Chapter Five
Part One
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 58, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi Loopers, I'm Vicki/Brooklyn, recovering from COE and sugar addiction 1 day at a time, and your co-chairperson for the month of June.
Besides being codependent, angry, hostile, unyielding and always hungry--I was a liar. Not just a liar, but a BIG liar. I did everything in a big way. Life before program was a daily struggle to hide food, deceive, cheat, steal, lie about my feelings (if I ever felt any feelings), and alienate the few friends that stuck by me--although today I can't imagine why they did. My definition of rigorous honesty was telling you exactly what I thought of you. Today I call that "brutal honesty." Since program and finding a higher power of my understanding who loves me, the canvas on which I portray my life has brighter elements to it. I write a food plan that I honestly follow and call in to my sponsor, to whom I am accountable by choice. My conversations are not ALL confrontational, although I need to keep working on that. I view life as giving me opportunities for self-care and improvement, all tiny steps, 1 day at a time. One truth builds on another truth, and I feel a freedom today from the bondage of self that I erected in my "dishonor." The only comparisons I allow myself to indulge in are the ones in which I compare what I used to be like and what I'm like now.
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THE QUESTIONS
- How would you describe 'rigorous honesty' in relation to your life before program?
- How are your concepts about 'rigorous honesty' changing as your recovery progresses, and how does that feel?
Part Two
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 58-59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that One is God. May you find Him now! Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hello, Chris here COE and Friday co-chairperson for the month of June.
I have tried so hard to hold on to my own ideas and work this program at the same time. I cannot. I have jumped into the parts of the program which were comfortable for me and stayed away from those which were not. I have read, written, attended f2f meetings, online meetings and subscribed to OA loops. I have not committed my food to a sponsor. I have tried to do that part of it on my own and my way. It’s not working!
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THE QUESTIONS
- What half measures have you taken on the road to recovery?
- How/Why did you give them up?
Part Three
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", pp. 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi. It’s Rose, your leader for Saturdays in June.
When I first read these steps, the first one was the only one that I knew for a fact I could do right at that moment. For me, the admission of powerlessness was so important, and felt so new. The whole paradox of strength through weakness was really a bold new idea to me, but somehow it made perfect sense. I knew that all my past efforts at being strong, using will power, etc. had been nothing but a joke. I could plainly see that I had an unmanageable life, and I had no power whatsoever, as far as I could tell, to change on my own, in a meaningful and lasting way.
I later discovered that I really did have some control over my actions in daily life, who I chose to socialize with and what I had for lunch (assuming I'd given up my control over my eating disorder for that meal.) When I gave up control over my addictions and weaknesses to Higher Power and how I responded to the world in general, it was very different in that I didn't keep using all my energy trying to control the uncontrollable. So to me, step one is the foundation of my daily reprieve from my disease.
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THE QUESTIONS
- How have you experienced the paradox of giving up control over the uncontrollable elements in your life (compulsive eating, other people, character defects) and consequently found you had new power to handle the complex situations which come up in daily life?
Part Four
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi All, I'm Anne a compulsive overeater and co- chairperson for Sunday.
Step Two shows me that I need to look outside myself to find a Power greater than myself to help bring sanity back into my life. This step does not ask that I call this Power, "God", "Buddha," "Jehovah" or any other name. It simply says "a Power" and this Power can be anything other than myself.
This step shows hope. It demonstrates that willingness to believe in a Higher Power serves as a key piece in having our lives restored. It shows hope in that if it is our Higher Power's will, then indeed, sanity can and will be restored. In taking this step, we begin our search to tap into this Power. This search continues throughout taking the rest of the 12 steps, and hopefully throughout the rest of our lives. Willingness to believe in our Higher Power's ability to restore our lives is an anchor of our recovery and healing as we work through the steps. An important distinction here is that this Power "could" restore us, rather than "would" restore us. This suggests that restoration to sanity is not automatically given, but requires persistent willingness on our part to LET our Higher Power work in our lives. Our lives have been insanely lived. This step asks us to be willing to allow our Higher Power to heal us since we can not do this by our power.
I struggled with Step 2. For me it meant that I needed to let go of the false illusion that I could run my life and control my eating. I had to admit that I could not turn my life around, despite my best efforts to do so. It also required that I redefine my concept of what my Higher Power is. I had to humble myself to accept that how I had been living was clearly insane and out of control. I needed to start searching for this Power in my life, and stop looking inside myself for all of the answers. I had to learn to let go of my need to control and reach out for help. I had to learn to let my self-reliant walls down and get honest to see that I just could NOT save myself from myself.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Did you have trouble finding your own Higher Power, and accepting that only your Higher Power could heal your life when all your previous efforts had failed?
- How has willingness to believe in a Power greater than yourself opened the door to healing and recovery in your life?
Part Five
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi Everybody! LindaE here, Compulsive Overeater and leader for Mondays during June.
In working my program, Step 3 was both easy and difficult. Easy, because there isn't a lot to **do**. Step 3 is simply making a decision! There is no real work involved. But it is also difficult, because in making a decision there is an implication that some action will follow in the process of carrying out that decision. I learned a long time ago that a decision made without subsequent action brings little or no results. For example, I have made a decision many times to visit my sister, but it wasn't until I picked up the phone, made plane reservations, packed my suitcase, and took the plane that I actually got to see her. The same thing was true for me in program, until I took action based on Step 3, there was little in the way of results. In taking the Third Step, I believe the action needed is two-fold. First, it is the action of working the rest of the steps. Secondly, it is the effort of allowing the God of my understanding to be in charge of my will and my life.
The action I have to take for the rest of the steps is fairly obvious, starting with the Step 4 inventory. But what does it mean to give my will and life to the care of God as I understand Him? That needed a little more thought. First I had to decide what constitutes my "will" and my "life." As is often true with program, I got out my trusty dictionary. "Will" is defined as: "The power of conscious, deliberate action; the faculty by which the mind makes choices and acts to carry them out." In short, basically it refers to my thinking and then acting on those thoughts. "Life" means "The period of an individual's existence between birth and death" and also "A narrative relating the events of a person's lifetime; a biography." Well, a biography talks about what we do, so life can refer to actions. In other words, the God of my understanding is going to be in charge of how I think and how I behave.
