Chapter Eight
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives*", page 104, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"*Written in 1939, when there were few women in AA, this chapter assumes that the alcoholic in the home is likely to be the husband. But many of the suggestions given here may be adapted to help the person who lives with a woman alcoholic - whether she is still drinking or is recovering in AA. A further source of help is noted on page 121.
With few exceptions, our book thus far has spoken of men. But what we have said applies quite as much to women. Our activities in behalf of women who drink are on the increase. There is every evidence that women regain their health as readily as men if they try our suggestions.
But for every man who drinks others are involved - the wives who tremble in fear of the next debauch; the mother and father who see their son wasting away.
Among us are wives, relatives and friends whose problem has been solved, as well as some who have not yet found a happy solution. We want the wives of Alcoholics Anonymous to address the wives of men who drink too much. What they say will apply to nearly everyone bound by ties of blood or affection to an alcoholic."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
So glad to be here - it really keeps me involved. When my kids start their new school year I always feel a sense of a new beginning.
I am grateful that I, too, have a new beginning. This feels like the most difficult section of the BB I have had to do so far, I think because I am an addict and also the spouse of an addict, so I have two perspectives. Before OA my husband and I never talked about my eating or my health, which was deteriorating rapidly. I would occasionally start some new diet or go to Weight Watchers and enthusiastically tell him all about it. He seemed supportive but I know now that he had given up any hope of me finding a solution.
I think that compulsive overeating is different from alcoholism in that most people would talk to an alcoholic and encourage them to get help. Since compulsive overeating is not widely recognized as a disease, the subject is more taboo and we are often thought of just greedy and lacking in willpower. To approach us would be to accuse us of being those things.
Now that both my husband and I are in 12 step programs we do talk about our compulsions, with understanding and compassion. For me, the ‘coming out’ and admitting my problem helped me more than anything to go forward with the steps and find recovery. The most important thing we have discovered is that neither one of us is responsible for the other's addiction. We have eliminated a lot of the blame and shame.
Hi, Chris here, COE and Friday co-chairperson.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 104-105, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"As wives of Alcoholics Anonymous, we would like you to feel that we understand as perhaps few can. We want to analyze mistakes we have made. We want to leave you with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness too great to be overcome.
We have traveled a rocky road, there is no mistake about that. We have had long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding and fear. These are not pleasant companions. We have been driven to maudlin sympathy, to bitter resentment. Some of us veered from extreme to extreme, ever hoping that one day our loved ones would be themselves once more."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Brenda here COE and your Saturday co-chair for the month of September.
Our loved ones have hopes. My family has tried bribing me to lose weight, teasing me to lose weight and lecturing me to lose weight. They have watched while I spent hours trying to stuff my feelings with food. They have prepared the food for the special diet menus. They have watched me eat only liquid meal supplements. They have been there to watch me go through mood swings and to pick me up when kids at school teased me so much I was broken hearted.
The one thing they cannot understand is my turning to OA. Why more meetings? Why more service?
The fear always was, and continues to be there: fear that I could die from my weight because of health problems in the family and fear that I will gain more weight.
I know the solution to their problem as well as my own. They are powerless over me, as I am powerless over food once I take the first bite.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 105, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"Our loyalty and the desire that our husbands hold up their heads and be like other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments. We have been unselfish and self-sacrificing. We have told innumerable lies to protect our pride and our husbands' reputations. We have prayed, we have begged, we have been patient. We have struck out viciously. We have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terror stricken. We have sought sympathy. We have had retaliatory love affairs with other men.
Our homes have been battle-grounds many an evening. In the morning we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men and we have done so with finality, only to be back in a little while hoping, always hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would. Then, in days, weeks, or months, a fresh outburst.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hello Loopies,
My name is Anne, and I am a compulsive overeater. Today’s reading reminds me of the impact compulsive eating has had not only on my life but also on my spouses. Personally, I know that his efforts to control or help my addiction when it was swinging out of control all failed miserably. Like the Big Book mentions, he spent a lot of energy trying to "turn" me around and save me. When he could not help me in my disease, the frustration often would often result in arguments. As my eating swung more out of control, so too did my personal life and my personal relationships. By the same token, the vows I made to myself to stop overeating often failed. I became engaged in a mental tug-of-war, hoping and praying for my behavior to cease but to no avail.
I know that my spouse endured much anguish in watching me going through my disease. It was painful for him to watch me killing myself with food. I would often lie to him and tell him I was eating right, only to be sneaking it behind his back. Things would never sail along smoothly; the disease was always amidst the relationship causing pain and turmoil.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 105-106, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"We seldom had friends at our homes, never knowing how or when the men of the house would appear. We could make few social engagements. We came to live almost alone. When we were invited out, our husband sneaked so many drinks that they spoiled the occasion. If, on the other hand, they took nothing, their self-pity made them killjoys.
There was never financial security. Positions were always in jeopardy or gone. An armored car could not have brought the pay envelopes home. The checking account melted like snow in June."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hello my friends. LindaE here, compulsive overeater and continuing as leader on Mondays during this month.
I am so happy the authors of the Big Book saw fit to include the chapter to the wives as part of their book. I am quite certain it has helped many wives and families of alcoholics over the years, and very likely has helped families and friends affected by other addictions. As someone pointed out earlier, in OA we don't tend to be so involved with families of other compulsive overeaters. Often we don't even meet them. For me, the value of this chapter lies in helping me to see the effect my eating had on those around me. When I read this chapter, I can REALLY see myself in some of the descriptions.
In today's reading, I was struck by the reference to drinking at social events. How often did I ruin social occasions because of my eating? So many times I worried or fretted over my appearance before leaving. Was I fatter than the last time people saw me? Did I have something appropriate to wear? Would it fit? If I lost weight I wanted to impress with how lovely I looked. It was insanity. Just getting ready was a nightmare. Then when I got there, I was worried about eating. If on a diet I would scrutinize every item at the buffet. If not, I fretted over what people would think if they saw me eating. My obsession destroyed the event for both my husband and I. There were even several I refused to attend using an excuse of health when the reason was I didn't want to face people due to embarrassment over my size. So, instead, I stayed home and ate. Was this insanity? You bet!
