During WW II, an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - I have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant!"

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

The conversation turned to sex and the Lieutenant stated that making love to your wife is 10% work and 90% fun.

The Major disagreed and stated that he believed making love to your wife is 40% work and 60% fun.

The Colonel then stated that they were both wrong and that the ratio is 80% work and 20% fun.

They decided to put the matter to a young Sergeant. "Well, Sir," he began, "I think you are all dead wrong. It must be 100% fun."

"Why do you say that?", asked the General.

"Because," answered the young sergeant, "if it involved any work at all, you'd assign an enlisted person to do it for you."

One evening a terrible train crash resulted in the deaths of the Pope, Mother Theresa, and a U.S. Airman. All three arrived rather disoriented at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter was sitting behind his station as the Pope insisted that Mother Theresa approach first, she complied.

St. Peter greeted Mother Theresa and she asked for admission to the Holy Kingdom. St. Peter indicated that it wouldn't be much of a problem, but formalities and all required that he first examine the great book. He opened it to the appointed page, ran his finger down the line, and suddenly looked quite concerned. He said, "Sister, it says right here under 'sins and transgressions' that on one occasion you received $5,000 from a charity to go to some orphans. It also says that while you did not profit from the money yourself, you diverted $2,000 to feed the hungry in New Deli. Is that true?". She bowed her head and said it was so. St. Peter announced that while she hadn't gained unjust enrichment, she must first pay her penance for not following the giver's intent and sent her to Purgatory for 6 weeks.

The Pope stepped forward and St. Peter repeated the procedure. The Pope also had problems in that when he was a young priest, he had used the Bishop's limousine and when asked, although he did not lie, he didn't admit. Likewise, he would have to spend 8 weeks in Purgatory before entry into the eternal kingdom.

The Airman, seeing this, picked up his duffel bag and headed for the doorway marked "Hell".

St. Peter stopped him and said, "where do you think you're going?"

The Airman said, "If the Pope and Mother Theresa can't get in here, what chance do I have?"

St. Peter said that all must comply with the entry requirements, including him.

The Airman, trained to obey orders, stepped forward and St. Peter checked the great book.

Muttering to himself, he turned back and retrieved a second, larger book, and line by line began shaking his head as he went down the huge list of misdeeds. As he got to the end of the huge book, he slammed it shut, and said "Oh well, you may enter".

The Airman was dumbfounded and asked what this meant, given all his sins and transgressions.

St. Peter looked and him and said, "You know the rules, what goes TDY, stays TDY."

The boy replies, "I'm making an NCO!"

The Major begins laughing when a Colonel approaches him and asks what is so funny.

The Major points to the boy and starts laughing Hysterically.

The Colonel then asks the boy what he is doing.

The boy replies, "I'm making an NCO!"

The Major, and the Colonel are now laughing when a General approaches the two. They point to the boy and the General asks the boy what he is doing.

The boy agains replies, I'm making an NCO!"

All three officers are laughing when the Sergeant Major of the Army approaches and asks what is so funny. All three officers point to the boy laughing even harder than before when the Sergeant Major asks the boy what he is doing.

Again, the boy replies "I'm making an NCO!"

Now all three officers are laughing hysterically when the Sergeant Major asks the boy why is he making an NCO.

The boy replies, "Because I don't have enough shit to make an officer!"

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we're privates," protests Jasper.

"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates, " He points to his stripes. "But, we're sergeants now."

Actually like the clothes at the PX and don't mind that 100 other people are wearing exactly the same things.