Following the decision of Step 3, then, I needed to make an effort to know and then do my Higher Power's will in my life. This meant immediately implementing Step 11 as a part of my life, so that I would have a time in which to talk and then listen to God, to try to know how I was to handle different situations. Allowing time for the Eleventh Step was easy, but learning to comprehend Higher Power's guidance was not. But with practice, I slowly became more adept at understanding direction from my Higher Power and more willing to act on that.
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THE QUESTIONS
- How have I gone about carrying out the decision to give my will and life to the care of God as I understand Him?
- Are there areas of my life I have refused to give to my Higher Power? What are they? Why am I holding on to them?
Part Six
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Good morning, dear friends,
It is my pleasure to share in the BB study on Tuesdays during the Month of June. My name is Shirley G and I am compulsive about food.
"Trust in God and clean house," the BB states. I have it on good authority that in order to "clean house" it's imperative that I trust in God. It is too much of a job for me alone. With my record of rationalizing and fear, to do a 4th step on my own power would be futile. So, armed with the knowledge that I have turned my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding a 4th step is the resulting action of the 3rd step.
I understand the fear that hovers around writing a 4th step. That's the reason I must do it. Fear has been the direct result of self-reliance. I remember finishing the 3rd step with my sponsor and then sitting there at the outside table on her patio, and crying my heart out because I was so afraid of finding out what was in my 4th step. But I also knew that my character defects, (or as she referred to them, "scars,") were standing between God and me. They blocked off the sunlight of the spirit. They had to be set aside if I was to maintain a relationship with God that would lead to recovery from compulsive eating.
Writing an inventory is like writing out a grocery list: I look inside the cupboards to see what is on the shelf. I decide what is no longer useful and needs to be replaced. If something is outdated and no longer of use, it goes in the trash. Those things that are fresh and useful, stay put and is added to. The only way I can take inventory is if God opens my eyes to the cupboard's contents, so I request help and direction from Him. Some items are poison not only to me, but to those whose lives I touch, so I must be rid of them.
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THE QUESTIONS
- What fears linger causing delay of a fourth step inventory?
- How will I deal with these fears?
Part Seven
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hello from Linda S, compulsive overeater and all-around compulsive person, your Wednesday co-chairperson for the month of June.
This very day, one of my sponsorees asked me how to work Step 6. I think this was my Higher Power's way of gently leading me to thoroughly explore this step. The OA 12&12 states that this is a difficult step. I think it means that this is one of the steps, such as Step 3, that we tend to greet with, "Yes, I'm ready! Now what?" and to gloss over it and jump to the next step instead of consciously working this step. When I go up the stairs at home and get into a hurry, maybe trying to skip a step or two, I am likely to slip and fall. The same holds true for our twelve-step program work. We need to work each and every step no matter whether it appeals to us personally. The interior quality or attitude that is required for working this step is willingness. True, anyone who is up to Step 6 has invested a great deal of time in soul searching. It can seem tedious. However, it is worth the effort to actually work this step. So, how do we do that?
According to the Step 6 chapter in the OA 12&12, we are to look at each character defect we have identified in our fourth step inventory and consider what it has done **for** our associates and us as well as what it has done **to** others and us. This is much like sorting through our possessions when we're going to move: For each item, we ask ourselves whether we want to keep it or discard it. We pray for willingness to surrender the defects that we want to keep, those that have served us well but which are now outgrown flaws. As it says on page 57, remind myself, "I'm powerless to rid myself of this trait. I can't, but God can, and I'll let God take it."
One of my sponsorees heard in a meeting that humility is like saying grace before you eat crow. If we are humbly willing to have God remove all the defects of character we've been able to identify through our inventory and sharing it with another person, God and ourselves, we ask God to do so. There is a sample prayer on page 76 of the AA Big Book. It goes, "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." This step calls for humility and patience. We ask God to remove our defects and then we stand back and let Him do as He chooses in His own good time. We do not struggle to change characteristics we've been previously powerless to change. That would be insane wouldn’t it? True, we don't go out and try to exercise that defect to the same degree or even more so than before. We don't try to behave in an uncharitable or boorish way. But, we let God do the actual removal of our shortcomings. We have played God for most of our lives. Now, we resign the aspects of that role that we are still clinging to after taking Step 3 and recommit them to God. In a very real way, step 7 completes the action we started in Step 3.
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THE QUESTIONS
For those of you who have already worked these two steps, please tell us about your experiences.
- What did you actually do or say?
- Did you feel at the time that you had successfully completed these steps?
- What do you think about that now?
- Will you do additional work on these steps?
For those of you who haven't yet worked these steps:
- Why haven't you?
- What holds you back?
- What are your fears?
Part Eight
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Greetings my friends,
I'm Vicki/Brooklyn, recovering from COE and sugar addiction, 1 day at a time, and your Thursday Chairperson for the month of June.
Making this list may not resemble one I would write to Santa Claus, but neither is it a punishment. I write a list of persons I have harmed so that I can be set free from guilt, anxiety and discord.
The harm I've done, in my struggle to survive, also included me. I've done more damage to myself in the long run, so I place my name on top of the list, thus getting it down on paper is a tool I use for the purpose of healing.
Then I strive to become "willing", but not to feel shame, or guilt, or to punish myself. I've had and still have a big dose of pride and defense mechanisms, and now need self-care and readiness to improve my self esteem by taking responsibility for my behaviors, so I can restore relationships with myself, others and the God of my understanding.
I say a short prayer, so I can open myself to an honest understanding of the people I have harmed. I need God's help to let go of my defenses and pride.
