JULY~~~

July 13,1999 - Some where in thepassage of time I seem to have missed out on a day! Where did it go? how did I do that? I'll never know. I guess a quote from my note to Tree pretty well sums up what has been going on...

"Hi Tree,

Strange that here I was working on getting together all of my journal entries to see what all I have and you write to ask when I started. I was going to just "move" everything over to the new site but find that I was not too systematic about my sequence and HTML tags. I started my first month August, 1997. I can't believe that I have been faithful to recording things for that long. Yesterday I began to make copies of the months! It is unreal how much I have accumulated. I look at the stack of pages and think, "Did I really do that much?" This changing of sites may be a blessing in disguise. I will be much more organized and have it all together on one site.

I know the feeling of doing a lot of hard work only to turn around and lose it. It makes you paranoid about it happening again. I go so far some times to make double backups. I did learn to always keep a floppy of each of my pages. I did not have any of the Fortune City pages and lost all of it when they had a major crash.

My son installed the zip drive so I could put all the floppies on it and not have so many disks around. Now I have a tendency to hold on to both - just in case. *S*
So goes my days....

July 14,1999 - Washed out, alone, aimless, discouraged, unmotivated, depressed, oh, whatever - does it really matter! I don't know why I feel like I do. There are things around to motivate and encourage me. There are responsibilities. Those around that desire some of my attention and time. Guess the bottom line is probably that I am just exhausted and don't have the energy to be involved in things happening around and about. Oreo is the only one to stick by my side. When I move he moves. He doesn't get far from me except to go outside and then he runs like lightening racing to get back indoors and assume his place beside me again.

Plenty is taking place. Perhaps, too much for me. Allan takes him along with him as he does some of his yards today, but I've had BingoKid for two days to give his other Grandmother a few days break. He begins back in Year-round School tomorrow. This is his last year in Elementary School. Next year will be Middle School. How has he grown so fast.

NascarKid and DynoKid come over before lunch to spend a little time here. As it turns out they only get to spend a short time with cousin BingoKid. I make some muffins for them and make the mistake of putting nuts for the topping. They don't like nuts, so I salvage some of the batter and make them some smaller muffins with no nuts. Kids of today don't eat like we did as I was growing up. We always ate what was fixed for us and were thankful to have it. It was always exciting waiting for something to come out of the oven, or be called to sit down as a family together for a meal. Today's families have different values, different traditions and different expectations.

It is sort of a letdown at this stage, but I got another reply from Yahoo! today about trying different sorts of things to correct what I was doing wrong to get onto my website. Again, the things they referred to were for those that are already into the system. On a whim, I make my daily trip to sign-in and try one more day to access the system for a prim and proper nickname and admittance to the society. Surprise! The page layout is changed and when I push the accept button, it accepts me!! I am in as of July 14th. I can get back to the HotSprings Spa site. Now which do I keep and which will I change. I am thinking now that I will keep the new site at Bath. I have a lot of work done now on changing and better organizing the past two years. Perhaps this is part of my total exhaustion. It has been a mammoth undertaking to bring it all together and organized as a unit.

My aunt that broke her elbow is having problems with her hip and there is some concern that she may have broken it. She has been in and out of the hospital and doctor's office everyday since early Sunday morning. She still does not know for sure what is what. Her granddaughter is staying with her and taking her the places she has to go to.

Mother has been up to her own antics. Her phone was not working and we got a new battery for it. The battery did not do its thing. Wes had to get her a new phone and I had to go over yesterday and reprogram the numbers into it. With her Parkinson induce shaking it is difficult for her to dial numbers and get them correct. She has called me many times today because she has not been able to get BJ. I truly think that I have the number put in correct, but have promised to go over tomorrow and check it out for her. When the other phone was opened to see if it could be repaired it was full of dried Coke! She apparently spilled it on the phone when it was laying on her bedstand. On checking her remote for the TV, he found a loose connection and was able to fix it so that was one I didn't have to order.

BingoKid went with me to fix the phone. Mother was playing bingo when we got there so we joined her in the dining room where she was playing. She won four games yesterday. BingoKid played one of her cards for two games. He pushed her wheelchair back up the hallway and I pushed her roommate's chair.

Lady came and spun some of her magic yesterday evening getting the house back in some sort of order for me. It seemed that a lot of stuff was out of place after having the kids in and out more than usual this past week. When she went to mop, there was no mop bucket! I knew there could be only one place that it would be. Sure enough when Lady walked out to the field and checked the beagles' cage there was my mop bucket being used for their water bucket. She had to use a plastic waste basket for mopping this time.

July 15,1999 - Yes! I found the perfect quote for me since I seem to be at the mercy of the season.

"Now it is summer, and now as usual, I forget to work. The beauty of the world has conquered me." -Leo Tolstoy

Here it is evening and I have probably done less than nothing for the total day. If it took very much energy, it was postponed till later. Mrs. Jay invited me out for tuna salad for lunch with her. I pried myself out of bed at 11:30 to get a quick shower, dress and get next door by twelve.

