Chapter Seven
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 89, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Working With Others"
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"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.
Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."
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Dear Loopies,
When I was at the WSO OA convention in Dallas this month, service seemed to be one of the key points of working the program. I heard it stressed time and time again. And with good reason. It actually is true that service does work when all other things fail. I speak from my experiences here.
I remember when I was newly abstinent, that I struggled with my food cravings horribly. Giving up sugar AND flour virtually at the same time was hard. What I would end up doing is signing into the #Recovery Group Room, and without fail, would find someone that either would be one of two things: Either they were in a good place and heard me out until my desire to binge would pass OR they were feeling much worst than I was. What I did not realize at the time was that by their helping me by giving service, or my helping them in reaching out to those in worst shape than I was, provided benefits to both of us. For me, reaching out and doing service has never failed in keeping me away from the food.
I whined to my sponsor about the fact that when I went in there feeling awful that often times I ended up being the person that ended up helping the other person. Looking in retrospect, I gained far more than the support I lent. I can see that Higher Power brought the exact person I needed into my life at that exact moment. Somewhat more mature now, I can now see that it truly IS by giving away the program that I gain so much more from it. What a blessing!
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 89, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Perhaps you are not acquainted with any drinkers who want to recover. You can easily find some by asking a few doctors, ministers, priests or hospitals. They will be only too glad to assist you. Don't start out as an evangelist or reformer. Unfortunately a lot of prejudice exists. You will be handicapped if you arouse it. Ministers and doctors are competent and you can learn much from them if you wish, but it happens that because of your own drinking experience you can be uniquely useful to other alcoholics. So cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim."
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Greetings from Linda S, your co-chairperson for Wednesdays in August.
In response to the BB passage, let me say that I have a hard time imagining either doctors or religious leaders sending any overeaters to me. In my community, it is very difficult to get taken seriously by them. We have an Eating Disorders Week proclaimed in our community each year and each year I ask for permission to set up an overeating information table. Each year, I get told something to the effect that, "We will have a table for bulimia and one for anorexia, you know -- eating disorders!" I think that the professionals in our area would be much more likely to send potential members of OA to a diet club. Maybe things are different in your town. Maybe when OA has been in existence as long as AA has, we will come to be trusted more than we are now.
Most of my own outreach consists in giving a list of local agencies to newcomers to our town. I do this through Welcome Wagon. When newcomers see OA on the list and ask what it is about, I tell them. Since I am the contact person for it on the list, I typically extend my hand to shake theirs and say, "Hi! I'm Linda -- that Linda!" Or, if someone I know remarks about how slim I am and asks what I'm doing to achieve this condition, I tell them about OA. It would be nice if doctors and ministers would send someone my way. We need to help others in order to help ourselves.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pp. 90, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him. If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity. This advice is given for his family also. They should be patient, realizing they are dealing with a sick person.
If there is any indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him-usually his wife. Get an idea of his behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings. You need this information to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned."
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Hello loopies,
Anne here trying to fill in a few missing gaps in our monthly Big Book study. I am posting August 3rd and 10th to get everyone caught up since our usual Thursday poster is on vacation. I do hope this doesn't cause any confusion in the flow of the material of our study.
Today's quote from the Big Book is very emphatic in its dealing with the alcoholic's desire to quit drinking. One thing my sponsor always told me is that they could give a person anything except the desire to stop drinking or eating compulsively. How true. Without that deep down desire to stop compulsively eating, it is fruitless trying to work with the addict. It is something that can only come from the person with the addiction.
This passage also deals with the element of compassion. We need always remember that the addict is sick. Yet despite this, they still need to be treated with respect and compassion. If they desire help, we need to always be mindful to approach them with love, empathy, acceptance and true understanding of their situation. Preaching does not work; genuine acceptance and concern does.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 90, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Sometimes it is wise to wait till he goes on a binge. The family may object to this, but unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to risk it. Don't deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and the family needs your help. Wait for the end of the spree, or at least for a lucid interval. Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so. If he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered. You should be described to him as one of a fellowship who, as part of their own recovery, try to help others and who will be glad to talk to him if he cares to see you."
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Hello,
Chris here, Friday chairperson for the month August.
I have been very overweight for many years. When I was first married I had a friend whose mother was constantly nagging her about her weight. She was not overweight and never had been but her mother was determined to see to it that it stayed that way.
All the women in my family are compulsive overeaters and weight was a taboo subject (as was just about everything else). We all overate, pretended we didn't and never talked about our weight except to discuss "plus size" clothes. We never talked about dieting. I used to feel sorry for my friend because of the constant nagging by her mother about what she ate. It wasn't until I came to OA and accepted the fact that I am a COE that I realized that I wasn't any luckier than my friend.
My husband has been in a 12 step program for about 18 months now and was the first one who suggested OA to me. I was hurt, angry and humiliated and was definitely not going to spend all my time reading and going to meetings like him. I had children who needed me and I was not going to abandon them for some cult.
When I finally did put my foot in the door of OA I spent months fighting against accepting my disease. I am still struggling, but happily I am losing the fight. Accepting my disease required that I accept that my family members also have the disease. Since I grew up believing that we were all "Ok" and I am now 54, I had to let go of some very deep rooted beliefs.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 90-91, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him. Neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything, nor should they tell him much about you. They should wait for the end of his next drinking bout. You might place this book where he can see it in the interval. Here no specific rule can be given. The family must decide these things. But urge them not to be over-anxious, for that might spoil matters."
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Brenda here COE and your Saturday chair for the month of August.