Then there was the issue of money. How many times did my profligate spending rob us of funds that could have been put to better use. The money sometimes just flew through my hands, going for food, diet clubs, gyms, exercise equipment, new clothes or just to spend. It was a form of escape and inconsiderate. Often I didn't ask or discuss -- I just spent the money, rationalizing that I earned it, I could spend it.
So much of this has changed in program. I no longer obsess about the clothes and appearance. I go to social events to be with people I care about, and making an impression or what they think of me is beside the point. In money matters, I still sometimes make impulse purchases, but there is much more thought about it and major decisions are much more likely to be discussed with my husband so they are a joint decision. This is one area that still needs work, but the improvement is so vast it is incredible.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 106, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"Sometimes there were other women. How heart-breaking was this discovery;
how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!
The bill collectors, the sheriffs, the angry taxi drivers, the policemen, the bums, the pals, and even the ladies they sometimes brought home - our husbands though we were so inhospitable. ‘Joykiller, nag, wet blanket’ - that’s what they said. Next day they would be themselves again and we would forgive and try to forget."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, I'm Phil, a grateful compulsive overeater in recovery.
This is a particularly interesting and somewhat difficult section of the BB for me. It makes me work on the issue of being both victim and victimizer.
My story: Married almost 2 decades, I found out 2 years ago that my wife was having an affair. We had interesting sexual issues, one of mine being a sexual anorexic at times, being married to a sex addict who was most definitely NOT in recovery.
At that point in time, I was slightly overweight, I began to compulsively overeat while I worried about my wife's shenanigans, and worked with her while she pretended to be in SA and in therapy.
The next year was emotionally stressful, because I hoped we were rebuilding our marriage, yet my growing insecurity in keeping her blinded me to what I was doing to medicate the pain by becoming a COE.
At the end of that year, I discovered she had been playing with others all along, even when she was supposed to be going to meetings. I ended it. That was one year ago. And folks, that is the SHORT version.
So, in this section, I am confronted with being "the spouse" in another addiction (wife's SA issues) and the addict in my COE, receding from a healthy relationship from my spouse (and vice versa), from myself, and from my Higher Power, as I increasingly drugged myself with food. In doing so, I made myself much less attractive to a wife I could not keep, and was caught in a spiral of self-hating addictive behavior and self-defeating behavior, until I began to work the program.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 106, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"We have tried to hold the love of our children for their father. We have
told small tots that father was sick, which was much nearer the truth than
we realized. They struck the children, kicked out door panels, smashed
treasured crockery, and ripped the keys out of pianos. In the midst of such
pandemonium they may have rushed out threatening to live with the other
woman forever. In desperation, we have even got tight ourselves - the drunk
to end all drunks. The unexpected result was that our husbands seemed to
like it.
Perhaps at this point we got a divorce and took the children home to father and mother. Then we were severely criticized by our husband's parents for desertion. Usually we did not leave. We stayed on and on. We finally sought employment ourselves as destitution faced us and our families."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Greetings from Linda S, your co-chairperson for Wednesdays in this month and
a very compulsive overeater and someone who finds much in this reading to
relate to, I’m sad to say.
There are other readings that I would far rather relate to. This is not a pretty reading. My commentary won't be pretty either. My husband and I were both abused by our parents and we came to parent as they did. While I was chiefly abusive in an emotional way, my husband was more physical. My husband once strapped one of our sons for telling a bald-faced lie right out of the blue. It is ironic that, whereas both of us valued honesty, we were telling ourselves so many lies--such as that we were good, responsible parents. In our warped viewpoint, it was the rest of the parents that were bad, certainly not us! We expected our children to be so perfect and we worked hard to make them that way. It goes without saying that **we** had glaring faults although we couldn't see them at the time. Both of us overate and both of us were emotionally absent from our children. When our parents came to hear that we had been abusive, they couldn't figure out how we became that way. It is much like the case of the husband's parents blaming the wife for desertion. They cannot face that their child could be the guilty party, or that they hadn’t parented their child very well. After getting help from a psychologist and participating in several hundred hours of classes and personal development work to overcome this tendency, we learned better ways of behaving. But we still weren't as emotionally there with our children as we would have preferred. Perhaps this was the result of the numbing effect of food. I know that, at one time, I had a real problem with daydreaming. When life got difficult, I retreated into a dream world, not a good place to be when needy youngsters are in the home. It too was a method of deadening the pain. Now that our children are grown up and now that we are also grown up, we get along well with our sons. Being in OA has helped because, once out of the food fog, we could see how awful we'd been. I had been in angry, poor me, denial for years. I now parent very gently, realizing that our grown up kids have their own lives to lead and that my job now is to be a friend, not an authority figure.
Thank you for reading my commentary. Writing it was painful but necessary for my recovery from compulsive overeating. You don't know what progress this is for me, the former Queen of Denial. Linda S
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 106-107, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"We began to ask medical advice as the sprees got closer together. The
alarming physical and mental symptoms, the deepening pall of remorse,
depression and inferiority that settled down on our loved ones - these
things terrified and distracted us. As animals on a treadmill, we have
patiently and wearily climbed, falling back in exhaustion after each futile
effort to reach solid ground. Most of us have entered the final stage with
its commitment to health resorts, sanitariums, hospitals, and jails.
Sometimes there were screaming delirium and insanity. Death was often near.
Under these conditions we naturally made mistakes. Some of them rose out of
ignorance of alcoholism. Sometimes we sensed dimly that we were dealing with
sick men. Had we fully understood the nature of the alcoholic illness, we
might have behaved differently."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, my name is Thumper and I'm a compulsive overeater.
I had spent many hours vainly attempting to help my spouse understand that my compulsion to overeat was an illness that I had no power over. The concept of my never being able to have "just one" was lost in the misperception that it takes strength, not surrender, to make progress against it.
