Scene 7
In one, VASILY dashes
on from the right with MARIANNE on his heels.
MARIANNE
Why didn't you tell me you
could walk all along?
VASILY
Because I believe "ask not
what you can do for the monarchy, but what the monarchy can do for you."
MARIANNE
Yeah? Well, I got news for
you. I'm not a monarchy.
VASILY
Tell me another.
MARIANNE
I'm a maid. So ram that up
your inner child's ass.
(VASILY stops
dead in his tracks, turns to her.)
The real Princess Maritza
had me take her place, because she's a dyke.
VASILY
Please don't use that expression.
I find it offensive.
MARIANNE
Well, that's what she is.
And she has the hots for this gypsy girl.
VASILY
And don't use that expression
either.
MARIANNE
What's wrong with "hots"?
VASILY
I'm not talking about "hots".
I'm talking about "gypsy girl".
MARIANNE
Whoever she is, she keeps
singing this dumb song about why God has chosen her instead of someone
else…
VASILY
Angelu?
MARIANNE
Okay. She's not a gypsy girl.
She's an angelu. And the Princess is creaming her jeans to meet her.
VASILY
How dare you lie to me!
(TWO KIELBASIAN GUARDS
rush on. VASILY sees them and runs for his life followed by MARIANNE.)
FIRST GUARD
Stop that gypsy! He just
stabbed Ambassador Schlumperdink!
(Backdrop rises,
and we are once more in the gypsy camp. ANGELU is still dancing around
Maritza, but NIKKO is exhausted and has dropped to the ground. Each time
Angelu gets closer to Maritza, the latter frowns and moves away. At last
ANGELU abruptly stops.)
ANGELU
What's the matter with you?
MARITZA
It's okay if I go after someone,
but if someone goes after me, I hyperventilate.
(noticing Nikko's
disinterest)
You're beginning to look
not so bad.
(GYPSIES enter from
upstage right carrying books.)
STEFANA
Looky here! I got a mint
edition of Issac Walton.
(BETAMO stops, seeing
Maritza.)
BETAMO
Hey, who's the new boy in
camp?
ANGELU
He's mine.
MARITZA
I'm no one's. Except Montavia's.
BETAMO
You gotta wrestle me.
NIKKO
Hold on there, big guy! You're
three times his size. If he wrestles anyone, it's gonna be me.
BETAMO
Yeah? You'd better get outa
that drag outfit first.
MARITZA
You think I'm afraid of this
big smelly oaf?
BETAMO
Who you calling a big smelly
oaf?
MARITZA
You, you big smelly oaf!
(An enraged BETAMO
charges at Maritza, but as HE approaches, she uses a few karate chops and
kicks and flattens him. GYPSIES watch in awe.)
NIKKO
Hey, you're something else!
(JOAKU tears on from
upstage right.)
JOAKU
Listen up, everyone! I just
heard that a Son of Freedom stabbed Ambassador Schlumperdink of Kielbasa!
STEFANA
When?
JOAKU
This afternoon. They were
having some peace treaty luncheon.
MARITZA
WHAT???!!!
JOAKU
Didn't I predict something
like this?
STEFANA
No. You predicted a 9.6 earthquake
in Los Angeles.
JOAKU
Well, I did predict
a disaster. And this can mean war.
MARITZA
You bet your ass it can!
Where was that stupid bitch? Oh, there's that stupid bitch!
(MARIANNE and VASILY
hurry on from downstage left.)
STEFANA
Did you hear the news, Vasily?
A Son of Freedom stabbed the Kielbasian ambassador this afternoon in the
Ratskellar.
VASILY
You don't say.
MARIANNE
You're looking at him.
JOAKU
Vasily stabbed the Kielbasian
ambassador in the Ratskellar?
VASILY
No, in his little fat gut.
MARITZA
You!!! You idiot!
(SHE marches to him
and slaps him hard across the face.)
VASILY
Look here, you little prick.
I'm fucking sick of being slapped around.
(HE draws back his
fist.)
MARIANNE
Your highness!!!
VASILY
This is the dyke?
MARITZA
Can't you ever keep your
mouth shut!
MARIANNE
No…I mean, yes, your highness.
JOAKU
Highness?
ANGELU
Highness!
(MARITZA pulls off
her hat and lets her hair down.)
NIKKO
Shit. She's a girl.
MARITZA
Okay. I'm the Princess Maritza.
Anyone wanna make something of it?
GYPSIES
BOO!!! HISS!!!