When I arrived in OA no one forced themselves on me. This is something that I am grateful for. I need to check things out at my own pace. I am a very timid joiner and even though I have some twelve-step experience this was still new. At my first f2f meeting a woman I talked to after the meeting said I looked like I wanted to bolt for the door any minute. And I did want to! I was not sure I could fit in here. I was not sure I was ready. I am grateful that at each meeting members of that group made themselves available to offer me phone numbers and listen to me. With regard to the family: My family tries hard to be supportive but they understand little about twelve-step recovery. Their philosophy is just have some willpower. Just say no. Just stop at one helping. One the other hand when there is some of anything left over well give it to Brenda she'll eat it.
I was a month into the program when I went on vacation with my family. My dad sees road trips as food stops. We drove from Toronto to Petawawa together. He didn't know I had joined the program and I wasn't going to tell him because he sees twelve step programs as another crutch. When I arrived in Petawawa I tried to stick to my food plan. I needed three meals and two snacks and each time I had a meal dad would ask what I was doing eating again. I enjoyed the vacation but it was a relief to get home and back on track.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 91, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Usually the family should not try to tell your story. When possible, avoid meeting a man through his family. Approach through a doctor or an institution is a better bet. If your man needs hospitalization, he should have it, but not forcibly unless he is violent. Let the doctor, if he will, tell him he has something in the way of a solution.
When your man is better, the doctor might suggest a visit from you. Though you have talked with the family, leave them out of the first discussion. Under these conditions your prospect will see he is under not pressure. He will feel he can deal with you without being nagged by his family. Call on him while he is still jittery. He may be more receptive when depressed."
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Hi All,
My name is Anne, and I am a compulsive overeater and your Sunday co-chair for August. Due to travel plans this upcoming week, I am posting my Sunday post early, so I hope this doesn't cause any difficulty for anyone.
For me, getting involved with OA was important in that for the first time in my life, I was doing this solely for me and completely independent of my family and my spouse. The Big Book speaks wisely when it suggests keeping our communication separate from the family. Clearly, family can (and in my case did) muddle recovery. The more anyone tried to control me, whether my eating or smoking or any other behavior, the more I would pursue doing the very behavior that was detrimental to me.
There is something very humbling in being at rock bottom and alone. No family, no friends, no other means of support to carry you along or enable you. Everyone's bottom is different, but it truly is a place of isolation and a day of reckoning. It is a spot where I was forced to face myself as I truly was, and having family around to enable or berate me only confused the issue that, yes, I was an addict and out of control and truly powerless over my disease. Nagging, bribing, begging, berating, manipulation and all other forms of control from my family always backfired. Being truly alone forced me to face myself and decide whether or not I was willing to make changes. For me, it was a painful but necessary experience. I needed the support that only OA could offer and from people in OA that had been where I had been and had walked my walk. These people offered me a way out, a solution, a glimpse of hope. They offered it to me, but did NOT force it upon me. Still, I had to take the leap and make the decision by myself - no one else could do it for me. I needed to make the decision for me and no one else.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 90-91 , adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"See your man alone, if possible. At first engage in general conversation. After a while, turn the talk to some phase of drinking. Tell him enough about your drinking habits, symptoms, and experiences to encourage him to speak of himself. If he wishes to talk, let him do so. You will thus get a better idea of how you ought to proceed. If he is not communicative, give him a sketch or your drinking career up to the time you quit. But say nothing, for the moment, of how that was accomplished. If he is in a serious mood dwell on the troubles liquor has caused you, being careful not to moralize or lecture. If his mood is light, tell him humorous stories of your escapades. Get him to tell some of his.
When he sees you know all about the drinking game, commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic. Tell him how baffled you were, how you finally learned that you were sick. Give him an account of the struggles you made to stop. Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism. If he is alcoholic, he will understand you at once. He will match you mental inconsistencies with some of his own."
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LindaE here, Compulsive Overeater and Leader for Mondays.
Prior to OA, I participated in most of the commercial programs for weight loss. They were expensive and for the most part involved some person who had little personal knowledge of weight problems, or at least of a problem such as the kind I experienced. Some of them had lost a little weight, but mostly they were paid staff who were there to tell me the program method endorsed by their company, and how to lose weight on that particular program. The idea, of course, was that this particular commercial diet program would solve all my problems.
The big difference in OA is that this program is not run by some individual who has no understanding of how I live with the disease of compulsive overeating. The people in OA **all** know exactly the type of obsession and insanity of the disease I have lived with for most of my life. When I hear someone in OA speak about the disease and how they recover, I know they are talking from their own experience. The descriptions I hear in the rooms about what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now have the ring of truth. As a member speaks, (s)he has a veracity that no paid employee espousing a formula diet could ever hope to attain. It is there that OA differs from all other entities dealing with weight problems or eating disorders. In hearing from an OA member how (s)he personally trod the road of recovery to healing from compulsive overeating I know with certainty that if I follow the steps that person has taken I, too, can recover.
For me, the first connection and awareness that a member **really** knew about the type of life I led as a Compulsive Overeater came at my first meeting. A woman there spoke of going to work each day, putting on a false face of confidence, happiness, and calm professionalism, then returning home at night to stuff all the fear and uncertainty in the refrigerator. As she spoke, I thought, "That woman doesn't know it, but she is talking about ME. That's exactly what I do." With that identification came the realization that for the first time I had encountered someone I **knew** had my problem.
Immediately thereafter, I recognized that the program of recovery that would work for her or people like her, was very likely to help me as well. All I had to do was follow directions.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 92, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady. Show him, from your own experience, how the queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power. Don't, at this stage, refer to this book, unless he has seen it and wishes to discuss it. And be careful not to brand him as an alcoholic. Let him draw his own conclusion. If he sticks to the idea that he can still control his drinking, tell him that possibly he can-if he is not too alcoholic. But insist that if he is severely afflicted, there may be little chance he can recover by himself."