Only the thought of impending death as the result of medical complications stemming from my overeating gained any real attention, and even then this respect for the illness only lasted until the physical symptoms had abated. One of the "mistakes" my spouse often made was trying to convince me that I should reward myself for being abstinent by having an occasional food spree, that by doing so I would somehow feel the cravings less during the rest of the year. As most of us have learned, rewarding ourselves with food leads to a horrible return to binge eating.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 107-108, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"How could men who loved their wives and children be so unthinking, so
callous, so cruel? There could be no love in such persons, we thought. And
just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise
us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while, they would be their
old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once
more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would reply with some
silly excuse, or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking. Could we have
been so mistaken in the men we married? When drinking, we were strangers.
Sometimes they were so inaccessible that it seemed as though a great wall
had been built around them.
And even if they did not love their families, how could they be so blind about themselves? What had become of their judgment, their common sense, their will power? Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, Chris here, COE and Friday co-chairperson.
My husband is in a 12 step program for a different addiction and I can relate so well to the heartbreak and inaccessibility. I have a better understanding of his addiction, though, because I have one of my own. I am a compulsive overeater and I also have diabetes. For 5 years my diabetes was completely out of control. I was slowly and surely killing myself. I have 3 children, who are all adopted and still of school age. It did not matter how much I loved them, or how much they needed me. It did not matter how much my husband and other family members loved me. I still continued to eat. I would often make "fresh resolves" in an effort to alleviate the fears and concern of my family. That is why I would try this new diet or that new diet. It was for them, not for me. No matter how much we love others, we cannot defeat this disease for their sake -we must do it for ourselves. I thank God that I understand that about my husband and I hope that one day my children will understand that about me. I plan to be around to explain it to them!
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 108, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"These are some of the questions which race through the mind of every woman
who has an alcoholic husband. We hope this book has answered some of them.
Perhaps your husband has been living in that strange world of alcoholism
where everything is distorted and exaggerated. You can see that he really
does love you with his better self. Of course, there is such a thing as
incompatibility, but in nearly every instance the alcoholic only seems to be
unloving and inconsiderate; it is usually because he is warped and sickened
that he says and does these appalling things. Today most of our men are
better husband and fathers than ever before.
Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hello. I’m Brenda, a compulsive overeater.
I am your chair for Saturdays for the month.
Many people in my family saw me as unloving for the things I put my family through. I disappeared without letting anybody know where I was going. My mood swings when I was trying to lose weight to please others left them unable to be sure what I would say next. I remember at times my mother would say "Oh for heavens sake eat it if it will make you feel better." What they did not understand was that I thought it would make me feel better or at least help me to stop feeling at all.
Today I am a better daughter. I believe that since I came to understand a bit about my disease it is easier to deal with the fact that they don't understand that I am sick.
I am still an “unreasonable person” at times. I want to lose weight now. I want to fit into old clothes that have not fit into for years. I want people to praise my progress. When this happens I know that the answer is to stop and pray. I need to ask God back into my life and let him run the timetable. I need to ask him to help me with patience about when things will happen. I need to ask for some self-acceptance and peace with where I am at today.
Thank you for letting me share.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 108-109, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men are
thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any
difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this
chapter as a club over your head. Don't let him get away with it. If you are
positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave. Is it
right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children? Especially
when he has before him a way to stop his drinking and abuse if he really
wants to pay the price.
The problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four categories:
One: Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. Perhaps he spends too much money for liquor. It may be slowing him up mentally and physically, but he does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his friends. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm, that drinking is necessary in his business. He would probably be insulted if he were called an alcoholic. This world is full of people like him. Some will moderate or stop altogether, and some will not. Of those who keep on, a good number will become true alcoholics after a while."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hello loopies,
My name is Anne and I am a compulsive overeater and your Sunday co-chair.
This passage today struck a nerve for me. First because my dad was the kind of alcoholic as described in this reading. Because it touched a nerve in me, I had to look at why. That's when I realized that just like my dad, I am a compulsive overeater who used food in the same way that my father used alcohol. I used to spend more than I could afford on food. I would eat incessantly for hours at a time and then try to "go on the wagon" and not eat it at all. I believed I could handle sugar and flour, and that my food was a "non issue" in my life. If anyone had called me a compulsive overeater or a food addict, I would have argued strongly and intensely with them. I held onto the idea that I could moderately eat sugar and other foods. I could not admit that I could not stop or that my eating was out of control. I was unable and unwilling to see how much my addiction was impacting my life and no one could have told me anything to the contrary. Additionally, my disease impacted strongly on my family as well.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 109-110, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"Two: Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is unable to stay on
the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand
when drinking. He admits this is true, but is positive that he will do
better. He has begun to try, with or without your cooperation, various means
of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His
business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times, and is becoming aware
that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning
and through the day also, to hold his nervousness in check. He is remorseful
after serious drinking bouts and tells you he wants to stop. But when he
gets over the spree, he begins to think once more how he can drink
moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. These are the
earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly
well. He has by no means ruined everything. As we say among ourselves, ‘He
wants to want to stop.’
Three: This husband has gone much further than husband number two. Though once like number two he became worse. His friends have slipped away, his home is a near-wreck and he cannot hold a position. Maybe the doctor has been called in, and the weary round of sanitariums and hospitals has begun. He admits he cannot drink like other people, but does not see why. He clings to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so. He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop but cannot. His case presents additional questions which we shall try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful of a situation like this.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hello, Family. My name is LindaE, and I am a Compulsive Overeater leading on
Mondays this month.
The discussion of the types of alcoholics/compulsive overeaters is an interesting one to me. It seems like I can relate to all the descriptions to one extent or another. So many things were said that hit home for me!! The description of trying to stop but unable to do so even with the best of intentions. The reality was that I was not the same as other people when it came to food. The various diets, exercise schemes, gym memberships and other methods I used to deal with the food and weight. My eating, weight and food obsession affected all the relationships around me by cutting me off from co-workers, friends and family as I spent more time and energy on the food and efforts to deal with it only to turn back to the food again.
