March 30, 2000

Wow, I am finally rested!! I got to sleep in ‘til 8:00 am this morning! So all this morning, I’ve been fixing the links on my pages and I’ve added 2 must see journals, you’ve got to check out these two sites: Gillian’s Weightloss Journal and Pamela’s Place . Gillian is in college and she’s trying to lose some weight. Her page is awesome, totally aesthetically pleasing and it’s got some good writing in it. Pamela’s Page is excellent, she is a totally motivated woman working her way down to 125 pounds. Pamela updates her page daily. So please support these pages by paying them a visit.

I’ve finally fixed the buddy bio page and ta da, a picture of Shawn and me. He went on a diet in January and he’s lost about 30 pounds so far. The amazing thing is that he got on a diet when he hit 300 pounds. He’s 6’2 and he’s got a large frame but he was getting large, we both were. He made unwise choices when eating like eating 2 whoppers in one sitting and a whole pizza from Papa Johns. He was making excuses about exercising…he was like, “I’ll jog when it gets warmer out”, I told him that was bullshit because he could be jogging indoors where there’s warmth…he got mad and then the next day he went out for a jog and he’s now addicted to it. I’m proud of him for making the effort. I haven’t seen him since January so I bet I will see some difference in the way he looks. I secretly get jealous how men can lose faster than women, here I’ve been on my diet since May 1999 and lost 44 pounds, he’s been on the diet since mid January and lost 30 pounds. It’s not fair! But I am taking it slow so it’s not about how much I lose but how healthy I become. Though, I got to thinking about partners and weightloss/weightgain…and I got to wonder about how many of you out there have a partner that is overweight too and what happens when you are losing weight and they are not? Do they support you?Humm…just wondering but if you want to comment leave a post on the buddy board or send me an email because I am quite curious. I know I gained all my weight with Shawn and I tend to blame him for my weight gain. I went from 150 to 225 in about seven months when I was with him. My last boyfriend was in great shape and he would get on me about exercising so I would exercise for him not me. Then when I met Shawn, I thought it was great that he was lazy…and he liked me for me. Unfortunately, I stopped the exercise and I got heavy. I lost my self-esteem and I was miserable. I’m just glad that I made a change for the healthier living style. I feel great and I’m looking great! Take care all-Kellie

March 27, 2000

Everything is looking rosy. The diet is doing okay but I hit a plateau again but that’s okay because it’s that time again so it’s perfectly natural. I’ll probably be 3 pounds lighter next week! I should have known that I would stick at 193 for a while but heck, it’s all good.

I’m hoping to exercise a little tomorrow because I didn’t have time today because I had to do little busy stuff. For one of my classes I had to go to the University of Louisville’s Emergency Psychiatric Service and that was a little whacked out…needless to say I know now that I am going to specialize in working with teenagers because I really don’t enjoy working with adults who have major psychiatric disorders. I have two pet peeves when it concerns psychiatric disorders, people who have a borderline and schizophrenia diagnosis. Those two disorders just annoy the crap out of me…it’s just hard for me to work with people with those two disorders. Possibly, it is due to the adult thing, I don’t know but I need to work on my tolerance and understanding of those disorders so I can be a better social worker. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

March 24, 2000

Exercise: Machines and Treadmill (20 minutes).

Argh…I’m thinking about it again…I promised that I wouldn’t do that anymore but I am I’m thinking about my future. My friend sent me this email:

You see we got into this conversation at lunch yesterday about what I’m doing with my future and what am I going to do with Shawn. I love Shawn but it’s like difficult for me to decide if I want a future with him. I guess I’m scared. I’ve always been kind of scared to commit to him fully. I think I’m afraid to grow up…maybe I’m afraid to get older. I feel myself getting older, I see my parents getting older and you know what that’s really scary (I’m emotional right now as I write this…it bothers me that much). Maybe I’m emotionally stupmed right now I love my life right now, everything is good, and I hate the thought of change. I hate the idea of moving back up to Michigan and my folks being 8 hours away. I know I need to go where the money is but it hurts my heart to be so far away from them. Me and the folks are really close, I’m not too sure if I’m ready to put Shawn first. Getting down to it, I’m afraid I will become the person I used to be. I’ve made all these changes since leaving Michigan, and I’m afraid I will have to be that Kellie again…and I’m not the same person. Humm, I’ll figure it out but I need to calm down about it because worrying will get a person no where. Yuck…hate change!!!

