AUGUST,1999
August 7,1999 - August, 1997, a new day was dawning in my life. I looked forward to a life in Utopia. There would be daily walks around the walking park, trips to be taken here and there. Long yearned for things to pitch in and accomplish - finally! I was looking with great anticipation at all the things I would be able to accomplish by myself and for myself. Such were the dreams of my successful active future.
In 1988 when my working days were brought to a conclusion by the stroke and inability to negotiate stairs and chairs, I constantly and kiddingly told people, "Oh, I just swapped the classroom for being a grandmother." The stroke was in April. My first grandson was born the first of December. I was in the Pain Clinic at the same hospital where and when he was born. Our whole pain group included the nursery department in our daily morning walking of the corridors of the hospital (building up our stamina) the day after he was born and I got to show him off to one and all.
Little did most people know how much it bothered me to no longer be able to exist in the only world I had ever known. The school and its routine had been a part of me for so very long. There were the twelve years in the customary educational environment and routine. Four years in college academic level and 22 years the instruction of others. I had stayed at home for seven years with my children when they were little, but when the youngest one started to school, I returned as well. During the years at home with them I was much too busy to think of life at school. Four children with a multitude of allergies; one child and a husband with severe and chronic asthma, and all the frequent activities of a tirelessly involved family kept me very much engrossed.
Unexpectedly, all is reversed. The ability to do quite what was once accustomed and predictable was no longer. All of life itself was altered, and now I have to come to terms with the fact that much of it will always be altered. Some things are never to be again. I can hope and dream, but throughout these past few years I am having to accept that I am a newly reprogrammed individual. There are those things that I will never again do as formerly done.
Strangely, as I began my recorded trek, the very first month consisted of short notations. Now the pages are much longer. They seem somewhat long-winded compared to such an humble beginning. It is interesting to look back now and see a person developing; a stranger to myself at times. I am learning as I record events and places and thoughts. At times there is the thought, "How does that event fit in with pain?" Coping and learning is more than one aspect of a person. It must embodiment of the whole person. Through giving up a profession, I gave up a way of life. Friends were no longer friends because the catalyst had been altered. Abilities were no longer the same abilities; compensations had to be made. Time was no longer the same time; now it is counterbalanced with some handicap needs. Hobbies and interests are forced into another dimension; no more Dalmatians to tend; crochet and knitting is an imposition; the piano is a formidable task; travel is a confrontation waiting.
August 8,1999 - In 1997 I used a paraphrased quote:
The power of positive thinking against the reality of what is actual."
I would have to change that today to:
The power of positive thinking against the reality of what may be perceived as absolute."
Life still rotates in a vicious circle for me much of the time. One aspect of daily life will improve only to play havoc on another aspect. The overall pain level is down from where it registered for so long and blood pressure medication is down to only one extended pill a day. I calmed one and helped the knees only to flair up the older problem of the back. I help one problem only to agitate the other. That has not changed.
The fall of Friday morning has left me sore and stiff. My right knee has some reddish purple mixed in with the ugly brown color left from the April mishap. Using the knee to get myself up has done something to it. There is swelling, but only between maybe the size of a lemon and orange. The left knee that carried most of the tremendous weight as I pulled myself up is swollen more. The back hurts all the way up from the jolt when I sat. Don't ask how I got a blood blister on my finger! Who knows how i did that one. My hands, especially where I've had the carpal tunnel work done, are extremely sore and stiff. The head ache has probably bothered and concerned me most. It still hurts. Not in one special area, but all over. I move my neck gently trying to find the best way to place it so that pressure is lightened. The pain seems to radiate more from the neck area and lower back of my head - again - probably from the jolt. I would love to be able to look forward to the day I don't fall again. I know now that it is more likely not to come. I still will not allow myself to become completely engrossed with the down side of this life style. I know that there are happy intervals and happy circumstances to be obtained.
I spent time yesterday reading and rereading some of Treeheart's Journal. I marvel at how many times we have some of the same thoughts flowing. Through out our lives some things have happened to both of us at some time or another. I received a card box filled with letters my Dad had written way back when he was young. Time before he married my Mother. A time of weekends, parties and having fun. Some of the letters he had written. Most of them his cousin in Morganton had writtten. Some of her girlfiends were looking forward to having him to drive up with his brother and friends for a special occassion. Also in the box was some timecards from some place he had worked. Pay was much, much lower way back then compared to the pay scale of today. My Uncle had found the box in with some papers of my Aunt that died and he mailed it to me.
