Nature Songs ~~~~
AUGUST,1999
The song that we hear with our ears
is only the song that is sung in our hearts.
~~Marie Louise de la Rame'e
August 1,1999 - When all had quieted down on the hottest day of the year, yesterday, I had NascarKid with me for the night. He wanted to learn about the nitty-gritty parts of doing webpages. I guided him as he set up a page of his very own just to practice and learn more things using it. It is humbling to sit beside a ten-year-old explaining things and after the first explanation you hear, "Oh, that's how it is done. That's easy. Here now, how do you do so-and-so...." or, "Oh! I'll like doing that! This is fun." He spent the evening choosing backgrounds and midis that he liked and playing with the color charts for color combinations. He has one for now and some for maybe later when he would like to change things around. Maybe together we can do some of our very own graphics. That is what he wants especially. Graphics that he has made himself. Word is that just maybe he can help his class at school this year keep up a webpage as a class project.
About noon we went out for a bite to eat and to take Mother a Country Ham biscuit that she wanted. We only spent a short time with her and it was back to the Salt Mines for NascarKid and his web project. It was time for me to indulge in my own quietude. Today turned out to be even hotter than yesterday. Just after lunch the thermometer jumped to 103º. i'm ready for cooler weather before the few plants I have remaining outdoors swivle up and die. I haven't the energy to lug around the water hose and work with them.
Today marks the first day of the third year of my online journalizing. As a very special present, Treeheart made a wonderful graphic for me. It captures the theme of my meanderings so well. I just had to put it on two pages so everyone would get a chance to see them. One is on the index page and the other one is one the Archives page. I will treasure this present forever. Treeheart is such a very special lady and friend.
Embarking on this unused year and changing websites at the same time has caused me to note a lot of past writings and desires. Interesting how things change from year to year and the need of altering plans along the way. I think that I will for my own curiosity browse through each month and note some of the objectives I had set for myself and the outcome of those objectives. How more appropriate to enrich encumbrances than to improve, or improvise to make surviving increasingly successful.
August 2,1999 - Two grandsons for the night instead of one! Of course, the one that was able to slip in the extra night tried to set the rules over the younger one, but things went quite well. NascarKid uploaded the new program I had for them which allows them to make their own stickers, do animation's and add their own voice. At first they thought it would only do stories with pictures, but became excited when they realized what all they could do with animations and adding sounds..
I officially - well, sort of, maybe - told NascarKid that he could have my HotSprings Spa site since I moved my Journal. He spent most of yesterday hunting for music, graphics and playing around with it. He has so far figured out the counter he wants and the banner to add. It's so surprising at how fast he learns the mechanics of webpaging. I told him that his teacher this year will have to provide the page for the class to use. That way, he (yes, he has a male teacher this year) will have total control over how and what things are used. I would only be a advisor there to direct and answer questions.
Keeping Giggles today was a joy. She was so very good for me and slept most of the time, in fact. I fed her some strained applesauce and pear fruits which she loved. She played in the walker/jumper contraption before snuggling down for her long nap. Dad came back early from work to pick her and the boys up. It so happened that the boys had gone with Uncle Allan while he sowed some grass for someone and they were not back yet. He fed Giggles her bottle while waiting for the boys to get back.
Allan inspected the garden since it's tenders have taken leave for the week. With so many tomatoes ripe I was fortunate that he offered to carry them home where his wife and her mother would can them tonight. I however kept a few of them. I cooked crowder peas that were picked, for my own supper. There is still some squash, cucumbers and bell peppers to dispense with. I has several yellow tomatoes to take to Mother along with some of the peas.
Not much sleep the preceding two nights, little quietude today. Wonder how much I will be able to snooze tonight? I will have to arise early for the children in the morning once again.
August 3,1999 - I got a break from the kids today. As it is working out I will only have Giggles three days a week, so today Dad keeps all the children at home. This is my day to rest except I went to the grocery store with Ms. Jay. We went from there on to see Mother for a little while and take her some sunflower seeds for her two bird feeders outside her window. She has already threatened to walk to the store and buy some herself.
I truly intended to get my checks written this morning and in the mail. There was so much junk stuff mixed in with the letters that I ended up taking a large part of the day sorting and separating the good from the bad before getting down to only what I really needed to pay. I have this habit of sticking my letters and bills in a stack and opening them when I am ready to work on my payments. From that point it wasn't long before all my money was spent. It has been interesting how bills keep dwindling in bit by bit from the surgeries and after-events. One would imagine that it would not take eighteen months or more to settle up bills, but when working with insurance companies there is not way to speed up things.