After lunch she rode with me to see Mother. I checked out her new phone and sure enough I had programmed the correct number in for BJ. She had just not keyed in the right two keys. It will take her a while to get used to it. He came up to see her after we left. First thing he noticed was that she had the new phone and wondered why since he had bought the new batteries for the other one and thought it would work. I haven't told him yet that the other one was full of thick sticky, sugary Coke gook.

From there we drove up to Belk's and I picked up a shower gift for my niece's bridal shower on Sunday. I had them to wrap it for me so it is in the car and ready for Sunday. The party is in Hickory and I hope that Tbird will be back from her camping trip with the church kids in time to go with me. Last time we were at a shower there, she had to let me out and park a little piece down the road and there is no sidewalk.

Before I could hardly get my feet up to rest, Wes's father-in-law came by to sign papers and complete the sale of the Blazer to him. After he left I had to call my insurance company to drop it from my insurance. As he was going out the door Tbird and her crew drove up. She had her friend's little one to look after until the friend got out of the beauty shop. I held Giggles for a little, but than put her in the crib where she promptly went to sleep. When they left I headed back to the bed and rest. Maybe there will be more energy and whatever tomorrow. For now, I need to make my way to the computer and check the e-mail. I haven't even been to the computer today. What would I do without my trusty laptop to use while propped up against the head of the bed, arms resting on it as my fingers poke the keys trying to keep up with the train of thoughts fleeting by….

July 16,1999 - Ho-hum! The pits! Boredom! La-la-land! Or is it depression, disappointment, lack of energy, lack of ability?

These past days have not been the best in the world. It is redundant to repeat what I always seem to repeat, but as the day progressed I began to tune in to what my body was telling me. There is an obvious reason for the way that I am feeling. Through the years I have developed a tendency to tune out my back and how it makes me feel and move. Now I am aware that when I move and try to do much that, "Yes. There is definitely a pattern of pain involved in how I am feeling." The lower back is not functioning up to par. The pain is a deep, hot, radiation along with some tightness through the muscles.

This is a pain that I have known for so many years that I tend to push it back and try to focus my attention on an activity other than the pain. It is a pain that I have learned not to share with others. A pain that others do not seem to comprehend in terms of having to restrict what and how things are accomplished. It is a pain that I have learned to keep inside myself and in turn, separate myself from others. At times like this I tend not to take part in life outside of my inner realm of aloneness.

Surprisingly enough, I had a visit from my pastor this afternoon. This is only the third time I have seen him since before my last surgery. He was on his way to another Nursing Home to visit a lady that once spent some time helping AO after breaking her hip and having her knee replacement. She is not doing very well as it sounds. He also stopped and spent some time with Mother. He understands that getting up and down can be a problem. He doesn't realize that it is difficult for me to leave the house to go and do things alone! I have no family there that can help me if I should need it. My aunt is in no condition to offer much help if I should need it. The steps, the "hump" in the parking lot, my unsteadiness are fears I am not dealing well with. I CAN get up with my on style of push and heave-ho. I am willing to do that much. I am unsure of the going in and coming out. My AO had got to the place and time in her life that she would not go to church without me there. She depended on me for support and understanding, for help when necessary. What I understand more where she was coming from. I am at that point in my life.

July 17,1999 - Time spent on the moving of the Journal from several sites into one yesterday ended with me finishing up the day frustrated. For some unseen ghostly act of the HTML, the archives page will not work. I reproduce one year to make a new one. The new one works, the one I copied will not work. I can find no explanation for the fluke of fate. Try as I may, only the new one will work.

I must get out of this house today and get a few things done. There is a letter to be mailed, some groceries to restock, a Nursing Center visit to make. Wonder what I will do.

I forgot the Geocities page that was presenting such an inconvenience yesterday and focused my attention on Tripod and moving some of the pages of the old site onto Tripod. Time consumed flitting those pages was much more successful and it wasn't all that drawn-out to have seven pages up and going. Well, it did take a minute duration to figure that I had to go through and switch the icons and graphics once they were uploaded to the site. Once the system had a rhythm to it, I zipped right through the process.

A phone call hence, awaiting for my agreement to help out for the evening, was Wes. He needed someone to serve as sentry for BingoKid while they went to Boone for a musical program. Someone had supplied them with tickets. Of course I agreed. So BingoKid and I will hoard the evening together.

The day has been consumed with an eye and an ear tuned to the television and the story unfolding about the Kennedy's and yet another grave adversity it appears. A tragic accident on a day that was meant to be fulfilled with rapture.

July 18,1999 - The BingoKid and I spent a really nice evening together. We had a pizza together. We took turns at the computer - only enough for me to check e-mail several times. He tried hard to make it until midnight before zonking out and nearly made it. He is maturing so from day to day. When Mom called to say they were out of the program, I told them not to rush that he wanted to repose here for the night and they could just come by this morning to pick him up.

I tune in the television and catch up on the Kennedy Tragedy and then my church service. I have to wait until I hear from Tbird before I leave to do anything. There is the bridal shower in Hickory this afternoon - Mother is out of Butterfingers again - and sunflower seeds for the birds - I need a few encumbrances from the store myself. T'would be nice if I could just curl up and stick around here without venturing outdoors.

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