A Dreamer Lost

Some may ask, why am I making this page? I have plenty of other homepages. But that's the problem. They're all... Dull. Nobody wants to see pictures of how cuuute I was at 5 and then of how I turned unattractive at 6 and how that unattractiveness has stayed with me for the past 10 years. Yeah I need confidence, shut up, I know. And the homepages don't say much about me as a person. They show the wacky humorous side that makes all of my friends double over in laughter. But behind that is like a mystery to them, and to me. Behind that, I'm just a dreamer lost in a whirl of uncomforted pain and distrust. I choose to not be comforted sometimes I guess. I probably won't be giving this URL to too many people. All of my friends who made similar pages said "I'm only gonna give this URL to people who mean a lot to me in my life"... I'm not doing that. If it's avoidable, I will try to NOT give this URL to people who mean a lot to me in my life. Why, you ask? Elementary, my dear sympathizer. I'll be putting up things that depress me. I'll be baring my soul. I'll be telling what I really think and feel. And the last thing I want is for someone I really love to come here and read that sometimes I think that I don't mean as much to them as they mean to me. Because then they feel bad because I think they don't care about me as much as I care about them, and then they feel worse because I didn't feel like I could tell them that, and then they feel REALLY bad when they realize that they can't do anything to help me right now. I tell my friends that I feel like shit, and that brings them down from any good mood they were in. I hate doing that. Cuz then it makes ME feel bad for making THEM feel bad just because I feel bad. It throws me down a shame spiral and I can't quite get myself back up. I just want to get my feelings out where my loved ones won't read it. I don't want to trust my heart to strangers, but I don't want to burden my loved ones with pain that I hafta work through on my own. And it doesn't do me any good to be helped out by the sincere anyway, because they help me, they cheer me up, and then something happens... Maybe something at school, maybe another letdown when it comes to finding a job, maybe something I read on a friend's homepage makes me feel like I don't rank as high with them as they do with me. And then I'm back to the same old "I'm unloved and worthless" mentality. And THAT is a really sucky mentality to be in. Technically, I shouldn't feel like that.

Which is why I decided to not make this such a depressing place. I figure that as soon as I get my journal and tears pages underway, I'll tell my close friends about the page.

Okay. Enough for my opening monologue. What's in store for you? Well how about this lovely Dreamer graphic to decorate your homepage?

It's a heartfelt statement. But please, save the graphic to your hard drive and then upload it to your own webspace, but you're welcome to link it to http://geocities.datacellar.net/Paris/Lights/9180/

But now, I think it's about time I post my thoughts and feelings. If these links don't work, and you actually CARE if they don't work, just have patience... This is, of course, under construction...

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As if all this other stuff wasn't strange enough, I'm also going to be giving you a way to download some of my original backgrounds... Just stick around... This place actually might get decent.