SHE CALLED ME HONEY BUNNY (1997)

WRITTEN  July 1997
First Performed August 22nd 1997, Cafe Basilica, Chippendale NSW.
Performed by Fluffy Bunnies Theatre Company.

First off, the title. Everyone hated this title. (I don't mind the title, but I quickly got sick of the theatre company's name - Fluffy Bunnies). I will admit it was too close to SONNY BOYwith one reviewer talking about a mysterious play called Don't Call Me Honey Bunny ! I like taking titles out of the plays themselves (THEY SOLD THEIR SOULS TO SANTA is another example). I still haven't worked out how I feel about this play. I found it a little hard and cold and bleak - a typical play for the late 90s I guess. The most important thing I began to explore in this play was ambiguity. The thing that fascinated me about HEBEPHRENIA is that it gave pieces, but let the listener fit them together. Of all the people I talked to who listened to it, every one had a different account of what they believed had happened. That is particularly exciting to me - it lets a story become bigger than ittself, take on a life of its own. I think this is why I resented the Interplay analysis of SONNY BOY- everyone wanted me to get the facts all straight. I like it best when even I'm not 100% sure of the facts. And this was my aim in writing Bunny.

The play grew when it transpired that Fluffy Bunnies couldn't do SONNY BOY. We already had the Cafe Basilica booked, so I decided to write a new play especially for the space and the cast. Originally, it was prescribed as a `Seinfeld-type guys-in- their-apartment' comedy, but I approached it as I used to approach creative writing tasks in English : how can I get as far away from the obvious while retaining the essential concept ? I have always loved the idea of the character who never appears; who exists only in the mind of the audience. This became the central conceit - the play hinges on our changing perception of Lauren, in a way the characters who do appear in the play are Rosencrantz and Guildernstern to her Hamlet - I had recently seen this play and was influenced by that incredible `I'm not laughing anymore' impact you feel when the characters' fates suddenly become evident. The play's three acts were carefully structured to lull the audience into believing it was just a talky comedy, then cultivating some kind of concern for the characters, and finally, turning the whole play world on its ear. Thus it could be appreciated on each of these levels (but the final act was the most successful). It takes care to properly turn a twist ending also, but I think it worked out well. Yet the play troubles me though because its characters live in a pretty grey moral universe and are without redeeming features. However, the production was a roaring success with packed houses on most nights, especially after the incredible reviews. For a play with a budget of $50 (that's what we paid for the lounge ... and it broke soon afterwards anyway!) we did extremely well. Unfortunately this was the one and only production of Fluffy Bunnies Theatre Company ... living in each others' pockets took its toll and our lives took other paths. Tom Holley and Ben Scales were and are excellent actors and I can't wait for someone to lure them back onstage again!

Technically the play is a two-hander (it was written specifically with two actors in mind, Tom Holley and Ben Scales). This was as much to do with logistics as anyone else - as you can imagine, potential problems rise exponentially with each extra cast member. To occupy an audience's attention with only two characters is incredibly difficult, and my solution was undoubtedly influenced by my work in radio. The other characters appear as voices on the answering machine, which also serves to emphasise the characters' isolation from the rest of the world; the fact that interesting things are happening everywhere but where they are. Thus the stage (and the audiences' mind) is populated by both concrete and ethereal characters (and it saved us from needing a much larger cast!). To me, this was a kind of meeting between radio and theatre, which would be an interesting thing to pursue further in the future.

Setting - A squalid inner city apartment.

Characters

BILL - About nineteen. The slightly naive boy from the suburbs who's only lived at the flat for a little while. He is always conscious of not being cool enough for Ben, and isn't too smart.

BEN - About twenty five. The more cynical, worldly-wise one. The sort of person who can combine utter sloth with almost continual movement. He uses Bill as a bit of a punching bag.

Several characters also appear only as voices on the answering machine.

