November 30, 1999

Exercise: 20 minutes of swimming

Damn, it must be overweight issue night on television. First PBS had that Frontline Special named FAT, which was fabulous. It spoke about all issues with weight and people. If you can catch it on PBS, it’s really informative. I was just finishing up a paper when the Mama Love show came on (man, it’s 11:30 but I think I’m going to stay up to watch the whole thing) she’s having an overweight women’s issue program where women are asking their loved ones forgiveness for being overweight. Oh, it’s actually sad because these women are begging their family to forgive them for being overweight. Guest #1 the woman was raped by 6 men; she found her solace in food because she wanted to protect herself from the outside world. The woman’s husband was a pathetic prick because he said he didn’t accept her reasons for gaining the weight and he told her to get over the rape! Damn, how ignorant is he? I’m sorry but I wouldn’t want to beg for forgiveness for anyone that did not accept me because I’m overweight. Needless to say Guest#1’s hubby did not come through the door. Guest #2, was 135 pounds and she gained up to 300, in one year due to a chronic illness. Her boyfriend stopped being sexual with her when she gained all her weight. Her boyfriend did walk through the door and he’s still attracted to her/loves her with all his heart. He just didn’t want to hurt her physically. So there was a lack of communication there. Thank goodness a happy story after that last one, I thought it was going to be bad. Okay, I have to stop watching because I need to go to bed!

I had a super fast workout today. I jumped in the pool and just swam 31 laps continuously. I was limited in time because I had to pick up one of my clients and take her to an ultrasound appointment. She’s due on Dec. 13th but by the feedback on the ultra sound she’s going to have a very big baby so they are going to induce labor next Tuesday. I’m her labor coach so this is going to be my first birth. It’s amazing to be around pregnant women, especially when I have never been around anyone that was pregnant. I’m learning a ton of stuff. Plus, I have a higher appreciation for all mothers.

Only 3 more days before Friday…ah, can I make it? Yup, everything is going okay so far. I just have to type up some of my papers and work on my projects all tomorrow and I’ll be all set. Good luck all-Kellie

November 28, 1999

Okay, I must confess, I ate like crap the 2 out of the 5 days I was gone but guess what? I only gained a whole pound. I was so lucky! I didn’t even overeat on Thanksgiving. I had my plate of turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and mashed potatoes. My downfall is that I ate out on Friday and Saturday. We went out to lunch on Friday to a small down home diner and I had a cheseburger, coleslaw, and some fries. Then on Saturday, we celebrated my sister’s 22nd birthday (her b-day is the 30th) so we went to the Chinese buffet and I ate so much that my tummy felt like it was going to burst…shame on me because we all just ate and ate. I don’t want to see another buffet for a long, long time. Overall, my gorging was not worth it. Yeah, I only gained a pound but if feel kind of yucky about it. I know it sounds strange but I do!!

Overall, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I love my family so much…I swear sometimes I come from one of the few functional families left in our society. My parents are great. They have always made me and my sister a major priority in life. I feel loved. Man, I must have done something really, really, good in my past lives to have people like them in my life. They have done so much for my sister and I, that the list would be too long to say all the good they have done. They are honest folks and you don’t see too many around like that. Ah, it makes me smile to have people like them in my life. Yeah, they may not be perfect but they are pretty damn close.

This week is going to be tough at school. It’s finals week and I have 4 major projects due on Thursday and Friday! Argh…I’m going to be running around like a dead chicken with my head cut off. Wish me a stress free week and strength for me to get through it safely. Darn, who ever thought of having school end a week after Thanksgiving was crazy but at least I get a month and a week off! Well that’s it for me tonight, take care all-Kellie 237/200/140 60 more pounds to go!!!

November 24, 1999

Hi all, things are a little bit better here….at least I’ve calmed down a bit. I’ve decided against taking my computer home (my monitor weighs 48 pounds! and I just don’t want the hassle to deal with it). So I will be taking off as soon as I take a shower and get my stuff together. I have a ton of stuff to take home like my clothes (dirty), school work and books, and the turkey so I will try to not forget anything.