Then there was the worry, the fear, the remorse, the near destruction of my marriage as well as the shame and guilt that this was all happening because of my inability to stop eating. It wasn't until I came to OA that I realized there were other people in the world just like me. I had thought I was truly alone and felt so much shame about it. Hearing other people talk gave me a sense of freedom and also hope, because many of those people talked about the solution. But even better was knowing that I was no longer alone -- that other people had the same problem, because in their stories I was able to find myself.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 110, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
“Four: You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been
placed in one institution after another. He is violent, or appears
definitely insane when drunk. Sometimes he drinks on the way home from the
hospital. Perhaps he has had delirium tremens. Doctors may shake their heads
and advise you to have him committed. Maybe you have already been obliged to
put him away. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our
husbands were just as far gone. Yet they got well.
Let’s now go back to husband number one. Oddly enough, he is often difficult to deal with. He enjoys drinking. It stirs his imagination. His friends feel closer over a highball. Perhaps you enjoy drinking with him yourself when he doesn’t go too far. You have passed happy evenings together chatting and drinking before your fire. Perhaps you both like parties which would be dull without liquor. We have enjoyed such evenings ourselves; we had a good time. We know all about liquor as a social lubricant. Some, but not all of us, think it has its advantages when reasonably used.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, this is Phil, COE.
Food, like booze is a social lubricant, and it can be misused. Parties can be dull without snacks, but how many times have we either done, or seen done by others, the act of inhaling every chip and pretzel, getting down to the celery?
I have often "pigged" out at parties, amazed at what I had done after I had done it. Sometimes, I was conscious of others watching me.
I know my wife despaired of this type of behavior.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 111, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Even
though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him
temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good
temper are most necessary.
Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him - not always another man.
Be determined that your husband's drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under these conditions. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Greetings, Everyone, from Linda S, your co-chairperson for Wednesdays and
someone who will use most any excuse to eat more.
As is the case all through this month's chapter, this portion is written to the spouse of the person with the compulsion and here you and I are the persons with the compulsion. It's kind of like reading someone else's mail! So, reading this chapter feels a little strange. Still, I find much to relate to in this chapter. Because my husband and I share the same compulsion, I have never had to endure a husband putting me down for overeating. I'm sure that I would tend to eat more to console myself if my husband did chide me for eating too much.
In a previous post, I told about becoming livid at the woman who asked me if I were pregnant and who proceeded to ask me lots of questions in an effort to find out why I, quite a slim person, had a belly. The reason I was so angry was because two other times that year women had asked me if I was pregnant. Both times, I responded to them in a shocked way that I wasn't pregnant and why I wasn't. Then, I went home and bawled. Then, I hit the food. When the woman in the bank asked me if I were pregnant, I got so angry because I remembered overeating over this type of questioning before and I was angry that, because of her insensitivity, I would likely do the same again. ("Look what you made me do!" [Sound familiar?]) It turned out that, through remembering I did not overeat but I did wear more clothing in an effort to hide myself. In fact, when we had a very rainy, cold, summer this year, I was grateful because I could get away with wearing lots of clothing without anyone commenting on the quantity of clothing I wore.
In this way, people's comments about my size have had an adverse effect. They have led me to isolate and/or overeat and overdress. When I was a young girl, I was tall and very slender. People used to refer to me as a beanpole. I grew up in bean country so everyone knew what bean poles were. When I was in high school, one day some boys were commenting on my figure and comparing me with a cooked chicken and asked each another which part they would prefer. Even though they said I had the cutest figure of any girl in class, I still felt humiliated. Quite frankly, I don't like anyone mentioning my body **at all.**
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 111-112, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will
save many a heartbreak if you can succeed in observing them. Your husband
may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the
groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him
bring up the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a
discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that
you want to be helpful rather than critical.
When a discussion does arise, you might suggest he read this book or at least the chapter on alcoholism. Tell him you have been worried, though perhaps needlessly. You think he ought to know the subject better, as everyone should have a clear understanding of the risk he takes if he drinks too much. Show him you have confidence in his power to stop or moderate. Say you do not want to be a wet blanket; that you only want him to take care of his health. Thus you may succeed in interesting him in alcoholism."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, my name is Thumper and I'm a compulsive overeater.
I was always acutely aware of my overeating and my obesity so it was never my family that had to bring up the topic. The last ten years of my life have been spent in one battle or another against this disease. I almost always brought up the subject of my weight by myself, but I do know that if others had confronted me with it, I would have become very hurt, angry, and resentful. I've never been much good at receiving "constructive criticism" and I would have taken even a hint of concern about my weight or my eating as an attack on my character and would have put up emotional walls to protect my already fragile self-esteem.
There were times though when my family would bring up concern about my diabetic condition but they were careful, for reasons of their own, not to connect the diabetes to my eating disorder. I was the chief enabler of our eating sprees and they feared that excess focus on my eating and blood glucose would set me off into another of my weird diet plans which meant I would no longer be taking them out every day to go crazy at the buffets.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 112, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"He probably has several alcoholics among his own acquaintances. You might
suggest that you both take an interest in them. Drinkers like to help other
drinkers. Your husband may be willing to talk to one of them.
If this kind of approach does not catch your husband's interest, it may be best to drop the subject, but after a friendly talk your husband will usually revive the topic himself. This may take patient waiting, but it will be worth it. Meanwhile you might try to help the wife of another serious drinker. If you act upon these principles, your husband may stop or moderate.
Suppose, however, that your husband fits the description of number two. The same principles which apply to husband number one should be practiced. But after his next binge, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking for good. Do not ask that he do it for you or anyone else. Just would he like to?"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, Chris here, co-chairperson for Fridays.
No one was able to help me by suggesting anything or introducing me to anyone. Shortly after I was diagnosed with diabetes my sister-in-law kept talking to me about this friend of hers who had diabetes and who was going to a doctor who had written a book, etc. etc. She sent me the book and I thanked her for it but I was offended. I was not able to see that she did this out of concern and love for me. I saw it as judgmental and critical. I was unapproachable and not teachable. I was so deeply involved in my disease that I could not even admit that I was overeating!