LAUREN - The absent housemate of Bill and Ben, and the landlady of their apartment. She is sassy, sexually attractive and manipulative.

DAISY - The girl whose place in the household Bill has taken. A party girl who's not too smart.

ANGUS - A business (and perhaps social) associate of Lauren's.

SQUISHY - A slightlly eccentric young man who used to live above Bill and Ben's apartment.

MARK - A member of the band Bill plays guitar in.

ADRIAN - A teenage boy.

DAMIAN - An ex boyfriend of Lauren's who has recently come out.

HARLEY - A goth, who lives next door to Bill and Ben.

ACT I

The Scene - A couch, surrounded by mostly food related rubbish. There is a refrigerator stage left, and a table with a telephone. Whenever a character answers a call, it is on this telephone (unless indicated), NOT the answering machine and phone that appear later. A television and video are faced toward the couch, stage right. A guitar leans against the wall. Bill enters, obviously having just woken up and swishing saliva around in his mouth. He cannot find a suitable place to get rid of it, finds a beer can on the floor and hocks in it. Finding a half empty packet of Twisties he takes it, and sits down on the couch.

BEN - Hey !

(Ben emerges from under the blanket on the couch. He falls off the couch, and puts his ear to the floor. Disco music streams out)

BEN - Well they're having a nice time down at the Dolphin Ring at least. (to Bill) Gay bar.

BILL - I guessed. (Ben then puts his ear to the right hand wall. Some Top 40 music streams out.) Ugh. (He crosses to the left wall and listens to that. Goth music streams out.) Ah Goths. The Happiest little Vegemites in the world. (Finally, he looks out the window, presumably to see some joggers) Hey ! Jog if you like blowing goats ! (He waves to the joggers, smiling. The phone rings. Bill searches around for the phone, which rings about ten times, at what time he realises where it's coming from - the fridge)

BEN - What the fuck ? (He opens the fridge and takes out the phone. It has rung too many times and engaged the answering machine, which is also in the fridge. There's a really corny answering machine message by Ben and Bill on before it).

LAUREN - (on answering machine) Hi boys. Are you hungry ? Cause I am. Have a look in this refrigerator. Have a good, good look. There's nothing there, is there ? It's a good thing I moved all My food into MY room, because now you will learn the simple art of BUYING YOUR OWN FOOD ... Meanwhile, my room is locked. And it will stay locked until I get home, or Big Mister Building Bond will take a short, permanent vacation into MY bank account. Comprende ? That means `do you understand' in Spanish. Bye bye, have fun without me!

BEN - That bitch! (Silence.)

BILL - Why's it called the Dolphin Ring ?

BEN - I dunno. Some obscure joke about diving for pearls.

BILL - So what is in the fridge ?

BEN - Besides the phone of course? I'm afraid to look (He does so). We have ... lettuce. We have milk (he sniffs it), sorry, yoghurt. We have one tomato that I may sell to the chemists as a powerful antibiotic ... hey ! Some frozen Veal Parmigana, WOOHOO! You wanna microwave that ? (he throws that on to the couch. Bill picks it up to microwave it) and ... wait a minute. I don't remember seeing beer ! No beer ! Oh no. No no. (He urgently searches the entire fridge. Meanwhile, Bill is having problems with the microwave.)

BILL - So where did Lauren go again ?

BEN - Can't remember. Oh, no wait. A convention of Homeway Marketing execs from all over Australia. An expo on new and exciting ways to sell bullshit to people whose job it is to shovel bullshit.

BILL - Hey, just out of interest, how much did Lauren charge you for the bond ?

BEN - Three hundred.

BILL - Bull SHIT ! She charged me three seventy five !

BEN - Yeah ? Oh well. Who cares ! Aren't you more worried ? There's no beer ! Hello ! THERE'S NO BEER !!! I would kill for a beer! I would fuck a Spice Girl for a beer!

BILL - The damn microwave's up the creek !