August 9,1999 - Okay, so let's get in the habit of writing about the day before, the day after. Seems lately I am getting good at that. When I prop up on the bed with all four pillows behind me - one folded and placed to support my neck - I never know for sure what is going to come out of the tips of my fingers as I rest my wrists and palms on the edge of the laptop. Oreo is usually on one side of my legs and Charlie is always on the side next to the stool they use to jump and make it up on my old-timey-higher-than-most beds. This is the only truly comfortable place in the whole house for me. I look around at all the space and stuff wondering, "How much of this do I really need?" I could easily live in two or three rooms considering how much I can and do use.
One Great Room would suffice. I could even do without a kitchen as long as there is a microwave, freezer, toaster oven and small refrigerator. There is still an unadorned Christmas tree in the Sunken Room! LOL!! It has become a running joke with family and friends. None of the kids (Mine, no doubt!) will dare lift a finger to bring up the box from downstairs and move it from it unmajestic place before the patio door. I considered offering it to the first one to take it down and claim it as their own. My daughter-in-law commented, "Well, it's only five months until next Christmas now. You might as well keep it up." My comment to friends that come in? "If I had known that it would stay up, I would have made plans to decorate for the different seasons and holidays along the way." Strangers that come in? I ignore it and act as if all is normal. They never ask questions. That makes one wonder.
After the fourth phone call from the nursing center yesterday, I dragged myself into some clothes and took Mother two tomatoes and some of my attention. I admitted to her that I had fallen on Friday and was a bit stiff and sore. We had a rain shower while I was there. This mid nineties weather is getting to everyone, I think. The weather forecasters say that what we need now would be the equivalent of a monsoon or hurricane to bring up the water levels and lessen the fire hazards. I have decided that I cannot get out and try to water the few plants in the yard that are looking so puny. Hopefully, they will survive.
I was supposed to go to Quilt Therapy in Morganton this morning. I had intended to quilting on the donation quilt which is nearly finished now. I had forgotten that I would have Giggles today. I don't want to have to rely on Ms. Jay to help with carrying her around and since I fell, I feel better looking after her here at home. This was our longest time together - just the two of us. She truly is the apple of my eye.
August 10,1999 - Promises to keep today and so I do keep them. Mrs. Jay called early and talked with me as she took her early morning walk outdoors. Her phone works quite well outside. She had to go toward Gastonia today and care for two grandsons while her daughter went to the doctor and would be gone most of the day. After she touched base, Alli called and asked if I was on for lunch with her today.
There were some places she wanted to check out and maybe make some arrangements for one of her groups to visit together. We drove over to Rutherford College to the Riverside Restaurant for lunch. It is in an old house that is on the Historical List and has tried to keep as much of its old charm throughout the rooms turned into dining areas. I have eaten there many times and was happy to get the chance to go again. We noticed that this month they have started opening several days a week for breakfast. The menus had some excellent offerings for breakfast. It would be something for us to do together for a brunch soon.
After our lunch, I drove to Valdese which is a town that was settled by a group of Waldensians. It still has so much of its old-town quaintness and qualities. The Main Street area has been greatly renovated from years gone by and revitalized by the community. Many residents are families of Waldensians and show a great pride in their heritage. Alli was really surprised when I was telling her of the community since some of her heritage is from the same region of France where they were forced to leave many years ago. The town is centered around its Waldensian Church which still has its original sanctuary. There is a nice park next to the church. Across the street is the Museum which has a wonderful collection depicting their years of proud heritage. It is a place I have been several times, but would even yet find it exciting to tour its rooms of displays yet again.
From there, I drove out to the outdoor arena where "From This Day Forth, an outdoor drama about their travel to America and settling in tiny Valdese is performed each summer. One of the residents of the town wrote the play and it has been successfully given for many summers now. I have not seen it in about ten years or so, and was pleasantly surprised to see the replica of an ancient village developing around the grounds. When I last went there were some displays and the men and boys playing games of Boca, but now there is so much more.
A trip to Valdese is never complete with out stopping for some of their delicious ice cream. What once was a walkup outdoor window to order your cones of ice cream today is an indoor sit-down place that offers sandwiches and meals as well as the ice cream. It was a perfect finish for our earlier lunch at Riverside. We sat and talked and remembered our own earlier years as we indulged our cool treats.
Once back home, I rested before leaving again to spend some time at the nursing center. Mother had called twice while I was gone, so I stopped by the mailbox and took out her TV Guide for next week to take along. She had not been back in her room for very long when I arrived. This was Bingo Day, and both she and her roomy had been down to the dining room to play. That is the only thing she leaves her room for except to take a shower or whirlpool bath. I'm thankful that there are two games a week. She can look forward to them and it gives her a cause to get up and going.
