are you sure you ordered that?"
    Londo nodded. "Of course. There's nothing lethal on it, right?" he asked jokingly.
    Data scanned the pizza with a tricorder. "Negative."
    Londo grinned then took a big, whopping, hungry, deep, savoring bite of his pizza. And then his mouth exploded in a fury of flames. Londo shot up to his feet, and choking on his own tongue, started running in panicked circles, with smoke pouring out his mouth.
    Data watched him run in circles. "Did you not order the ‘Abnormally Deadly Cajun Hot Sauce'?"
    Londo continued running in tight, frenzied circles.
    Data turned to Pizza Guy. "Is this a prank?"
    Pizza Guy looked aghast. "I did not put hot sauce on his pizza sir!!"
    Londo continued running in tight, frenzied circles.
    Data picked up the root beer. "Perhaps you would like a drink?"
    Londo continued running in tight, frenzied circles, but managed to grab the cup out of Data's hand as he went. In one massive desperate gulp, the root beer splashed down Londo's throat. Londo stopped running and breathed a sigh of relief, then his eyes crawled back into his head, and he started running again.
    Data inspected the glass. "This is not root beer. This is industrial strength tabasco sauce with jalapeno pepper additives." Data turned to Pizza Guy. "A glass of water is needed."
    A glass of water was thrust into his hands, and Data looked it over. "This is not water, this is sulphuric acid." He looked at Pizza Guy, or actually, Odwa dressed as Pizza Guy.
    Odwa's clothes morphed back to the flowing robes. "Sorry, but this is really funny!"
    Data and Odwa watched as Londo continued to run in frenzied circles. "I believe Londo has surpassed the timed record for the 100 m dash."
    Odwa started laughing.
    Data took a fire hose off the wall and aimed it at Londo. With a firm grip, he pushed the button and a supreme jet of water shot out at the surprised Londo. Londo was hurled across the room by the jet and was plastered against the viewscreen by the continual gush of water.
    Odwa stopped laughing. "Now Data...." an evil look passed through his eyes. "Pull....my FINGER!!!!!"
    Data turned and hit the weapon's console. Hoards of energy weapons spilled into the swirling vortex, which collapsed immediately.
    Odwa started to vanish. "Spoil sport!! I'll be back......!!" And he was gone.
    Data watched as Worf strode onto the bridge, having watched the exchange. "How did you know that collapsing the vortex would send Odwa back to where he came from?"
    Data responded. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
    Worf looked at the drowning Londo. "Perhaps you should turn off the fire hose."
    Data turned the hose off and Londo fell to the ground in a heap. "Thanks...I needed that..." he said gratefully. He fell face first to the ground..

The End

Battle Ground

    Quark stood in his bar, cleaning his glasses muttering off to the world. Centauri sat at the opposite end of the bar staring into his empty glass. The two sighed and looked at each other. "It's just not the same without the casino." Centauri finally said.
    Quark sighed deeper. "I know...the Grand Club Royale...." he licked his lips at the memory. "What'll you have?" he asked Centauri again.
    Centauri said wistfully. "I'll just keep staring at this empty glass if you don't mind."
    Quark rubbed his hands on his towelette. "Those glasses are for customers who want drinks you know."
    Centauri shrugged and tossed the glass over his shoulder . It exploded into hundreds of pieces skittering across the floor.
    That's when three girls, Janice and her two teenage friends, walked into the bar. They sat down at the bar and grinned.
    "Yes?" Quark asked at last.
    "Can we have something to drink??" Janice asked.
    "How about soda?" Quark asked.
    "Um, is vodka all right? Or scotch? We just want to try it." one of Janice's friends smiled broadly.
    "Sure...sure. How about soda?" Quark asked again, suggestive.
    The girls moaned. "Come on!" Janice stated angrily. "You're just like the other adults. We don't want to get drunk, only have a few drinks!"
    "In fact," one of her friends responded. "We actually want to get so sloshed that we can't tell the difference from up and down!"
    "And," the other friend continued. "Have nasty aliens take advantage of our state and kidnap us to perform gruesome experiments!!"
    "Also," Janice went on. "Become immoral freaks who depend on alcohol all our lives and grow up to be rehabs!!!!"
    Centauri blinked a few times. "Um, how inventive."
    Quark crossed to the other side of the bar and inspected the girls. He noticed they were all wearing the same headbands. Quark removed them, and the girls stumbled slightly. "Tarantulas," Quark began, knowing Tarantulas was watching them. "You're going to get me in trouble!!!"
     A laugh was heard echoing and fading away...

    "So, that creep was mind-controlling us!!!" Janice shouted.
    "Yeah!" shouted Debbie. "He is SO going to pay!"
    "Let's go to his Lair!" Tina shouted. The other 7 girls stopped immediately and stared at Tina. A pin could be heard dropping on the other side of the room, and there must have been crickets somewhere in there.... "What??" Tina asked after a few minutes.
    "The....Lair....?" Carly asked meekly.
    "That's not a good idea!" Janice lectured. "Are you nuts!?!?! He'll eat us alive down there!" She saw the fear in the others. "I'm serious! We need to lure him to OUR playing field."
    "I've got the perfect lure..." Janice snickered after a minute. "And the perfect participant..."

