Mornings
Work
Dreams
Life and death
Success
Love, Sex and drugs
It's almost Knowledge
Stuff you'd rather not think about/Stuff you wish you knew before
The stuff you REALLY didn't care to know
Work in general
These are our leaders?
Calvin and Hobbes quotes
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Quotations Page 1
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Poetry and Quotes page
Most of these are from Gene Perret's book: Hilarious one liners
Waking Up
You should see the way my wife looks in the morning. She ran after the garbage man and said, "Am I too late for the garbage?" He said, "No, jump in." - Henry Youngman
Nowadays I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby - it's just that I'm sick of morning." - Phyllis Diller
There's no such thing as a good morning. They all begin with waking up.
My uncle invented a coffee that makes you see double. If it keeps you up at night, you'll have company.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the record skipped. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. - Steven Wright
Some people hate waking up and getting out of bed. I enjoy it. I do it three of four times a day.
There are 24 hours in a day. Do you realize if there were 24 hours and 15 minutes we could all get enough sleep?
I hate to get up in the morning. I like to climb into my water bed and stay there as long as the water does.
My wife said I can have breakfast in bed anytime I want it. All I have to do is sleep in the kitchen.
The early bird would never catch the worm if the dumb worm slept late. - Milton Berle
At my house I enjoy breakfast the most. At the other meals I'm awake enough to know what the food is.
I think if I have a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day. I think that until about lunchtime.
Work
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. - Robert Benchley
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" - Will Rogers
He's a real workaholic. You mention work, he gets drunk. - Rodney Dangerfield
My brother-in-law worked in a winery stepping on grapes. He got fired one day when they caught him sitting down on the job. - Henry Youngman
Some experts claim work can be fun if you make a game of it. So I did - hide and seek... I don't show up at the office and they have to come find me.
The 24-hour day works out perfectly. We get 8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for work, and 8 hours to complain about too much work and not enough sleep.
I used to be a translator for bad mimes. - Steven Wright
Dreams
My aunt said to her husband, "Max, last night I dreamed you bought me a fur coat." Her husband said, "In your next dream, wear it in good health." - Henry Youngman
I dreamed I was stuck on a deserted island with three gorgeous women. The sad part was, I was a palm tree.
I think I watch too much television. Last night, my dreams kept being interrupted for commercials.
My spouse snores so loudly, the people in my dreams complain that they can't hear one another talk.
My husband says, "How can you prove that I snore so loudly?" I say, "Look, those windows weren't broken when we went to bed last night."
Some scientists say a tennis ball sewn into the back of the pajamas can stop snoring. I'd rather just whack the snorer on the head with the racket.
Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia. He's trying to sleep it off. - Chico Marx
The doctor says I might have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
Uncle: I've got amnesia so bad I haven't slept in 5 weeks.
Me: No, Uncle. Insomnia is when you can't sleep.
Uncle: Oh, I can sleep. I just keep forgetting to.
I think I might be getting over my insomnia. The other day my foot fell asleep.
I've had insomnia for 7 weeks and finally last night I fell asleep. My wife woke me up to tell me the good news.
Technology
Progress sometimes means that we just have a faster way of doing something that was never necessary in the first place.
Progress means just when we can afford something, they make a new and better one that we can't.
Cars can now go five times as fast as they used to, but there are twenty times more of them, so, it takes twice as long to get there.
Because of progress we all now own a toaster where the bread pops up when it's burnt.
The Concorde travels at twice the speed of sound, which is fun, except that you can't hear the movie until 2 hours after you land. - Howie Mandel
America is angry that we lost our technological edge. But we're not a scientific country anymore; think about it: We couldn't even go metric. - Bill Maher
With today's technology, flying is much faster. To give you an idea of how fast we traveled: When we left we had twi rabbits, and when we got there, we still had only two. - Bob Hope
With computers we can now do a full-day's work in 1 hour. Of course, it takes us 7 hours to figure out what we did.
My computer was acting strangely, but the repairman figured out what the problems was. He said there was a nut loose at the keyboard.
With the computer I still do dumb things, but now I can list them in either alphabetical or chronological order.
Life and death
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
"Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right." - Anon
"You don't have to worry about me. I might have been born yesterday.. but i stayed up all night." - Anon
"Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of." - Agnes' Law
"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely." - Anon
Success
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields
If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"
"success always occurs in private, and failure in full view"
"If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average." - Leonard Levinson
"There are two rules for success...
Love, Sex, and drugs
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
answer.
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
It's almost Knowledge
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3
friends. If they're OK, you're it.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
"My experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't know anything at all." - Oscar Wilde
"A road map always tells you everything except how to refold it." - Anon
"Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it." - Robert Frost
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?"
"Your manuscript is both good and original; the trouble is that the good parts are not original, and the original parts are not good." - Johnson
"The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it."
If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
"You can't have everything... where would you put it?" - Steven Wright
Stuff you'd rather not think about/Stuff you wish you knew before
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he can think.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
"Being a computer means never having to say you're sorry." - Anon
Whining is anger through a small opening." - Stuart Smalley
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature." - Stuart Wright
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you." - Anon
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's
easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid,
too.
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney
The things you REALLY didn't care to know
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds
Work in general
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.
No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart." - Jerome K. Jerome
"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Anon
These are our leaders?
"I have a simple philosophy: fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches." - A.R. Longfellow
"Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it." - Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle
"If we are all worms, I do believe that I am a glow-worm." - Winston Churchill
"I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on." - Beryl Pfizer
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans." - Ronald Reagan
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them." - Harry S. Truman
"The longer the title, the less important the job." - George McGovern
"Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big." - George Carlin
Calvin and Hobbes quotes:
"If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway."
"you know you'll hate something when they won't tell you what it is."
"I'm not in denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
"Homework, I command thee, BE DONE!"
"'I've been thinking, Hobbes.'
"I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life... Procrastinating and rationalizing."
"I liked things better when I didn't understand them."
"I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information!"
1) Never tell everything you know." - Roger H. Lincoln
'On a weekend?'
'Well, it wasn't on purpose...'"
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