March 24, 2000

Exercise: swimming and treadmill.

I made it through the week, it’s amazing. I’m just glad I’m done for a while (or until Monday). I have to work on Saturday and Sunday so the weekend will probably go by fast. It kind of stinks that I have to work but heck it’s money so I can’t complain too much there.

I didn’t feel like time my laps yesterday and today. I was in the shallow end pool (3 – 5 ft, I usually swim in the 5 – 12 ft side). I hate the swallow end because it’s busier but I should be happy that I even got a lane because private schools swim at the pool and it’s nearly impossible to get a lane after 3:30 p.m. I usually swim in the morning but this week has been hectic so I’ve had to go at night. I like swimming in the morning because it’s quiet, it’s like my moment of Zen where I can relax and focus. But when it’s busy, I have trouble concentrating on my swimming because of the noise or the excessive about of waves from the people in the pool. Though, I love to swim. Speaking about the pool, I saw something great today while I was swimming. There was a woman who was doing aqua aerobics who was 400 pounds, I overheard her talking to someone and in the last year she has lost 120 pounds. She’s still confined to a wheel chair most of the time but you know what? She’s exercising! She’s moving around and strengthening her bodies. So to anyone that’s not exercising…ya have no excuse! I know I took me a while to get exercising when I first started the diet but now I can’t live without it. The benefits are overwhelming; I’m getting stronger, leaner, and the physiological aspects are excellent. My mental health is actually better (most of the time!) So please make the time and the effort for some exercising because it’s worth it. Well that’s it for me, take care all-Kellie

March 22, 2000

Exercise: 32 laps of swimming and machines.

Wow, it’s been 10 days since I have been in the pool and it felt great to dive back into it. I bought some Speedo’s in TN so I wore one of the new one’s today under my old suit. I’m going to wear my old suit over the new one until I break it in. It felt kind of strange because my old suit is really worn out and the new one hugged my body tight…but you know Speedo’s, they stretch out real quick! I was really surprised to see that my times were not bad. I was expecting to see some slower times but they were really good. Surprising!

I still feel rushed this week but I’m doing better. I have a 10-page ethnography paper due tomorrow, which is causing me a lot of stress. The professor who was teaching the class had to have an operation so someone else is teaching the class and he’s real anal about things and grading…you know that philosophy no paper can be an “A” paper. I just keep on telling myself one more month, one more month, and then I’m out of school. I had a job offer on the phone last night but I declined because it was in Oklahoma and the pay was very bad. It sounded more like a bachelor’s level job. I put my application into the State of Michigan yesterday, maybe I’ll hear something from them but I’m not going to panic yet because I just want some time to relax before I start to work. Besides, I will be bombarded with weddings this summer. I have one to go to in the month of May and 2 in June. ‘Tis the season to get married! Unfortunately I don’t have those feelings yet. The more I see my friends get married the more I start to panic. I’m just not ready yet. Well that’s it for me today…wish me luck on the paper!-Kellie

March 20, 2000

Exercise: Treadmill 240 calories and machines

I had a great weekend but it all went too fast! Now I am playing catch up for goofing up last week because I have a ton of stuff to do with only a little amount of time to do it in. Gosh, this week has just started and I am racing…and I don’t have a break until next week!

I worked yesterday for the first time. It went smoothly accept it was mildly freaky when a resident heard voices and he was arguing with them…the staff members didn’t warn me about that, it would have been good to know! All I have to do there is baby-sit. Basically, I just supervise and do homework, what more could you ask in a job? The job seems pretty easy. Today I had to go to CPI Training. Yup, Kristina more SPM crap…They say the tactics we are learning is a non-violent intervention approach but I am wondering who are they trying to fool? That stuff is loaded with violence, especially when it concerns a patient going after a staff person. Basically, the training is supposed to keep us “safe”. Who knows, but to tell you the truth, I have never felt “safe” when a psychotic person came after me. I’m just glad I’m getting paid for the training.

