Yearn : Verb; To have a strong, often melancholy desire.

March 28th, 1999

And speaking of yearning... I yearn to... what... I yearn to know what I'm doing. That's what I yearn for. I don't know what I'm doing or who I'll be doing it with. God grant me patience, BUT HURRY UP!

September 17th

Another yearn... I seriously am yearning to be this skinny, petite little girl who all the guys adore... I figured it out... It doesn't matter what you look like, if you're really skinny guys will flock to you just because you're really skinny. You don't hafta be otherwise attractive if you're in Arkansas. Just be unhealthily "slender" and guys will come a-running. But then you have people like me... And I have never been asked out by any guy at my school. It pisses me off... I just wanna be pursued, every other halfway attractive girl is getting a million puppy dogs, do I really look THAT bad?!?

September 5th

What would a girl like me yearn for? And why? I'm just a little suburbanite. And a pretty spoiled one at that. But I do yearn. And I feel somehow incomplete. Dad came into the computer room the other night and told me that people who spend more than an hour a week on the internet are more prone to be depressed because they're not in contact with people. I thought about that for a while. I figured "I would be a lot more depressed if I DIDN'T get on the internet"... and then a few minutes ago, it hit me. The reason studies show large numbers of people prone to depression on the internet is because people like me and like many of my best internet friends are depressed people, and we feel more comfortable talking to people who CAN'T see us instead of talking to people that WON'T see us... But what do I yearn for? I yearn for acceptance from people I can see and touch. I yearn for a social life. That may sound petty, but I yearn to be accepted by my peers. And I yearn to know what it feels like to be too skinny. And I yearn to know what it feels like to be pursued by guys that AREN'T on the internet. And I yearn to know what it feels like to be approached in real life and told something like "You're so beautiful, would you go to the movies with me this weekend?"... I have a boyfriend, don't get me wrong, I just want to be asked out. I want (yearn) to be found attractive by someone who knows me in person. And I yearn to not be so self-conscious that I reject the beautiful people before they can even open their mouths to say something to me. I make snap judgements because someone is beautiful and popular, and I assume that they're stupid, mean people. I guess to make myself feel like I'm rejected for my INTELLIGENCE... I don't actually know if or why I'm even rejected. I just know I don't feel comfortable in large groups. Maybe I'm the one who rejects THEM. I just want to hang out with someone on occaision and be given attention and have doors opened for me... I wish I could feel accepted at all right now. Don't get me wrong, I love each and every one of my internet friends with all my heart, but I just wish I had friends as good as them IRL... There are so many happy people in real life... So many cliques of friends writing notes to each other... So many guys being puppy dogs to the petite little cuties... And what do I get? Nada.

Perhaps I should stop whining about this for a while...

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