Honestly, I feel like tomorrow’s dinner is controlling me. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving but really in a sense I feel the food is controlling me. I have to get over it because Thanksgiving is not all about food but it’s about spending time with people you care about. So if I allow my self to freak out, I am only making it worse on myself psychologically. I will stick to my game plan. I am allowing myself to eat one plate of food and that’s it. No sneaking leftovers! In the past, I am notoriously known for sneaking stuffing later but I’m not going to do that, not this holiday because I’m a new person, and I have changed my eating habits.

As far a school goes, my semester ends next Friday, can you believe that? Damn, these Kentucky schools get out early for their breaks. My sister doesn’t get out until December 17!!! So I am going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. The hotmail account is still down so when I get back next week, I’ll email everyone to let them know I have changed accounts. Ah what a hassle especially when I have had that account since late 96. Well, I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and let it be a healthy one! Take care all-Kellie

November 23, 1999

Okay, things were quiet for a while here. I guess I have been stressed out from school and the thanksgiving break doesn’t feel like much of a vacation because of all the work I have to do. Then my hotmail account is messed up and that is really pissing me off because I sent dozens of emails to hotmail and I haven’t had a lick of help from them. So I’m freaking out on that aspect because people from my social work class were going to mail me some of their questions for the final exam.

I’m leaving tomorrow for home and I am packing up the computer. I am doing well this week eating wise but emotionally I’m a mild wreck. Yuck! I just need to calm down a bit. Well, I’ll post some more tomorrow because I have to take the ‘puter home because I have to much work to do. Take care all-Kellie 237/199/140 59 more to go!

November 20, 1999

Exercise: 1 hour of swimming

Nothing smells better than a pot roast. I’m being Kellie Crocker today because I’m making myself a pot roast. I used a top of the round, 12 small pearl onions, 2 carrots, 2 celery, and ½ pkg. of Lipton Onion Soup mix. I can’t wait till I dig my fork in it because it smells so good! I figure I’ll have a large lunch and a small supper. I usually do that on some weekends because I tend to be less active on the weekends. I typically like to have a low-key weekend like staying home or going out to get a movie. I know it probably sounds boring but I live for the weekends.

I went to the pool today. Those little kids are irritating as heck. They yell and scream at each other in the locker rooms and call each other demeaning things. Some ten-year-olds were complaining of fat legs. 3 other girls were complaining about their nannies and how they have to go to Hawaii for Christmas. Yikes, I think swimmer moms are the worst because they watch their workouts and get on their backs if they have not reached their potential for the workout. If my parents did that to me when I was a child, I sure wouldn’t swim. Probably the most irritating things that the swimmer moms do is that on the front of their Mercedes, Jaguars, or Volvo’s they have a plate that displays their child’s swim team, nice status symbol. Gag me..

My skin is so dry from swimming. Even when I drown myself in cocoa butter my skin is still dry. I tried the mango butter for extremely dry skin at the Body Shop but for $11, it doesn’t go very far. So if anyone has some great skin cream let me know. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

November 19, 1999

Total Points: 29

Okay, I’m grumpy today. If I have to put my finger on it, I would have to say that I am grumpy because I had a crappy group today in class. In my social work practice class today I had to work in my weekly group. I hate 3 of the 6 members in the group because they always nit pic so much. I especially hate this girl Mandy. To describe her looks she is the typical trendy J Crew girl. She thinks she is all that and more. Every time she does a role-play she has to be assured that she is doing a good or she’s a great therapist. Okay, I hate people that need this type of reassurance constantly. It drives me nuts! So her and this other girl are always saying I want to be the therapist / client (We’re doing role-plays) and so the rest of us don’t mind at all. But then today they start whinnying that “We ALWAYS have to do the role play…YOU GUYS NEVER DO”. This really pissed me off because here these two authoritarian freaks always say that they want top do it. So I said well you all love to do it anyway because you both jump at the opportunity to do it. So they both give me this dirty look like you b****! So then I began to state that I don’t feel comfortable in doing this in front of them and they said whispering to each other. I called them out; I told them if they were talking about me they better say it to my face. They just stared. So I played the little therapist role and another group member played the client. So we are doing the therapy role-play and the 2 little biddies start interrupting me. This never happens so I start getting ticked. I stop and say “I’m getting frustrated…let me finish the role play and then we’ll discuss what I’ve done wrong”. So they finally leave me alone…but damn, I let their little ignorant acts get under my skin. Damn, the joys of group work!

