August 17,1999 - For the past little while Mrs. Jay has been calling me in the mornings while she is outdoors taking in the cool of the day - if it could really be referred to as cool. (Strangely, here I am writing about cool and on the radio is Elvis Pressley singing "Don't Be Cruel" and the words could easily substitute cool for cruel and still make sense.) This morning she was sitting out on the front porch watching the hummingbirds, squirrels and other birds. I've had hummingbirds regularly now that I can reach the feeder to keep it filled. We talked about how the neighbor's bees were swarming around the water she keeps out for the birds. This is the worst dry spell we have had in many, many years and the bees probably cannot find enough nectar for making honey this summer. Wonder what the yield will be for this summer and the quality of the honey will turn out to be ...
This is the last day for a cloth shop to be open in Hickory. Everything is 70% off in the store. We decide to ride down and see what is still available. I also need to pick up some more ink for my printer. Wes made some business cards to take with him to an out of town meeting and I didn't realize that I had not backed up my stock with an extra black to switch when it was needed. Luckily, we had saved one from earlier that he was going to see if he could refill it (that is still to be tried), but it still had enough in it that he was able to get his cars made.
We found a good selection of cottons to choose our charm squares for the next three months at the Guild and a few other prints. I got two panels for 70 cents each that I can use for appliqué. From there it was on to Office Depot where they had the black, but not the color ink. I have yet to get both inks at the same time at that store. They are always out of one or the other. I treated myself to some games for the computer. Monopoly was $20 by itself, but I purchased a box with it and three other games for $30. They should be fun for the family to use. Now when the Monopoly screensaver is running it will remind me that we have to game to play on line if anyone wants to play.
After a stop at the store to buy some cheese and cokes for Mother; Quadra Tech to pick up a car seat and iron; at Subway in Granite Falls for sandwiches; Mrs. Jay's house to eat and pick up a violet; we visited with Mother for awhile. (Quadra Tech who builds luxury homes from large buses is having to move to another location and Mrs. Jay and her husband are bringing home their personal tools and equipment.)
By the time all this was done, I was exhausted and hurting. I went to bed for a while before Lady comes to clean. She strips and waxes the hallway this time. That has not been done properly in a very long time. While she works on the floor, I keep Charlie and Oreo in the computer room out of her way. I catch up on some more things at the computer. It's been a very long day for me.
August 18,1999 - Talk about a bed being turned up-side-down and in-side-out, mine seemed to take on weird contortions during the night. Charlie chose to sleep in his little bed at the window seat in the other room. Every time I needed to move I was reaching for the metal headboard to use as a pivot point. This morning on a scale of 1 to 10, the pain is probably a 12. No, it is not a severe, piercing sort of agony pain, but a dull, deep, burning stiffness that throbs like a heartbeat and chooses to linger longer making for another sort of agony. It is not the prainy-type. This is coming from my lower back and is more constricting for me as I have to work through the pain to get my balance to walk and move about on stilts of a sort.
Well, enough of that! There are better things to think on now As in the bible verse, " What's so ever good ... think on these things." It works when you concentrate on other things.
This has become Birthday Month for our family. A son-in-law and a daughter-in-law and Allan all have birthdays this month along with my aunt. Then the first of September is NascarKid's special day. NascarKid is proving to be quite a challenge for his school this year. For the past two years he has been having reading class with the fifth graders. This year he is in the Fourth Grade and on the reading test they gave him, he scored 11th grade. There is nothing more in his school for him that would challenge him in that area. I suggested special assignments in the computer room among a few other things. It will be interesting to see how the system handles him. I hate to see him not challenged.
Cotton was never challenged as she went through school and feels today that she missed a lot because she was never taught to use the full capacity of her skills and that is a hindrance to her today. Cotton went through college in three years (one summer school session) and graduated magna cum laude with degrees in computer science, physics and math. She got her master's degree in math while she taught calculus and algebra. They offered her the opportunity to work on her doctoral degree, but her work counselor felt that it would be a hindrance to the work force if she were over qualified. So today she works for AT&T, trains and does agility with her five dogs, teaches some obedience and agility classes and is an AKC Agility Judge. She chose to train the Basenjis and Chinese Crested because of the challenge they present to her.
August 19,1999 - Giggles was dropped off early this morning by Dad. He was on his way to have surgery on his foot. I got to keep her all day until Mom came over after work. The two of us had a good day together. Of course, once again she slept a lot. She is trying to sit and pull up. She thinks that in order to sit she has to muscle herself straight up from the laying position - it's surprising how far she can muscle herself up.
As it turned out, Dad's foot surgery took over two hours. When they got into the area they found not one cyst, but two. He's going to have a sore foot for awhile. I sent over my walker for him to use. He declined the need for it, but from past experience of my own, the next two days will be rough going. Once the numbing goes out - WOW!
