Read What Others Have Shared
(August 1999)
There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone
August 27, 1999
From : nita
E-mail : neru80@hotmail.com
I am 32 years single and had feelings of depression and loneliness since I was about 12. I felt like I was disappointment to my family. My mother put a lot of emphasis on appearance. Sometimes she was embarrassed of me, because when she was a young lady she was thin and beautiful. I was slighty over wieght and just not very pretty. I spent a lot of time alone wondering if anyone would really love me. I had low self esteem. In high School I tried to be friendly and meet people. I always felt that no one liked me because I wasnt attractive.
My parents fought often...my dad didnt care much for us kids. Most of the time we took care of ourselves...thank God we did have a house to live in and meals. I know my mom did what she could for us. Years ago, her and I talked about it and she realized that her and my brothers were hard on me. I tried my best to make them proud by dieting and working hard in school. Through this, I have developed a eating disorder. Which has gotten better over the years
I have had a few bad relationships with men...I guess hopefully to find someone to love and care for me. Then I moved away because of bad memories of family and relationships. About 2 years ago I met someone and fell in love with him. It did'nt work for several reasons. He was very kind to me, although he wasnt a Christian. He knew my values and beliefs, having sex outside of marriage was just not right...and a few other things he didnt understand or couldnt except. We kept in touch and of course he dated other women. Eventually he got married and to this day I still cry about him on a daily basis. He was the first guy I fell in love with, who shared his love and actually cared about my well being. Its been about 2 years since we have known each other. I haven't spoken to him in over a year, but still do miss him and think about him on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over this.
I do love God very much for helping me through these tough times. He has been the only one to stay and love me no matter what. Sometimes, I get disappointed in myself for not being the positive Christian witness I should be. But he always loves me regardless of how I feel about myself.
Thank you for reading my story. I'm so glad there is a web site where we Christians can express our joys and sorrys. I know God is still working on me...just as he continuely works with all of us.
God bless you all
nita
August 24, 1999
From : Sheila
E-mail : Sheilaj921@aol.com
Hi,
I'm not sure if I'm really suffering from depression, it sort of comes and goes. I know before I was saved I was definitely depressed but I have a peace now that sometimes confuses the issue.
I know that I feel frustrated because I know that there is a rest, comfort, etc in the Lord but I feel at times I am unable to live it. I thought maybe it was because I was trying so hard, so I stopped trying and started to rest more. It doesn't always elude me, however, half of the time I can rest in the Lord's promises.
Last year in early spring I felt constantly in turmoil. I started really using the Word then to deliver me....1Tim 1:7 God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Sometimes I felt my head was spinning from all the knowledge I had but couldn't apply and that verse helped a lot. I cried a lot during that period.
I still cry somewhat, mostly because I feel like such a failure in my walk. I am too sensitive to what I sense as slights by others. I am in the Bible everyday and try to concentrate on praying without distraction but I find myself feeling these things all over again. I'm not sure what to do now but I still am obedient to what I have learned thus far and try to "count it all joy". One thing I do know is that being an avid reader, sometimes I must lay it all down and just read the Word. This helps a lot. Instead of being in my head, I then am leading more with my heart and thus am more sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading and to others.
Hope this makes sense to others out there...please feel free to respond if it does. I am surrounded by Christians who mean well but really don't understand. Hence I feel alone a lot and don't feel to burden them. Anyway it feels freeing to spill my guts....thanks for the opportunity.
Sheila
August 19, 1999
From : Ryan
E-mail : petthefish@prodigy.net
Hello i am a 23 year old from californa I have been very down for about five years I am poor and have not the cash to get help I have just been trying to help myself as much as posable I finaly relized I have a problem about six monthes ago I started to cut my arms and burn myself in times of pain and lonlyness. Sometimes I lay in bed and look at the ceeling and yell at god asking him if he so loved me then why am I going throught life all alone will no one that cares about me. I have no hope for the future if the past repeats itself then I will pass. I was raised in a fammaly that always to this day tell me that I will not amount to nothing the only reasion i have not tryed to kill myself is I would prove them right buy ending it. That is a hard thing for me as a christan to deal with to think I would give up on god Yet when it hits I feel as if god has givven up on me. Maby he has i dont know.
I long for the days when I could go and sit but the river and let life pas buy without wanting to jump in and drown. I gess ths is when it comes to know I am still burning myself I do it cause the pain I inflickt on mysleft i desrve casue of the pain i cause my famaly. I live at home after trying to move out and failing cause i just could not do it. I am unemployed cause of the move and it is very hard I have no friends and no one to talk to about this thats hy I am wrighting this I hope that I will not feel alone in this battal. I wish there was some were I could get help but when you are poor handouts are not given to the sick. Thank you for taking the time to read this i hope you cna relate and you will pray for me.