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Hello again loopies,
Anne here, compulsive eater. This is the last post for catching up the missing days from the past 2 weeks.
"That first drink[bite] which prevents normal functioning of the will power." These words leap from the paragraph. How many of us have thought, when we were in the depths of our disease, that we could have just one bite, one lick, one spoonful? Sometimes, it is only too easy for me to believe that now that I have been abstinent, that I can eat "normally" again. False thinking. My illness talking and trying to lure me seductively back. However, it really is important that in speaking to someone still in the disease, that we remember only too well how convinced we used to be that we could "control it on our own if only ___________ ." [fill in the blank here]. For me, that belief lasted 37 years. It is truly hard breaking through that much denial. And yet, no one could do it for me. I had to come to that place of surrender on my own.
It was hard letting go of the notion that I truly was powerless over eating. I fought it, I argued, I resisted anyone in OA that even hinted that I wasn't able to control my eating. They could have talked until they were blue in the face, to no avail. I had to get to a point of surrender on my own. Had anyone forced me to surrender, I would have bucked and ran away. Fortunately, no one did. Instead they related their experiences, and one day it clicked in my mind. The denial was broken through. By their letting me go at my own pace and come to a point of surrender and admission of my powerlessness, these gentle souls of OA subtly encouraged me to come back because of their acceptance and unconditional love of me just as I was. Their gentle service and love saved my life.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 92-93
, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Continue to speak of alcoholism as an illness, a fatal malady. Talk about the conditions of body and mind which accompany it. Keep his attention focused mainly on your personal experience. Explain that many are doomed who never realize their predicament. Doctors are rightly loath to tell alcoholic patients the whole story unless it will serve some good purpose. But you may talk to him about the hopelessness of alcoholism because you offer a solution. You will soon have your friend admitting he has many, if not all, of the traits of the alcoholic. If his own doctor is willing to tell him that he is alcoholic, so much the better. Even though your protege may not have entirely admitted his condition, he has become very curious to know how you got well. Let him ask you that question, if he will. Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God. He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles."
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Hello from Linda S,
I am your Wednesday co-chairman for the month of August! When I tell people about compulsive overeating, they typically act as if they've never heard of it, that I'm really a sicko and they just have this few extra pounds which a diet will fix. They tend to forget that they have lost and regained a great deal of weight and that with the diet mentality, there is always another diet in their future. They often don't want my solution. They want to still overeat and on anything they want and to lose weight at the same time. Totally unrealistic! For those who are atheists or agnostics, I promote acting as if.
>From what the Big Book says about drinkers agreeing that they have many traits in common with other alcoholics, I wonder if that is true for most overeaters. It isn't for the ones I've known. However, I must remember that, in my own case, it took me awhile to decide whether I was a compulsive overeater. I must just tell my story and how belief in God and OA principles has helped me and allow them to come to their own decisions.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 93-94, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"When dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused. Don't raise such issues, no matter what your own convictions are.
Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be far superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he well be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. Let him see that you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink. Perhaps your story will help him see where he has failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations."
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Hi loopies,
Anne here, a gratefully recovering compulsive overeater.
For me, the heart of this passage is about taking action. I know in the past, I have prayed and prayed to God to take away my fat, my eating disorder, my problems and whatever else you-name-it. When I was a little girl, I used to pretend that if I could only be a "good enough Christian," then God would magically make me thin. I tried to be more and more devout and perfect, but my prayers never materialized. Instead I kept gaining more weight.
Faith and religion in themselves are wonderful ways to attain spirituality, however, they in and of themselves never helped me shed one ounce or stop my compulsive eating. My weight loss began when I started physically abstaining from the food that caused the weight gain in the first place. I was unable to "will" or "pray" my fat way. Taking action is the only thing that worked for me. For me taking action involved having faith and praying combined with abstaining and working the steps. I began taking action the day I walked into my first OA meeting.
Today's quote also discusses the importance in keeping it simple when communicating with anyone in the program in regards to spiritual principles. Although we are a spiritual program, we are not a religious one. It is not my place to impose my specific religious beliefs on anyone in this program. My purpose of sharing with others is to share the hope of recovery to those still suffering, not my religious convictions or try to convert them over to any particular religious belief.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 94, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him. It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own. Make it clear that he is not under pressure, that he needn't see you again if he doesn't want to. You should not be offended if he wants to call it off, for he has helped you more than you have helped him. If your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human understanding, you have perhaps made a friend. Maybe you have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. This is all to the good. The more hopeless he feels, the better. he will be more likely to follow your suggestions."
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Hello, Chris here, Friday chairperson and COE.
I went to Dallas last weekend for the convention and I am still humbled by the strength and honesty I found there. I purchased some tapes of the sessions and my husband listened to a couple of them when I returned. His first comment was that these people are so brave.
I pray for courage many times a day through the Serenity Prayer but I have realized that it is courage to deal with other people and situations that I pray for. I did not have the courage to get up and share in Dallas and I did not pray for it. I told myself there are many people here with so much more ESH than I, I will listen to them. I did, and I learned so much but I know I would have gained so much more if I had found the courage to share. 3 minutes of honesty in a f2f meeting does so much for me I can only imagine what it is like to be honest in front of that many people.
This passage says that we should not mind if we share with others who do not accept what we have to say. We are helping ourselves more than we are helping them. My experience in Dallas has shown me that *any* sharing, whether in a two person meeting, or in front of 700 people, is a win-win situation.
At the general session, during the pitches at the end, someone challenged all of us to be "qualified" to speak in New Orleans in 3 years. I do not know whether I will be abstinent long enough for that, but I know that I will go there and I will share, because that's what makes this program work and I am so grateful to have finally learned this.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 94, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all of the program. He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires discussion with other people. Do not contradict such views. Tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would have made much progress had you not taken action. On your first visit tell him about the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If he shows interest, lend him your copy of this book."
