PART I

 

Saalokya Mukti

 

"When you submit everything without leaving behind anything, you become one of the citizens of the city of Moksha (Liberation). You get every right to go around every nook and corner of that city. This state of spirituality is called Saalokya Mukti (Liberation).

Worship, with fixity of consciousness and purity of feeling and free from all extraneous thought, becomes itself Bhava Samadhi. As a result of this Bhava Samadhi, the Lord appears before the inner eye of the devotee, in the form which he has chosen for worship. The vision is not a matter of imagination. Without difference of location, he can abide in the presence of the Lord, in the self-same place. This is called "Saalokya Mukti".

____ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

   ‘Prema Vahini’

"A good family is an example of a good university"

           ___ Poet Bharathi Dasan

By the grace of my Guru (Master) and the Lord, my parental family was an example of such a university. My father Mathurakavi Alwar was a Freedom-fighter and patriot. He had been put into jail many times. He was an ardent devotee also. He got his seva training at Gandhiji’s Wardha Ashram and he himself had established many ashrams in Tamil Nadu and served the society by organising medical camps and other Gandhian services. He conducted many ‘Andaryogams’ (Spiritual camps) with the help of Rama Krishna mutt ascetics. It is that patriotic and spiritual seed which was sown in me by my father that has now grown into a tree and has started giving the fruit.

My fore-fathers were staunch Vaishnavite devotees. So I was pleased to play with Sai Krishna from the age of five itself. I was the only daughter to my parents. I lost my mother early in my life, but I inherited her ardent devotion. My grandmother fed me spirituality, by telling the stories of Radha, Andal, Meera etc. My grand parents brought me up like Buddha, not allowing me to see the external world.

I have one daughter Kaveri and two sons Arvindan and Manivannan. All are very good devotees. Swami Himself has told us that Kaveri is one of His good devotees. Because of the co-operation of my family members, my spiritual journey has been smooth and sweet.

From childhood itself, I and my children have been writing diary, chanting Gita and 1008 Names (Sahastra Namavali) of Lord Vishnu (Sustainer of the World) daily. Reading devotional texts and doing sadhana has become a daily routine in my life. When I read about other devotees, very often the following question arose in my mind. "Can I ever see God face to face, like Swami Vivekananda?" "When Andal, Meera and Radha could merge with the Lord Krishna, why can’t I"?

To find out suitable answers to these question I travelled from Cape Comerin to the Himalayas. I visited Badrinath, Kedarnath, Arobindo's Ashram at Pondicherry etc. I have met many spiritual leaders of North India and South India like Yogi Ram Surat Kumar, Krishna Prem, Krupananda Variyar, Chidbhavananda etc., to find answers to the above questions. And at last I got the answers from Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba and gained a lot of blissful experiences from Him.

I daily practice sadhana. Great deeds cannot be done without regular practice. My mind was very much impressed by this idea and I did my daily practice as per the schedule given below :

4.00 A.M. : Chanting ‘Om’ 21 times and Gayatri 108 times.

4.30 A.M. : Abishekam (Bathing the Deity) Then reciting Vishnu Sahasranamam.

12.30A.M. : Meditation, japam and Sathya Sai Sahasranamam.

4.00 P.M. : 108 Gayatri Japam and Meditation

Night : Aarati and Bhajan

Apart from my daily sadhana, I followed monthly austerities like full moon Vratam Ekadasi, Thursday, Saturday austerities etc.; on many occasions I followed these austerities without using salt. Though I have undergone so many worries and sufferings during sadhana, I continued my spiritual practice without any gap and discouragement. Though there are many spiritual books, very often I read Gandhiji’s books and Paramahamsa’s gospel. ‘Sathya Sodanai’ (A Test of Truth) of Gandhiji and ‘Gita’ have become my life’s goal. I learnt sacrifice, service and labour from ‘Sathya Sodanai’ and ‘Gita’.

A small spark of Krishna’s love arose in my heart. In due course of time, it grew into a fire and began to boil me. As the days went by, that fire became an unextinguishable forest fire. That alluring Krishna jumped and danced into that blaze. Unable to bear that prema, I yearned and lamented for Krishna and composed over a thousand devotional poems and songs in Tamil language. I sent peacock, cuckoo, deer, cloud, lightening and creepers as messengers of my love for the Lord and wrote many songs with tears.