I have to be back home in time for Lady to come and clean. First thing, I have her to spend some time in Mother's room here and dust, vacuum and straighten up in case I can get someone to bring her over for a visit. She is adamant about coming home and all the things she can do once she gets here. I'll have to have one of the boys to come help with her over the weekend probably. While Lady worked and cleaned, I did some catch-up work with the computer. A few of my programs have been floating along lately and needed my attention to get caught up.
August 11,1999 - This 3 a.m. wake-up is turning into a habit for me. Usually, I am up and down, but now it is as if I cannot rest or get comfortable. It is a different degree of being awake. At least I know it was not the paper carrier waking me up this time. There was little sleep for the rest of the night. I am up and dressed before Tom shows up with Giggles. Allan comes by from EMS on his way to mow lawns today. I break down and let out my little secret. I had not told him yet about my Friday morning adventure.
Little Giggles spends most of her day sleeping. She wakes up to eat or drink and bounce in the jumper and then ready to sleep again. She loved the carrots I fed her today, but wouldn't have much to do with the apple juice. I sent the rest of the jar of carrots home with her since she enjoyed them so much. While she sleeps, it work on the Family Tree. I have several different files that I am in the process of merging together. This turns out to be a little more tedious than anticipated and it will take me longer than just today to accomplish the end product.
BingoKid calls me to see where Allan may be found. He took a tumble on the pavement on his way to lunch at school and got skinned up enough that Mom was called to come check him out. She took him back to work with her for the afternoon. Sounds like he got both legs, arms, left shoulder, head and his nose. That sounds to me like someone might have been running?
Tbird calls to invite me to the open house for Giggles new Daycare/Preschool this evening. I beg out and say I'll look-see another day. For today, I am tired and ready to rest. One would think it's been a hard day. Besides, bright and early in the morning I am to travel over to Rutherford College again. This time is a dental appointment to get my tooth prep for a crown (you know, it really is at a royal price.) Riverside Inn was a lot more enjoyable.
August 12,1999 - There's a catch to it somewhere and I'm not falling for it. The lady on the other end of the phone line is very nice, but too persistent about my purchasing a "package deal". I only need to purchase it and I have thirty days to decide if I wish to keep and up to a year to choose to exchange for other programs for one low price of $29.95. Then there is the smaller package of two programs for only $19.95 with the same provisions allowed. One can't help but wonder. You don't just call and give away things without expecting to reap a profit in exchange. With scams and miss use of numbers floating around all the time, who is to tell if perchance the real purpose could be to get my card number, or schemes to other larger money losing offers? As I told her, "I'm just not in the mood for buying anything today and I can't think of a thing I may need." That comment caused her to ask if I had a particular zoo program. "No, I don't but I don't see that I need it."
I was trying to be nice to her, but my patience's began to get ragged around the edges. The one thing that I have found that works better than anything else is brought out from the closet. I haven't had to use it in a while. "Well, Ma'am, my daughter and her husband and my son are all good with computers and I rely on them when I run into a problem or need advice. In fact, my daughter's husband works with computers in the AT&T and pretty well takes care of things for me."
... Well, what if ... I interrupt with "I appreciate your offer, but I am not interested today." With that I hang up the phone. (Any more it is extremely hard to be nice to people when they call on the phone and will not take "No!" for an answer.)
Today has been one of those "Best of times and worst of times" day.
The best of times would include that I got into the dentist chair for my crown preparation and the nerves in my face and jaw decided to cooperate with the dentist. He only had to use two shots for numbing this time and all went well. In fact, when he filled a place on the opposite side, no numbing was needed at all. I stopped by the grocery store on the way back toward home and bought me a few things along with some sunflower seeds and candy for Mother. I surprised her by stopping in to see her before lunchtime and spending a little time with her.
The worst: The old pain level is way up today and moving is slow. It seems that any muscle I move has to break through a layer of ice before it will move with a sharp pain throughout the area. No it is not cold feeling, but confining. It isn't even hot feeling. Just pain. Looking at the sky and the fluffy clouds across, one would think this may be prain, but I'm not so sure that any rain is in the forecast.
Mother called shortly after I got home with the news that her roomy is moving to a nursing home in Morganton. She has lived there all her life and her family and friends will be able to visit with her more often. Her church is not too far from the home and she hopes to be able to attend church on Sundays.
This news has Mother in a new frenzy! More than ever she is ready to move back home now. She is in the best shape she has ever been in and can do everything that needs to be done for herself as well as for me. Several calls, and she is not to be told that it is impossible for her to be here. When she was here she could not be left alone because of the things she tried to do. Her taking care of things have bought me a new stove top, refrigerator, oven, microwave and almost a toaster oven.
