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Illness can put a lot of stress on families, especially when it's something that is ongoing or incurable.
A lot of negative feelings come into play in the family unit: accusing, anger, anguish, annoyance, anxiety, apathy, bewilderment, bitterness, confusion, defensiveness, defiance, dejection, denial, dependance, depression, feeling deprived, despondence, disappointment, disbelief, discouragement, disgust, disheartenment, distance, distress, distrust, feelings of failure, of being frightened, frustrated, grieving, grouchy, guilty, helpless, hurt, impassive, impatient, feeling inadequate, infuriated, insecure, irritated, jealous, judged / judging, lonely, losing control, feeling martyred, misunderstood, obnoxious, overprotective, overwhelmed, panicy, pityiful, puzzled, resentful, responsibile, harboring secrecy, self-blame, self-denial, self-doubt, self-pity, feeling shy, submissive, tense, threatened, timid, uneasy, unhappy, upset, useless, worried, feelings of wounded pride.
For Men, a wife or child who is ill often reflects as an inadequacy on their part. Men are fixers, and here is something beyond their ability to fix. Men also have a need to feel in control, and this is something they have no control over. This can cause them to feel fearful, inadequate, overwhelmed, as well as guilty in the failing of the primal responsibility to protect the family. This fear often translates into anger, irritability, frustration, resentment, and impatience. And if it's an invisible illness (i.e. Fibro), add judging, accusations, and annoyance.
The Women in a family with an ill member may become overprotective, anxious, bitter, irritable, or be in denial. They may focus on the sufferer, neglecting other family members, which illicits disharmony in the family, and jealousy towards the ill member. They may suffer from the "martyr complex", denying themselves everything, but being resentful of this perceived "duty", or they may become domineering (usually stemming from the fear of things being out of control).
Children of an ill family member may try to compensate by taking on that person's responsibilities, their personalities may change (sometimes drastically), they may become introverted, or begin to act out, and some may suffer from depression.
A family unit with an illness in it, often becomes an ill family.
Communication becomes paramountly important, and yet becomes totally broken down because of the change, and the incurring stressful circumstances.
A lot of judging and blaming goes on, fuses become short, and tempers may blow easily. Everyone feels hurt, afraid, and often overwhelmed by the situation.
Often when we need to listen to each other the most, is when we listen to each other the least. Feelings are high, and it's human to take the feelings of others personally and become defensive. This is because those we love are the ones whose opinions matter the most to us, so they are the ones who can so easily hurt us.
As anger is often the emotion that springs up most, it is important to develop the ability to see things from the other family members' perspectives. Listening without taking it personally is not an easy skill to cultivate, but it can be learned, if practiced.
Next time tempers flare --- Don't Get Angry, Get Visual --- It's hard to be angry with someone if you are truly looking out through their eyes.
A well-trained, reliable family councilor may be helpful. Grief training may also be in order (when someone loses their health, it causes grief in that person, and in the people around them --- loss is loss). Support groups are an excellent way of helping people cope with the frightening situation of illness. The drawback is that support groups often forget the families of the sufferers, especially the children.
Change is frightening, especially when it is a parent who is ill. This destroys a child's sense of security, changes the way they view their parents, and their lives. It is especially difficult if they are left uninformed. Children sense secrecy, and this only stimulates more fear in them. It is best to inform them about the illness. To explain to them how things may change, and why.
Roles will certainly change, and this is growth, as long as the burdens are not resting on one person's shoulders alone. Children adapt to change more easily than adults, especially when they are informed of the reasons behind the changes. Their self-esteem grows when they pitch in, it enhances their sense of self-worth and accomplishment (if these accomplishments are acknowledged).
Also, children and adults alike must be allowed to express their concerns and feelings, without fear of judgement, rejection, or being ignored.
It is important that family members realize the limitations of the sufferer, and that limitations are not inadequacies. Limitations are not failures. They are roads to self-discovery, sharing, and lead to successes we would not otherwise experience.
It is important that the family learn that illness can have some positive aspects, if worked at. It can bring families closer together, with the right attitude.
Some hints that may be helpful:
*when planning family events (weddings, birthdays, outings), keep it simple, make these times for memory-making, not traditional trappings that only add to stress levels
*share chores
*share joys and sorrows
*learn to listen (try using 'mirroring': repeating back what is said to be sure you are understanding the other person - often listening is done from our own point of view instead of the speaker's)
*learn to say "no" (without guilt)
*learn to praise and reward as deserved
*put family first
*set priorities (the dishes will keep, health and family won't)
*openly listen, without anger or judgement
*accept invitations, but explain your limitations (i.e. that you may have to cancel due to health, or that the ill person may not be able to actively participate in events). You will find most people accept this.
*join support groups (family-oriented ones are not easy to find, but several will allow couples)
*if family support groups are unavailable, start one with a few families in the same situation and children roughly the same age. (this is a good way for children to find the support they need, sharing what they are going through with other kids going through the same things. This is also a good way to share / find out what has worked for others and yourselves.)
The 10 Commandments of Unconditional Love
1. Thou shalt learn to be quiet and listen
2. Thou shalt learn to see through others' eyes
3. Thou shalt take responsibility for your own actions
4. Thou shalt learn patience
5. Thou shalt share all things: labor, love, laughter, and tears
6. Thou shalt change, for change is growth, and stagnancy destroys
7. Thou shalt admit to all errors and say "I'm sorry"
8. Thou shalt love Thyself --- for no love can spring from a place of dislike, disbelief, or hate
9. Thou shalt praise when it is due, knowing that nothing is too small for praise
10. Thou shalt always say "please", "thank-you", "you're welcome", and "I love you"
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