After 35 years of suffering I heard an inner voice in my meditation : "Your Krishna is at Puttaparthi". We went there to see that alluring Krishna and I saw Him. Even then that alluring Krishna roasted me in the fire of prema by not showing His grace. When I reached an unbearable state, with the thirst of prema, that gracious cloud showered compassionate rain of love on me. Afterwards I reached a stage in which I wanted to forget him. When every one wants to immerse in God’s thought, I cried and tried to forget him, but I did not know how to forget him. Because of the continuous thought of the Lord, I was not able to do my household duties properly. It made me mad. When no other thought except God’s thought came in my mind, it did not allow me to sleep. To forget Swami I went to various places but there also I remained in the same state. So I cried at His feet. I wrote a letter to Dr. K.P. explaining my difficulties. He replied me with the following Gopi’s story :

A Gopi was doing penance at Brijbhoomi A sage came on the way. He asked her thus :

Sage : Why do you do penance?

Gopi : To forget Krishna.

Sage : Did you succeed in your effort?

Gopi : No. As I try to forget, the thought of Krishna increases further?

Then the Sage prostrated at her feet and told her, "You are my Guru".

The doctor wrote to me that the above Gopi’s story resembled my story. What he wrote was correct.

"Why am I fascinated by Your unforgettable thought?

Why I follow You with undetachable attachment?

Are my cryings, lullabies for you, for ever?

Are you bathing in my tears that swell from eyes?

O Sayeeswara! Don’t you have any compassion on me?"

I experienced all sorts of spiritual experiences. Those who are ready to accept this truth with an open heart and those who are clear in their thought after reading my experiences alone can understand my life. They will find changes in their own lives also. At present I am in a state that I can’t live without Krishna.

Dear readers and devotees! some of you may not believe in the above statement, but it is factual.

In this context I wish to quote from R.Ganapathi’s book ‘Two Spiritual Star Pilgrims’. "We believe parents, relatives and friends, but we don’t believe God and his divine sports (Leelas). Though He plays them perfectly and with such discipline, we try to pass judgment upon Himself, not knowing that it is He who judges us".

As a result of this spiritual pilgrimage, I have attained the ecstatic state of Madhura Bhava. To have a Vaishnavite seal on the body is considered to be the highest heritage. My parents had that prestigious seal; in addition to this seal I got the title (Nick name) "Radha" from Baba himself. An interesting incident happened in my pilgrimage. I came to know the previous births of Dr. Kothandapani, his wife Sivamani and Venkataraman. The Dr. was Krishna’s foster father Nanda Gopa and his wife was His foster-mother Yasodha and Mr. Venkataraman was Krishna's playmate Tadhipandan. When this fact was revealed to me, I was thrilled, my hair stood upright.

I am now 62 years old My journey is going on the Madhura Bhava track. Baba Himself has said; "Making yourself mad, you make Me also mad". This is the peak of Madhura Bhava. Dear readers! you too join with me in my spiritual journey and reach the peak of ecstasy.

I sat in meditation. I saw a wonderful vision Swami and myself sat in a boat without oar, and it was going in the sea automatically. I was looking at Swami’s divine face. Pointing his hand in one direction Swami said "See there". People were struggling in the sea with their children, kith and kin. Sharks made them suffer like anything. They ran and ran, here and there in utter confusion and chaos I gazed at them and asked : "What are all these things, Swami?"

This is one of the 1000 devotional poems written by me.

The boat reached the shore safely. Swami and myself got down from the boat. We walked along a golden path which glittered like a sun. The path went upwards. There was a new world and Swami appeared as Krishna, with crown, peacock feather and garlands. Then He danced and sang. It was a very blissful darshan.

On that very day a letter came from G.V. in which it was written, "You are Radha and Andal herself". What a strange coincidence!

When I replied to G.V., I saw a man and woman going in a boat, on the T.V. at 11.45 A.M.

Ramachandran, a Sai devotee of Virudhunagar, came to my house on 27 September 1995. We discussed about our Puttaparthi journey in front of the prayer room. Then I had a sensation of current passing throughout my body. He too had the same sensation. It was so powerful feeling that we were not able to withstand it. So we came out from there. It was a thrilling feeling and our hair stood upright.

When he departed for his native place, I sat to meditate. In meditation Swami took me to the sky. Swami was sitting in a crescent moon swing; I oscillated the swing. There was a honey-fall; Swami said, "You wanted more honey. See here, this is honey-fall". I took a little and tasted it.

