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Top Ten Signs that You're an Old Fat Paddler:
10. The rivers were
bigger in your day!!!
9. "Cold? You don't know the meaning of the world "Cold"!!!
8. There's more hole than neoprene in your wetsuit
7. fifty boats on a trailer desgined for twenty? No problem!!!
6. Talk of Ace helmets makes you go all misty eyed
5. You like a paddle a "comfy" boat - like a Corsica, or a T-Canyon, or sofa and
a nice cup of tea
4. "Kober Allzwecks - now you're talking about proper paddlers"
3. When you first ran this river, the kids doing it with you now were still in nappies
2. You remember watching that episode of Baywatch where Mitch capsized a baddie in a kayak
and, all underwater, got him out of the boat, got the spraydeck off the baddie, put it on
himself, adjusted the footrests, got into the boat, put the deck on, got his paddles and
rolled, all without getting his hair wet and spent the next pool session proving that you
could do it too - and you could, by eck!
1. In your day Rotobats were the premier playboat!!!
Mitch (14), capsizing baddies, yesterday
In My Day...
10. the rivers were so hard they flowed uphill
9. when you hit a rock you spent the next weekend fixing your canoe
8. a mouthful of air passed as a bouyancy
7. car drops? me arse, ever tried hitching with an 18 foot canoe?
6. ropes still had clothes pegs on them
5. the river hadn't finished eroding the gorge so you just slammed into a wall of rock at
the end
4. chase boating consisted of a net accross the end of the river
3. you could fit into a boat without having to go side saddle
2. It rained proper like the night before a paddle, except when you went surfing, 'cos
there'd be a lovely depression and a nice offshore, but not straight in your face, mind
1. we had shuttle-oxen
And it were Luxury!!!
Shuttle bunnies, in my day, pure luxury!!!
Top Ten Excuses to get out of Paddling
10. Nah, there’s not enough
water, I only get on when it’s at full flood stage
9. Brrrrr, it’s much too cold, but it’s nice and cozy here in my sleeping bag
8. Well, someone has to take the photographs
7. I had a bad experience on this river back in ’92 (1792 that is)
6. I have to wash my car (real paddlers don’t have cars, just friends who do)
5. I have to wash my hair (see brackets above)
4. I’m not spending my day doing silly tailsquirts on some eddyline
3. No-one to watch me = not worth it
2. I haven’t taken my gear out of it’s drybag in two years and, frankly, if I
open it now I’m worried I may be tried for crimes against humanity for unleashing
biological weapons. It’s a clear breach of the SALT 2 treaty. (Try it, it works for
me!)
1. My arse won’t fit in any of these f**king play boats !!!
Wetsuit escapes drybag shocker, yesterday
1. always paddling something too big to do fancy shit so you won't be shown up
2. wear a pair of crusty the clown shoes showing that you couldn't possibly fit into anything modern
3. always bring out beginners so that you can excuse yourself and do easy stuff
4. always bring your climbing rack to the river and people will think that you're only a casual paddler and hence quite good really
5. always bring you boat to the crag and people will think that you're only a casual climber and hence quite good really considering
6. pad out your boat beyond belief and glue anything that could be adjusted into place. This will A. prevent anyone from borrowing your boat and doing better stuff than you and B. excuse you from using any boat that you might be expected to perform in.
7. when faced with grade 4+ and with no beginners and you have to paddle, go first. The first person is always allowed to take the chicken shoot as they were brave enough to run it first
8. if you are far enough ahead when you do swim you can either self rescue and make it look like you didn't swim, or else make up an outrageous story about how you swam, rescuing a stranded bambi on a log mid stream etc.
9. Rule 1 should be applied to all items of equipment: crap paddles that prevent you getting on waves, paddling back upstream to help etc. huge buoyancy the restricts movement, vision and breathing so as to excuse you from trying anything "dynamic", leaky weak deck with which you can establish a history of popping, perfect excuse for a swim, helmet that restricts vision and hearing, you'll just be expected to help out
10. If you do happen to be on a river where you are the best, ignore rules 1 - 9 and give it loads.
Rescue victim Bambi (3), Yesterday
Does it seem to you that boatnames are getting sillier and sillier and also more bloodthirsty, I mean: The Medieval, Attak, Blade, Vertigo, what's with this stuff? Here's a few suggestions for the more gung-ho paddlers:
10. The Procrastinator
9. The Defribulator
8. The GI Joe (with rubber "grip" hands and eagle eyes)
7. The (anal) Probe - a squirt boat
6. The psychotic axe wielding serial murderer (kinda catchy, huh?)
5. The prosthetic
4. The flaming ninja paddling machine from hell
3. The suicide
2. The H2-Wooaah!!!
1. The eddy-que skipper
Ahhh for the days of the Dancer and the Mirage, when boatnames were gentle and kind. Here are some suggestions to herald back the golden era of old fat paddling:
10. The big, big boat
9. The eidilweiss
8. The hangover
7. The portager
6. The Hibernia
5. The (boy) scout
4. The Felicity
3. The sofa
2. The three piece suite (luxury version of 3.)
1. The rotobat!