I found the best Power Bar! Ah, it’s so delicious. Okay so you are probably wondering Power Bar, testing great? Yup, they have this new bar called the POWER BAR HARVEST. I got the cherry flavor and it’s better than a candy bar. It has whole oats, brown rice syrup, dried cherries, rice crisps, cane juice, dried cranberries, almond butter soybeans, soy protein, honey, pear and grape juice in it. Nutritional facts: 240 calories, 4 g of fat, 0 Cholesterol, 80 mg Sodium, 45 g of Carbs (sorry Atkins folks) and 7 g protein. It also has a ton of vitamins and minerals in it too. When calculating the points for WW it’s 4, but it’s worth it because it really fills your tummy up. I love Fibar’s but this is like a supreme fibar. Ah, so people if you are looking for a treat, get a box of these. I got a box of 15 of them at Fog Dog Sports for $14.99 and shipping/handling is free. I also bought some swim paddles from them. Hopefully they will make me swim a little better by improving my strokes. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

November 18, 1999

Exercise: 25 minutes of walking on the treadmill 3.4 mph cal burned 160.

Total Points: 26

Okay, this week I’ve been good. Real good that is. I have written down everything I have eaten and I have utilized diet watch. So GUESS WHAT?!?!?! I’m 199 POUNDS!!! I’m under the 200 mark. I couldn’t help but not to jump on the scale this morning because I was feeling thinner this morning and I thought it wouldn’t hurt to jump on the scale. I was astounded and happy! Wow, I’ve been on the diet for exactly 6 months now and I’m under 200 pounds. What more could I ask for? I’m totally satisfied with my losses so far. Since beginning on this journey, I feel like a new person. When I look in the mirror, I can see the changes. My face and body is getting thinner. I’m feeling good too because I’m not doing anything crazy that I wouldn’t do when I go to maintenance. I think when you are changing your eating habits and trying to lose the weight and if you do something crazy during this time like starving yourself or over exercise…you probably won’t maintain. Weightloss is more than the dropping numbers on the scale; it’s changing your entire life mentally, physically, and emotionally. When I get upset or bored, I don’t turn to the fridge any more. So basically I am floating on cloud nine today! Though, on a lighter note I am reduced down to 24 – 29 points so I better watch it. That’s why I’m going to start posting my points from now on.

Urgh, I went to the pool center and used the treadmill today. So here I’m on the treadmill and there’s 4 people in the room. There was one woman on an air bike, a young man on the weights, and a man in his 30s using the free weights. Well, I’m on the treadmill for 10 minutes and then a brown haired woman in her early 30s walks in and uses the other treadmill. She immediately starts out walking like 4.0 mph at least. So the man with the free weights begins to check the woman in her 30s out. So after a few minutes of gawking he walks over and starts to chat with her. He goes through the “hi I am…” general introduction stuff and then he proceeds to talk all about himself. Like how often he comes, his job, etc. I almost started to laugh because this guy was so into himself it could make someone sick. Ah, it was a horrible scene… if I was her I would have said something like “I can’t walk and talk on the treadmill”. Funny, a tiny meat market in the small workout room. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

November 17, 1999

Exercise: 1 hour of swimming

At the end of my workout a woman asked if I was in training for something. She said she saw me swim a lot there and she was curious what I was up to. I told her I wasn’t training but I was trying to get into shape because I have lost almost 40 pounds in the last 6 months. She said I should check out the Master Swim Team because the coach will work with anyone that has a desire to swim. She said I wouldn’t have to be a power house swimmer to join the team. I was telling her that I just moved down here from Michigan a year ago and that besides the people in my social work program, I haven’t met anyone in the community. She said that it would be a great opportunity for me because I would get to know a lot of people and they get to go places for meets and I could compete against other swimmers that are similar to me. So that got me fired up to want to join the Master’s Team. Come January, it will be my goal to join the team. Maybe in the process I could meet some people. I was glad she chatted with me because usually when I go to the pool, I just smile at others and say “hi” but that’s it. I have never really had a conversation with anyone at the pool so it was a refreshing change. It’s strange when you move to a new city because in a way you feel disconnected. If I could have my wish, I would stay in Louisville because it’s a great place to live. I love my school friends, I love my apartment, I love my neighborhood, heck I love Louisville. It’s the first place in a long time that I can call home. So I’m going to be whiney come June when I have to leave it…I don’t want to think about that now.