On that same theme, I could not believe my eyes when I saw not one but three bills dealing with collecting money for Mother from her primary doctor -again! One from the doctor's office, one from the insurance company that was canceled in March of 98, and one from Medicare. The accounting office assured me that all would be taken care of, yet here are the bills and they are all dated after I was given that assurance. What does one do to make corrections? I have tried everything I know to try. I am tired of trying to correct the record anymore. I think I shall just throw them in the trash and not mess with calling, visiting, or writing any more. None of those have worked anyway. But, on the other hand, I wonder just how much money is being spent needlessly all this time.
Lady comes this afternoon. I look forward to seeing her and having the house straightened and cleaned. Charlie and Oreo look forward to her being here as well. They are really excited when she comes in and eagerly awaits her pats on their heads and giving out kisses to her. However they still alert me when she arrives the same as they do for everyone else - barking and yelping - more at each other than anything else. It is a contest to see who can be the loudest.
August 4,1999 - Grandkids are back today - bright and early. NascarKid is in high spirits and ready for action. Sorry, but this is not a place for too much activity and rough-housing this day. He is pushing buttons trying to get some sort of reaction from me, but I am not responding to them. He forgets how many years I have butted heads with little ones seeking their own way swimming up the stream instead of staying in the flow, and that I can pretty well predict what is coming up. He digs himself into a situation and then he has to find his own solutions for resolving the problem.
Giggles sleeps two long naps - takes some apple juice and then sleeps; takes a bottle of Mom's milk and sleeps again. In between naps she plays in the jumper and the crib. She demands very little attention one-on-one but doesn't miss anything that passes by. When one of her big brothers happen to pass, her eyes grow larger, a big smile appears and she talks to them in her own language. So far she has been happy with me holding her in the wheelchair and hasn't fussed for me to stand or walk. Woe unto both of us should I attempt to get up and walk while holding her. Some things are best left to not finding out what could or could not be accomplished. Proving or dis-proving my ability to walk while holding Giggles is not an option.
Strange things have a way of happening around here at times. We have a red pear thing out in the field and have yet to get a ripe pear off the tree. It will be hanging full of pears and then suddenly, they all disappear. The pear tree beside of it is one that ripens in the fall, and the pears remain on it. The red pears leave no clues around. There are no cores, skins or foot prints. They are just - gone.
Yesterday Allan's wife and her mother came by to pick the crowder peas and bell peppers. I knew they were out there. Lady went out and talked a few minutes with them. Today, Allan comes in and asks me, "Who got the peas and peppers?" "What? Didn't your wife get them?" "No, they came over, but there were just a few peas and all the peppers were gone. They didn't get much." "I don't know! All I do know is that when the folks left they asked that we take care of the garden. I'm sure if some one else was to come over, they would have told me to watch for them." Another mystery. First, the pears, now the peas and peppers. It's hard to imagine who would have come into the garden and helped themselves to the produce.
NascarKid installed Johnny Castaway back on as my screensaver. When he is running the computer can unquestionably keep me company. It sounds as if someone is in the other room talking and playing. Johnny is one of those programs that you can't help yourself. You are drawn to the screen to see what is going to happen next. Most of the action is only repeats, and then all of a sudden the unexpected appears. You just have to watch because you don't want to miss anything.
I actually slept approximately three hours last night. I woke up at three a.m. and was still wearing my glasses! The television was playing, but I had turned out the light. I slept another nap after that one. What an oddity that I should get two good naps in the same night. Most nights are made up of shorter catnaps, weird dreams, meditations, prayer and searching for some comfortable angle across the bed; one where one leg will not go numb; or the other leg be so painful; the tree frogs quieted down somewhat in my head; or my back is easier. Any more I play musical pillows through the night hours. I have graduated to four pillows, and if I am not attentive, Oreo manages to commandeer one for his own feathery place to sleep.
August 5,1999 - Barking and a'barking; on and on it resounded and drifted to ears other than my own. Charlie was on to something. If only I could have found out what it was that had him so animated and vocal. It all began around 6 a.m. when a siren passed by. Charlie and Oreo both dutifully bounded through the house sounding the alert. Charlie proceeded outdoors and Oreo manned the window bench.
It wasn't long until Oreo decided that all chances of an invasion had passed and reported back to the bedroom; after all the siren could only be heard for a very short time. He choose to go back to sleep. Not Charlie! He was not about to give up his post and loud alert. When Allan came by about 9 a.m., there he was peering out through the fence at who knows what and still yapping loudly. He had something in his sight, but it was invisible to all else. It was close to ten before he decided, "Hey, it's hot out here. I am exhausted. What am I doing out here in this heat?" When he straggled in panting happily, and sopping wet from all his jumping and a'barking, he was ready to be quiet for a while. He was still bounding back and forth around the house, but the quietness that followed him was wonderful.