Step 8 is about changing my attitude, from hard-heartedness to repairing and healing. I've been so blocked in my ability to give and receive love. It's not about demeaning, or lowering myself, or begging for forgiveness. It's for me to empty myself of the heavy weight I carried--physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I mustn't dash into this. I need to run each and every one through my sponsor, with thoughtful consideration of my misdeeds no matter what was done to me in that situation. I acknowledge that this benefits me, and not necessarily the person I'm making amends to. They may wish to hold on to the situation or event, but I still do the appropriate thing so I can experience a healing and become capable of love.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Are you willing and receptive to making amends to everyone on your list?
- If not, what steps will you take, or have you taken, to facilitate this?
- What fears, if any, are holding you back from taking this step in its entirety?
- Are you willing to forgive yourself?
Part Nine
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi, Robin here, food addict and bulimic.
I'm not up to this step yet but when I think about the people I'd put on my list, I feel afraid to make amends to most of them. I'm very open to looking at my side in all my relationships but the idea of actually sitting down and talking to someone seems very scary. I feel like my parents won't even hear or understand me, that there's no need to ever talk to either of my ex-husbands, that my brother doesn't really care, etc. I can see that my fear centers around other people's reactions, something over which I have no control and which is really no concern of mine anyway. Amends are for me not for them. I'm also afraid that I will use this step to beat up on myself even more than I normally do although I do know that's not what this step is about. I do know that when it's time to do this step, I will know who I need to talk to face-to-face and who I don't and I can talk each on over with my sponsor and most of all I can ask HP for help.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Are there some "amends" which you are afraid to make, or are delaying for reasons other than "harm to others"? Why?
- If you have experienced this hurdle and overcome it, please share with us how you did that.
Part Ten
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi everyone, it's Rose, coe and your Saturday chairperson.
The tenth step is one of my favorite action steps-it always helps me clear my mind, and get straightened out about whatever my part is in whatever the issue is. Over the years I have used several different formats for working the 10th step, and they all have worked quite well. Some have been just sort of stream-of-consciousness writing, and others have been more formal, starting with the third step prayer, and ending with the 7th step prayer.
Lately, I've been doing something one of my OA friends calls a laundry list-sort of a daily written spot-check inventory, listing the resentments and irritations of the day, the fears and anxieties of the day, a gratitude list, and three things that I like about myself. It's not usually crucial to share this kind of a 10th step, although sometimes it really helps.
Most of the time though, I believe that it's really important to share 10th steps with a sponsor or friend, because as with the 4th step, part of what makes me recover is my willingness to share with others the truth about me and my disease.
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THE QUESTIONS
- How have you worked the tenth step?
- What is the way you feel most comfortable with and/or get the most benefit from working this step?
Part Eleven
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 59, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi everyone, I'm Anne, a compulsive overeater and your Sunday co-chairperson.
Step 11 is my lifeline in keeping my connection open with my Higher Power. Step 11 is imperative to do daily if I want to keep my sobriety/abstinence. Step 11 keeps me grounded and centered. Prayer and meditation not only offer self-examination of myself, but they reaffirm my desire to do God's will. I need to work on my character defects daily. Seeking God's will and asking Him for the strength to carry out His will becomes the focus. Step 11 is an exercise in humility and releasing of the ego. I think it is interesting that this step says "praying for His power to carry it out." This again reminds me that I am powerless over doing anything. It is only through God's help that I am able to act. If I stop asking for His will, and stop asking for help in doing it, it would be so easy to turn back to relying on my will, and so easy to slip back into those destructive ways that used to run my life. Prayer and meditation is not about asking God for what I want. It is asking God what it is that HE wants, and asking Him to help align my will and His.
Step 11 is rigorous. The Big Book offers specific, concrete instructions in how to carry it out. Pages 85-88 go into great detail of how to start out our day by asking God to direct our thoughts and action for the next 24 hours. We ask that God specifically help our thinking around the matters of self-pity, dishonesty and self-seeking motives. We do our morning prayer and meditation. When I started working step 11, I began each day with reading pages 86 and 87. I started each day off with a walk as I prayed for God's will and direction for the day. These daily walks soon became a special part of my life, which I looked forward to doing.
During the day, "Thy will be done" becomes our prayer. Whenever doubt or agitation arises, we turn it over. We ask for God's help in showing us the right thought or action. We keep asking for God's guidance and will in every troubling situation that arises and as often as necessary. I have found that God is always there to help as long as I am willing to ask for it and willing to let Him.
Before bed, we review our day and see how we have done that day. Page 86 lists seven specific questions we need to ask ourselves. Once we review our actions, we ask God's forgiveness and ask what corrections do we need to take. This done, my 24 hours are over, and God willing, come morning I will repeat the step again.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Do you find you have or had a resistance to working step 11? If you did, how did you overcome it?
- What specifically do you do to work step 11?
- Do you notice a difference when you don't do step 11 on a daily basis?
Part Twelve
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 60, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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LindaE here, Compulsive Overeater and Monday leader during the month of June.
This is one of my favorite steps and I am so glad I have the opportunity to share on this step. It continues to amaze me the power of those few words and how they have impacted my life. During my time in program, my emphasis on the sections of thus step has changed, until at long last Step Twelve as a whole speaks to me.
The first part of Step 12 reads: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps." To me, this tells me that the point of the previous 11 steps is to bring me to contact with the God of my understanding with a goal of a spiritual awakening. The Appendix on page 569 defines the spiritual awakening as a "personality change sufficient to bring about recovery." So if I have been diligently working my program and living the steps, I will have **changed** and will no longer be quite the same person as I was when I began. For me, this has been true. Oh, I'm still the same person in many ways and there are many, many more changes needed, but there have been both large and small alterations in my approach to life.