• All your former very-best-friends are as long-gone as your last move.
• Always wish you were back at the last place you were stationed, even 20 years later.
• Answer the question, "Where are you from?" with "I'm kinda from all over the place."
• Are able to imitate others' speech patterns easily.
• Are amazed at people who have lived in the same place somewhere for longer than three years.
• Are amazed at people who have NEVER left their hometown!
• Are amazed at people who have never seen foreign currency.
• Are amazed at people who think Frankfurt is a some kind of hot dog.
• Are occasionally asked, "Where did you learn to speak English so well?"
• Are asked, "Is it hard always moving around when you don't know anything else?"
• Are brought to tears by military music.
• Are going to a grocery store but call it a commissary.
• Are initially confused when asked where are you from but quickly respond, "Everywhere!"
• At 22, you are trying to find someone in the military to marry so you can get a new ID card.
• Avoid visiting the doctor because you don't trust civilian hospitals.
• Bagged groceries at the commissary on payday.
• Can ask for a beer in most European languages.
• Can bounce a quarter off your bed sheets and have hospital corners on your bed.
• Can call up actual memories of the country you're studying in Geography class.
• Can identify ranks and duty station by the stickers on the car's bumper.
• Can not speak the language of the country in which you were born.
• Can recite all the AFRTS commercials along with the television.
• Can remember ordering a Big Mac, fries, and beer.
• Can still convert foreign currency in your head.
• Can talk to anyone and everyone from anywhere and everywhere.
• Cannot drink Budweiser without being coerced.
• Do not understand why many of your friends are afraid to be in an airplane.
• Don't feel quite right seeing military personnel younger than you.
• Don't really know how to answer the question, "What is your hometown?"
• Don't remember the names of your childhood friends.
• Draw a quick map of the world to show someone where you last lived.
• Ever got sick eating field rations chocolate.
• Every room you've ever had was stark white and you couldn't put nail holes in the walls.
• Civilian friends complain that your address is the most scratched out and re-entered in their address book.
• Everywhere you go, you think you see someone you went to school with.
• Expect someone else to do your housework but can't afford it.
• Feared turning 21 because they would take your ID card away.
• Feel like you should be visiting the States, rather than living in them.
• Feel more at home on a military base than in town even though you've been a civilian for 26 years.
• Feel more comfortable living near a military base, and get bummed out when a base gets closed.
• Felt like a part of the history that was happening around you.
• Find that you can easily amuse yourself for hours at airports, train or bus stations.
• Graduated from a high school you only attended for a year.
• Had your Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in a mess hall.
• Have a very best "lifelong" friend whom you have known for less than a few years.
• Have been asked just where in NY is APO.
• Have to explain that being born in Germany does not make you a German.
• Have forgotten how to speak more languages than most people ever learn.
• Have USAA as your insurance company.
• Know exactly how horrible AFN commercials are.
• Knew the rank and name of the kid next door's father before meeting the kid next door.
• Know kilometers better than miles, and Celsius better than Fahrenheit.
• Know that Radio Luxembourg was the number one way to keep up with the latest rock-and-roll hits.
• Know the words and tunes to military march songs.
• Know where the "Land of the Big PX" is.
• Know where the "Land of the Round Door Knobs" is.
• Left school frequently for bomb scares.
• Listened to Armed Forces and VOA radio for the first 10 years of your life.
• Miss shopping at AAFES or the PX.
• Most of your Scout camping equipment had US instead of BSA stamped on it.
• Munched on hot broetchen and gummies on the way to school.
• Name schools in three countries on two continents when asked what high school you attended.
• Never quite finished decorating your place because you knew you'd be moving soon.
• Notice Tom Cruise in uniform, outside with no hat, and having a non-regulation haircut in Top Gun.
• Panic when you can't find your ID or passport.
• Put your hand over your heart at 5 p.m. knowing the flag was coming down...somewhere.
• Realize that the latest fashion in the states is not the same clothes you bought on post.
• Remember being able to watch the Army-Navy Game, the Super Bowl or the World Series live on TV at 2 a.m.
• Stand up for the National Anthem at the start of a movie in a theater.
• Thought all pens had "US Government" printed on them.
• Thought that the quartermaster was the real Santa Claus.
• Thought "vacation" ALWAYS meant going Stateside to visit the grandparents.
• Try to take out your ID card when you enter a grocery store.
• Went into hysterics when your grandparents thought of selling their house.
• Wonder if Dad signed a hand receipt for you when you were born. You are confused when you fiancee talks about having watched trees grow large in front of his/her childhood house.
• You went on week-long field trips to England, France and Italy.
• You'd been to every Gasthaus in Germany before you were 18.
• Your SSN, home of record, state of residence, and place of birth are farfrom matching.
• Know "transfer" meant pack your bags, and say, "See ya later!"