Okay, I was thinking about my future and my lifestyle when it comes down to my body. I want to reshape and create a hard body. Yes, I Kellie, want to have an athletic body in four years. When I lose my weight, I want to create a body that has firm arms and legs. I don’t want to be a body builder or anything like that but I do want to be strong and in shape. I know this may sound crazy by going from one extreme to another but I want to be firm. I want to continue to swim because it’s doing me a lot of good both physically and mentally. The only thing that bothers me now is that when I don’t work out for 3 days, I should be doing something. Generally, I don’t go to the pool on Thursday or Friday because it’s too busy. The young kids there drive me nuts and the pool is packed. Besides, I tend to have more energy in the morning than the afternoon. The pool has a workout room so I want to take advantage of that. They have a treadmill, so I bet it wouldn’t hurt to add a mile on the treadmill for a workout. So maybe tommorrow when I get home from class, I should hit their gym. I’ll keep you posted on that. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

November 16, 1999

Exercise: 1 hour of swimming

Okay, what is everyone doing for Thanksgiving? I was looking at some journals out there and no one is really speaking about the upcoming holidays. Do you think we are avoiding that topic? Or am I just worrying about nothing? Thanksgiving and Christmas are dangerous holidays especially for those who are on a weightloss plan. It’s the time of temptation, gluttony, and gaining. The rituals of the holidays are us being surrounded by food and our loved ones. Okay so you are probably wondering what am I going to do, right? Well, I’m kind of lost. In the past, I typically do not over eat. I have my slice of turkey but the stuffing…ah, the stuffing. Mom’s stuffing is to die for: celery, onions sautéed in Land O’ Lakes Butter, then bread, eggs, and sage. I go a tad bit over on the stuffing but heck, I enjoy it. So what am I going to do? Well, I’ll try to have a slice of turkey, 2 stuffing balls, some cranberry sauce, a little bit of mashed potatoes, 2 rolls, and silver of pumpkin pie. Yikes…that whole meal with devour my points for the day. So that is my action plan. I also plan to walk or do some type of exercise over the vacation because come Tuesday the 23rd, I’m going home and I don’t want to not work out for 5 days. Maybe I’ll hit the pool or something down there. They have a YMCA down there and I could just pay to swim.

Okay…I went shopping on Sunday for a dress for Carrie’s wedding (my sister). Carrie set the date of January 14, 2000 for her wedding. I went to Dillards to their plus size section. Wandering around the plus size special occasion section I noticed how darn expensive the gowns are. The sales lady asked if she could be of assistance so I thought what the heck, so I told her I was looking for a dress that would be fancy enough to match my sisters dress. I explained to her that the wedding is in exactly two months so I need something fast. I could tell by the way I was chatting she thought my sister was having a shotgun wedding. Anyways, the lady picked me out some nice dresses so I went into the dressing room. All looked nice but the cranberry one looked the best on me…though I wasn’t thinking because I should have tried on the 16W because I had a lot of room in the 18W. I hope I won’t be swimming in the dress in two months…ah, it’s one of those dress dilemmas again. I won’t sweat over it too much. Okay, so I get my dress but I’m not ready to leave just yet. So I walk around the mall and I pass by Lane Bryant. I detest Lane Bryant because they are extorting us (large ladies that is). Their clothes are not worth as much as they charge for them. So I see this cute outfit and I go in…guess how much the sweater was? $45!?!?! That just made me sick. So I walk around a little more and I see this awesome suit but guess how much that was? $115 for the coat and $55 for the pants. Damn, they are making a ton because you know we are kind of shop limited when it comes to buying clothes. I just walked out of there in disgust and thought extortionists! They should be ashamed on themselves. Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

November 15, 1999

Exercise: 1 hour of swimming

I stayed the same this week. Thank goodness because I was eating out left and right. I think I ate out at least 7 times this week. I didn’t eat stuff that was bad for me but I was not eating as healthy as I should have. So what am I going to do about it? Well, I’m going to formulate an action plan. My plan is to eat less at the fast food restaurants and journal what I eat which would involve using diet watch. If you haven’t used Diet Watch’s system of analyzing what you eat, I suggest you check it out. The last time I used it was in July and I was 226 then! Wow, what an accomplishment because I’ve lost 24 pounds since then! So I promise I will curb my urge to eat out. I think I eat out a lot because I get lazy, honestly. I don’t feel like cooking for one because I don’t feel like cooking or washing the dishes. I think a big problem of mine is that I don’t have a lot of pots and pans. I have one saucepan, one baking sheet, one skillet, and my George Foreman grill so one meal can wipe out all my pans. Ah, I’m just making excuses for myself.