The second part of the step reads: "we tried to carry this message to alcoholics (compulsive overeaters)". This tells me that in working the program it is my responsibility to share the news of recovery from Compulsive Overeating with others. To me, that means being open with those I encounter in my daily life about my membership in OA and about the recovery received from this program. It took me about 4 months to be willing to speak with co-workers and friends about OA. Initially I was somewhat embarrassed about it and ashamed of my participation. Why? I don't know. But before long it felt like I was keeping this enormous secret about a major part of my life, and I elected to "come out of the closet" and to tell people about my participation in the program. Now, it is as much a part of my life as the fact that I have brown hair and wear glasses. It is just a part of who I am, and most people who know me beyond the most casual relationship also know that I am a member of OA.
The last section reads: "practice these principles in all our affairs." This says to me that I must live the program not just in the rooms or where it is comfortable and easy, but throughout the day, every day -- at work, at the supermarket, at my doctor, at church, at home with my family. In each and every contact and relationship I must live in recovery -- my program isn't something I do just part of the time, but it is a way of life.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Have I had a spiritual awakening through working the steps?
- How has the personality change manifested itself in my life?
- In what ways do I carry the message of the OA program?
- How do I go about practicing these principles in all my affairs?
Part Thirteen
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 60, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Many of us exclaimed, 'What an order! I can't go through with it.' Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description to the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before an after make clear three pertinent ideas:
a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
c) That God could and would if He were sought."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Dear BB Study Friends,
What an order. Me go through with it??? My sentiments exactly. When I looked at the whole picture overall, I knew I could not pay the price. All those steps required were that I change my whole life. I only wanted to get slim, not work too hard. After all, I was used to doing things that were easy and soft. This didn't appear to be so. Living the principles of these steps in all my affairs? I just wanted a good diet!
But, the longer I stuck around and the more I went back out and practiced my disease, the more I was convinced that I was indeed that "human power" that could not relieve me of my own food addiction. And, that my best efforts got me to this unmanageable state of my life. I had to somehow, tap into a Power somewhere that would give me what was necessary to live a sane, productive life. And, as I learned to let go of self-will and seek God's direction, I was indeed given power on a daily basis to handle what was in front of me. I was not given insight into my whole disease, except by one step at a time, and only as I put into action the seeking out of a Higher Power. It seemed as if abstinence from compulsive overeating, while deliberate in the beginning, became a by-product of living in the solution. It remains so today.
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THE QUESTIONS
- What was your impression of this program at first glance?
- Were you disappointed to see no food plan?
- How did you think you could get back to a normal way of life without focusing on a diet?
- What was your spiritual condition at that time and how is it different today?
Part Fourteen
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 60-61, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Greetings from Linda S., your Wednesday co-chairperson for the month of June as well as a highly compulsive overeater, plus an all around compulsive person, control freak and benevolent dictator and a real brat sometimes when I don't get my way.
I can well relate to this reading. Although I have committed my life to my Higher Power, little aspects of it keep coming loose, much as tendrils of hair come out of a bun or pony tail. Or, they were never truly handed over at all. The longer I work my program, the more selfish aspects I discover. I don't believe this means my behavior is worsening. I think I am just better able to see myself as I am when I am abstinent and thus sober. Each year, I am on the steering committee for our town's annual women's weekend. Through years of being on the committee, I have risen to the position of chairperson of the hosting the subcommittee. That means that I and a small band of hand-picked women, under my direction, divide the town into districts and each of us is to ask each business in our district for donations for the goody bags each woman receives and for door prizes. I'll never forget what happened several years ago. After I had toiled at this job for six months, the subcommittee came together to pool our offerings. I had collected five big Rubber maid tubs full. One woman had a door prize from her aunt's business and nothing else. One had a small basket of samples from her workplace and nothing else. The third woman had done a wonderful job of gathering supplies but she gathered them several days after the rest of us had pooled our offerings, on the starting date for our weekend. The day of the event, and for that matter, the entire weekend, found me angry, crabby, totally stressed out and acting altogether rude, loud, unstable and scary. When I told my OA sponsor how I had freaked out, she told me that I should have done my job to the best of my ability and not to expect that of the other women. I should only look at the quality of my work. But, my ego had been bruised. The other women had made me look bad and I was consequently very upset. I wanted everyone at the event to know how these other members had, in my estimation, failed to fulfill their responsibilities.
I am an avid garage saler and self-proclaimed expert at it. In actuality, I am a hunter/gatherer who shops garage sales as if my life depended upon it. This goes well beyond being a fun activity. I pre-plan my strategy. Then, armed with my list, I get into the car. Once in the car, any benevolence stops as I yell, with my windows closed and air conditioner on, at the other drivers for being too slow and for parking badly. If a friend wants to accompany me, I acquiesce but feel imposed upon. She doesn't like to get up as early as I do so I shop a bit and then go get her or, she sees friends at the sales and stands around having long-winded conversations with them while I am impatiently waiting to sale on. I feel very competitive toward the other shoppers. The early bird **does** get the worm.
I used to invite large crowds of people in for dinner and prepare a feast. I'd spend days in preparation and end up exhausted on the day of the meal. I'd be offended when people got so involved in their dinner conversation that they wouldn't have noticed if I'd fed them cardboard! How dare they be unaware of how hard I had worked! When I think about it, it is good that they valued the conversation more than the food. They had the proper perspective. I didn't. It is evident that my life certainly was no success. Most days now, I am at peace with everyone. I've even managed to befriend several former enemies. Although I often feel that I'm the pro and know the best way to do things, I usually keep my big mouth shut. I have a more "live and let live" attitude than previously. I am still a work in progress. How about you?
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THE QUESTIONS
- Share some examples of how your own life was (or still is) run on self-will.
- Has the number and quality of your conflicts with others decreased since coming into program? Why do you suppose that is?
Part Fifteen
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 61-62, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?"
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi, I'm Brooklyn, recovering from COE and sugar addiction, 1 day at a time.
I thank the Almighty that I am willing today to go and listen and be part of, and not the whole of, anything.
It wasn't always like this. I believe my greatest fear was that if I didn't control my surroundings, which included all people, places and things, my plans would be ruined and my life would be devoid of the happiness I so richly deserved. :)
I still love to plan...just ask my sponsor how he has to listen to my plans for next year and possibly the next century. However, the difference today is that I plan for tomorrow and live in today.
