Read What Others Have Shared
(November 1998)
There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone
November, 18, 1998
From: Louise Keeton
E-mail: ckeeton@safeweb.net
I'm in the middle of writing a paper about the lack of support groups for Christians who suffer from depression. I would love to share my story, but it will have to be later. I WILL share information about this site with others.
The one piece of information I cannot find for my paper is: How many people in the Church (are professed born-again Christians) suffer from depression (diagnosed)?
If anyone knows the answer or can point me in the right direction, I'd appreciate it!
Again, I'll be back
November 19, 1998,
E-mail: cabesudo@aol.com
I have never been diagnosed because I've never been to a doctor, but I fit all of the symptoms I have found in my research about depression. I have always suffered from bouts of depression, but I always used to attribute them to external situations such as, relationship problems, family problems, career failures and past tramatic experiences. However, this current episode was not triggered off by any external problems, that is, everything is fine in my life, there is no logical justification for these terrible feelings of emptiness. This just crept up on me and I'm back to that state of existance of surviving not living. I have started to back track in memory and I've noticed these episodes come in cycles about six months apart. Six months I'm fine, and the next six months I'm nearly suicidal. I don't really remember when it started, but they seem to get worse. I say worse because I don't have the strength to endure or fight for my well being anymore. When I'm here in this st! ate, or other self, I can't imagine being the person I was when I'm normal--I have the memory of what I used to be like,but I can't imagine returning to that other life. My life used to be filled with prayer and closeness to God, I used to love writing poetry, reading literature, philosophy and theology. I used to paint, play my guitar and enjoy myself with all kinds of creative activities. Socially I was compassionate and reached out to those who society considered unredeemable. To my freinds I was advisor and comforter. To my students I was inspiring, passionate and encouraging. Of course I had depfects like anyone else and struggled with what is common to man, but I was a person who thirsted after God, overcome many hardships and lived a life full of passion. That person I have just described is only a memory. Now I can barely function. All my creative interests are no longer pleasurable. I find no desire to do any of the things I once found fulfilment in. One day slips into the next and I feel no purpose or meaning in life. I don't want tomorrow to come because tomorrow means another day of enduring. I am a stranger to myself and find no place in this world. My behavior is escapist in order to avoid coping or keep me from feeling these feelings of ! dread and pain. I watch T.V, sleep or eat in order to forget what I have become. I have isolated myself from others in order to hide the shame. Interaction with others takes so much effort because I have to pretend to be normal. Many times I cry and don't know why. Other times I cry and lament over what used to be me, the what could have been. I also feel disgusted with myself, virtually hating myself for this pathetic existence I've diminished to. Confidence no longer exists--all there is is this empty shell who eats, sleeps and watches t.v to pass the time. Many times I want to die and be with God--be relieved from all this suffering. I want to die, but I cannot commit suicide because of the pain it will cause to those close to me, so I just wander in this place with no place to escape from me. I know I need help, but phychiatric treatment is so costly and I have no insurance, nor do I make a lot of money. I try to talk with christians in chat rooms, but all I get are pat an swers, empty church linguo and a pray it away lecture. There just doesn't seem to be a place for depression or room for discussion in the church and this causes me to feel bitterness and aliantion from those in the church, those who I look to for help. I don't know what is to become of me and I don't know how long I could go on like this. I know I believe in God, but he seems so distant and silent. My only desire is to be with him, to see face to face and feel his hand wipe away the tears from my eyes.