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Brenda here COE and your Saturday chair for the month of August.
When talking to newcomers I find that two areas are great stumbling blocks for them. First problem is the "GOD thing" as they put it. Many newcomers fear that this is a religion some have even asked if it is some type of cult. I try to reassure newcomers that their Higher Power is whatever they believe it to be. I share some of the concepts of Higher Power that I have heard since coming to the program. I stress that it is a God of their understanding and suggest that it only be loving, caring and forgiving. I remember the first twelve step meeting I attended I heard all the "GOD stuff" as I called it back then and left and did not come back for several years. I was not ready yet. Today I am very careful about being clear about the God of their understanding.
The second stumbling block once they join the program is fear of step four. In this area I relate my own experience. It took me two and a half years to complete my fourth step. I kept starting and them putting it away in a drawer and it got bigger. I encourage addicts to just do it. Do it as though there is no step five. Don't think about having to share it because in my experience there were things I wrote down that I probably would not have had I thought about sharing them whit somebody else. I remind them that they are only as sick as their secrets and that once a secret is shared it loses its power over me.
Thanks for letting me share.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 95, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Unless your friend wants to talk further about himself, do not wear out
your welcome. Give him a chance to think it over. If you do stay, let him
steer the conversation in any direction he like. Sometimes a new man is
anxious to proceed at once, and you may be tempted to let him do so. This is
sometimes a mistake. If he has trouble later, he is likely to say you rushed
him. You will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit any
passion for crusade or reform. Never talk down to an alcoholic from any
moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for
his inspection. Show him how they worked with you. Offer him friendship and
fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you will do anything to
help.
If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a
banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may
have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets
hurt some more."
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Hi All,
I'm Anne, a compulsive overeater and your Sunday co-chair for August.
I know that when I get zealous about something, it is my tendency to want to scream about it from the rooftops. I want to let the world know about this wonderful treasure I have found and to try to save the world from itself. Not my job though. In fact, I am often doing a disservice in trying to push my opinions on others. When I came back to OA in 1999, no one pushed OA on me. If they had, I probably would not have come back. I came back to OA on my own, humbly defeated from trying to use my own means to obtain weight loss and find serenity. Because I came back on my own and was totally defeated, it made me more willing to listen and try OA.
Quietly offering to the newcomer what I have found that has worked for me in no way means that I am not just as zealous and passionate about OA. However, what it does mean is that I offer and suggest this way to another person rather than forcing it down their throat.
I came to OA in 1996 for about 1 month. At the last meeting I attended a well-meaning woman came up to me, and said something like "If you REALLY want to recover, call my number." And she gave me a long-distance number, to which I commented that it would cost me money to phone her. Her response, "It would be less money than one food binge would cost me." This comment did NOT rub me the right way at all. I felt humiliated, defensive, and intimidated. Consequently, it took 3 years and a 75-pound relapse for me to come back to OA. I felt incredible pressure from her to MAKE the decision to choose OA or get off the pity pot. As well meaning as her efforts were, they backfired. However, the lesson it taught me was, when presented with a newcomer, go gentle on them. It is hard enough walking in that door without having anyone force additional pressure on him or her. It is important that I be encouraging, accepting, supportive and caring. Converting is NOT my job - spreading the message and hope of recovery is.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 95, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within.
If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that."
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Hello! LindaE here, Compulsive Overeater and leader for Mondays.
One of the things I've seen a lot of in program is what seems to be a near desperation to convince people that our program is the right way to recover from Compulsive Overeating. Lifeline and much of the literature from World Service has talked repeatedly about declining numbers and at the same time about the goal to have OA be the primary method of recovering from compulsive eating by 2010.
Those ways of thinking and attitudes are so different from what the BB says. My own experience has been that this is a program for people who want it, NOT for people who need it. So many people come to meetings, and they are not ready yet for the program. Perhaps they have not hit bottom. Perhaps there is too much fear about what recovery will involve or fear of letting go of the food. Many still want to try another diet. And a LOT of us has fears or reservations about God or religion. I wonder how many people we drive away by pushing the program at them, or preaching one way of recovery?
I needed to be at bottom, to recognize that neither a diet, a therapist nor a church was going to be my answer. True, what I eat, my emotional health and outlook on life, and my relationship with the God of my understanding is all a part of the program, but I needed to be a point where I could accept that no single item was the answer. I needed to be where I was willing and able to let go of my old ideas, and be open to new answers and understanding. These could not be forced on me. I needed to be able to hear them myself, and accept those as part of my path in recovery. If I had been forced, preached at or pressured during my first meetings, I think I would have run.
Today when I talk with newcomers, I try to remember to let them know that I am available to answer questions, and I try to welcome them, but I also try to let them approach the program at their own pace. And for those who elect to leave, I try to keep the door of friendship open to them, remembering that by just being available as a friend and not pushing program, I may be allowing them to come back when or if they are ready.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 96, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance."
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Hi all,
Anne here compulsive overeater, and subs co-chair for today.
There is an old saying, "don't put all your eggs in one basket." Sometimes, I think that being the compulsive person that I am, I zero in on finding that ONE challenge (and usually the biggest one I can find) and beat my head senseless until I totally give up in exasperation at unable to make a dent. But those are all my issues, not the other persons. Learning to simply offer the gift of recovery to someone without the expectation that they will take it is something I have learned to do the hard way, and after many frustrating lessons.