I made a career of convincing everyone whom I believed could further my selfish, self-seeking goals, by giving them a song and dance on how my ideas for the project, the dream vacation, the car, the house, the entertainment, would be so much better for THEM. I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it, and I ran roughshod over anyone who stood in my way. Is it any wonder my life was in shambles and my denial system was firmly in place?
I still want things, set goals, and want to be sure everything is still going smoothly, but I resigned from the job of higher power, for which I was never qualified, and my new description is Loving Child of God. I am in the process of giving up, giving out, and giving the right of way to my Creator.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Do you now, or have you ever, feared that your life would result in chaos unless you controlled others' lives, to achieve your own selfish goals?
- How do you recognize when you are manipulating others to achieve these goals?
- What steps do you take to rectify it?
Part Sixteen
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 62, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hello everyone, Chris here COE and co-chairperson for Fridays in June.
I have spent a good deal of the last 10 years or so feeling sorry for myself. I was unable to cope. I was depressed. My health was going downhill. I really did wallow in it. I never thought of it as self -centeredness because I always had something or someone to blame. I had given up hope if my life ever changing. I went into therapy for the first time in my life 18 months ago and I learned there that my problems were not of my making but because of my horrible childhood filled with neglect and abuse.
I was so wrapped up in my problems and misery that I did not see the one thing I needed. Simply the willingness to change. No amount of therapy or anti-depressant pills could show me the simple solution; I found out in OA. And even when I realized what the solution was, I was not willing to do what was necessary. I have used up a lot of energy these past few months lamenting the fact that I could not connect to my HP. Many of you have been suffering along with me.
I am now willing to change, to accept that there is HP even if I do not understand who or what it is at this time in my life, and to do what is necessary to effect that change. I am very grateful.
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THE QUESTIONS
- In what way were you self-centered before coming to OA?
- How did you overcome this self-centeredness?
Part Seventeen
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 62-63, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi it's Rose, coe and Saturday chair.
When I think back to my first experiences of letting go and letting God, I still can feel that overwhelming sense of relief and real power. It was not the power that denial had over me or the false sense power of that comes from trying to control the uncontrollable, but the real sense of " I can do this, with God’s help". The feelings of fear and hopelessness just left. I can remember suddenly understanding that the job I had at the time I got in recovery was completely toxic, and I had to quit, and the work I wanted to do just sort of being there for me to accept. It was all along, but I had not had the courage or ability to just quit. With God's help, I was able to clearly and simply state my needs to my old employers and tell them that I felt sure I was never going to get those needs met in the job I had-they completely agreed. They were very upset with me for leaving, but I didn't take it on, because my HP protected me from my urge to be a co-dependent. I have had the experience of God's protection and care on many occasions, but especially when I am totally willing to let go.
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THE QUESTIONS
Reflect on some experiences that you've had when you've been totally willing to let go and let God. If this hasn't occurred, why do you think that is?
Part Eighteen
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 63, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: ' God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!' We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.
We found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person, such as our wife, best friend or spiritual adviser. But it is better to meet God alone than with one who might misunderstand. The wording was, of course, quite optional so long as we expressed the idea, voicing it without reservation. This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hello Big Book loopies,
I'm Anne, a compulsive overeater and co-chairperson for Sunday.
Step 3 is all about SURRENDER. I shudder sometimes when I think about how I took the Third Step. I did not take it humbly or without reservations. I came to my Higher Power in total desperation and fear. I merely had a willingness to let Him have control for that one day. I told Him I would only do this for this one day and if things didn't work out, then tomorrow, I'd go right back to being in charge. (Ah, the arrogance and defiance I possessed!) The next day the decision came again if I wanted to take this 3rd step again. I agreed to turn my will over again -still contingent to how things worked out. Each passing day, I agreed to turn my will over...and so on and so on. My arrogance and defiance subsided rather quickly as they were replaced with humility and willingness. Within one week, I committed to actually working the OA program and found a sponsor and committed to being abstinent. I finally realized that my will and attempts to control my life and other's lives had never worked. I came to accept that God's way worked whereas my way had miserably failed. It became easier for me to turn my will over daily, and surrender became a way of life.
I am fairly confident that my turning of my will over to my Higher Power did not seem like the humbling surrender without reservation that the Big Book describes. However, it was still taking the Third step, in that there was surrender-albeit grudgingly on my part. I think that the actual words did not matter since I believe my Higher Power saw into my heart and could see the sincerity behind my arrogance and fear. The third step prayer is now something I can say, with total conviction and humility. It is the model of surrender, which I use to keep me on track. It is also a prayer, which I have truly come to love and freely say every day.
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THE QUESTIONS
- How did you come to surrender your will to your Higher Power's will?
- Did you use the Third Step prayer or did you find other words?
- Did you find that it was a gradual process or were you able to turn your will over all at once?
Part Nineteen
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 63-64, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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My name is Linda and I am a Compulsive Overeater and the leader for Mondays during the month of June.
The first word in the above paragraphs is "next". I always feel as though it should be italicized or in caps or something, because it is so powerful. For me, starting off on the fourth step is part of how I carry out my decision to turn my will and life over to the God of my understanding. The BB says: "Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us." This appears to confirm my idea. A decision is one thing, but without action I am not going to make much progress. The idea of the fourth step inventory is to help me build on the decision by discovering the traits I have that block me from God, and then ridding myself of those traits. Where I discover the traits is in the Step 4 inventory.
The fourth step was a time for me to really look at myself -- to discover what my personal stock-in-trade was. The comparison to a business inventory was one that helped me, because I have taken a business inventory as part of work. During the inventory, part of the job was to see what items were selling, and what was taking space but was not selling -- was a liability rather than an asset to the business. The liabilities we wanted to rid ourselves of because they cost money, rather than brought in income. They took shelf space and business assets, which could be devoted to goods that were desired by customers. On the other hand, the assets were those goods that sold well, and brought in additional income. We wanted to stock more of the assets.