I had a nice time on Saturday except I got a panic attack for some reason. I’m hesitant to announce that I get panic attacks because it’s something you don’t announce to every one. I just started getting them this year. I was told that I got them because I’m under a lot of stress but I think I got them when I was on those Atkins diet pills (vitamins). It was January 7; I had just came back into Louisville from Christmas break. It was a hectic day because the weather was bad and I was tired. I went to bed thinking about death…like I started to think about dying, my parents dying, etc. Then about an hour later I wake up and my pulse is racing at 130 bpm. I feel like I’m having a heart attack, my stomach got queasy, and I felt like I was going to pass out. So I sit on the toilet for a few minutes and I stumble towards the phone and I call Shawn to find out if I should call the EMS. He told me I should call so I call and they come. By then my heart is beating at 110 bpm so the EMS told me I should go to the hospital and get checked out. So I go there with the vitamins and they said it after my blood work, I had a severe reaction to something in the vitamins. But after that incident, I get freaky about changes in my body. I start to panic when I feel queasy or when something makes me feel suddenly ill. For example, I start to get a panic attack when I ovulate sometimes. I swear I’m the only woman that can feel herself ovulate. I get this pain in my lower abdomen when I ovulate which produces a major cramping feeling. I guess I’m odd but I guess I never got over that incident that happened to me in January. I haven’t really talked about it either; it scared me really bad though. So maybe that’s why I whig out when I notice my body is fatigued, cramping, queasy, etc. So basically I had one of my panic attacks when I was hanging out with Teresa this weekend. We had a long day, I was a tad bit tired, and then I ovulated so of course I freak out. Oh well, what can I say! It’s something I have to deal with. It doesn’t happen too often but when it does, I get freaked out. Take care all-Kellie 237/202/140 62 MORE POUNDS TO GO!!!

November 13, 1999

I’ve been eating out too much this week. It’s probably because I don’t have anything of substance in my fridge. I should go to the grocery store today and buy some stuff. I have food but there’s not much I can do with it…I need some chicken and pork. I eat pork about 2x weekly. I usually get those small boneless pork chops, they are lean (or at least they look lean).

I bought a new CD yesterday. I usually don’t buy a CDs. I swear I have the worst CD collection because it’s full of one hit one CD’s (or two hit wonders). Here’s a peek at what I own, Criss Cross, Karyn White, Edwin Collins, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Counting Crow (their first CD…I hate the counting crows, must have been a impulse shop) The Cranberries, The Spaghetti Incident by GNR, Def Leppard, and the Spin Doctors to name a few. Most of my CDs are down in my storage unit because they don’t need to see the light of day. Anways, I’ve been hearing this song “Do Something” by Macy Gray. She’s got this usual raspy beautiful voice. Then I was siting in a restaurant yesterday and I saw that she had a video for a song named “I try” and it was really good. So last night I decided to go to Ear-X-Tacy (isn’t that a cool name for a record store???) and pick it up. I love going into the store but it’s like I’m not cool enough to shop there. It’s like they have a sign at the door: Only people with tattoos, body piercing, and alternative clothes need only come in. I was the only geeky girl in there. It reminded me of that quote at the James Dean Museum in Indiana. Whenever I go up to Michigan I see that sign that advertises the museum and it says “Coolness is the state of mind” and “Where cool was born”. We’ll I’ll never be cool like that. Honestly, I wish I could dress in some vintage clothing because I collect vintage wear but I won’t fit into the stuff until I’m 160. But I’ll never look as cool as they do…I guess some people can pull it off really good. I would just look like a blond try to be alternative. Anyways, I was looking all over for the Macy Gray CD and I couldn’t find it but I was afraid to ask anyone. I finally found it in the R&B section. So I’m driving home and I can almost kick myself. You know, I live in the coolest section of Louisville and I’m not taking advantage of it? I live in the Cherokee Triangle / Highlands area where those little artsy crafty, coffee, restaurant, bookstores, and antique shops are. People hang out there on the strip which is Bardstown Road. Shame on me. Sometimes I get mad at myself because when I stay here on weekends, I just watch tv or stay home. I haven’t met anyone outside of my social work program! That’s pathetic. On a better note, I’m going to Bardstown, KY to got to Teresa’s house. We’re going to hang out there. I’ve never been to Bardstown before because it’s 45 minutes out of Louisville. I hear it’s a neat little town so that will be interesting to go out there. I’ll let you all know how it went. So that’s my weekend activity…take care all-Kellie