It would be nice for her to be home if things were all in accord to care for her. I personally can not offer her any manual help. She does have the drop foot, bones that will break for no reason because they are so thin and brittle. Her back is already in very bad shape. Her eye sight is gone in one eye and the sight in the other eye is not good at all. She looks so frail any more as you walk in to see her sitting in her chair at that odd angle she has to sit because of her back, or laying in bed as if she may roll out at any moment because she is laying in the fashion that she has to sit. Her back dictates how she moves. Then, too, there is the shaking and problems of the Parkinson's Disease that is always present. She does not realize the pressure and frustration I am under when I am assaulted by the barrage of, "I'm ready to come home"'s.
The temperature is back in the mid nineties and the ozone level in the red danger zone. I use that as my reason for my getting out any more today. The heat index is back in the low hundreds. My plants outdoors are more and more wilted. A little rain would be nice. A lot of rain would be wonderful for many folks around here. My pain really does feel like prain.
August 13,1999 - Friday, the thirteenth! Most people think of bad things happening and having to be careful about how they do things. For me, myself and I is a little different. It is a day that always reminds me of my father. His birthday happened to be September, 13th. We was a bright spot in my childhood. Even the years I was not living at home with him, my Mother and my brother, he would walk over to my Grandfather's house and be there to sit at the table with me at breakfast time. He would always drink a cup of coffee as I ate and we would talk together. Rain, shine, heat or cold we would always make the walk from the apartment the near mile distance just to spend time with me. It bothered him that I was not able to live at home, but his health and my speech problems did not make for a suitable situation that I could live at home and have the help I needed. By living with my Aunt and Grandfather, my Aunt was able to provide that help.
My Grandfather lost a leg because of poor circulation and I was able to help him around some. Together, we worked and practiced until he was able to walk using his artificial leg and a cane. The artificial leg contraptions back then were heavy and cumbersome. His had a heavy belt-type attachment that fitted around his waist to hold it on the stump just above the knee. One of the happiest days of his life was when he could walk enough to get into his workshop and once again make things from wood. He had several stools around the shop that he could walk over to and prop on as he ran a piece of machinery, or worked at the worktable. He also spent time filing hand saws to sharpen them for others in the community.
August 14,1999 - Giggles was a jewel again yesterday. I felt a little disappointed when her parents informed me that on Monday she will begin daycare. Things were looking up for me when Tbird said I may still have her for a few hours on Tuesday or Thursday to give Dad a little free time to run around and take care of some errands; at least for as long as I am able to keep up with her.
Giggles left with Mom and the boys stayed with me. They wanted to spend the night. Strangely enough, once again my bed got way too full for the night. I moseyed on into Mother's room and enjoyed having a bed to myself. Of course, this must have been about 3 a.m. when the decision to move was made. I wasn't exactly by myself either. Oreo kept me company. He has become quite attached to me.
Allan noticed a hummingbird at the old feeder the other day and took it down for me to clean and replenish with fresh food. All last summer it was not bothered with, so I soaked it overnight in Clorox to make sure it was unpolluted and then let it air for another day. Yesterday I was able to hang it out for the birds. Allan attached one of my chains I used for hanging flowers to the hook making it easy for me to handle taking care of the feeder by myself. This morning I saw a hummingbird at the feeder. I'm sure with the hot and dry weather they are having to rummage more for nectar since flowers are not fairing so well.
This is a prainy day for me, but at least the forecast is for thunderstorms today. Mother is coughing when she talks on the phone today. I suspect that losing her roomy has bothered her more than she lets on. The cough sounds like she may need to have oxygen once again. No, of course she has an abundance of diverse explanations for the cough! At times I wish I had recorded all the different excuses she has come up with for any (or every) circumstance that may (or may not) occur to her. A multitudinous amount of them have been exceptionally bizarre.
There is much that could be done today, but little energy and effort abound within me to be able to accomplish very much.
Strangely enough, lately I am hearing from different sources reports of Fibro and loss of balance. Does a large amount of people with Fibromyalgia happen to fall more than usual? Some of my Internet friends have commented about being clumsy and having to be more careful. Another friend through e-mail has mentioned it. There was an article that I read that recorded loss of balance and possibility of falling. This week my friend mentioned that when she went to her doctor, he asked her if she had noticed a difference in how she gets around and if her balance seemed to be worse at times. That makes me wonder if perhaps some of my falling would be Fibro related as well? Something to keep in mind and watch more carefully.
Continued on page 3
© 1999 by Stormy Jeanne
