Mooch's Diary 2000



Linus & Lucy

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1-1-00
Dear Diary,
Well, today is Y2K Day, and we haven't seen any big hungry bug yet... But Mom's Christmas cactus which was supposed to bloom on Christmas Day is blooming today. Maybe all those pretty flowers scared that ol' bug away!!
Mooch
1-5-00
Mom Loves Her New Scarf Mom with all her friends Dear Diary,
Today Mom went to dinner at that mostly vegetarian (yuck) restaurant with Aunt Dodie and Aunt Lilka and Aunt Poggi and Cousin Torrie and her friends Amy, Cyndi, and Kat. They all took Mom to eat because she is having another birthday - those old ladies will use any excuse to eat!!
Mooch
1-7-00
Dear Diary,
Today is Mom's birthday and she is even older this birthday than she was on the last one. Me and Fuzz just can't imagine ever being that old!! But we were so happy because instead of going to work today Mom took the day off and just stayed home with us Kitties!! We were so happy that Mom did that!
Mooch
1-8-00
What in the world is this thing??? Dear Diary,
Mom and Aunt Dodie went shopping today for a new chair for Mom to sit in at the computer. Mom bought socks, pants, a STAR TREK watch, a Brita water filtration pitcher, and an Étagerè. Whatever that is. But no chair. Mom opened that big old box and took out all the pieces of that Étagerè and tried to put it together. We sure would like to know what an Étagerè is. Well, I sure can't figure it out Then we would know if Mom is putting it together right. It looks like a kitty jungle gym. We can hardly wait. Then Mom and Aunt Dodie downloaded the software for another free internet service. Mom already has too many, but she felt she needed one more. As a backup. Mom thinks that everyone should have free internet service. She's such a freethinker! She even decided to make a list of links of all the free internet service providers that she has found. Mom worked and worked and worked on that strange contraption called an Étagerè. Then she had to stop and take Aunt Dodie home. We don't think she'll ever finish it and we'll never know what it is.
Mooch
1-11-00
Cousin Tiny Playing with OUR toys!! Dear Diary,
Me and Fuzz are soooooo mad at Mom again!! She knows what happened last time Cousin Tiny came over, and she let Aunt Lilka bring him over anyway!! Aunt Lilka said that they were doing an inspection (whatever that is) at her apartment and since she hasn't paid the pet deposit for Tiny yet, she needed to bring him to our house. Well!! We made Tiny stay in the bathroom all day and by the time Mom got home we were all mad! So Mom grabbed Tiny and all his silly toys he brought and took him to that weird store where Aunt Lilka works. It's a good thing they are pet-friendly there! Cousin Tiny is OK, he's just too crazy and drives me and Fuzz nuts when he is here! Maybe Cousin Tiny can come over again when he is big and lazy like a cat should be!!
Mooch
1-16-00
Dear Diary,
Mom went to this real fancy party tonight because her Boss is retiring. She got all dressed up in that lacey black dress that she hardly ever wears and off she went! She sure did look pretty for an old lady, and she had a lot of fun too.
Mooch
1-22-00
Dear Diary,
Today Mom gave me some water from that Brita pitcher she bought. I wasn't impressed, but she seems to like it for some reason.
Mooch
1-24-00
Dear Diary,
When Mom mentioned taking me to the "Vet" this morning I didn't take her seriously! She threatens to take me to the "Pound" all the time and she never does it, so why would this threat be any different?? Well I guess she really did mean it after all, and I was so mad at her! Just because I have been coughing and coughing so much - she knows I have Kitty Asthma! But she came home from work early and took me anyway. And, boy, was I humiliated!! I've seen Mom take her own temperature and she doesn't put the thermometer where they put mine!! OUCH!! And that shot!! OUCH!! I didn't like that Doctor very much - she was soooooo mean to me!! Why doesn't Fuzz have Asthma too?? He never gets to go th the "Vet"! It's not fair!! And now Mom thinks she is gonna give me pills, too?? We'll see about that!! But after the Vet we went to see Aunt Lilka at that weird store she works at. I was pretty excited 'cause it is another store that will let us kitties come in. Most stores are mean to us kitties and won't let us in. But I never did find where they keep the Kitty Food. Don't they sell anything besides books and knick-knacks and candles and incense and weird music?? That must be where Mom gets all that stuff!!
Mooch
 Instructions on how to give a cat a pill........
  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away....
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call someone to help.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get helper to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Royal Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get helper to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to helper's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check record for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get helper to drive you to the accident and emergency hospital. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on the way home to order new table.

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