Sex
Education
by Polka Dot
Kakashi threw yet another kunai into the well-perforated wall.
It wasn't as if he had stuck feathers onto his genin and taken them to compete in a cock fight, for crying out loud!
This was ridiculous!
Overkill!
Completely unwarranted, well maybe not completely unwarranted, but still overkill. Yes definitely overkill.
He had tried to do the best job he could. It wasn’t as if he had a hell of a lot of experience with these sorts of things. He wore a mask pretty much every time he was not inside his tiny, uninhabitable apartment. This turned out to be quite a bit of the time, so hence he wore his mask a lot. Now sure, some people found the mask intriguing, but when it came to getting dates, it didn’t work out so well. Thus he was not exactly a Casanova.
So how was he supposed to know the proper way to instruct his students in the fine art of dating, or sex education as the Academy liked to call it. Personally he felt Iruka should have covered such topics in his course while the students were still in the Academy, but Iruka (and the entire Academy staff-they always gained up together) had said something about sex education not being appropriate until children reach a certain age when the onset of puberty was more likely, or some other nonsense. Kakashi hadn’t listened much after his request, to not have to teach his genins sex education, had been denied.
He knew and could execute the basics. Thus he surmised that coming up with an actual lecture plan would not be that difficult. After about twenty minutes of careful consideration while kicking Gai’s ass in a table tennis competition, Kakashi had it all figured out.
He had done what any responsible adult would do. He accompanied Jiraiya to the men’s and women’s public bathhouse and had secretly taken pictures of the bathers private body parts, then asked his students to identify the various parts in a quiz, handing out condoms for each correct response.
He was slightly disturbed when Sakura recognized her father’s inner thigh, but figured what goes on in a student’s home is definitely none of his business and that was all there was to that.
Of course that wasn’t the end of the lesson, after all just recognizing all the parts (or in Naruto’s case 85% of the parts, which was probably the best Naruto had ever scored on a test before) wasn’t enough. He made sure that each student knew how to combine parts in the best possible way. Fortunately Jiraiya’s books proved invaluable since they contained fully detailed illustrations as well as step by step instructions on how to get your date to agree to be handcuffed to the headboard.
Kakashi had felt quite proud of himself for a job well done. Thus he was completely taken off-guard when Iruka literally ran him down in the street and threatened to cut Kakashi’s balls off with a dull kunai and shove them up Kakashi’s own ass as a form of instructional education for alternative lifestyles. It was hard to make out exactly what had the chunin so worked up, but he eventually deduced that over ramen Naruto had asked him something about rimming and then proceeded to pull out two or three of Kakashi’s instructional aids for the day and ask Iruka for clarification on some of the finer points.
Kakashi felt that Iruka’s failure to properly instruct his former pupils was absolutely no reason to become some irate. He informed Iruka of this and received more unprovoked pummeling from the usually mild-mannered Academy teacher.
Eventually their street fight had caught the eye of the wrong people and they were escorted to the hokage’s office where much to Kakashi’s shock and dismay, the hokage took Iruka’s side in the argument. Kakashi was reprimanded and told to read some book on child psychology and to give the lecture again, after he finished the book.
That in itself was quite an ordeal, but he shrugged and decided not to fight the decision. Then he had asked the hokage if he could take a picture of her without her top, since she clearly had the best example of mammary glands in all of Konoha and he felt it would provide a vital visual aid to his pupils in his next lecture, and the entire room went nuts! He was dodging kunai and shuriken, fending off illusion jutsus that made him dizzy and finally flying through the hokage’s office wall from a particularly brutal kick in the head, all because of his thirst for knowledge. It was so unfair.
But that still wasn’t the worst of it. When Kakashi came to in the hospital room several hours later, black and blue and hurting all over, he was informed by Shizune that in order to unwarp his obviously warped mind, all of his Make Out Paradise journals had been removed from his home and destroyed!
It was inhumane and cruel. There were laws against such unjust punishment he was sure! Alas Kakashi could not dry his tears long enough to seek legal counsel at the moment. He was like a sock without a shoe, a dog without a master, a ball without a gag. He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. His world made no sense. He was adrift on a puritan sea. He contemplated suicide, for life had no meaning anymore, but he was strong! He was a genius! He was a jounin!
He had a secret stack hidden in Naruto’s closet where the broom never ventured and the sun never shone. He had hope. He had porn. He had a happy little curve to his eye and a skip in his step again.
Then he remembered that he had to read some stupid book on child psychology. Oh well, he could read it while watching the Make Out Paradise movie on dvd.
Joy.
Standard Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto,
it's characters, nothing at all..