I put up a new pic but after seeing it, I decided to go back to the jeans concept because I can monitor the progress much better. I have a new jean pic but it’s on my film camera and I need to get it developed this week so I can post it up. The new pair of jeans are a pair of men’s Levi’s size 34x32. I wore them originally when I was 170lbs, so that is my new goal, to get into those jeans again. Concerning those jeans, when I took the picture in them yesterday, my mom told me to tuck in the pockets. When I did, guess what I found? $20! I can’t believe it! I hadn’t worn them since January of 1997 so it was my lucky day yesterday. I’m broke so I really needed that money! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

March 16, 2000

When I got home yesterday from the Smokies, I was tired. I went to bed at 9:00 and got up at 8:00, so I got a full nights sleep. The trip was really fun; I went with my friend Teresa and her cousin Sue. We went all over Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge. We did some tourist things and went SHOPPING, CHA-CHING!! I found some great deals down there, I got 2 Speedo’s for $60 bucks, I got an old navy tee for $5, and a bottle of wine for my folks for $9. Then on the way up, we stopped at my folks for lunch. Teresa knows all about cows and my dad wanted her too look at them to see if they were pregnant. We’ll she said if they are, they are only a few months so my dad is relieved because he thought they were pregnant and due in June so he’ll have no excuses for racing home during the summer when we take a trip to Michigan. Speaking of my folks, I’m going to go home this weekend so I can spend some time with them. I haven’t been home (overnight that is) since early February and I could tell that they wanted a visit from me so I’m going to be gone again this weekend. On an eating note, I was pretty good…all but Tuesday, I had some hot wings and 2 bud lites, I had to have ‘em! Luckily, I didn’t gain anything.

I start my new job on Sunday. I’m kind of nervous because I haven’t gotten any orientation into the program, luckily I am working with another colleague so that will be great. I’m not freaked out about working, nor am I excited…I guess the sad thing is that I am just interested in the money. I’m working four shifts this month so that will be an extra $200 in my bank account. I really need that money because my financial situation is sort of poor right now so as soon as I start working and get my tax refund, I will be safe but right now it’s pretty tight. Isn’t that every college person’s story?

Ah, I got an email the other day while I was gone that asked me if I allowed people I know personally about my journal…which is a good question. I don’t. If I did, I would definitely be in the doghouse from some of my postings. I guess I would feel odd about having a family member or someone I knew checking out my site. The number one person who would freak me about seeing my journal would be Shawn…he has no clue that I have an online journal. I would feel almost violated if someone very close to me knew my inner thoughts because the journal is not only about dieting but also personal issues. Though, it’s me and sometimes it’s scary to open yourself up to someone like that in real life…or heck, maybe I’m not at that point. Some how I was always brought up with the notion that you only tell people so much…Oh well! Well folks, wish me a good weekend and I will be back on Monday. Take care-Kellie

March 12, 2000

Exercise: 32 laps of swimming and treadmill.

My parents are upset…not at me though, but at my sister. Carrie applied to Michigan State’s school of Speech Pathology but now she’s saying that she doesn’t want to go to graduate school unless the school gives her a full scholarship. Yes, she does have a 4.0 overall GPA at MSU but if they will give her a full scholarship, which is questionable. Carrie has never had to work what so ever. In her 22 years of living she has held 2 jobs, one at Meijers and the other at a group home for the elderly. Her combined amount of time for working these jobs was 5 months. I’m the total opposite; I wanted to work when I turned 16. Two weeks before I turned 16 I went out job hunting. I landed a job at Meijers as a bagger. Carrie was never expected to work, when she got a job at Meijers she hooked up with this guy named Carl, he worked there too. Carl was an idiot; he smothered her at work so she ended up quitting (this lead to their breakup). Then she met Dennis and they started dating. Dennis was a merchant marine so he was making some serious money so Carrie was taken care of…actually she’s always been taken care of, someone has always looked after her whether it was my folks or a boyfriend. I’ve never had that luxury; I’ve been independent, on my own. Now it comes graduation time and out of the blue she announces that she doesn’t want to pay for graduate school. She says she won’t make enough money in the field to justify forking out $14,000 to go to graduate school. Hum, welcome to reality Carrie! I’ve forked out $25,000 for the last two years and so I expect to make a ton of money in social work? Hell No! So my folks are upset…they are afraid to think of her future because her degree in communications is worthless. Carrie said she’d work with Dennis so they can save money to start a group home for the elderly. When I chatted with my mom on the phone today she was crying, she said she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t want to continue on, she said they have wasted their money on Carries education, she says she will be a “good mom” and stay out of their business. I listened to her and I tried to help but I couldn’t offer too much. I can’t say anything to Carrie either because she gets mad or she’ll cry, saying I’m attacking her. Then she’ll get mad and won’t talk to me for months…so I’ve learned my lesson; I have to stay out of her business. The only thing I could tell mom is that at least she provided Carrie with an undergraduate degree and it’s up to her how she uses it. It’s her life so we can’t do much. I just hope things work out for her whether it be graduate school or work.