November 11, 1999

Hello my name is Kellie and I have a severe addiction to procrastination. I’ve had this problem all my school life. I always wait until the last minute to do things. When I do get my work done after the process of procrastination, I get a high off of them. I love being a procrastinator! Does that make me lazy? No, I don’t think so but I need that last minute pressure to do things. I’m not the type of person that can do things ahead of time. I need the pressure to do things. I wish I could stop being a procrastinator but the grades I receive reinforce my theory of waiting until the last minute to do things because I’m pulling decent grades. Though, I do lose some precious sleep over this procrastination because I’ll go to bed at 11:00 p.m. and I’ll wake up at 5:00 am to get things done. Maybe I should change…yeah, like that will happen!

What do you say when a friend is dumped? Yuck! I hate being in that position. My friend had her girlfriend break up with her last week. But the weird thing is that she has never been dumped before. How can someone be 28 years old and never dumped? She’s had a lot of relationships in the past, in fact she said she’s dated a ton of men but this her first relationship with a woman and she’s really taking it rough. She’s skipping work and school, and she hasn’t been out of bed all week. She said she’s majorily depressed and she keeps thinking about her girlfriend. Though, for her to have her first break up this is a rough one because her girlfriend did her wrong. She did the ultimate bad thing that an ex could do…run back to the last partner. The ex said she was going home to Cincinnati but in fact she ran to her ex-partners place in Atlanta. Which made my friend really upset because this friend wasn’t supposed to be an ex but a good friend. So here my friend is left to deal her emotions with no closure. We as human beings need closure from relationships with ex’s wither it be best friends, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever. When we take on a close intimate relationship with another human being, we are disclosing ourselves intimately to that person. We are allowing them to come in and see a part of us that no one else is allowed to see. When we break a relationship off with no closure, it’s like having an open wound that’s not able to heal properly. We need closure…need I say more? Well that’s it for me today…take care all-Kellie

November 9, 1999

Exercise: 1 hour swimming

My parents are thinking about being foster parents for the state of Kentucky. They are going for a meeting tonight. Being a future social worker and being their daughter, I am torn between saying it would be a good idea. You see, the social worker part, I am disillusioned by the system. I hate the foster care system as it stands today. There are few homes that provide a good home for children. But as a daughter, I see them providing a loving home to children who need it. Children are slipping through the cracks every day but a lot of these children have issues and problems…they are on mind numbing drugs like Ritalin, Prozac, and countless others. I don’t know what to think but if they choose to become foster parents, I know they will do a fine job parenting and providing a safe shelter for children who need it. But I don’t want to see them in a stressful position, battling the system, and the status quo. We’ll see how it goes…I wish them luck, no matter what their decision is.

I had an interesting conversation at my internship today, we were sitting around the dinner table discussing dating today and rules that women should live by. Like have the man get the door for you or have him pay for dinner. The houseparent at the maternity home stated that a good way to shake off a stinking guy is to always have him pick you up (this advice was geared towards the 18 and under girls). When I was in high school, I dated a ton. I always hated how my dates had to pick me up and me the parents but looking back, they were wise. My parents always had a sort of insight into guys: they knew which one’s were good for me and which one’s were not so good. Meeting the folks is almost like a saying “you’re not going to have sex with my daughter”. I never did have sex in high school and I am so thankful for that. Boys were always horny back then and the lines were thick. My favorite story about a guy trying to get me in the sack was when I was in the 11th grade. We were parked in his Daytona behind my high school and we were making out (you know nothing too serious) and he turns to me and says “Do you wanna go?”, I was like “Go where?”, then he said “You know…”, then I said “No, I don’t really want to go anywhere else…this is nice” and finally he said “I wanna have sex with you, I wanna go there” and I stopped and said “Well, I don’t want to go there…take me home”. When I was in high school, the mere mention of sex while making out turned me off. I have no idea why but it did. When I did eventually lose the big V, there was no words spoken really about it. Me and the guy just did it…and I must say, it was not the earth shattering event I had expected. But hell, it got better as time went on (but no one really chatted about that when we were young, maybe if we were told that we wouldn’t have expected so much). Maybe we were all just fumbling towards ecstasy…sorry Sarah McLachlan, I had to steal your line… Take care all, Kellie

