Read What Others Have Shared
(July 1999)
There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone
July 11, 1999
From : Karen
E-mail : nightowl16@webtv.net
I have been a Christian since the age of 16 and suffered from depressive episodes for most of my life.I wasn't actually diagnosed and started on meds until 6 years ago at the age of 39.
I had a lonely chidhood,only child and we moved alot so I rarely had friends.I have always felt that I was "different" from other people or that there was something wrong with me. I completed college,have a fairly sucessful career and I was married for 12 years to a Christian man I met in a singles group at a large church.
He was unable to have children because of having cancer at a young age but we agreed that we would adopt. I always wanted a family. The years passed and he decided that he didnt really want to adopt anymore I fell into a major depressive epsode. He decided it was no fun being married to a depressive and left. That is when I really fell apart.I was mad at God.I am a Christian I don't believe in divorce.
When I hit bottom I decided to either kill myself or get some help. Luckily and with God's grace the first medication I tried helped and I found a wonderful therapist who helped me see that it was ok to be angry. I always thought it was a sin to be angry or depressed and so I tried to hide my feelings.That doesn't work.Those feelings are still there no matter how much I tried to pretend they weren't.
Some Christians seem to think that depression and depending on meds is a lack of faith but I am just glad they are available because all the prayer and scripture in the world did not help as much as meds and therapy have.
I am currently suffering a relapse and just started on a new med and I am hoping it will help.
I also need to do some things to change my lifestyle but it is very hard. My job is graveyard shift hours because the pay is better but it is very hard to make friends, have a normal social life or even get to church regularly after working all night. I am so jealous of people who have families and normal lives.I will never have children.nieces,nephews or any kind of family of my own and that makes me very sad,especially in the Chrstian world where family seems to be so all-important.I am often lonely and even though I know God is with me I need other people too. I need the family of believers since it is the only family I have.I am trying hard to trust God that someday my life will be better.
July 14, 1999
From : Rose
E-mail : dooshie@aol.com
Depression has been a part of my life on and off for the past 9 years. When depression first took hold of my life in 1990 I literally fell apart. With mornings always being the peak of my energy level, I could not even get out of bed, nevertheless take care of my 3 young children like the responsible mother I had been. I lost 20 or more pounds in a short 3 months because food had now become something I could barely swallow. Being around people in any form was almost impossible. Being out in a public place was non-existent. So many things could have caused me to retreat into this state of perpetual darkness. Repressed anger, losing my mother a few years before and not being able to grieve because I had just given birth to twins, and a medication that is believed to cause depression in some people.
The signs had been creeping slowly into my life months before but were ingnored because my life was full of responsibilities and that didn't include taking much time for myself or God.
A pshychiatrist that I visited on numerous occasions requested that I take an anti-depressant to lift the depression. Though I chose to work through this without medication I think that the depression would have lifted in a shorter time had I chosen the medical route.
But God had other plans for me. TRUST IN HIM because there was no where else to turn if I was to get better. I don't think I was worthy to receive a healing because I was a sinner and still am. But by HIS grace, which is sufficient for all our needs, HE carried me through.
Today, and throughout the past 9 years, trouble in my heart and mind cause me to slip temporarily into that darkness. You see, life has its ups and downs. . .there is nothing we can do about that. How we handle those ups and downs and who we trust to carry us through them is what is so important.
My father put a gun to his head a year and a half ago, I am in a lawsuit with my stepmother, my brother and his family are moving to Florida and my summer, which is normally spent vacationing with my husband and our 3 teenagers is filled with work, summer sports, summer school and catering to the kids needs. Again, I find I am not taking time for myself and not taking time to fill my darkening spirit with God's promising words of hope and joy.
I know this too shall pass. . .but while I endure yet another phase of depression, I call upon the name of the Lord to fill my darkness with His light. I hope you will do the same. GOD BLESS YOU, He has blessed me.
July 21, 1999
My illness started when I was a teenager. I had my first panic attack at the age of 16. I did not know what it was except that it was a very scary experience. As I entered adulthood, the attacks became more frequent espiecally when my stress increased. As I gave birth to my children, my anxiety increased. There were times when I felt all wound up like a clock. Then came the sleepless nights, the tiredness, confusion and utter despair. I had many physical manifestations such as extreme gastrointestinal upset, aching muscles, headaches, imsomnia. The day that I was diagnosed with depression, I started crying because I felt so bad and could not stop. I spent ten days in the hospital. The Doctor gave me an antidepressant that helped me to sleep. For the first time in three years I had a good nights rest. For years I lived with people talking about me and saying stuff like "you cannot be friends with Lynne because she is always so depressed". This came from christian people who didn't understand that depression is an illness. I cannot be hard on them though because I did not understand it either. I was very ashamed that I could not control my moods and that no one wanted to be around me. I like many others, was ashamed of taking antidepressants. I took this antidepressant for about a year then I decided that I might could do without it. So I quit and the symptoms returned. I did this several times and each time the symptoms would return worst than before.
