Nauseous & Left Holding The Baggy..
The original idea was to create a newsletter to support women finding themselves in this predicament, to make it a little easier to get through what can be a bit of a rough time. I have since got my computer and would like to do something like an email exchange (pen pals section?). Anyone who would like to comment or put their email addy on my site to exchange correspondence and maybe a little support, just click on the little girl on the end and e me to let me know.
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I thought that there was a need to acknowledge the pickles and (and ice cream) many women find themselves in with an unplanned pregnancy.You know how you wake up one day and you just know that you're up the stump,eh, ehm,er, with child AGAIN.
You'd know, even if you weren't hangin' on for dear life, the cold of the toilet bowl feeling good on your hot cheek. You'd know, even if you weren't begging for a quick and merciful death. Even if you weren't marking the days off the calendar, each minute feeling like a thousand years...you'd know.
Oh Yes, there is something wonderful and glowing about a pregnant woman, after that goulish shade of green wears off!
You're hoping against hope that you are wrong,. Something easy, like the Asian flu, or a minor resurgence of the bubonic plague might be going around. You swear to Jehovah, Ali Baba and just about anybody who will listen that that's it, you're making the appointment, no more fooling around this time, (really!)
You'll get that tubal litigation, mutilation...whatever it takes. Just as long as you're saved, All Might Lord.
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And what about HIM? He manages an *OOPS*, but offers no apology, no babysitting arangements. "Well honey, I'm not sorry. It's not that bad is it?" he asks. Then he's heading out the door for his new job, pardon me, career, in another country. This is the man that you couldn't shove out the door to cut the grass last year. "See ya in a couple of weeks," he promises, trying to look casual as he lopes out the front door.
When I found myself in this situation, the questions that I had to ask over and over was "Why me?" and "Why now?" Freshly awakened after years spent in a haze of sleep deprevation, I was just starting to feel as a butterfly must feel, emerging fresh from the confines of it's cocoon. A butterfly with visions of all the places it could go with such fine, strong wings, a glorious flight to freedom. Then reality slapped me in the face when I realized with painful irony that my due date was just two weeks after my youngest started school. I felt I had earned and waited patiently - sometimes not so patiently- for that time, to have it ripped from me now.
Then came the guilt for resenting things that I'm lucky to have, but never wanted to need. Having to ask my Mother-in-law to baby sit. I had always prided myself on never having to ask. My father and brother in law helped my husband build us a bigger house. After years of living in less than ideal conditions, I had much to be grateful for, BUT had spent years planning it as *our* project.
It was great for them, a time of renewal and all that male bonding stuff. I made lunch. And I watched my marraige wither as I became more and more removed from what was supposed to have been *our Dream*... our life. In becoming a parent again, it has also made me a child, a feeling I thought I had escaped when I reached adulthood. A gut wrenching feeling that I had lost complete control of my own life.
Selfish, selfish, selfish... a word never far or too shy to take front seat in an already crowded mind. Dealing with the feelings of guilt and isolation at emotions that I wasn't supposed to have was probably the hardest thing. What kind of a person was I to think "She's beautiful, but I had other plans." What kind of a person feels angry when presented with such a gift? Wanting to shout from the top of the tallest building, "But what about my life?" is not exactly sociably acceptable behaviour.
My life truly began the day my first child was born, continued to be enriched when my daughter Robyn followed, and was expanded till I thought it would burst when Christina arrived. And you know what? I experienced things that I would never experience any other way. A home birth for example, which was truly the best, most spiritual day of my life.
In accepting this gift of serendipity, I'm still living with the fall out. In the last half hour, I've removed her from the computer plug about four times, kept her from toppling my desk twice, rescued her from getting stuck under my chair, caught her before she fell out of the cardboard box her toys are supposed to be in, made a few trips to the kitchen for snacks and one pause for refreshments (Oh yeah, I'm also the refreshment booth). Now she's doing the rubber band routine as she gnaws on my leg and makes a general nuisance of herself. It just goes on and on.
But as I sit and watch her go, truly my bonus child, I can't think of anything else that I could have accomplished in the last two years that would even compare. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at her and think, "She's so beautiful," basking in the happiness of her smile and the pride in my heart, my plans somehow more complete, because she is here.
They say life is what happens when your busy making *other plans*. I have learned to try not to fret about the destination, but to kick back and enjoy the journey, collecting cherished memories and grand souvenirs along the way.
Writing this paper has been an interesting experience for me, as it was originally started when Christina was quite small. *The Baby* is now approaching her second birthday. It amazes me to see how I have grown along with her. The past struggles and years seem to me now to have passed as mere seconds. A bug on the windshield of life. Surprise! Life is good!
..So I guess I'll keep her. If she gets off my chair.
Baby Kisses
Sweet..
Cookie filled mouth.
Crumbly slobber.
Perfect..
roesebud, cherub
lips on mine.
Heaven..
for a short time.
For All Of My Babies
Love, Your Momma
1998
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I plan to specifically choose books that confront issues that a lot of us would rather not, mainly because the truth is that the image of the blissfully pregnant woman just isn't the case for many in this world, and the repurcussions are too far reaching to ignore or stick our heads under the sand. I was very lucky, because I had the resouces available to make the only choice that I could have lived with. (some days that choice isn't so easy to live with!) But I often think about the women who can't - or don't.
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*Can
You Wave Bye Bye Baby*
- I
haven't read this one, but it caught my eye on my bookclub. It gives
the perspective of adoption through several short stories. I don't
get the impression that it is candy coated fluff, but something that
could add a different view and maybe help us to vent a few of our own
feelings and musings. The writing style has gotten a few thumbs down,
but great reviews all around for content. I never seriously
considered adoption, but still would have liked to have read this one
I think, if for nothing more than to
satisfy a morbid curiosity of *What if?*.
If you read it, I'd love to hear what you think.
*How
To Raise A Healthy Child* I've
got this one on order for my Nutritional Consultants
course. It's got great reviews so I thought I'd list it. I'll be
adding more about holistic pediatric care in the future.
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