November 8, 1999

Exercise: 1 hour of swimming

Wow, my swim times are steadily decreasing. Which is great because I’m becoming a better swimmer. I’ve been practicing on my breathing a lot. It seemed like before I would have to breathe every stroke. Now I can breath every two strokes. Not bad for a 202 pound swimmer, ah? When I was in high school my fastest time was a 17 for 25 yards. So when I get down to 140, will my times get any better? Hopefully!

Oh, I would like to thank all the people who gave me the advice about the dress situation...it helped me out a lot. The funny thing is that Sarah (the bride) was going to have some bridesmaids dresses from Chadwicks of Boston. Then I get the thing in the mail about the dress being $150 dollars, which $100 is due December 1st. Damn, the dresses are so freakin’ ugly!! She’s going to have six brides’ maids. Shawn, is the best man, her sister Amy is the matron of honor. It’s going to be a fun wedding because I hear the Towns’ (Sarah’s parents) through a good shindig. When I eventually get married (if I have hunt down the one!) it’s going to be a small shindig, nice close and intimate. My sister’s, Carrie, wedding was going to be small but now that Dennis’s parents are paying and planing for it, it’s going to be huge. Carrie is going to get married in January some time either on the 8th or 14th or sometime during Spring Break…let’s just say they will get married sometime in the next 5 months.

I got a dress from EBAY today. It’s a black “A” line dress from Land’s End. I spent $18.00 on it and it was worth every cent. I look great in it! I can’t wait till I wear it out. I can see my curves now and not my rolls! Oh what a feeling! Well that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

November 7, 1999

It just hit me today…the New Year is just around the corner! Plus I can’t believe I have been on a diet for almost six months now. It doesn’t feel like that. I’m impressed that I have lost so much. I thought when I first started that my metabolism was shot. Guess what? It’s not shot. I gave away two pairs of my old pants to my aunt today and boy did that feel good. It was great to get them out of my presence. I can’t believe the difference in my clothes. I went down to my basement yesterday and I got to pick out some of my old clothes. You know by next June, I will be around 160 (if I lose 5 pounds a month steadily). Though, I have a dilemma. My good friend Sarah asked me to be in her wedding and it’s June 24, 2000. I found out that I have to get my measurements in NOW. So what am I supposed to do? Should I estimate that I will be 35 pounds smaller than I am now? I’m in a state of confusion…I have no idea what to do. If you have any hints, please feel free to email me please!

It was nice to finally go home this weekend. I finally got a picture taken!!!!Yeah, I even added a side profile. My mom said my side profile looks great…I wish I had taken a side profile a long time ago but I was too hesitant too. I guess I really didn’t want to see it because I didn’t really want to see how large I was. It’s interesting to look at all my pictures spread out to see the differences. A picture does say a thousand words! Well take care all-Kellie 237/202/140 62 MORE POUNDS TO GO!!!

November 4, 1999

I’m debating if I should go swimming tonight or tomorrow morning…I think I’ll go in the morning. It’s not that I don’t want to swim but I’m kind of tired today. I woke up at 5:30 am to finish a paper, so basically I’m dragging today.