One of my lessons began with my first sponsee. I truly wanted the recovery for her, I wanted her to be freed of this horrible disease. She was young, beautiful, and a fellow sexual abuse survivor like me. I called her, spending many hours long distance with her, encouraging her, trying to convince her to go to therapy, begging her to be willing to go to any lengths to recovery. Long story short, I could not make her want it, and several weeks later, my own program had suffered because I had placed too much focus in one place. Had I left her alone, would she have eventually wanted it for herself? God only knows, maybe. However, I felt personally let down because she hadn't made it. My wise sponsor reminded me yet again for the millionth time that desire to recover was NOT something I could give her and I needed to let it go and move on and get another sponsee. It was a hard lesson for me, but one I needed to learn.
The Big Book teaches me to just put the seeds out there and have faith that they will germinate as they are meant to. It does not suggest that I not cultivate a seed that is germinating, but rather, liberally sow as much as I can and allow it to fall as it may. It is my responsibility to offer recovery, it is the person's responsibility to desire recovery, and it is Higher Power's responsibility to do all the rest."
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 96-97, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Suppose now you are making your second visit to a man. He has read this volume and says he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of the program of recovery. Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice. Let him know you are available if he wishes to make a decision and tell his story, but do not insist upon it if he prefers to consult someone else.
He may be broke and homeless. If he is, you might try to help him about getting a job, or give him a little financial assistance. But you should not deprive your family or creditors of money they should have. Perhaps you will want to take the man into your home for a few days. But be sure you use discretion. Be certain he will be welcomed by your family, and that he is not trying to impose upon you for money, connections, or shelter. Permit that and you only harm him. You will be making it possible for him to be insincere. You may be aiding in his destruction rather than his recovery.
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Hello from Linda S, your co-chairperson for Wednesdays in August.
Since I've been in OA, I haven't had any OA members staying at my house and haven't worked closely with anyone in a face to face situation. In my pre-OA days, that was another matter. I had one friend who would phone during supper time and start out, "Hi, Linda! Guess what?" Ten minutes later, I would maybe be able to get a word in edgewise to tell her that now was not a good time for a call. She would get me to visit with her and delay my getting to exercise class to the point that I'd miss out on my warm-up period. I worked with her long after her psychologist gave up on her. When we moved away, I felt as if I had escaped. The relationship certainly wasn't good for either of us. A little over three years ago, following our car accident on the way to an OA retreat, my husband and I had stayed with my sponsor and her family for a few days while we purchased another car and rested up a little bit. But, we certainly had no intention of moving in. I am a sponsor to a number of people and, I think, there is a fine line between being compassionate and being codependent. Our goal should always be recovery--both for ourselves and for those we work with. We shouldn't just be enabling one another to stay sick.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 97, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Never avoid these responsibilities, but be sure you are doing the right thing if you assume them. Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights' sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home, or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he is violent. Sometimes you will have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under his direction. Another time you may have to send for the police or an ambulance. Occasionally you will have to meet such conditions."
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Hello all,
I'm Anne a compulsive eater and sub chair for Thursdays in August.
Helping someone else CONSISTENTLY is not easy. Let's face it, who likes to be awoken in the middle of the night when someone is wanting to binge? Who likes to have someone tell you to your face that you are full of #(*%&# ? Who likes having their lives inconvenienced at the expense of helping another person who at the time does NOT appreciate or want anything to do with you? Being consistently responsible IS hard, but the Big Book is clear to point out that helping others is the foundation of recovery. It does not say, "it would help it" or that "it will benefit it." No, it clearly states that it IS the foundation of recovery, the cornerstone, the crux of our sobriety.
It isn't the easiest way, but it is the surest way for our recovery. To recover requires challenges daily, action daily, and staying close to the true purpose of the program. It requires not just talking about wanting to help someone, but actually doing it. Daily.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 97, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"We seldom allow an alcoholic to live in our homes for long at a time. It is
not good for him, and it
sometimes creates serious complications in a family."
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Hello Chris here, COE and Friday co-chairperson for August.
My husband and I have had alcoholics and compulsive over eaters living with us at different times during our marriage. I am not an alcoholic and, although I recognized the addiction in my friends, having them in my house was not a problem. Watching overeaters in their disease did, even though I did not know they had a disease or did I know I suffered from the same disease.
Seeing this overeating disgusted me; I thought they were gluttons who made no attempt to control their eating or their weight. I had not thought about these experiences until now. It says elsewhere in the BB that if we see something in others we do not like, we should look inside ourselves. I believe I will remember to do that from now on. I was very uncomfortable watching these people overeating, but I did not know why.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 97, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Though an alcoholic does not respond, there is no reason why you should neglect his family. You should continue to be friendly to them. The family should be offered your way of life. Should they accept and practice spiritual principles, there is a much better change that the head of the family will recover. And even though he continues to drink, the family will find life more bearable."
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Brenda here COE and you co-chair for Saturdays for the month of August. If one member of the family can achieve sanity then the remainder of the family can run more smoothly. I found my sanity in the steps. Working the steps is the key to being restored to sanity. I was sure that I was insane, I spent years repeating the same mistakes (eating the same foods, dating the same types of men and using drugs) expecting different results. Before I could make a decision to seek help everybody had to let me go to my own ends. The steps teach family members to stop trying to save me. This results in me being responsible for my own messes. If one family member regains sanity they can then help the remaining family members towards sanity.
I look forward to hearing your shares. Thank you for letting me share.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 97-98, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing to get well, little charity, in the ordinary sense of the word, is need or wanted. The men who cry for money and shelter before conquering alcohol, are on the wrong track. Yet we do go to great extremes to provide each other with these very things, when such action is warranted. This may seem inconsistent, but we think it is not.
It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God."
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Hello Loopies,
I'm Anne, a compulsive overeater and your Sunday co-chair for August.
Today's passage brings to mind to me all the past excuses I have used to not want to stop my compulsive eating. For instance, IF I stop eating sugar, then I would become so unbearable that it would hurt my relationships. Or, IF I tackle the disease, what IF my life became even worst? That is, if I lose my "best friend," (food), what if my life becomes even worst? I created excuse after excuse.