In my life, it is my liabilities that are my character defects. These traits cause problems in my life and block me from God. The assets are those good traits that make me valuable as a wife, daughter, co-worker, employee, and citizen. Those traits that bring me closer to God as I understand Him. In business, I can't rid myself of liabilities until I know what they are. That is why I need to take inventory. The same thing is true in my life. I don't really know my liabilities or my assets until I am willing to look at my life honestly and objectively. I need to be willing to discover the truth about my life, seeing my life clearly, accepting responsibility for my part in things, without assigning blame to others or taking it on myself when I am not at fault.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Have I been willing to take an honest look at myself in doing a personal inventory or has fear been blocking me from discovering my true stock-in-trade?
- How have I dealt with my fears of this step?
Part Twenty
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 64-65, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our own make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
Resentment is the 'number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were ‘burned up.’"
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Good morning dear friends, Shirley G gratefully here with the assignment for Tuesday.
"All forms of spiritual disease." Now if that isn't a mouthful. I note that the phrase does not read "all forms of religions." I also was reminded that the spiritual malady from which we suffer is first on the priority list to be addressed. Again, I note that it does not say "get your food plan in order, clear up your mind, and then look at your relationship with God." I can see that oftentimes we get religion confused with spirituality. I know I did. Today I understand spirituality takes on many forms. For instance, what recently showed up for me on this step was, pride. That's a spiritual malady for sure, when it's carried to extreme. Then there is security. I had to take a look at exactly at whom my security was being directed. Another was self-esteem, and yet another was self-sufficiency (as opposed to God-sufficiency). As you can see, this has nothing to do with religion, but instead a deep, inside spiritual aspect of my being. Spirituality. The God of my understanding has operated like a light switch. Until He turns the switch on, I am in the dark and cannot see the obstacles in my pathway. As He switches on the power, I see these stumbling blocks in the way and can remove them, cut them down to size, or set them aside, much like I would do if a boulder were in my pathway on a hiking trail. If all I do is resent the darn thing for being there, I'm stuck. Resentments are indeed "the number one offender” however, I can do nothing without the Power of my Higher Power, and yet that alone won't get the job done. I must do the footwork. This takes rigorous honesty on my part-not because I'm bad and need to get good-but because I need a more effective way to live and to travel down life's pathway. When I address “all forms of spiritual disease” that is manifested in my life and work to overcome them, it is only then that I can "straighten out mentally and physically."
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THE QUESTIONS
- Do you, or have you placed your spiritual well being first on your list of priorities?
- Would you please describe the role of the God of your understanding, as you have experienced it, and tell us how you and He work together to find recovery?
Part Twenty-One
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 65-66, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?
We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Greetings from Linda S., your co-chairperson for Wednesdays in June and both a very compulsive overeater and person and a resentful person.
A grudge list is actually a list of resentments. These are indignant or angry feelings we hold against another person, circumstance or action. We usually feel them with an accompanying sense of self-righteousness. Since we believe we have a perfect right to feel this way, we tend to hold onto and nurture these feelings in the same way we would a newborn baby. We likely don't want to drop them. I am a poor candidate to write about this type of inventory because the only time I worked this format was at an OA retreat two years ago. Our speaker had a chart for us to fill out on resentments plus one on fear and one on our sexual conduct. Whereas I filled out my fear’s chart and could probably have easily included a second page, and I filled out my sexual conduct sheet, the one on resentments remains blank. Her chart is a little fancier than the one in the book but similar except that it includes a fourth column. In this column, the words "selfish," "dishonest," "self-seeking," and "frightened" were included also. The accompanying question was: "Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" We were directed to disregard the other person and look only at where we had done wrong. A little prayer at the bottom reads, "God, please help me show the same tolerance, pity and patience I would cheerfully grant a sick friend."
In the first format that I did work, I indeed noticed that a lot of people do wrong. That inventory was mostly about the wrongs of other people and how downtrodden I was. Instead of uncovering my wrongs, it uncovered my excuses, my reasons that it wasn't so bad in my personal case. In those days, I certainly had lots of battles. As the Big Book says, my moments of triumph were brief. Perhaps I harbored such hostility because I was fearful of and on the lookout for future scrapes. Perhaps I viewed others as future adversaries.
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THE QUESTIONS
- The first time you ever did a fourth step inventory, did you have difficulties separating your own wrongs from those of others and admitting your own guilt?
- Have you worked the format in the Big Book and how did you like it?
- What is your favorite format for doing a Fourth Step Inventory?
- What changes can you see in yourself as the result of writing an inventory?
Part Twenty-Two
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 66, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi all, I'm Brooklyn, recovering from COE and sugar addiction, 1 day at a time.
It's co-chair for Thursday time again. Do I resent it? No way !!! I'm honored and grateful for this opportunity. This wasn't always the case. For me, a resentment-free life was as alien to me as living on another planet would be. My name should have been "resentment", since I was the number one offender.
I resented anyone and anything which stood in the way of my comfort and convenience. I had no conception of a higher power who could and would give me solace and relief from my twisted mind and tortured spirit. I used food to "fix or get even" with people in my life. I got rattled at every little remark or criticism made to me, even if it was constructive. I was, in my mind, *sensitive* and you all should be more careful how you treat me. I was a rageaholic, batterer, all-round bitter and lonely individual.
With the love and guided instructions I received in OA, slipping and sliding and taking my will back at every turn, coming back to meetings and resenting everyone there, because they were boring, or uneducated, or dressed shabbily, ad nauseam, I learned acceptance, tolerance and love. Slowly the resentments faded and were replaced by a spiritual connection with Higher Power and fellow OA'ers.
Today I have steps to take to remove my resentments, a sponsor to talk to about my grudges and emotional spasms, and a healthy respect for all of us that are suffering and seeking recovery. It works when I work it, and it DON'T WHEN I WON'T.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Have deep resentments of others ever resulted in an "I'll fix you" type of binge? If so, please describe your feelings and reactions as you recall them.