Ryan
August 4, 1999
From : Pat N.
E-mail : stamper@ptd.net
I am a 49 yr. old wife and mother. I have a wonderful husband ,3 grown loving children and am some-what artistically talented.....but about 9 months ago I could feel depression hitting me. I was still coping and working at my job as a C.N.A. then in Feb. something hit me that scared me more than I can say... suicidal thoughts. "I am a Christian and know this is wrong . When I die I want to go to Heaven and be with my Heavenly Father....How can I think these thoughts." I went to the councilor at the hospital I worked at and was admitted to the psychiatric center....even went through E.C.T. treatments after cutting my wrist. The page in your diary is as if I had wrote it myself..I am better, but still have a lot of bad days. I feel like "I'm not living ...only existing". My husband asks if I've had a good day, and I feel guilty if I don't say "yes." The worst thing someone said to me about being depressed is "Oh, you feellike nobody loves you..." I know my family loves me and would feel terrible if I died..but I hate being in this body and being able to feel..I know that sounds very ungrateful to God. The verse Philippians 4:6-7 is a wonderful verse. I'm going to learn it. I wish everyone understood I just prefer to be alone . I do feel more peaceful when I listen to a Christian radio station. I do believe God is going to bring me through this , I just pray for the patience. Thank you and bless you for having this page.
Love & prayers,
Pat
August 5, 1999,
From : Jessica
E-mail : jn1413@mailcity.com
Hello, Everyone!
Back in April I shared my pains here on this site. I was in a horrible way. I Thank God for all of you who have written to me & have expressed sympathy for my condition. Today, I'm much better, though I still have bad days, but alot less of them. I have found that by working a 12 step program & attending group meetings, it has not only helped with my compulsions, but has also lifted the burden of my emotional baggage. I'm seeing things a lot clearer than before. The pain will always be there, but I can face each day with more strength & hope.
Dear Lord,I pray for everyone who reads this to find peace & joy again in their daily walk, Amen.
God's Best to you, Jessica
August 7, 1999
From : Alex
E-mail : divineknight5@hotmail.com
As so many have previously mentioned, it takes courage for a Christian to admit they have depression. My story? For the record, some symptoms began my sophomore year of high school (fall 1995). I got on treatment and saw a psychologist regularly for almost a year and a half. My senior year of high school was very fun filled. I was on the varsity football and baseball teams, even nominated for prom king later in the year. But it seems that my senior year was my climax and since then, not much personally has changed. I began college in the summer of 1998. Not even two months later, I withdrew from the school. The counselor I sought there heavily advised me to do so. He was afraid I had serious depression. It was no surprize really. I was failing every class and had no social contacts at the school (I drove home every weekend). After leaving that school, I went to a Christian school in the fall of 1998, with expectations high. By October, I desperately wanted to go home. Once again having made no friends or attending social gatherings (ironically, my grades were very high during this time). Even at this Christian school, people seemed to flee from me, but, honestly, who could blame them? No one wants to be in the company of a depressed person. Once I came to this conclusion, my depression only got worse. Don't get me wrong, there were some good times such as the time I got to see a guy I knew get saved and baptized, that was a fulfilling event. By the middle of spring this year, I knew I had to transfer. So I did. I transferred to a large Christian university in my hometown, the same place many of my friends from high school attend. As happy as they were to hear that news, it scared me. I have great Christian friends, but for some reason, I am mollified to go back home. For the last month, I have been working in Houston, away from friends and family. Being separated from friends was bad enough (ironically), but being away from my mother was even more difficult. My mother is a true blessing to me and I tell her everything. My real father passed away eight years ago this month. And she has stood by me through my bouts with depression. This time, however, I don't want to tell her about the depression I am feeling. I feign happiness on the phone and the company I work for praises my work ethic. But I'm still empty inside. I seek God, I cry out to Him! I'm living off of his Word. I am praying that God will strengthen me through these trials. As good and great as that sounds, I still struggle. I want to defeat this overbearing feeling, so I can be happy once again. I know God is with me, and He will never stray from me. It is my prayer for all of you who have trusted your stories to other Christians. I praise Jesus that we are not ashamed to admit we are suffering, but at the same time, surrender still that God will strengthen us and use us to His greatest good. Here's a verse I found, a verse I used to read before a football game, but at the same time has relevance to us:
"Remember the days, after you had received the light, when you stood your ground, in a great contest, in the face of suffering..." Hebrews 10:32I know that Jesus said "I have overcome the world." We are God's children, and will always be his, depressed or not. May the Lord bless each of you, in your trials and your praises.
-a friend, brother in Christ
Alex