Allan and his family got back from the beach. They had a great time with just the three of them. There was supposed to be another pretrial hearing for Buddy Boy, but once again it has been put off another month. He has been a part of our family now for sixteen months. He seems and feels like one of our own. I really hope and pray that he will have the safest and most loving environment to grow up. Right now he is such a happy, loving little fellow. It is hard to imagine the ordeals of his first three month's of his little life until he wakes up at night screaming and tense. Then you wonder just what he may still be going through in that little mind of his.
I found an update of social security death benefits listing online this evening and spent a long time looking up deceased family and finding information I have been missing. It's interesting that some family members are listed and some are not. It makes me wonder why some are omitted. For example, my own husband is not listed, and my Mother's father is not listed. However, there were many that I needed dates for and found easily.
A very dear online e-mail friend from the coast is up this way visiting her son and daughter. She and I are experiencing many of the same symptoms of Fibromyalgia. She was first told when she was sixteen that she had arthritis. I was fifteen when I was first diagnosed. We have spent many years going through various things. She called this morning just after Giggles had gone to sleep and we talked and talked for over an hour. It was as if we had know each other for years. Our sharing back and forth was helpful for both of us. She lives in a very small town and does not have anyone to share with at home. Her doctor is several hour's drive away so she doesn't make the trip too often. She is experiencing spurs on her spine now and falling much like I do as well. These are encumbrances I would never wish on anyone, but yet, it is exceptional to be able to share with someone that is already in the identical craft. We know that by paddling that boat together it is easier than trying to race alone up stream.
August 20,1999 - TGIF? I'll have to think on that one. We had timbres of thunder and brilliant lightening shows from before 3 A. M. Until... at midday it is still thundering. Our worst and closest claps and flashes were around four. Finally, close to five we got a downpour of all of ½ inch of rain! There was a slight shower here and there during the morning, but it is nowhere near what we need. Wells and springs are beginning to dry up and the county is beginning to see the need for implementing some method of plan to provide water to those who's water supply dwindles down and out. The forecast extends our drought conditions through the winter months. In other words, there is more to come. Thank goodness that our water supply comes from the river and it is less likely to dry up than other sources would. It is a system of dams that the power company developed to provide the needed electricity along the towns it flows through and close by.
Mrs. Jay calls and makes plans for the three of us to eat out together today. I am exhausted, but I shall go. Alli picks us up and drives to a Chinese Buffet this time. Surprisingly, we are all sort of tired and not our usual jovial selves on this damp and cooler day of summer. In fact, after lunch we all ended up taking a nap.
Tbird called to say she was on her way over with supper for us. Supper turned out to be Japanese and I have enough for a meal tomorrow left over. She noted that we probably got an over abundance of MSG in our lunch making us all so sleepy this afternoon. The boys want to spend the night so, they go to visit with Mother for a while - which was a bonus for her. She loves any time the younger ones are around. Now I wonder how we will do for the night ...
August 21,1999 - Go with the pain, let it take you . . . Open your palms and your body to the pain. It comes in waves like a tide, and you must be open as a vessel lying on the beach, letting it fill you up and then, retreating, leaving you empty and clear . . . With a deep breath – it has to be as deep as the pain – one reaches a kind of inner freedom from pain, as though the pain were not yours but your body's. The spirit lays the body on the altar.
from Anne Morrow Lindbergh,War Within and Without
For way too many years I would not allow myself to feel pain. I would not acknowledge the damage that was taking place inside myself as I strove to defy the reality of things not being up to snuff within. There was always the need to push a little harder to prove to myself that there was not really anything happening within that I could not master and control. Control seemed to be the center of everything. As the years passed I continued to have the interior fight for control.
Which would win out, the pain or the ignoring of pain? I know now that it was really a fight of denial for me. Instead of working with and learning to accept limitations, I battled against them. No way would I ever give in. To accept would be to lose.
Win or lose should not be the name of the game. Compatibility and acceptance is the real winner if indeed it is a battle. There is no genuine strength of one over the other. To try to verify a strength only precede more problems and greater limitations. Perhaps if many years ago I had accepted and worked with the body language echoing throughout my body and mind and not bulldozed so hard to show that I was superior over the dilemma I would be in healthier physical condition today.
Oh, I migrated to the other bedroom again early this morning. Oreo padded along behind me and kept me company. Charlie chose to keep watch over the boys. He really does like them and keeps a constant eye on them. Mom and Dad came by to pick them up about mid afternoon to visit with out of town friends home on vacation. They and Giggles were back with me then while Mom and Dad went out to eat with their friends. But, they do not stay for the night this time around. Tomorrow they will be off to church bright and early.
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© 1999 by Stormy Jeanne