MARITZA
Nice to know your subjects
adore you. Now I want the truth about what happened in Kielbasa. I send
you on a peace mission, and it turns into Armageddon.
MARIANNE
It wasn't my fault!
VASILY
It wasn't my fault, either!
MARIANNE
Wasn't your fault! Of course
it was your fault!
VASILY
You were the one who
would not let me pass,
You were the one to annoy
and harass,
Ripping my shirt and
squeezing my ass---
It's all your fault and
not mine.
MARIANNE
You are the culprit,
who should make amends,
You are the one, who
repels and offends,
What is a squeeze or
two among friends?
It's all your fault and
not mine.
VASILY
You were the one, who
did the grabbing,
MARIANNE
You were the one, who
did the stabbing!
MARITZA
Both of you stop this
stupid crabbing!
It's obviously both of
your faults.
MARIANNE
I like that!
You were the despot,
who said what to do,
Go to Kielbasa pretend
that I'm you,
So you could screw a
gypsy or two;
It's all your fault and
not ours.
MARITZA
You insubordinate little
nymphomaniac!
Never imagined that
you'd run amuck,
Never imagined you'd
pick up this schmuck,
Sacrifice country just
for a fuck---
It's all your fault and
not mine.
MARIANNE
You were the one who
told me do it!
MARITZA
You were the one who
went and blew it!
NIKKO
Ladies, it's simply
how you view it---
It's obviously nobody's
fault.
MARITZA
Go stuff it! Mind your own
fucking business.
NIKKO
But I'm afraid it is my business.
(HE leads her
downstage left. Spotlight falls on the two of them.)
You see, I'm not really a
Son of Freedom. I am a journalist for the Associated Press.
MARITZA
An American?
NIKKO
Why do you say it like that?
MARITZA
Because your country has
done nothing but stick their noses in the affairs of every country in Europe.
NIKKO
Don't you realize that this
is not my country or your country, or some gypsy and some
ambassador, but it is much greater than that. It is the Unilateral Commission.
MARITZA
The what?!
NIKKO
That secret society made
up of the most powerful men in the world. Sometimes they are called SPECTOR
and sometimes SMIRCH. But whatever they are called, they have two essential
purposes: to annihilate all minorities and to corner the international
drug trade.
MARITZA
Then General Shuckendorf
is…
NIKKO
No. He's just a drugged pawn
for the Schlumperdink brothers.
MARITZA
The Schlumperdink brothers?
Those cute little twins who bicker all the time?
NIKKO
Those cute little twins who
bicker all the time happen to be two of the most evil pedophiles in Europe.
They also run a kiddie porno ring.
MARITZA
Then if one of the Schlumperdink
brothers has been stabbed, it can only mean…
(Spotlight is replaced
by ominous flashes of lightening. The sound of cannon shells pierces the
stage. GYPSIES rush wildly from left to right and right to left shouting
"WAR! WAR!" VASILY calls them to attention.)
VASILY
Brothers!
Sisters! Now is the time we must show these assholes what we're made
of! There's a cache of weapons stored away on the far side
of the lake.
TAPIA
I didn't know that.
VASILY
Got them wholesale in Dusseldorf.
MARIANNE
For a non-violent person,
he's too much!
VASILY
Come, my friends, let us
away!
MARIANNE
Can I come, too?
MARITZA
Marianne!
MARIANNE
I want to go. I want to be
part of something.
MARITZA
You want to be part of his
cock, that's what you want to be part of. You think this passing
fling is going to last, you silly nymphomaniac? What will your future be?
Reading palms and stealing books. That doesn't pay you enough to buy even
half a riding crop let alone a whole leather outfit.
MARIANNE
But…oh, dear…
(reluctantly)
Goodbye, Vasily.
VASILY
Goodbye, Marianne. It's certainly
been an experience.
MARIANNE
Hasn't it ever.
(THEY kiss. ALL, except
NIKKO, MARITZA and MARIANNE exit upstage left.)
NIKKO
I needn't offer to see you
back to the palace. You seem to be able to take care of yourself.
MARITZA
You know something? You look
awfully good in drag.
NIKKO
So do you. Would you do me
one favor? Would you put your hair back under your cap?
(MARITZA complies.
NIKKO takes a long look at her, then kisses her passionately.)
NIKKO
Blame it on the dawn,
This strange and queasy
feeling…
MARITZA
Blame it on the dawn…
You're paralyzed, but
reeling.
TOGETHER
Blame it on the dawn
For someone to devour,
Lying on the lawn,
Relinquishing all power.
(But their song is
drowned out by the roar of the cannons.)
LIGHTS DIM