I am very grateful for OA; it has saved my life. However, I am still unable to talk to, or accept suggestions from those outside of OA. I know they care and they are interested but I still have the fear that I might fail *again* and they will think that OA is just another one of my crazy diet schemes designed to avoid using my willpower. In OA I know that I can keep coming back and always be accepted, no matter what.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 112-113, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
“The chances are he would. Show him your copy of this book and tell him what
you have found out about alcoholism. Show him that as alcoholics, the
writers of the book understand. Tell him some of the interesting stories you
have read. If you think he will be shy of a spiritual remedy, ask him to
look at the chapter on alcoholism. Then perhaps he will be interested enough
to continue.
If he is enthusiastic your cooperation will mean a great deal. If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone. Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. But don't remind him of this after he has been drinking, for he may be angry. Sooner or later, you are likely to find him reading the book once more. Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act, for the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
I’m Brenda a compulsive overeater and your co-chair for Saturdays.
I remember my first visit to a 12-step meeting. It was an AA meeting. I thought it was a cult. Everybody was talking about God and I wanted to stop using, not talk about God. Back then I could not make the connection between the two. It took me five more years of pain to be ready to try the suggestions.
When I arrived in recovery the second time I was willing to do whatever I was told. I wanted somebody to tell me how to work this program so I was ready for a sponsor. It was comforting to see so many people just like myself.
When I attended my first OA meeting I was afraid all over again. The ladies were very friendly and welcomed me. One woman went for coffee with me after the meeting. Everybody was willing to give me their phone numbers and they encouraged me to keep coming back. I attended a meeting every night for the first two weeks. I found different reactions just as there were different people in each meeting. Many women thought they would advise me on what my food program should look like. I was resistant to that, as I had worked out a food program with my sponsor.
Reading the Big Book has helped me to understand what I am doing both to myself and to my family. It provides me with a set of tools to handle my disease of Compulsive Overeating. The people who pressure me to work their idea of a good program make me want to run away but I stay because I know that I have a right in these rooms.
Thank you for letting me share.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 113, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"If you have a number three husband, you may be in luck. Being certain he
wants to stop, you can go to him with this volume as joyfully as though you
had struck oil. He may not share your enthusiasm, but he is practically sure
to read the book and he may go for the program at once. If he does not, you
should not crowd him. Let him decide for himself. Cheerfully see him through
more sprees. Talk about his condition or this book only when he raises the
issue. In some cases it may be better to let someone outside the family
present the book. They can urge action without arousing hostility. If your
husband is otherwise a normal individual, your chances are good at this
stage.
You would suppose that men in the fourth classification would be quite hopeless, but that is not so. Many of Alcoholics Anonymous were like that. Everybody had given them up. Defeat seemed certain. Yet often such men had spectacular and powerful recoveries.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hello all,
I'm Anne, a compulsive overeater and your Sunday co-chair. The sentence “Let him decide for himself,” in today’s passage leapt out at me. The reading reminds the family that the decision to recover must come from the alcoholic/compulsive overeater. We ourselves must decide to recover. No one can do it for us. No one can give us the will to recover.
Webster’s dictionary offers several definitions for the word “decision”, but the two that put it best are “determination, firmness of mind” and “the act of making up one’s mind.” Making a decision needs to be something that only I can, and will, commit to doing. No amount of cajoling, begging or wheedling from anyone could have given me the determination to commit to recover. Although support is wonderful to have, it cannot carry me alone. I needed to reach a firm commitment in my own mind that getting well was something that I needed to do for me, and only me.
There is no such thing as a situation that is totally hopeless. The Big Book touches on this point as well. However the determination and decision MUST come from the addict. It was only when I, regardless of anyone else, was willing to go to any lengths to recover that recovery truly began to happen in my life. There are no lost causes - only lost souls who need to tap into their inner strength and again find hope and have faith in their ability to change.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 114, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"There are exceptions. Some men have been so impaired by alcohol that they
cannot stop. Sometimes there are cases where alcoholism is complicated by
other disorders. A good doctor or psychiatrist can tell you whether these
complications are serious. In any event, try to have your husband read this
book. His reaction may be one of enthusiasm. If he is already committed to
an institution, but can convince you and your doctor that he means business,
give him a chance to try our method, unless the doctor thinks his mental
condition too abnormal or dangerous. We make this recommendation with some
confidence. For years we have been working with alcoholics committed to
institutions. Since this book was first published, AA has released thousands
of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of every kind. The majority have
never returned. The power of God goes deep!
You may have the reverse situation on your hands. Perhaps you have a husband who is at large, but who should be committed. Some men cannot or will not get over alcoholism. When they become too dangerous, we think the kind thing is to lock them up, but of course a good doctor should always be consulted. The wives and children of such men suffer horribly, but not more than the men themselves."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hello Fellow Travelers, I’m LindaE a compulsive overeater and leader on
Mondays this month.
The sentence that most struck me in that section is: "The power of God goes deep!" In reading that section of the book, what this means to me is that the power and healing from God can affect any of us, even the most hopeless compulsive overeater if we are really ready and willing to follow this program and rely on the God of our understanding.
OA is a spiritual program comprised of reliance on God as each person individually understands God, and action based on that understanding. For me, the program does not work without both aspects. When I just try to act, without relying on God and asking for help and guidance, it does not work. At those times, I am into self-will and the results are usually a mess of one sort or another. Conversely, when I give my life to God as I understand Him, then fail to act on the guidance I have been given, I also fail to get results. For instance, God does not want me to eat compulsively and has shown me guidelines of how I am to eat, BUT God has never come down and snatched a Twinkie out of my hand. Nope. Not once!! He expects me to follow through and to take the action He shows me to take.
When I have turned to God, asking for help with any given problem and have been willing to let go of my self-will, I have had real miracles happen. In frustration, I told God I could no longer diet, and then it would be up to Him to take care of the food - that He would have to pick it out and help me to eat it appropriately. The result was abstinence and weight loss to a healthy and normal weight. When I needed a sponsor, God guided me to just the right person and made it obvious beyond any doubt this was the person who was to be my sponsor. (I often ask that He hit me with a 2X4 and show me EXACTLY what I am to do -- I don't get subtle messages very well.) When I have been heading out to do something that would have been against His wishes, He has put obstacles in my way. Somehow I have been able to hang on to sanity and abstinence when I am willing to recognize the obstacles for what they are (God's help and turn away. But it seems to me that at all points there has needed to be BOTH a reliance on God as I understand Him, AND action -- whether taking a step, letting go of a food, or making some other change.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", pages 114-115, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
“But sometimes you must start life anew. We know women who have done it. If
such women adopt a spiritual way of life their road will be smoother.