Talking with Ms. Jay around 8 or so, she thought maybe I was up doing something that was causing him to bark. Not so! I am on my slow day today. I have to be up and going earlier than usual tomorrow morning when the children are back. Alli and her hubby were out earlier than usual. They heard Charlie and suspected maybe he was barking at them. Not so! He was pointed away from their area. He keeps life interesting for all that are around him.
Late Monday evening, there was a horrible wreck up near Wilson's Creek Gorge. Three Mothers were on their way home from a day of swimming - each with a daughter. It was a day of sun, fun, water and regrettably, booze. An open whiskey bottle was found in the car. It crashed down against a tree below the roadway. With the hard work of volunteer firemen, rescue squads and the EMS, two hours later all were extracted from the jumbled mess of metal that once was a car. Sadly, this was a scene Allan had to cover. He happened to be EMS this day. EMS days he never will talk about what he goes through. He would have been volunteer fireman/rescue if it had been a day he was off duty EMS.
What I learned came from television, radio and newspapers. Two young girls were killed. Both has broken backs. The other girl was airlifted to a Charlotte hospital in critical condition. One Mother was taken to an Asheville hospital in critical condition. I think she was the driver. The other two Mothers are now in intensive care in Winston-Salem's Baptist Hospital. Word this morning was that the DA may be considering pressing charges of manslaught. Such a tragedy that could have been prevented.
My sleep was back on it's old pattern last night with all those weird glimpses of bits and pieces of dreams floating around. I've noticed that as of lately I am having to grab hold of the head rail of the bed and concentrate more when I try to turn from one side to the other. Sleeping on my back is not satisfactory as an option. I find myself doing some of my leglifts during the night. It is a great time to have the leg extended and the knee "locked down" and practice keeping the toes turned upward. There is a tendency to turn my foot outward when I rush too much or when sitting in a chair.
Maw has a mission. It is one that is determined to make me go into the store and make a trail all the way back to the furthermost corner from the door and get her some yarn to use. She claims that if she has the right color then she can crochet the tops of some towels. She has several towels started and needs to finish them. Bottom line is that she cannot accept the inability to continue crochet or do useful things. I only wish there was something I could find for her to do and feel that she is contributing to the well-being of others. She is out of Butterfingers again, too.
August 6,1999 - Hey, this is Friday! It is supposed to be one of those TGIF's Day when you know that you have made it through the week and all is well. All was fairly well. The grandchildren had done quite well during the week. The boys patiently waited for Friday when I promised to get Pizza! Giggles has been the best ever. Hopefully next week she will do as well with the boys in school. It will be just the two of us.
When it happens it is always so innocently. It is always so unexpected. It is unwanted. It leaves a sadness. It leaves frustration. It leaves denial. Yes, there are many words to describe the afterthoughts of such an event. To name a few: anger, disappointment, the blues, a deepening depression, surprise, unanticipated, rage, impulsive, undesired, a yearning to do better, rejection, melancholy, despondency, dejection/rejection! Why would I spend the day with all of these feelings and even more? Why, all of a sudden am I backsliding instead of steadily improving?
I don't know the exact answer that would make it all go away. I can no longer look at the event as just a passing thing. It is something that does not fit into my cliché of, "This, too shall pass." I have to accept the fact that it is not passing and it could happen again; any time, any place.
Once again when it struck, it was such an innocent movement. I am meeting my son-in-law near the door as he drops off the children for the day. I reach to turn on a lamp. I step back to allow him to pass with the baby and her carrier. What did I do wrong? I probably should not even bother to explain it away. I should say, "Well, I done it again!" Accept the action and result and stop hoping for anything better. Of course I had to have an audience! One second I am stepping aside. The next nth of a second I am on the floor. I scramble to reach for the chair and pull myself up. No way will I allow others to try to help me, if I am at all able to do it for myself. He has never seen me fall before, and is awkward about doing nothing but holding the chair still for me.
I hurriedly assure him that I am all right. I only sat down. I didn't fall forward as I did in the kitchen just back in mid April. I make it more than three months, but less than four months between my adventure this time around. I assure him that I will not endeavor to lift up Giggles unless I am sitting in my wheelchair. He need not worry about her. He was anxious about me enough to call Tbird and tell her, and he called back once to check and see if I am doing okay. With her many calls today, I dare not let on to Mother what I did. She is already on a motivation to get herself home. I don't need to be feeding her imaging of all she could do if only she could get to the house ... not now. There is enough just to cope with myself.
Continued: page 2
BACK
© 1999 by Stormy Jeanne