I had a good weekend. I decide to change the index page because I was inspired by my new scanner…it can make new collages so I thought what a better way to attract people to my page is seeing what losing what can do to one’s body. I know when I look at others pages, the front page is the most important thing because it decides if you are going to stay a while and browse or if you are going to go on. When Teresa and I go to Pigeon Forge, TN we are going to stop at my parents on the trip back and I’ll get a picture because I haven’t had one for a month. I’ve lost 5 pounds since then so it would be nice to see a new one. Well folks wish me a nice trip tomorrow and I will see y’all on Wednesday.-Kellie 237/193/140 53 more to go!!!!

March 9, 2000

Exercise: treadmill

It’s one of those weeks again and I am finally going to get the rest I deserve! Spring break is next week so I’m taking a mini-vacation with my friend Teresa. We’re going to Pigeon Forge next week for three days! Do you know how long it’s been since I have been on a vacation? Years..I don’t count my trips up to Michigan as vacations because really they are not leisure orientated. I think I will be okay when it comes to eating because when I’m with Teresa, I usually watch myself pretty good.

This week has been usually hectic, my classes are driving me nuts! I have 5 more weeks left, which is totally unbelievable. If I don’t get my dream job, I’m moving back to Michigan where I can get paid what I am worth. Even though I would rather stay in Louisville, the plain and simple truth is that there is a saturation of social workers here, the Kent School pumps out 300 MSW’s a year, so job salaries are not competitive. I figure if I go back up North, I can market myself a little better because I am using narrative therapy (which is a joke down here…heck, if I go up there, they may think different is better). I figure I can live in the metro Detroit area. I use to live in Ferndale/Oak Park so I know the area rather well. But I’m not worrying about it! I’m just flipping through ideas, who knows if they will stick!

For lunch I had the yummiest thing for lunch today, a hot chicken wrap. They made it at the college food court. They took chicken cooked in hot sauce, a tortilla, a tbsp. of bleu cheese dressing, a handful of lettuce, some cheese, and wrapped it! It was so good that I’m going to try to make one tonight for dinner.

I got my new UMAX scanner and it is wonderful!!! I had a junk scanner before so I think I’m going to rescan some pics on my page because it takes them so long to load, which pisses people off. I’m sorry folks, I’m just an amateur when it comes to this web stuff and having a crappy scanner didn’t help. Shawn yelled at me because I was scanning my pics at a high resolution. Shawn is a graphic designer, more on the marketing stuff, I have no idea what’s that called but he doesn’t do any of the web design. He’s hoping when he gets a new job that they will teach him advanced HTML. Though I couldn’t help it because my pics on the low res. were awful, I couldn’t even make them out. Currently Shawn is unemployed right now because his former company was bought out and they let go of the marketing department so he’s been job searching but so far no luck. They paid out his contract for a year so he’s okay financially but he’s getting pretty bored sitting around doing nothing. I hope he gets a job soon…for his sake. When I first met Shawn, it blew my mind that he was majoring in art. I guess I had a stereotype of what artists where…artsy, dark humored, wearing black, smoked a pot and did other various drugs, etc. Shawn is more of the fan boy, comic loving, creature. He was especially good at modern type of art things…he did this one display with 4 nine inch nails which he drove them through a piece of wood, colored some coconut green, and put the strawberries on the nails and labeled it “Don’t Eat the Strawberries”. His professor loved it so much; he took slides of the strawberries as they decomposed. I loved that piece, it was pretty creative. Well all, that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

March 6, 2000

Exercise: 32 laps, 4 pull, machines, and treadmill.

