The Origin of the Cereals

."Only the fittest of cereals will survive the process of Natural Selection"

The Origin of the Cereals

Since the dawn of time, man has pondered the greatest of all questions. The philosophers of modern and ancient times have spent endless days and sleepless nights in deep thought. They asked: "Why does cereal exist? Where did cereal come from? What does it all mean? Why can't I find a real job?" Unable to find the answer, many of them were bitter and resentful of the world, and became school teachers. We are left with several views on the origin and purpose of cereal. I have made an effort to show the condensed views below:

The Philosophical View

Why does cereal exist? Is it but a food to eat for breakfast, or is it something more? Does cereal not represent an idea? Something intangible, that cannot be touched yet something that can be consumed. Does cereal have some grand purpose, that it is constantly reshelved whenever supply runs out? Does cereal serve to nourish the mind and soul, as well as the body? When does my next welfare check come in the mail? Umm...Where was I? Oh yes... Can cereal exist without milk? Can milk exist without cereal? Does one create the other, or do milk and cereal mutually create each other? In the end, we are left with one important question: Why does cereal exist?

The Biologist's View

On a molecular level, cereal is composed of carbohydrates and proteins of numerous plant life. It is this diversity which accounts for the many variations of cereals observed today. There is overwhelming evidence that all of the cereals in the world today are descended from one common ancestor. This statement is made based on observations of conserved characteristics, such as the packaging of cereal in a box, and its affinity towards milk. Some suspect that oatmeal may be a distant evolutionary relation to cereal, since it is also packaged in a box, and has an affinity towards milk. The divergence of oatmeal from the evolutionary tree of cereal may be due to selective pressures to survive in a hot environment which did not require oatmeal to actually taste good.

The Physicist's View

The formation of cereal is preceded by the creation of the universe. Within the first moments of the Big Bang, the protons and electrons that would eventually form the atoms and molecules of cereal were created. Many experiments have been performed to study cereal at the subatomic level. This included placing bowls of cereal into giant supercolliders. We had to send a physicist to hospital to have that metal spoon taken out of his chest, but fortunately he will make a full recovery. (Mental Note: Next time, we use plastic spoons.) Cereal has been bombarded by gamma rays, subjected to electromagnetic radiation, placed in wind tunnels, and exposed to new country music of extended periods of time. The analysis of this data have yielded in the following formula: cereal = cereal

The Religious View

In the beginning, there was a bowl. And then there was dry cereal. God saw that this was good and said: "Let there be milk." Then flowed a great stream of milk, and it flowed into the bowl. Thus when milk met dry cereal, was the first bowl of cereal divinely made. We are not to question the judgement of God, for God is infinitely wise. And whatever God's intent when creating cereal, we know that it was good and just.

The Political View

We deny any knowledge of cereal, whatsoever. There is no cover-up, and we have nothing to hide! We are not legally responsible for the actions of this cereal, and we did not create cereal as part of a military project. In fact, we completely deny that cereal exists altogether! We have no further comment on this issue. This matter is closed!

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