As I looked at the passage for today, it seemed to me that needing money or a job is just another excuse to stay in the addiction and to hide behind it. Reliance upon anything other than a Higher Power to supply our needs ultimately fails. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can come between me and my Higher Power unless I chose to allow that. By the same token, nothing can come between me and my recovery and abstinence unless I chose to let it. No person. No situation. No possession or situation.
Choosing recovery regardless of my current life's circumstance today needs to stay a priority in my life even though doing so often is hard. However, it is a necessary decision we each have to make. The Big Book is clear: rely upon Higher Power first and foremost. Everything/everyone else is secondary.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 98, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well
regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean
house."
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Hello, LindaE here, Compulsive Overeater and Monday leader in August.
That paragraph gives the key to the entire program -- trust in our Higher Power and cleaning house through steps 4 through 9, then living the program in that same way day after day. Circumstances in life don't matter. Crises can be survived. Regardless, we can recover if we are willing to trust in God and clean house.
Yet it is sometimes difficult when worried or upset to remember that simple key to recovery. In the last 9 years of program so much has changed in my life. In 1991 I was reasonably healthy, active, working woman. I had grown a lot in program, lost more than 100 pounds, and was at a normal, healthy weight. My husband and I had come to have a wonderful relationship and were happier than we had been previously. Work was going well and I loved what I did.
Over the next few years much changed. My husband's job was phased out where we lived. He works in a highly specialized field, and we ultimately ended up with a "commuter relationship" with him living 550 miles from me. My health deteriorated greatly resulting in numerous hospitalizations and finally forcing me to retire from work on medical disability. Steroid medications and limited activity resulted in weight gain that is difficult to reverse. Through it all, it was possible to live my program, asking the God of my understanding for help and guidance, to show me what I needed to change, and trying to clean house and live the principles of the program in all my affairs. Did I do this perfectly without fail? No. But it was possible to talk with my sponsor about what was happening, pray for help, and trust that God would see me through all that was happening.
Oddly, it can be the irritating everyday things that are the most difficult to live through sanely and abstinently. In the hospital and at the worst of the health problems, I was able to focus on recovery and was not tempted by the food. Yet a couple years ago when the car wouldn't start, my first thought was: "I want something to eat." It was almost an automatic reaction that made me laugh at the insanity, but it was a strong desire. Last week when I left the house for a doctor's appointment, the car wouldn't start again. Another dead battery!! Progress in recovery reminded me of how we constantly grow and change. No thought of food -- I just went into the house, got the key to the truck, and went to the appointment. A true miracle of this program.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 98-99, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Now, the domestic problem: There may be divorce, separation, or just strained relations. When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration. Argument and fault-finding are to be avoided like the plague. In many homes this is a difficult thing to do, but it must be done if any results are to be expected. If persisted in for a few months, the effect on a man's family is sure to be great. The most incompatible people discover they have a basis upon which they can meet. Little by little the family may see their own defects and admit them. These can then be discussed in an atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness.
After they have seen tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along. These things will come to pass naturally and in good time provided, however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times. But we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree."
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Hi All. LindaE here filling in on Tuesdays for the last couple weeks in August.
This section of the book reminds me that what I have is a program of ACTION! It is great for me to say that I am sorry and to verbalize remorse, but it is essential for me to follow this through with a change in my behavior. How else can those I have wronged and mistreated in the past believe there is anything real to my words. Only by demonstrating what I say in deeds will they be able to let go of their anger and any ill will.
This also lets me know that it is my responsibility to keep my eyes on myself -- not on those around me. I am here to change me, not my husband, sister, boss or anyone else. Practicing the principles of the program is something I must do always -- not just in the rooms, but at work, in public and above all at home.
This can be the biggest challenge. Often I spend more hours at home than any place else, and the relationships there can be more stressful and more involved. It is one thing to be with you for an hour or two at a meeting or over coffee. It is another to live with you 4 or 5 hours, where we each have expectations of one another, and those expectations may or may not coincide. However, living my program is a 24-hour per day way of life. It is not just for the times it is convenient. To have the change needed to live this program to that extent, I **must** have a spiritual awakening from the God of my understanding. I can't do this on my own just by watching my behavior and being on guard. I have never been able to be on guard for that long a period of time.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 99, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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""If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should fully understand his new way of life. If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it is to the best interests of all concerned that a couple remain apart. Obviously, no rule can be laid down. Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties."
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Hello, everyone, from Linda S., your co-chairperson for Wednesdays in August.
The point of this reading is that the person in recovery should do nothing hastily. Such a person has his or her hands full just not practicing the addiction. Trying to resume a relationship would be a stressor, which could easily bring a return to the addictive behavior. Besides, the partner would need assurances that things have indeed changed for the better before wanting to resume the relationship. This is one of those passages, which seems to me to pertain especially to the alcoholic. It is true that the still practicing compulsive overeater can come up with some pretty outlandish behavior. I just find it difficult to believe that the partner who left a relationship would say, "Oh, you've stopped compulsive overeating. I'll move right back in." This person would probably not realize what big changes this could bring. It would indeed take time for the changes in behavior to show. This is probably a good thing since it would allow our fellow sufferer time to work the program and just have himself or herself to care for.
Thanks for letting me share. As someone whose thirtieth anniversary is approaching, I feel a little out of my depth writing about divorce and separation. I do feel that our marriage has improved since both of us became affiliated with OA. Who knows what would have happened without OA?
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 99-100, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn't so. In some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get well whose families have not returned at all. We have seen others slip when the family came back too soon."
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Hi, my name is Thumper and I'm a compulsive overeater and your substitute co-chairperson for Thursdays.