If your husband is a drinker, you probably worry over what other people are thinking and you hate to meet your friends. You draw more and more into yourself and you think everyone is talking about conditions at your home. You avoid the subject of drinking, even with your own parents. You do not know what to tell the children. When your husband is bad, you become a trembling recluse, wishing the telephone had never been invented.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
As I waited one year to determine if my wife and I were actually going to
have a marriage, as the result of my worries over her sexual acting out, I
began to eat, and as I did, she used to comment on it. She complained. She
whined. She cajoled. She fumed. She sulked. She told me her friends thought
I was fat (I was!). She told me she was ashamed to go out with me. She
finally told me she was using her 12-step recovery program (one in which she
never participated) to distance herself from my compulsion and not to take
responsibility for it.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 115, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"We find that most of this embarrassment is unnecessary. While you need not
discuss your husband at length, you can quietly let your friends know the
nature of his illness. But you must be on guard not to embarrass or harm
your husband.
When you have carefully explained to such people that he is a sick person, you will have created a new atmosphere. Barriers which have sprung up between you and your friends will disappear with the growth of sympathetic understanding. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must apologize as though your husband were a weak character. He may be anything but that. Your new courage, good nature and lack of self-consciousness will do wonders for you socially.
The same principle applies in dealing with the children. Unless they actually need protection from their father, it is best not to take sides in any argument he has with them while drinking. Use your energies to promote a better understanding all around. Then that terrible tension which grips the home of every problem drinker will be lessened."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Greetings from Linda S. I am your Wednesday co-chairperson for the Big Book
study and a very compulsive overeater.
What this passage speaks about is the cure for isolation caused by embarrassment plus acceptance of a bad situation. I have never been an alcoholic nor has my husband. I haven't been around alcoholics much either. However, I had a friend in my former location that had an alcoholic husband. I always felt nervous visiting at her home for fear he would be vile and abusive although he never was. She eventually moved out of the house. It seemed to me that she was a very patient woman. I know she belonged to Al-Anon and I believed this was the source of her strength.
I can't imagine the spouse of an overeater telling a friend that the overeater is a sick person. People don't tend to think of us in those terms. Maybe they would have more compassion for us if they did. Maybe we would recover faster if our families and friends showed this understanding. It could help us to really grasp that we have an incurable disease and that we are not weak-willed.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 115-116, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
“Frequently, you have felt obliged to tell your husband's employer and his
friends that he was sick, when as a matter of fact he was tight. Avoid
answering these inquiries as much as you can. Whenever possible, let your
husband explain. Your desire to protect him should not cause you to lie to
people when they have a right to know where he is and what he is doing.
Discuss this with him when he is sober and in good spirits. Ask him what you
should do if he places you in such a position again. But be careful not to
be resentful about the last time he did so.
There is another paralyzing fear. You may be afraid your husband will lose his position; you are thinking of the disgrace and hard times which will befall you and the children. This experience may come to you. Or you may already have had it several times. Should it happen again, regard it in a different light. Maybe it will prove a blessing! It may convince your husband he wants to stop drinking forever. And now you know that he can stop if he will! Time after time, this apparent calamity has been a boon to us, for it opened up a path which led to the discovery of God.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, my name is Thumper and I'm a compulsive overeater.
My partner was a great enabler. I never had to come up with my own excuses for the excesses of my disease - it was done for me. My job was too stressful, money was tight, the children were giving us grief… what a luxury it was not having to invent these excuses myself. Although overeating didn't cause the problems for me as described in the Big Book for the alcoholic, it was only a matter of luck. Had I been caught and arrested and jailed for the embezzlement from a previous employer, not only would I have brought disgrace and shame to my family, I would have also burdened them with the extra financial hardships that incarceration would have entailed. What kind of excuses could they have made for me then? How do you explain and rationalize the stealing of money just to purchase extra food?
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 116-117, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"We have elsewhere remarked how much better life is when lived on a
spiritual plane. If God can solve the age-old riddle of alcoholism, He can
solve your problems too. We wives found that, like everybody else, we were
afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make
up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or
dishonesty. As our husband began to apply spiritual principles in their
lives, we began to see the desirability of doing so too.
At first, some of us did not believe we needed this help. We thought, on the whole, we were pretty good women, capable of being nicer if our husbands stopped drinking. But it was a silly idea that we were too good to need God. Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our lives. When we do that, we find it solves our problems too; the ensuing lack of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing. We urge you to try our program, for nothing will be so helpful to your husband as the radically changed attitude toward him which God will show you how to have. Go along with your husband if you possibly can."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, Chris here, compulsive overeater and Friday co-chair.
I thought I did not need God in my life partly because of pride and the sense that I was entirely self-sufficient and partly because, even when I was in need of a higher power, I could not find one. I am a compulsive overeater but I am also the wife of an addict so I know first hand how much it helps to have faith in a higher power from that perspective. “The ensuing lack of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing,” says it all. My connection to a higher power, albeit tenuous at times, has helped me to know myself, to understand that void inside me which I tried to fill with food and to get through times when, without this connection, eating would have been my only tool for survival.
But it has also helped me to accept my husband's disease as just that, a disease, like mine, which he did not choose to have and is struggling to be free of. This program has also taught me that I did not cause his disease, nor can I cure it. I have learned to take care of myself, one day at a time, and trust that his higher power will take care of him.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 117, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"If you and your husband find a solution for the pressing problem of drink
you are, of course, going to be very happy. But all problems will not be
solved at once. Seed has started to spout in a new soil, but growth has only
begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs.
Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be.
The faith and sincerity of both of you and your husband will be put to the test. These work-outs should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Brenda here, compulsive overeater and your Saturday chair for the month.