It’s been a strange week…lately I’ve been having crazy dreams about a friend from high school. Weird. I haven’t seen her since my second semester of freshman year of college. She just keeps on popping up in my dreams…and I wish she would get out of them. I moved to Marine City when I was in the sixth grade. It was a huge adjustment because I was from the metro Detroit area and Marine City was a small little hick town. Tracey and I became good friends fast. I followed her everywhere, it was like I was in awe of her. I wanted and needed her friendship. As time progressed she put me down and I took it. I allowed her to destroy my teenage self-esteem. For example, on her 10th grade picture she wrote “Kellie, you’re a great best friend but you will be never as good looking as me”. Okay she was that type of person. When I would get a boyfriend she would have to have a boyfriend or she would have to break my relationship up. I allowed her to push me around and I took her crap. I was trapped though…I was trapped in my evil high school role. I was Kellie, my friends where defined, and I should dare not step outside of my role, and I didn’t. So my escape was college, I was getting out of Marine City. I planned to go to Central Michigan University for months…as my senior year progressed, Tracey never talked about college. Then one month before graduation she told me that she got accepted to CMU two months prior and she was joining me. My little dream world of escaping her and that town crumbled…Anyways, she ended up at CMU. We would go out and I would attract some guys, she would be insanely jealous. But something was different, I was different, I would no longer put up with her putdowns or controlling. By the end of semester she was failing all of her classes…she ended up dropping out at the end of the first semester. When she left school, I stopped talking to her. SO WHY IN THE HECK IS SHE POPPING IN MY DREAMS??? I was chatting with my social work friends and colleges and they said it was because I’m working on my body issues or I need some type of closure with her, I never had closure with her. Yes, I have/had body issue problems. It’s not that I hate my body but for the longest time I wasn’t comfortable in it. I felt awkward. Looking back I when I was gaining weight, I shut down emotionally, physically, and sexually. I gained 40 pounds in four months in my junior year. I made it worse on myself because I started to self-medicate myself with food. Food was my only sense of pleasure for a while…I take that back for a long time, to be more specific until May 17, 1999. I look at food now, as a sense to fill my hunger needs not my emotional needs. I have changed…I’m no longer meeting my emotional needs with food and it feels good to eat normal. Okay so I went off the bunny trail here a bit but heck, it’s my journal…I’m allowed to :)

Well, I’m off this weekend to visit my folks so things will be silent here until Sunday. Take care all and enjoy yourself this weekend!-Kellie

November 3, 1999

Exercise: 1 hour swimming, check out my swim stats on my swim page

Halloween candy is evil…period! That candy just keeps on popping up everywhere because I was muching on it way too much yesterday. I was setting in my supervisor’s office at my internship and there laid on her desk a bowl full of bite size butterfingers! Oh I love butterfingers so much so I lost control of my cravings and ate 3…shame on me but they tasted so good. I’m usually not a candy eater but darn; they were so so so good. I’m going to avoid them today.

I’m going to have a pure day today. A pure day is when I try to avoid stuff like cheese and other junk food. One thing that I found a couple of weeks that has help me a lot is Pollock fish. I can have one big fillet and it’s only 1 point per fillet. I usually put some lemon pepper on it to flavor it. For awhile, I honestly forgot to write down what I ate for WW. I’m going to start journalizing what I eat and I’m going to start to use diet watch again. Wish me luck, take care all-Kellie

November 1, 1999

Wow, it’s November today and it was 75 in Louisville, is that not amazing? But guess what, things are going to change…the high tomorrow is supposed to be a whopping 50 degrees at mid-day and 35 at 6:00 p.m. and the wind chill is going to be around 15 – 30 degrees. I guess its time to jack out my winter coat. I bought this coat from Land’s End last year and it was a bit snug (I like baggy coats) so now it’s going to fit perfectly.

I saw a horrible car accident today on the way home. I guess it closed down west I-64 for six hours. It was 2:45 and 2 cars and 1 tractor-trailer truck was on fire. By looking at it, I knew people were dead. The heat from the fire warmed my windows. It must have just happened because there was only 1 police car and the fire trucks were coming. Oh, how horrible. When I got home tonight, I found out 2 people had died in the crash. I guess a correctional officer had gotten off work and he stopped to help out a broken down car. So he pushed the car with his car on the freeway and a truck slammed into the car causing the correctional officers car to explode on impact. Horrible….I hate accidents.

I was tied down with my internship and meetings today so I didn’t make it to the pool. I’ll go tomorrow in the morning. I like swimming in the deep end pool instead of the Olympic pool because it’s deeper and I tend not to want to stop when doing the laps. I’m okay with my times, though I find myself pushing me to get better and better each time. I hate that in a way. Anyways, that’s it for me today, take care all-Kellie

My Vistors Since November 1, 1999