    K finished tucking in his shirt and put on his black jacket. He left his quarters and ran straight into Janice. She was crying her eyes out. "What's the matter?" he asked, taking her hand sympathetically.
    Janice broke her sobs. "Tarantulas...stole my pet mouse....Willy!!!"
    K growled. "That nasty pervert! Where did he take Willy, dear?"
    Janice let tears run down her cheek. "Into his Lair, in with the rest of his rodents!!"
    K stood up and put on a brave face. "I'll get it. The Lair doesn't faze me." As K went to the lift, Janice beamed in triumph.

    K entered Deck 23 and The Lair fazed him. It was just so...dark and foreboding. He felt the chills of terror climb his spine. He straightened up and walked out. After walking for a good 15 minutes, he entered the area in which the rodents were kept. Cages upon cages climbed to ceiling as rodents stared out in stunned silence.
    K thought he spotted a white mouse in the corner of the closest cage and tried to open it. When the door wouldn't budge, he looked around for an electric switch. He found it against the wall. He crossed over and flew the switch. All the cages opened at once, and the rodents watched motionless as K crossed back to cage with the white mouse. K allowed himself a grin and reached inside....
    ...And hundreds of rats, shrews, mice, voles, gerbils, hamsters, and a beaver piled out as one gigantic swarm. K was not strong enough to fight against the flowing river of fur and was swept away....

    Tarantulas crossed into The Lair whistling an inspiring tune when his computer beeped. "Attention Tarantulas: a break-in Sector 25 has been logged."
Tarantulas felt time slow down, and he started to run towards the Rodent Containment Center. His arms flew wildly, all slowly to his perception, as his breath quickened. He yelled in anguish, all the while wondering why he couldn't get there faster. He turned a corner and ran between the two stalagmites that served as the entrance to the Rodent Containment Center.
    The cages were empty. Tarantulas wailed out at the universe and cried bitterly.
    That's when the thought hit his head. "Who would do this?!?" he cursed. Then it hit him. "Tarantulas!! Oh....wait, that's me." There goes that idea. Here comes a good one. "JANICE!!!!!!!!"

The End

Something Wicked This Way Comes

    Over and over and over and over and over and over and over..... The Unspeakable One spun in deep space, constantly going head over heels. He could not die, and the constant spinning over and over was beginning to get rather dull. Curse that ship... The Unspeakable One wanted to shout. But it was space, and there was no sound. He was eight-feet tall with a skull as a head and literally fire in the eyes. He had three-foot long hands with six-inch claws that shot out streams of electricity. He wore a large black cloak that always flowed with evil. He was surrounded by a pulsating black aura and his voice echoed in the hearts of those who awake screaming in the night for their lives. And he STILL had no hat.
    After a good year of tossing in space, he spotted a small dot in the distance. He watched as for two weeks this ship continued to loom closer to him. He realized, of course, that it was headed straight towards him. Finally, it became large enough that he recognized it. It was the Babylon Dwarf. Obviously, it has been flying in circles.
    Still tossing head over heels, he saw the ship, space, space, space, ship, space, space, space, ship, space, space, space, etc. Until, he saw ship, space, space, splat!!! His back collided with the front of the ship, as his arms splayed out and more than several of his bones snapped and broke off to fly into the depths of space without him. He instantly regenerated them, and moaned mutely at the pain of colliding with the ship.

    Inside the holodeck, Janice and Tina walked slowly among the jungle in ‘Jurassic Park: The Game'. They were both wearing war paint, and carrying semi-automatic machine guns. "What happened to Debbie?" Tina whispered.
    Janice scowled. "She chickened out. Said the war was getting too "real". Of course it is! This is war! So, Bertha's death was a tragic loss to us all, but we have to get over it!"
    Tina sadly thought of their pet gerbil.
    That's when Tarantulas launched himself from the ground. "HAHAHAHAHA!!!!" he laughed. "NOW I'VE GOT YOU!!!!" he screamed.
    Janice brought up her gun and fired in rapid bursts. "Fire!" she yelled at Tina.
    Tina collapsed on the ground in a dead faint.
    Tarantulas was hit by a stray bullet from Janice's gun and went flying. Janice ran to Tina. "Tina??" she asked worriedly. That's when a low growl was heard behind her. She slowly stood up, gulped, and turned around. A velociraptor snarled and went in closer. "I thought...I turned off the dinosaurs..." Janice stuttered. The raptor drooled.
    "That's not all that's turned off." Tarantulas snickered from a tree overhead. "So's the safety protocol. And unless you submit and surrender to me, you're dog meat. Tee hee AAAAGHHHHH!" he screamed, interrupted by another raptor jumping up on top of him and pushing him down to the ground. It licked it's lips and jumped down after him for the kill.
    Janice tried to remain motionless, but realized she was failing and shaking like a leaf. "Nice dino...!" she cried.
    The raptor screeched in a hunting cry and leaped at her. In midair, it was hit by two green energy beams and was sent flying. Janice fainted.