A solution to my eating problem would definitely make both my husband and me happy. However, there is still the issue of emotions and how I respond to them. I have two responses to troubling emotions and conflict:
Response one: Shut up and deny that anything is the matter and stuff it down.
Response two: (Usually a result of too much of response one) Stay quiet as long as I can and then blow up. Throw things yell and scream.
Neither response is healthy. I know this but I grew up in a family where I was taught that words said in anger can never be taken back. It is better to sit on it and say nothing at all. With recovery I am trying very hard to talk about how I feel. I am also trying to learn to practice live and let live where my husband is concerned. He does many things that I disagree with but it is none of my business. His actions do not effect me unless I let them.
Thank you for letting me share.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 117-118, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings and
resentments. Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want
to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great
thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These family dissensions are very
dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of
avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is
a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with
your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be
careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit.
You and your husband will find that you can dispose of serious problems easier than you can the trivial ones. Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, ' This is getting serious. I'm sorry I got disturbed. Let's talk about it later.' If your husband is trying to live on a spiritual basis, he will also be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement or contention."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hello all,
My name is Anne, and I am a compulsive overeater and your Sunday co-chair.
Disagreements are a part of every relationship and unavoidable. Even the most minor things can, and often do become major points of contention. I have seen this happen in my own marriage. Usually it really IS the little things that have gotten under my skin and created resentments. The Big Book clearly reminds me that "resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic [compulsive overeater]." Although my spouse can do his best to try to help me avoid resentments that are bound to arise, it is also my responsibility to try to head them off before they mushroom and get out of hand. I need to be ever watchful for any potential sources of resentments in all of my relationships since I know harboring resentment puts my sobriety at risk.
In the past, arguments always resulted in hurt feelings and my diving into the food. Today eating to avoid or soothe the situation no longer can be an option for me. I choose to address those conflicts that need to be dealt with, and let most of the others go. I no longer act like a doormat, yet constant warring and having to always be right about every trivial thing isn't necessary either. An expression I heard once puts this best in perspective for me: “I can be happy, or I can be right.” Learning to let go of the small stuff and not blow it up into big stuff has helped me in many ways to not only be happier, but to avoid all the petty resentments that used to weigh me down and literally eat me up alive.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 118, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"Your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety. He wants to make good.
Yet you must not expect too much. His ways of thinking and doing are the
habits of years. Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the
watchwords. Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected
back to you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a
willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to
criticize each other.
We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort of chap we would like our husband to be. It is the most natural thing in the world, once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that cherished vision. The chances are he will not for, like yourself, he is just beginning his development. Be patient."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi Everyone, LindaE here, compulsive overeater.
In reading the above section, there are a couple things that come to mind. First is that my recovery did not happen overnight. It was a process in many ways: abstinence, weight loss, changing relationships, achieving a relationship with God, and changes in how I behave. None of that happened quickly or consistently. There were lapses with the food, with weight, with actions and with God. Luckily, my husband was willing and able to be patient with me, and did not expect a 24-hour miracle.
The question that then comes to mind is how willing have I been to extend that patience in recovery to others, and to encourage the people I sponsor to be as tolerant of the people they sponsor. In general, I think I am pretty patient with my sponsorees. It has not been very hard to remember where I came from and the long periods of time it takes for me to make changes. However, I have not been very good at reminding them of their own lapses when they become impatient with people they sponsor and that is something I need to look at and change. Often people I sponsor will talk to me about a situation with someone they sponsor without telling me who it is regarding. I will listen and encourage them to pray about it, but seldom give advice or suggest a gentler approach even though I think it would be in order. In reading that section, I wonder if I have been remiss in this because I think much of the advice to the wives is also good advice for the compulsive overeater dealing with sponsorees and others in the program.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 118-119, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"Another feeling we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that
love and loyalty could not cure our husbands of alcoholism. We do not like
the thought that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has
accomplished in a few weeks that for which we struggled for years. At such
moments we forget that alcoholism is an illness over which we could not
possibly have had any power. Your husband will be the first to say it was
your devotion and care which brought him to the point where he could have a
spiritual experience. Without you he would have gone to pieces long ago.
When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings. After
all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and
your husband are working together toward an undreamed-of future.
Still another difficulty is that you may become jealous of the attention he bestows on other people, especially alcoholics. You have been starving for his companionship, yet he spends long hours helping other men and their families. You feel he should now be yours. The fact is that he should work with other people to maintain his own sobriety. Sometimes he will be so interested that he becomes really neglectful. Your house is filled with strangers. You may not like some of them. He gets stirred up about their troubles, but not at all about yours. It will do little good if you point that out and urge more attention for yourself. We find it a real mistake to dampen his enthusiasm for alcoholic work. You should join in his efforts as much as you possibly can. We suggest that you direct some of your thought to the wives of his new alcoholic friends. They need the counsel and love of a woman who has gone through what you have.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 119-120, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"It is probably true that you and your husband have been living too much
alone, for drinking many times isolates the wife of an alcoholic. Therefore,
you probably need fresh interests and a great cause to live for as much as
your husband. If you cooperate, rather than complain, you will find that his
excess enthusiasm will tone down. Both of you will awaken to a new sense of
responsibility for others. You, as well as your husband, ought to think of
what you can put into life instead of how much you can take out. Inevitably
your lives will be fuller for doing so. You will lose the old life to find
one much better.
Perhaps your husband will make a fair start on the new basis, but just as things are going beautifully he dismays you by coming home drunk. If you are satisfied he really wants to get over drinking, you need not be alarmed. Though it is infinitely better that he have no relapse at all, as has been true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive. You need not remind him of his spiritual deficiency - he will know of it. Cheer him up and ask him how you can be still more helpful."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Greetings from Linda S. I have been your Wednesday co-chairperson for the
past few months and am an excessively enthusiastic compulsive overeater.