Weird workout day today…when I got out of the pool I felt very exhausted and I must admit I did something stupid, I didn’t cool down today because I needed to get into the locker room before 9:20. At 9:20, they shut down the locker room for 25 minutes and they clean it. So I was trying to be sly and try to get in there before the cleaning, it was getting late so after swimming my laps, instead of cooling down, I got out of the pool. I felt horrible, kind of dizzy like, so I go in the locker room and dress. I make it to the weight room and I convince myself to go in. I get in there and start doing the fly machine and I felt weak, like I was going to pass out. So I decided to leave. When looking at what happened, I did two stupid things: I didn’t cool down and I didn’t have anything to eat before swimming. Usually when I swim, I try to at least eat an orange before going and I drink at least 20 oz. of water so I could be hydrated. So what valuable lesson did I learn today??? COOL DOWN AND EAT!! I’m stupid sometimes I know! I wanted to do the machines so I went back today after my internship and worked out. It actually felt better so I think I’ll go swimming in the mornings M – Th and MWF nights I will do the machines and treadmill. Though, I will not be pulling any more stunts like that again…I learned from my mistake!

Speaking of working out, I was viewing another journal and I found that Self magazine is having a SELF CHALLENGE so you all should check it out because it looks pretty good. Take care all-Kellie

March 5, 2000

Exercise: 25 minutes treadmill

Guess what?!?!?!? I LOST THREE POUNDS THIS WEEK!!! The last time this happened was back in December. I can’t believe it. The only thing I did different this week was that I quite out the snacking at night and I ate 3 meals a day with a fruit for a snack in the morning. Plus TOM went away so maybe the water retention did too.

I haven’t been able to swim since Wednesday because the pool has been closed for swim meets on Fri, Sat, and today so I just worked out in the weight room. Today I did the treadmill for 25 minutes, I would have preferred to swim but I guess some exercise is better than no exercise. I vegged out a little today and I caught the infomercial for Tae-Bo and the tapes really caught my attention so I decided that I wanted the Tae-Bo tapes. Well I get in my car and drive all over Louisville to locate the tapes (8 different stores to be exact) and every store is out of them…Tae-Bo is no where to be found! I guess it wasn’t meant to be…I know I’ll eventually pick up the tapes somewhere but then I got to thinking where can I add them to my workout program? Should I do it on my machines/weight day or my swim only days, or would that destroy my weight train days? Hmm…I don’t know so I guess I will have to do some researching on that.

As for the job thing, I did some thinking and I came to the conclusion: I am not going to worry about it until after graduation. I should enjoy the time I have left and I should take a long VACATION because when will I ever have a vacation like that? NEVER, except for when I am pregnant. So I should sit back, relax, and go where the tides take me! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

March 3, 2000

Exercise: Treadmill 25 minutes and machines.

I felt thin today. It was a strange feeling…it was like I looked in the mirror and said wow, I’m getting thinner! Maybe I felt this way because I wore my “thin” jeans for the first time in 3 years. The thin jeans are the jeans in my progress pictures. This morning when I was getting ready for school and they were just laying near my bed so I decided to put them on. At first I was afraid to wear them because I didn’t want a camel toe…after looking in the mirror, they looked good (no camel toe) I decided to wear them out. I must admit, I felt good about it because if you told me a year ago I would be wearing those jeans, I would have laughed at you. I’m so glad I adopted a healthier living style. I used to cry myself to sleep at nights…yes, some may call that pathetic, but I did. My weight worried me, I didn’t want to be heavy yet, I couldn’t find the solution to my problems. Thank goodness I found weight watchers when I did!