- What steps do you take, if any, to fend off eating "at" someone with whom you have experienced resentment or anger? Does it work?
Part Twenty-Three
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 66-67, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, ‘This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.’
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hello Chris here, COE and co-chairperson for Fridays in the month of June.
I have usually treated people with kindness and compassion because I want people to think of me as kind and compassionate. However, now that I have started to examine my feelings I know that sometimes when I have acted kindly toward another it has been self-serving; I did it either to make my self feel good or to make others think kindly of me. Before I came to OA I thought this was OK. I felt good and the recipient of my good deeds felt good. I have now learned what it means to be "self-serving" and have a feeling I will be doing a lot of writing for a while!
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THE QUESTIONS
Have you ever acted in a way that appeared to be selfless but was, in fact, self-serving? Please share about it.
Part Twenty-Four
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 67-68, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi it's Rose, your Saturday chair for June.
In earlier parts of this month's study, we looked at how we've done inventory, and the difficulties many of us faced in honestly taking stock of what we had done, or even honestly taking stock of what we had not done, but mistakenly believed we had. A big part of that difficulty was fear-fear of the truth, fear of people, fear of everything, really. In doing my step 6 inventory, I've found that fear is at the root of a host of other character defects-denial, self-pity, self-seeking, and lots more. It really is an "evil and corroding thread" in the fabric of my life. Often times, I find just sharing my fears and holding them up to the light of open analysis with a caring person is enough to at least help me get some perspective and objectivity on what is scaring me, and then I can turn it over to my HP.
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THE QUESTIONS
Talk about how you have dealt with specific fears that have come up through doing inventory work:
- How did you overcome them?
- Are there some that seem impossible to let go of?
- Why do you think that is?
Part Twenty-Five
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 68, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi all, I'm Anne a compulsive overeater and your Sunday co-chair.
Fear. For me, fear was a dreaded feeling and state of being which ruled my life. My stubborn self-reliance inevitably led to my many failures. Since I only trusted myself, I would not allow anyone else to help me. This set me up to fail again and again. Sometimes I would become overly self-reliant and cocky, and think that I had it all together. A good example of this would be my 75-pound relapse in 1997. Fear of failing or losing what I had would cause me to hoard or hold back from enjoying what I had. Sometimes I would hold onto what I had so hard, that I would lose it. I lost many relationships due to my excessive need to control and hold onto them.
The Big Book states that relying and trusting in God, rather than ourselves, will give us serenity. By putting faith in my Higher Power, by acting according to His will rather than mine and by letting go of any attempts to control the outcome, I am given freedom from fear. Removing myself from the director's chair and letting the Master Director do His job, means that I no longer need to live in a state of chaos and fear. The play (my life) is fully under control according to His script and directions- not mine. Nothing happens in the plan that the Director cannot handle.
Today, I am reminded that everything I have comes from my Higher Power. My recovery, my abstinence, my health, my peace of mind, my relationships, my material possessions, my very life itself - these are truly gifts from my Higher Power. Should I think they are mine to own and to keep, I believe Higher Power will give me small reminders and tests to remind me of WHO is in charge. (I certainly know He has done so in the past.) For me to fear losing any of what I have implies that I am not trusting in my Higher Power's plan for me, or that only He can provide me what I truly need. I have often heard it said that fear is the absence of faith. For today, may I be reminded WHO to place my faith in.
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THE QUESTIONS
- How has fear played a role in your life?
- How has fear held you back from becoming the person God wants you to be?
- Can you cite a specific example (or examples) of something that happened that would have normally put you in a state of panic, but didn't because Higher Power was in control of the situation?
- Did everything work out for your best interest in the long run?
Part Twenty-Six
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 68-69, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes - absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?"
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi everyone, LindaE here, leader for Monday's during June.
This is a difficult share for me to write, because there are so many things covered in the reading and so many directions I could go -- focus on sex, focus on God, focus on fear. So I'm going to ask God to be in charge of this one, and we'll see where I end up.
The purpose of program and recovery is for each one of us to develop a relationship with God as we may understand Him. My concept of God may not be the same as that of anyone else, and it does not matter as long as my understanding of God works for me. It is through God that I am able to overcome fear, resentments, defects and stop hurting people, myself included.
Before program I was filled with fears, and also with resentments, and didn't even realize it. I hurt people constantly, and was unaware. If you had asked me what kind of person I was, I would have said I was a very giving, caring and loving person. I just couldn't see all these things about myself. More than anything, I really couldn't see those fears. Sure, I was afraid of heights and I knew at one time I was afraid of people but thought I had overcome that. I did not see that I went through each day terrified in so many other ways -- fearful of authority figures, of being seen, of people knowing who I really was. The thought of dropping my facade of calm authority, of good cheer and of helpfulness would never have occurred to me. Wasn't that who I really was? I didn't even know that. I held people at arm's length so they wouldn't really know me -- so they could not get too close to me. In just the same way, I held God at arm's length. And I didn't even know it -- with people OR with God.
Why did I react that way? Because I could not trust. I didn't trust people -- they would see who I was -- and that there really was nothing there. They would discover how flawed I was, that I had no skills or intelligence or anything to offer, and they would know that I was really worthless and awful. I think I feared the same thing with God in that I would be punished or hurt because of how bad I was.
So I went through life watching other people, and trying to imitate them. If I wasn't sure of what was expected, I quietly watched, learned, and then acted as I thought I was to behave. There really wasn't a contact with God, and certainly He was not in charge. In a way, both Linda and the world were in charge. Me-because I made the final choices-but also the world because I tried to become whatever the world wanted. This applied to every area of my life -- to sex, to work, to beliefs, to diet, to where I lived, what I wore, how I thought.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Why is it impossible for God to direct my life when I am filled with fears or distrust?
- How has fear and distrust blocked me from God in the past?
- What blocks God from directing my life now?