    Dino-Bot set Janice and Tina down in Sickbay. "And Tarantulas?" the holographic doctor asked.
    "He can take care of himself." Dino-Bot spat.
    "How did this start?" the doc wondered.
    "It was something that just got out of hand, and has lasted the better part of the week. We still haven't found K, but I did find the Mind-Controlling Head Bands and destroyed them." Dino-Bot grunted.
    Suddenly Worf's voice broke through the air. "Worf to Dino-Bot: Code 3."
    The doc looked at Dino-Bot questioningly. Dino-Bot explained. "The Code system works on the number of emergencies we often find ourselves in. Code 1 is Evil Scheme by Tarantulas. Code 2 is Alien Attack. Code 3 is Extra Found Dead and Alien Presence Suspected." Dino-Bot left Sickbay quickly.

    Worf saw the expression of absolute terror on the dead man's face and growled. "It looks like the life was literally sucked out of him."
    Dino-Bot shook his fist in the air. "Who would do such a thing?"
    "I would..." a voice of pure evil spoke. Dino-Bot and Worf both turned to see The Unspeakable One. Instantly, horror music filled the air. "And this time, no one shall save your souls..." More horror music.
    "That's a new one." Dino-Bot commented.
    An extra rounded the corner with a plasma rifle in hand. "I've got him!!" he cried.
    The Unspeakable One ignored him until the first shot connected with his body. The Unspeakable One shot a glare at the extra. The extra immediately burst into flames.
    Worf and Dino-Bot beat a hasty retreat and took off down the corridor. "He's back!" Worf observed.
    "So I noticed." Dino-Bot commented.
    "HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!" The Unspeakable One laughed full of malice as electricity shot from his extended arms. The corridor darkened, and the only source of light was the dark purple electricity.

    Fifteen decks down, the Governor plodded along by himself to his quarters. Suddenly, foot steps sounded behind him. He turned and a figure ducked behind a doorway. The Governor ran to the wall. "Computer! Class 3 plasma gun." he ordered. The plasma gun plopped out of the wall and into his paws. "Show yourself or eat burning energy!!"
    The figure extended out of the doorway with arms raised. The man was oriental with a white suit and a big floppy hat. He also had a very curly mustache.
    The Governor recognized him immediately. "Chen Chow, the Chinese chef!!!!" he cried. "You've come back!!"
    "Yes Governor. And this time, you are dinner!!" Chen Chow raised a cleaver above his head. The Governor gasped and took off down the corridor at full speed. Chen Chow followed right after him.
    The Governor leaped up into the lift and the doors closed him in. "Deck 16!" he ordered. The lift shot up the fifteen decks.
    Chen Chow used the cleaver to pry open the lift doors and watched the lift ascend above him. Reacting quickly, Chen grabbed the moving cables and was pulled up after it.
    The Governor screeched and ran out onto Deck 16, which was mysteriously dark and eerie. The Governor was about to go back into the lift and try another deck, when a knife shot up through the lift floor and cut a large hole. Chen Chow began pulling himself through the hole, and the Governor ran down the corridor.
    About half way down he stopped. "Wait, I have a gun!" he cried, turned and fired. Chen Chow took it in the gut and went skidding along the ground towards the Governor. The Governor gasped as the big knife loomed closer...
    A three foot long hand shot out grabbed Chen Chow with it's six inch claws. "Perhaps you'll understand my need to feast..." The Unspeakable One rumbled. Chen Chow's life energy started being sucked into the void of The Unspeakable One.
    The Governor shrieked and ran back to the lift for dear life. "THE UNSPEAKABLE ONE!!!!" he screeched and bolted.
    The Unspeakable One appeared right in front of the lift. "Here kitty kitty..."
    The Governor brought up his plasma gun and took aim.
    "That won't do any good. Submit and your pain will lessen."
    The Governor fired. And hit his target: the viewing porthole beside the lift. The glass shattered and the atmosphere shot out into space, taking The Unspeakable One with it. The Governor went tossing, but managed to use Chen Chow's cleaver to punch a hole in the floor that he could hold on to.
    The Governor felt the effects of outer space reaching him, when he was carried away by a teleport beam.

    "That porthole was rather convenient, don't you think?" Dino-Bot asked.
    "Yes, but at least The Unspeakable One is no longer a threat." Worf added.
    "So, he's going to be tossing in space for ANOTHER year, and become even more enraged and powerful?" the Governor asked.
    "Yes, but this proves what I've been saying!!" C-3PO exclaimed. "We are flying in circles!! Aren't you listening to me?!?"
    "I wonder why we ran back into him." Dino-Bot thought out loud.
    "I do not know." Worf said. "Let us hope it does not happen again."
    "I'm going for a nap." the Governor stated and left.

As the trees rustled in the wind and the ferns whispered their secrets to the insects, night fell in ‘Jurassic Park: The Game'. Silence interrupted the clatter, and everyone paid attention to the rising beauty of the moon.
A dead velociraptor shot up in the air and landed a few feet away. A claw-like hand shot through the foliage and shook with the want for revenge.

The End

Join us next time as:

The Borg launch another assault.
Could the Joymaster 2000 be alive?
Age is being reversed... All next time in "Dangerous Mixed-Up Space"