How many of you hate your driver’s license? How many have you lied on your driver’s license how much you weigh? I was lucky in Michigan that I didn’t have to put my weight on it but in Kentucky, I had to supply a weight. When I was at the licensing office, I fought with the woman over putting my weight on my license. I told her it was no one’s business how much I weighed. She gave me some line of crap of how it’s supposed to be on there. So I lied and said I was 200 pounds…which at the time, I was around 240. There was no way in hell I would admit to being 240 on my driver’s license then. My other bad id is my school id. It’s so close up and crappy looking, I hate to show it to anyone but I’ll share it with y’all!

My weekend is going to be pretty quiet. I need to clean my place, go to Meijers to grocery shop, and I think I’m going to hit the Freedom Hall Convention Center tomorrow because they are having an indoor flea market…I can’t miss that! Anyways, take care all!-Kellie

March 2, 2000

I’m stressed…school and personal! I’m getting nutty about this school thing because I’m graduating in two short months and I am officially done April 18! Okay, I’m scared…confused…worried. I hate change; yes it’s true. I’m the type of person that doesn’t change their living room/bedroom furniture…that’s how bad I am, I just hate change. As it gets closer to graduation I have to make all these decisions like do I move back up to Michigan so I can make money? Or do I stay in Louisville and get paid less than I am worth? Do I make an effort to stay with Shawn by moving closer to him? Or do I break it off, in search of a new partner? Will I get a great job? Or will I just accept one that comes along? ARGH!! It’s too much for me to handle. Plain and simple, I just want to be happy. I’m happy right now but it’s like I’m so afraid for my future, is that normal??? I know I didn’t feel this way when I graduated with my BS degree because I knew I was going for my Master’s degree. So it’s time to face reality. When I try to talk to people about it they just look at me funny, like why in the heck are you stressing? They say you’re single, non-attached, you should go where you want to…I wish it was that simple. Only time will tell where I go.

I was at my internship yesterday for 9 ½ hours folding materials for my research project. I’m conducting a research study of the effectiveness of the program. I had to fold 120 questionnaires and envelopes. Let’s just say it was a long and stressful day. When I finally got home at 9:30, I was so tired that I couldn’t think straight. I made myself a quick dinner and then I hoped into bed. "Clunky" (she clunks when she walks across the floor) the girl upstairs, awakened me from my deep slumber. She was moaning too loud…we are not talking the regular moaning that goes on during love making but the exaggerated moans like "OOOOHHHHHHOOOO!!! OHOHOHO MY GOD!!!" this went on for 15 minutes combined with the earth shaking noises that accompanied the bed squeaking. I was getting pissed because here it was 12:30 and they were making a racket. There’s nothing wrong with making noises but when they are that loud, it makes me think one of two things: he’s either very good or she’s faking it! They finally they quite about 12:45 but it was hard for me to get back to sleep. Ah, the joys of living on the first floor. She’s a pretty bad neighbor when it comes to courtesy because she’ll vacuum at 12:00 at night, she’s loud, I can hear her every move, and she looks like a little twit. I’ve only seen her once or twice and I said hi to her but she acted like I wasn’t there. Twit! It’s amazing how one can live in a place and not know their neighbors!

Oh, there are some pages I want you all to check out Melissa. She's a regular to this site and I get great supportive emails from her (Thanks Melissa!). She’s using the Prism Plan so please pay her site a visit. Anji, is in her early twenties and she’s been journalizing since July. I really like her site because she’s a swimmer too, she’s got lots of pics, and she journals just about every day. There was another sight that I wanted you to visit but I messed up the link to it, so if you’re out there reading my journal, it was similar to lifebutton24 @ geocities. Please drop me a line so I can get it right! Sorry about that!

I’m sending back my digital camera…it’s a bust. I guess you get what you pay for. Instead, I’m going to buy a camera and a new scanner. The scanner I have now is a piece of crap. I bought it two years ago from egghead.com for $20. So I’m going to get a UMAX scanner and a Fudge camera with a timer. Hopefully that will do the trick. I originally bought the camera for my ebay stuff and my diet page but the pics from the digital camera were so bad, I decided it wasn’t worth it. We’ll see. Well that’s it for me, take care all! Kellie