BEN - Here, let me have a go. (He fiddles around with the microwave but can't get it working) Ahh. So much for the only edible thing in the household (He throws it back on to the couch) Let it defrost.

(Silence. Bill rifles round to find something more substantial to eat. He checks his watch.)

BILL - Shit ! I didn't realise how late it was !

BEN - Why ? What's the time ?

BILL - Two thirty !

BEN - That's late !? Shit, I wooden've got up at all if it'd been overcast ! Why ? What have you got to do ?

BILL - Nothing until tonight.

BEN - Oh yeah. Tonight's the Big Gig.

BILL - Yeah.

BEN - Hope you realise what the purpose of the opening band at the Metro is. So that everyone will come in and buy stuff at the bar for when the main act comes on.

BILL - I don't care. I'm gonna get to meet Pavement.

BEN - How do you know that ?

BILL - We're supporting them !

BEN - Yeah, but how do you know you're going to meet them ?

BILL - Look, can't I just enjoy this for what it is ? I happen to think this is a pretty big deal !

BEN - Okay, okay. Yes it is a big deal. Whatever. Uhohhh. I need some more pot. (He looks at what littel remaining pot he has. He also realises there is nothing else visible to eat)

BILL - You wanna go down to the shop ?

BEN - Do you ?

BILL - I don't want to get out of my PJ's.

BEN - Neither do I. You know what ? I think I can see a PJ day coming on! Okay! I order you ... we must scratch ourselves at regular intervals. We must watch B Grade movies and make sexist comments. We MUST drink beer ...

BILL - There's no beer.

BEN - Yes there is. There are exactly three left in my secret stash which I didn't want to tell you about ...

BILL - There is exactly one left. I know because you told me there were three left last night and you drank two of them.

BEN - God I'm an irresponsible pisshead ! (He goes to his Secret Stash and chugs the remaining can in one go)

BILL - Well thanks for offering me some.

BEN - My pleasure. Well, we must order pizza, anyway.

BILL - On a budget, okay ? I don't get paid til after tonight.

BEN - Heyyy ... the whole point of a PJ Day is not having to move! We will be miserable excuses for PJ wearing losers if we leave the house to buy our own food ... hey, it would involve removing the sacred garment ... what do you say ? (Bill looks reluctant) Well, if you're not cool enough to be inducted into the Bedwear Panthenon ...

BILL - (grabbing his wallet from the debris on the floor) Yeah, why not. This is a special day. I don't think I'll be doing anything else until tonight. This is only the last money I have in the world.

BEN - Who needs something to do ? We have access to everything we need right in this apartment. Except pot, cigarettes, beer, and food. But hey, it could be worse. We could have voted Liberal. Sit down. Relax. Turn on the TV. (Bill does so. He brightens a bit.) ... Oh! Hey, shit, I just remembered ! I have got some pot!

BILL - YES ! Yeah ! Allright !

BEN - Yeah ! Remember that stuff I bought the other night ?

BILL - Oh yeah !

BEN - Oh shit, shit where did I put it ? (He rushes round the room looking for it. Meanwhile the non answering machine phone rings) You want to get that ? (Bill picks up, which requires getting up, much to his disgust. Ben continues looking.)

BILL - Hello ? Yeah, hi Damian. Yeah, I'm Bill ... Lauren's new flatmate .... Well, if I don't sound like a geeky suburban kiddie like Lauren said it's probably because I'm not one .... Yeah ? Where's it on ? Cool ! (He covers the phone) You want to go to a party tonight after Pavement?

BEN - Where ?

BILL - The Hellion Room.

BEN - Nah. Tell him ixnay on the unny-may

BILL - What ?

BEN - We're too poor !

BILL - Oh. (Back on the phone) We're going to have to give you a rain check, mate. Yeah, you do that. We'll be here all day. Okay .... bye. (He puts down the phone) He said he'll call back if he comes up with a cheaper option.

BEN - Oh, SHIT !

BILL - What ?