Many of us at times live under the delusion that if our lives and the situations around us were perfect, then we wouldn't suffer this compulsion to overeat. We imagine that if we were with our family or loved ones, or if we had the perfect job, or if our estranged spouse has returned to us, then finding the willingness to seek recovery would be so much easier. But is it?
I know from my own person experience that sometimes it is exactly at those times that life seems to be going so well that the compulsion to overeat sneaks up on me! I went through a divorce while in recovery but the trauma of divorce was such an obvious set up for returning to the food that I never really did suffer any severe urges to seek it out. However, it is when my marital life was on a more even keel that I had the most difficulty in remaining abstinent. It is the "cunning" aspect of this disease that I am most vulnerable to.
Saying that my abstinence would be easier if my spouse and I were to reconcile would be removing myself from the responsibility of my own recovery and putting it on them. If they behave properly or meet my expectations, then my food is good and if they don't do as I want them to do, then my food is bad? As long as my recovery is dependent on the behavior of others instead of on my HP, then I have little or no chance of keeping it.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 100, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!"
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Hello, Chris here, COE and Friday co-chairperson for the month of August.
Recently someone E-mailed me and asked me how OA was working in my life. I had not really thought about it. I have been busy with defining my food plan, working the steps and going to meetings. I knew that I had changed, and that my marriage was better, but I never actually knew why.
As some of you know, I agonized long and hard over the concept of a higher power and it got in the way of my recovery. I made a decision to let the "sunlight of the spirit", from the BB be my HP and I moved on. I do pray, although I no longer think about who or what I am praying to.
When answering this query from my OA friend, I found myself typing "never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would make a journey like this." I thought I knew who I was and what I was and although I didn't much like me, I did know I could change.
I doubt that the Big Book, or the online loops or even the f2f meetings could have brought about such a change in my inner being. There must be a power out there greater than all of us. :)
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 100, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"When working with a man and his family, you should take care not to participate in their quarrels. You may spoil your chance of being helpful if you do. But urge upon a man's family that he has been a very sick person and should be treated accordingly. You should warn against arousing resentment or jealousy. You should point out that his defects of character are not going to disappear over night. Show them that he has entered upon a period of growth. Ask them to remember, when they are impatient, the blessed fact of his sobriety.
If you have been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer's family how that was accomplished. In this way you can set them on the right track without becoming critical of them. The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism."
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Brenda here, COE.
Participating in quarrels. Over the course of my recovery I have found myself in a position where I could participate in a sponsee's quarrels with her spouse. A year ago a sponsee of mine separated from her partner of five years. It was very sudden. She had gone out of town for a few weeks to think and while she was away he called me to say that it was over and he would not be getting back together with her when she returned. She phoned me a week into the vacation to ask what was going on. I found myself unable to play dumb. I told her what he said. The result was almost a month of daily long distance phone calls one to four times a day. She leaned on me and I thought I was helping by supporting her. When she returned home her ex gave me his car to pick her up at the bus terminal as she was arriving in Buffalo and needed a ride to Toronto. His condition was that I get his house keys back and return them to him. She refused to give up the keys until she had moved her things out and I found myself in the middle once again. She moved in with us for a couple weeks and then she got back on her feet.
We were all in the same home group and I found it very uncomfortable. From the beginning I told them both that they were both my friends. Unfortunately not everybody in the group felt this way. The amount of talk about their private business made me sick. The people who thought they could decide which of them should stay in the group and who should go. I thought they should both be welcome and supported. In the end I chose to leave the group as I felt there were no principals before personalities being practiced at that group. Ironically both of my friends also left the group.
I learned two things from this experience it is very difficult to not pick a side when there are two people involved that you care about. Members of the home group should mind their own business. I am grateful that my partner and I do not attend any of the same meetings.
This year a sponsee of mine and her spouse separated for a couple weeks. He left her without any notice. She has two little kids and I provided her with lots of support. We went to extra meetings. She called me daily. I make it a practice to not give advice. I explore options and support my sponsees decisions. In this instance she decided that she needed to go on her own for a while. A while lasted two weeks. When he came back she quit calling. We met at a meeting and she told me he was back. I said I knew that and she asked me what I thought of him and of her decision. I told her I support whatever decision she makes as long as she does not use. As far as her partner is concerned I have no opinion on him because I believe each story has three sides: her side, his side and the truth.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 100-101, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."
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Hi, my name is Thumper and I'm a compulsive overeater and the substitute co-chairperson for Sunday's post.
The opinions expressed here are my own and don't represent this loop, the Recovery Groups, or OA as a whole. I've seen much controversy around this section of text. I've even seen it taken out of context and used to justify the use of binge or trigger foods by those who feel that their HP has somehow made them immune from the effects these foods use to have on them. I keep in mind this segment of text from the Big Book that was looked at in an earlier study: "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his eating is the great obsession of every compulsive overeater. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.... The delusion that we are like other people or presently may be has to be smashed." For myself, to convince myself that I'm spiritually fit enough to eat sugar is a delusion that will kill me.
At the other extreme, I've heard people claim to be so sensitive about food that even mention of their particular binge food while at an OA meeting sets them up for a return to compulsive overeating. This may be true, but I would wonder how these people manage to drive down the street and ignore the billboards and golden arches that strive so hard to gain our attention. To draw an analogy from the text, the only way we can avoid food is to hide inside our houses, refuse to read the newspaper, and keep the television turned off, but even then some kid selling candy is bound to knock on our doors sooner or later.
Much of this has to do with comfort levels for me. I do believe I could keep my binge foods in my house and not be tempted to eat them, but why would I do that? To prove how spiritually fit I am? When I go to a buffet, I take a recovering friend with me so that our combined strengths help me feel safe. I get so much support from my HP but I still believe I'm responsible for the footwork and sometimes that footwork involves staying away from temptation.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 101-102, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made and important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?" If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!