Excess enthusiasm. When my husband and I got this new computer last year and I could thus have my email come right into our home instead of to my husband's office at work, I suddenly joined several recovery loops and gained an email sponsor plus sponsorees. I ended up spending lots of time in this very chair with my hands on the keyboard. I tell people that, when the computer moved in, the maid moved out. That is my cutesy way of saying that the condition of the house has declined considerably since I discovered cyberspace. I do spend more time with my online friends and recovery acquaintances than with face to face people. I have long suffered from excess enthusiasm, even before coming to OA. I've always been one to throw myself heart and soul into whatever I do. It's just that, before OA, most of the activities were with face to face people. If the house goes by the wayside, so be it. Although my husband is in recovery too and understands, sometimes he feels unloved when the house is a mess and there is little space left for his things. Right now, the annual Women's Weekend is two days away and our living room looks like a warehouse with goods to be used as door prizes plus materials for the craft class I will teach on Saturday afternoon. When it isn't things for the Women's Weekend, it is things for the church garage sale or some other group's garage sale or things for International Women's Day. At one time, we were foster parents for a SPCA - type organization. We have eight house pets of our own. And, I'm a big recycler too! I'm saying that the house is generally used as a mini warehouse! Reconciling my recovery work with my regular life has been hard for me. Sometimes, I think I am isolating even when I reach into cyberspace. And, I wonder sometimes if I'm not switching addictions from food to the computer. I know I've become a clothesaholic and a real hoarder since coming into OA.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 120, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband's chance
of recovery. In a weak moment he may take your dislike of his high-stepping
friends as one of those insanely trivial excuses to drink.
We never, never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important. If he gets drunk, don't blame yourself. God has either removed your husband's liquor problem or He has not. If not, it had better be found out right away. Then you and your husband can get right down to fundamentals. If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God's hands."
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, my name is Thumper and I'm a compulsive overeater.
I've been away from home and visiting with a friend in another city and we've had occasion to go out to eat. I'd been telling my friend about a favorite chain restaurant I had always gone to in the past during my overeating days and often compared the places we were going out to with this other restaurant. As to be expected, her attitude was one of indifference because what did this restaurant have to do with her? Then, just the other day, as we were driving down the rode she pointed across the road and said "look" and there it was - my favorite restaurant! When I asked her why, after all I had said about the place, why hadn't she told me about its existence? She said she had been afraid that I would have a difficult time with knowing it was there and that she was worried that it could tempt me to binge. I'm not sure I understand the dynamics behind my own reaction, but I became quite angry that she had "shielded" me from this temptation. Maybe I resented being treated like a child, or maybe I resented this vague feeling of being controlled, or maybe I even just resented that I had been missing out on an opportunity to eat at this place? We did end up going to that restaurant and have been back several times since. My friend wants to go there all the time! Maybe she was really just trying to protect herself from her own vulnerabilities? Now I find myself in the reverse role of trying to shield HER from the temptation yet I know from my own experience how trying to do that has just the opposite effect!
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 121, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
We realize that we have been giving you much direction and advice. We may
have seemed to lecture. If that is so we are sorry, for we ourselves don't
always care for people who lecture us. But what we have related is based
upon experience, some of it painful. We had to learn these things the hard
way. That is why we are anxious that you understand, and that you avoid
these unnecessary difficulties.
So to you out there who may soon be with us - we say ‘Good luck and God bless you!’"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Hi, Chris here compulsive overeater and Friday person for the month.
I agree this has been a difficult chapter for me; I am the addict and also the spouse of the addict so have experienced both sides of these issues. Despite what the Big Book says in this passage, I doubt that it is possible for a co-anything to avoid "these unnecessary difficulties". I suppose IF the addict is fairly well along the road to recovery and so is the co-addict it might be possible. For my part, I am still often in my disease and with that comes the defensiveness and isolation, which is born of shame and guilt about my behavior. My husband is also in recovery, but still he tries to "fix" me and give me suggestions and still I reject suggestions from him that I might welcome from someone else.
Yesterday I was having a difficult time with my food and he urged me to call someone (I always write down all the phone numbers from the sign in sheet at the meetings and have made just one phone call since January). I would not, insisting that was not my style. I happened to attend an online meeting at which the topic was “reaching out.” I shared about my difficulties and how I am reluctant to reach out and someone from the meeting asked me privately for my phone number and called me after the meeting. I was thrilled and put the children to bed while I anxiously awaited that phone call. It didn't hurt and I didn't die! But I did not do it because "he" thought I should! I did it because a fellow overeater suggested it. I suppose the lesson here is to keep reaching out to those in the fellowship. The very kind fellow sufferer who called me last night understood that my isolation was part of my disease. I guess it takes one to know one.
THE QUESTIONS
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 8, "To Wives", page 121, adapted to compulsive overeating. Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "To Wives"
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
"The fellowship of Al-Anon Family Groups was formed about thirteen years
after this chapter was written. Though it is entirely separate from
Alcoholics Anonymous, it uses the general principles of the AA program as a
guide for husbands, wives, relatives, friends, and others close to
alcoholics. The foregoing pages (though addressed only to wives) indicate
the problems such people may face. Alateen, for teen-aged children of
alcoholics, is a part of Al-Anon. If there is no Al-Anon listing in your
local telephone book, you may obtain further information on Al-Anon Family
Groups by writing to its World Service Office: Box 862, Midtown Station, New
York, NY 10018-0862.”
«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»
Brenda here, compulsive overeater and your Saturday co-chair
Boy am I glad this chapter is done. It has been very challenging thinking of questions for this chapter. I have to try to keep in mind what perspective I am writing from. I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic as well as a compulsive overeater. At times I have attended Al-Anon groups for a couple of different reasons.
Reason one: To learn to deal with my husband or rather to learn to deal with me around the issue of my husband.
Reason two: At times during my recovery I have found that I tend to be codependent with everybody in my life from my husband to my sponsees.
The Al-Anon program taught me to use the 12 steps to mind my own business and turn their business over to God.
Thanks for letting me share.
THE QUESTIONS
 Back |
 Top |
 Next |
JOIN US
Copyright © 2000 ~ The RECOVERY Group
![[IMAGE]](../../image/bigbooklogo1.gif)
![[IMAGE]](../../image/dovec.gif)