BEN - I just realised what I did with that pot.

BILL - What.

BEN - You remember when we got it ?

BILL - Not really but anyway ...

BEN - You know I said `I'm going to set a Westie trap ?'

BILL - (noncommitally) Yeeess ...

BEN - You know ! I put my belt around the door handle and put the pot in the middle of it there and said we'd be eating Ugh Boots washed down with an AC/DC shirt for dinner tonight ?

BILL - Oh. You left it there.

BEN - I left it there. God DAMN !

BILL - Could we get some more ?

BEN - There's this little thing in our universe called money ... Geez I'm dumb ... I wish I'd asked Damian if he had any. Dunno what Damian Sweeney's doing calling up this place. I thought he hated Lauren's guts !

BILL - I thought they used to go out.

BEN - Yeah, what do you expect ? It's weird actually, he used to be here all the time, then all of a sudden ZZOOM ! Bada bing bada boom. Didn't see him for ages. Must have got sick of the meaningless sex .... Could have had something to do with the fact I saw him a couple of months later in a pair of pink lycra flares with the bum cut out at the Imperial.

BILL - I wouldn't have minded going to Damien Sweeney's party.

BEN - Hey, I wouldn't have minded smoking some more pot ! Look on the bright side ! We have our pyjamas ! We have our television set ! We have our DIGNITY ! Do we need anything else ?

BILL - What videos did Lauren leave ?

BEN - Um ... ugh. `The Bodyguard' (vomiting noises) ... `Fatal Attraction' - bunny stew anybody? - and ... `The Sting'?

BILL - That's not too bad.

BEN - See what's on TV. (Bill turns on the TV and they channel surf for a while. Ben packs the last of the pot into the cone and they pass it back and forth until it's finished.) Well, there's that little avenue of pleasure closed off. (Silence. They watch the television for a while. The Smurfs is on.)

BILL - I could get used to this.

BEN - I reckon you should get up on stage in your PJ's tonight. That'd be so cool.

BILL - That's not a bad idea !

BEN - It's city living, man! You MUST make an artform out of doing absolutely nothing.

(They watch the TV for some time, doing just that.)

BILL - You know they invented the Smurfs to show us what life would be like if we had a nuclear attack ? Like, there'd only be one woman to every 20 men and it'd be communal and stuff ?

BEN - Nah mate. The really suss one is Scooby Doo. You know what it is man ? They're driving 'round the country selling LSD out the back of their van! It's true, you think about it. Shaggy's always hungry - he's got the munchies - they go around thinking they can see ghosts and shit - Shaggy thinks his dog can talk, for fuck's sake!

BILL - You know I never thought about that ...

BEN - Yeah, and you know what ? They go around narking on the other dealers - like, the owner of the haunted amusement park and that - and stealing their drugs to sell after they get them arrested!

BILL - Yeahhh ... you can imagine them slipping a few trips to Judy Jetson or someone, ay ?

BEN - Hey, I wouldn't mind slipping Judy Jetson something !

BILL - Yeah ! ... What about Roger Ramjet ?

BEN - Not exactly my type.

BILL - No, I mean drug wise.

BEN - Oh, steroid abuser, no question of that. And is it my imagination or was The Pink Panther gay ?

BILL - George from the Famous Five was gay.

BEN - Noddy was gay.

BILL - Some of the Smurfs must have been gay.

BEN - Ughghh ! Smurf sex !

BILL - Think about it. Fifty Smurfs, only one Smurfette.

BEN - Yeah. Half the Smurfs were gay or Smurfette was a real slut.

BILL - You gotta admit it must be pretty incredible for Smurfette, though ... having all that power over the entire male population of her town.

BEN - Yeahhhh ! ... Would you do Smurfette ?

BILL - I'd do Smurfette ...

BEN - I'd do Smurfette ...

BILL - If I was a Smurf.

BEN - Oh, yeah. Only if I was a Smurf.