Why sit with a long face in places where there is drinking, sighing about the good old days. If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there; if a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically. If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means go along. Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor."
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Hello! LindaE here, compulsive overeater and leader on Mondays.
To me, what the Big Book is saying in the above passages is that we are to go out and live our lives, with joy and enthusiasm. In working the program I embarked on a new way of living, where I am thinking of others and looking at what I can put into life. My primary goal is to be of service to God and others, giving joyfully where I can.
In doing this, I do not have the right to deny others or to ask them to totally revise their lives to meet my needs. Yes, making reasonable requests are appropriate. When I am in a precarious position I ask my spouse to refrain from keeping tempting binge foods in the house. Note that the request is to not keep them in the house on a routine basis. I do not ask that he refrain from eating them either at home or in my presence. If he wants chips or dessert or a snack he is more than welcome to it. I just ask that he not bring bags and jars and boxes home where they are a continuous temptation. When we go out I don't ask that we go only to certain places. I am confident that I can get something I want and enjoy at any restaurant within reason. Most places can serve grilled chicken and a salad or some type of meat and vegetables and a salad even if it is not on the menu as such. I just need to be willing to ask. Yes, it may cost a little more, but I believe that my abstinence and my recovery are worth it.
When I'm with friends or family, I also do not make a major issue of how I eat or sit there looking longingly at what others can have but is not part of my abstinence. I focus on the social aspect of the event; or on whatever business I am conducting if it is a business dinner.
But more than anything, I have discovered there are two "rules" I need to keep in mind. First, is that my success will depend totally on my spiritual condition. My disease does not take a vacation, so I cannot take a "vacation" from my contact with HP. Each day I need to ask for help and guidance in all areas of my life -- including with the food. I ask that HP be in charge, and to help me make wise decisions concerning what I will eat. Second, if I'm going to be in a social situation, I try to make at least a tentative plan for what and how I will eat. I look at the day, and keep in mind that I will be dining out when I make choices for other meals. I've discovered that if I have at least an idea of what I will select that I am much less tempted to make a spur-of-the-moment choice which is very likely to be a poor one. In my experience, there is a lot of truth in the saying, "Failing to plan is planning to fail." Therefore, I endeavor to have at least a rough plan in mind.
Beyond that, I go out and live my life each day, neither avoiding foods or the topic of them, nor seeking them out for "vicarious" pleasure.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", pages 102-103, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.
Many of us keep liquor in our homes. We often need it to carry green recruits through a severe hangover. Some of us still serve it to our friends provided they are not alcoholic. But some of us think we should not serve liquor to anyone. We never argue this question. We feel that each family, in the light of their own circumstances, ought to decide for themselves."
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Hi Everyone. LindaE here and filling in on Tuesdays the end of August. My role at this point is to be of the greatest helpfulness to others, not hesitating to be of service. That is a tough ideal for me to live up to and I doubt that I do it well. How often have I declined giving service or stepping out of my comfort zone because it would be inconvenient for me? Lots of times -- the weather was bad (in Las Vegas that means that it may be sprinkling outside), there is something on TV, I'd rather be reading. Yes, there are times that I need to say no -- but aren't there REALLY other times when I could be of service and I'm just declining because I don't want to inconvenience myself?
Moving beyond that to my role as a sponsor, how often do I fail to give my best because I am unwilling to confront a sponsee about excuses or their "stuff"? Hey! They may not like me -- and yet haven't I frequently grown the most when a sponsor or another OA member confronted ME? Not to hurt a person -- but what about a simple, "Are you sure that isn't an excuse to stay in the disease?" Or perhaps, "You aren't doing any service. Shouldn't you be living all the steps of the program, including Step 12? How are you willing to change that?" Said with love -- but SAID.
For me to live the program as outlined in today's passage, I think that I have to be willing to move out of my comfort zones and do some of the things that frighten me. No, it isn't really what I **want** to do -- but it is part of growing in the program and moving forward in recovery.
THE QUESTIONS
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read from AA Big Book, Chapter 7, "Working With Others", page 103, adapted to compulsive overeating.
Respond to questions about this reading.
Text of "Working With Others"
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"We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witch-burners. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity. We would not even do the cause of temperate drinking any good, for not one drinker in a thousand likes to be told anything about alcohol by one who hates it."
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Greetings from Linda S, your co-chairperson for Wednesdays in August.
I sort of had to chuckle as I read this passage and tried to convert it so it pertains to compulsive overeaters. I don't think a one of us has a hatred or intolerance of eating itself. I'll bet most of us don't even hate overeating since it had been a friend to us in the past, a behavior that, although not the best, helped us to cope. Perhaps the compulsive aspect is more abhorrent to us. Hopefully, we can understand that those we are trying to help won't hate overeating either. They will probably just hate the effects that they can see, most notably, fat.
When I deal with newcomers to OA, I am always very open about how much and how often I ate and I usually speak quite specifically about the odd things that I consumed. Rather than repel new people, they tend to relax and relate when they hear this. There is little that you, or I could have eaten which a newcomer hasn't also eaten. I think they would think I had never had a problem with food and that I would preach at them about risk to their health if I wasn't specific about what and how I ate before coming to OA. I let the newcomer know that he or she is one of us. Although I never tell them they have to stop overeating to be healthy or to stay alive, I tell them that I don't need to eat the way I used to. I try to be very gentle and understanding with the newcomer, to let the person know that he or she hasn't done anything shocking or evil. I approach my statements from the stance of my personal experience, strength and hope. It helps me to remember how I felt in my early days at meetings and think of what put me at ease.
THE QUESTIONS
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