I have cried out to God many times to take this from me. One time my husband went to the pastor of the church we were attending and asked for prayer for me because I was depressed. The Pastor's answer was "She does that a lot doesn't she? She needs to get victory over that". He never even tried to come to pray for me. I was very frustrated and discouraged because I felt abandoned by everyone, except God. Even through the horrible despair that I felt, I could feel HIS presence around me. I asked God why do I have to suffer with this and to please take this away from me. The scripture came to me in II Corinthians 12:7
July 22, 1999
Instead of dwelling on the abuses I've suffered from others due to bipolar affliction, other physical health problems (which keep me from working and attending college normally, and being Christian having to live through an
abusive grammar school situation from prejudices of children
and health problems, insensitive family members, and a non-
understanding 'fix-all' church and seen media: I'd rather
tell what things help to clear my mind.
I have crying spells, and despairing times. However,
Jesus was 'in touch' with His emotions. He understands and
supports our defending ourselves,(now being called 'complaining') when people are frustrating. Jesus went off
'withdrew' into the wilderness alone and cried in the garden. He got angry in the church when people were using
his Father the wrong way. Ignoring the true meaning for
their own greed. He fell asleep in spite of himself on the
boat. BA makes us all tired and we may need extra sleep or
coffee to keep us awake. He defended the stoned woman when
she sinned and was being punished by the Men. He spoke to
her with kindness, didn't yell, nor condemn. He showed
a gentleness which is uncommon nowadays. He said "Let the
little children come to me". He actually talked to people and accepted their individuality for his Father made us all
who we are. He touched the sick and dying with his hands.
He personally invited the apostles to come with him, we may
be ignored when it comes to be asked out by others. He
visited the sick personally and came into their homes, not
to criticize, but to lend support. He let the wedding party
continue as it was, where people were drinking of spirits, dancing, and enjoying themselves in good fun, not immorally.
He never yelled at his people, nagged them, interrogated,
harassed,mistreated,teased,humoured, punished, abased, nor got angry with His people.
He didn't expect a public testimony of a miraculous healing,but rather told them to tell their preachers confidentially. He didn't perform magic to deceive them or force them into believing in him.
He has sent us little furry animals to be by our side, and comfort us with love, quietness, and understanding when
we're unwell. As Eden he has given us nature and freedom
to enjoy it in our way to comfort us with it's beauty, and
a sky which reminds us of his quietness, and brilliance.
In heaven we will receive a reward for his unconditional
love, and be given a city of gold, and gemstones.
I can turn off the man-made interferences. For I
know that Jesus IS forever with me. He hears prayers, and
happiness that I don't outwardly express. No matter what
others say, do, scheme, or think. He is my true friend.
July 24, 1999
I was a girl full of energy and heavenly bliss that I never looked other in a negative attitude. Everybody came to be for advice and I always gave them the positive side of their problems.
But in the January 1993, I had a terrible set back on my life that I could not control my self and felt so insecure with so many negative attitudes of my self which I never ever felt so. I thought it was time for my death and could not think of it so early as I had a sweet little daughter who was just 2 years and 10 months old. My husband was not with in at that time and for better prospects we went to the gult for a job. During his absence I stayed with my in laws with i.e. his mother and father as well as sisters-in-law and their children who would make my living more difficult and blame me for what I was not. I did never say a word to them all, but later came a stage I could only believe what they spoke before me was all that I was in real life and that all the past I lived like what they say. I kept fighting within myself, as I had no one to tell what I was going at that moment I even thought and wished that my little daughter had grown enough with whom I could share!
my experiences and more over my husband I missed very much at that instance. I was such a strong personality that I never felt need of any one in my life except that of GOD.
Since then onwards till date I think I have lived all my past years creating problems for others and thus feel guilty for my being.
THough medication help me but only for certain period and than everything comes back to me, the curses etc.
Today I only live for GOD and say that Only He knows my mind that in whatever sense I did work before he is my only witness in this world and no other person can know be better than the LORD Himself.
Now, I live for my daughter, my husband and to those very few people whom I can touch and reach to their hearts in sorrow and pain, to be with them so that they see not me but Christ that live in me as I ask my Lord to make me a reflection of his glory so that every person I meet may see not Aquila but Christ living in me even with this horrifying illness that I am with till the Lord if he wishes takes it from me.
July 28,1999
Where does one begin. I'm divorced with 2 childern 10 and 9 I've been divoreced for some time, but I such can't get on with my life or over him. He is re-married now with a kid with her, my two have to go over and visit and I hate it, I get so depressed that his life turned out so great after the divorce and me being the christian who believes and has kept faith thru this, my life sucks (except for the kids) I listen to these preacher people on TV and radio (joyce myer for one ) who keep saying keep doing what is right, keep praying, keep reading the bible, yet I am still down, I hate going to sleep at night, I am a bit bitter because things turned out so great for him (even though he did everying against what Gods word said).
Well enough of this, my favorite verse that keeps me going is Isaiah 43:1-3.
Thanks for letting me rattle on.
From : LynneAnd lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8: For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9: and He said unto me, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE: FOR MY STRENGTH IS MADE PERF!
ECT IN WEAKNESS. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
It has been one year ago last July that I was discharged from the hospital for the second time. ( I quit taking my medicine again) I feel that this scripture burned inside me as I must accept my situation and let God's strength be made perfect in my weakness. I don't fully understand why I live with this, but my life is easier once I accepted this. To take care of myself, I go to a support group for people who have been in the hospital for depresion. I go into the hospital and speak to inpatients suffering from depression to let them know that there is Hope and that God cares for them. I keep my faith in Jesus because He has never failed me... ever. I know that this is long, but I had to tell what is in my heart. May God Bless all of you out there.
From : Aquila Colaco
From : Darlene