- How has my level of trust in God changed?
- What happened to cause this change?
Part Twenty-Seven
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 69, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hello Dear Friends, Shirley G here with Tuesday's BB assignment.
It never ceases to amaze me how this BB speaks to me personally. Sometimes it seems as if each sentence is written for me. Today is no exception.
The last inventory I took pointed to a lot of distrust. This in turn created self-centeredness. I think I have to do it all myself when I don't trust completely. That's a heavy load to carry. Getting it down on paper right in front of me was a gigantic help because I could look at the situation more objectively and more realistically. As long as these things remain inside, I can't see the whole picture. I only feel the pain. There is something about writing that takes it from inside me where it hurts, and puts it on the page where it can be dealt with. There it becomes manageable. On the page it's much easier to see reality.
About sex-well, I'm all for it. However, just like every other significant area of my life, it must come from the base of love or it means nothing. Sex without spiritually connecting with my mate, is simply not satisfying. In fact, this part of my life is one of the most significant as it pertains to my relationship with God. I can't explain it, but I know what it's like not to connect spiritually and still have sex and it's very degrading. Every aspect of my life that has a spiritual base is better. Oftentimes I try to go my own way, and when I do, it's always by God's Grace that I return to trust and allow a decision for faith to point me in the right direction once again.
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THE QUESTIONS
- What part does spirituality play in a "sane and sound ideal" for your sex life?
- What part of your own conduct has changed since writing a 4th step inventory?
Part Twenty-Eight
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 69-70, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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“Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Greetings from Linda S, a compulsive person, a selfish person where sex is concerned, and your Wednesday co-chairperson for the month of June.
Well, folks, there are only two people I could stand to make amends to in the realm of sex. One is my husband and the other is myself. Both of us married five days before he had to enter the US Army. It was months before we got to begin living together in Texas. Both of us were virgins until our wedding night. That's why there is nobody else to make amends to. For me, sex was mostly for having children. I wanted biological children badly but never really stressed that to my husband. I was selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate. Sex was all about what I wanted. Yet, as with wanting biological children, I didn't often say what I wanted, thus cheating myself out of the chance to get what I wanted. My husband wasn't very good at reading my mind. This is an area in which my immaturity is so evident. I should have opted for clear communication instead of being shy and mysterious. The Big Book says that thinking about what is good for the other person is a way to come out of my selfishness. In fact, thinking about what others need should be a good way of coming out of generalized selfishness too.
The Big Book cautions against doing more harm by making an amends. This is especially true in the realm of sex. Showing up on someone's husband's porch with the news that we are sorry for something the wife does not know about makes more harm and is to be avoided at all costs. Still, the only time we are allowed to weasel out of an amends is when it would cause greater harm. If we are unsure how to proceed, we pray to God for guidance and we can talk to another person such as our sponsor, our spiritual director or our counselor. We are not supposed to avoid this aspect of our inventory just because it is unpleasant for us personally.
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THE QUESTIONS
- If you have not made all the amends you need to make for sexual wrongs, what is holding you back?
- Did/do you find this harder or scarier than making amends for other kinds of wrongs? How did you go about making your sexual amends?
Part Twenty-Nine
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 70, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: we earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hi all, I'm Brooklyn, recovering from COE and sugar addiction, 1 day at a time, co-chairing Thursdays in June, and privileged to be posting questions for Thursdays in July.
Holy cow!!! What's a nice girl from Brooklyn doing talking about sex? Or is it really about sex? For me, for many years it was sex for love, and sex to stuff feelings when food wasn't available. What sex was about for me was an old wives tale about women doing it just to satisfy men and not having to like it. During my promiscuous days, I was too drunk to remember who, when or where, so making amends to faceless individuals was useless. My first husband was a sex addict who molested my daughter and I cheated on him, but he's passed on to his just reward, so that took care of that amend.
My current husband is a sex addict and I've used sex to try and cajole him out of lusting for other women, but that never worked, so I just gave up on sex for now and decided that God will straighten out my head, cause I sure can't. I would have killed my husband by now, but it would have ruined my abstinence and serenity. No folks, sex for me was about instant gratification and approval; it was purely an escape, another way to hide from God, because it wasn't loving and I felt ashamed; a way to be held and seemingly loved, if only for that few moments.
I owe myself the biggest amend, because I cheated myself out of loving relationships and opted instead for the cheap thrill of the moment. I also used being fat as an excuse not to have sex. When I'm thin, I feel very sexy and it scares the hell out of me.
Today I live in the only solution that works for me. I don't "use" anything to block out the light of God in my life. I hope that someday I'll have the ability to love appropriately and have that love returned in kind. Working with others has been my salvation, and being sponsored keeps my nose to the grindstone, so I won't get complacent or sloppy about working the steps.
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THE QUESTIONS
- Is your sexuality heightened when you are abstinent and more in touch with your feelings and body, or lessened when compulsively overeating?
- Do you fear that sexual acting out in an inappropriate manner could be a serious setback to your abstinence and serenity? If so, what steps do you find necessary to take to prevent this from happening?
- Having made amends for inappropriate sexual behavior, do you now perceive your sexuality as a gift from God?
Part Thirty
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 5, "How It Works", page 70-71, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "How It Works"
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"If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.
In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself."
. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book
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Hello, Chris here and co-chairperson for Fridays.
I have learned some big chunks of truth about myself and am not sure if I have swallowed/digested it all yet. One of the things I have learned (along with many defects) is that I am basically good. I have hated myself for so long and blamed myself for everything that went wrong around me that I forgotten that I can make mistakes and still be ok. I am very forgiving and supportive of my family when they make their mistakes. I tell them to learn by them and not to feel guilty. All the while I have been consumed with guilt and, not wishing anyone to know that, I have looked for somewhere to place blame. My list of resentments and defects is long, but nothing on that list has had as much impact on me as my realization that I am okay.
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THE QUESTIONS
What was the "truth" that you learned about yourself, in recovery, which had the most impact on you?
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