Swami showed me a river and said, "This is Azhuda river". The river was white. Swami took some water in His hand and pouring it into my hand He asked me to drink. I have no words to describe its nectar-like taste.

Then I saw a whirling tempest. Swami told me that was Vibhuti (Sacred ash) tempest. Next there was a mountain like a big red colour coat. Swami said, "This is saffron mountain." He put the saffron on my forehead and then showed the twinkling stars crowded here and there. Tears rolled down on my cheeks like a water-fall and made my body wet. Oh! What a bliss it was!

I wrote about this to Dr. G. Venkataraman (G.V.) He put my letter on the transistor and prayed Swami, "What shall I write to Vasantha, Swami?" After the prayer he switched on the transistor. It broadcasted song from the film called, ‘Samsaram Adhu Minsaram’ and the song was "Janaki (Sita) went in a search of Rama" and the next song which started with the two words was "same thought ....."

G.V. wrote in detail about Swami’s gestures about the above scene.

"The film "Family : It is a current" denotes your experience of a strange current, passing through your body and that song "Janaki went in search of Rama" indicates your spiritual aspiration. Though you were born in the material world, your thought is always with the Lord."

That was not the only proof. When I switched on the T.V., I heard the same song of the above film. Swami’s gestures through G.V. and his replies are thrilling proofs of my experiences.

One day in my meditation Swami took me to the lunar region of the sky. There was a swing. Sitting on it Swami asked me, "Shall I catch and give you that moon?" At once there was a round, white and cool moon in His hand, gently radiating its light. He put it in my hands. Spreading my hands like a blossoming lotus I received the moon. It was bigger than my both hands. I looked at the sky and there was no moon. There were mounds and pits in the moon. Oh, what a bliss! "Swami! Swami!, I want to be a dust particle at Your feet". As I was not able to speak out further, I cried like anything. (see pictures on page 30)

Swami got back that radiant silver white planet from me and returned it to the key. Now the moon was in the sky and Swami was near me. I prostrated at His holy feet.

I had a vision in my meditation on 23 June, 1996. Swami took me to the moon itself, Armstrong, the first man who had put his feet on the moon, came to my memory. Swami showed me different scenes of the sky. I saw numerous planets and stars. Swami said, "This is true moon. Bliss! Bliss! Nothing but bliss".

With an ecstatic bewilderment I said, "I will believe that darshan as true only if this T.V. shows the moon", I switched on the T.V. A woman sang "Moon! O moon!! without you ... O moon!!!. "When I changed the channel to Doordarsan, I heard this song, "What penence did you do Yasodha!" and then I sang, "What penence did you do Vasantha?"

Am I living in this world? Every second blossoms into a new second to me. O, how many T.V. scenes, how many book evidences to prove! O what a wonderful life! Dear readers, keep onething in your mind, I do not see T.V. or cinema. I switch on T.V. only to confirm the strange things that happen in my life.

Incidentally, I opened page no. 303 of R. Ganapathi’s book titled "Swami". Swami created a mini moon, what a wonderful proof! How can I describe that moon which Swami gave. I feared with the idea whether world will believe my inner experiences. When I was fearing like this only, I got this book evidence.

Once in a vision I saw Krishna. He took me to the higher region of the sky.

Forest, mountain, trees, plants, creepers, every thing was Krishna, everywhere was Krishna and every dust of the earth, every drop of water was Krishna. It was a great bliss indeed.

While Krishna sang, Gopis danced around him, The whole world danced with delight. Krishna and myself became parrots and began to talk, became cuckoos and began to sing, as peacocks we danced and as eagles (Gurudas) we flew in the sky. Tears rolled like a water-fall and I was sitting just like a statue.

On 17 March, 1996 I was chanting Vishnu Sahastranama in the morning. As I continued the chanting, young Krishna sang, danced and sat on my lap. Standing behind me and encircling my neck He kissed me. I cuddled Him with sweet words and walked around Him. I made Him sit on the swing, I oscillated Him and massaged His blue feet, mischievous eyes, legs and hands which used to give immense pleasure to Yashodha. I ran behind him, but I could not catch him; blissful tears showered from my eyes. I said, "Why this mischief, Krishna?" I felt too tired to meditate, but He was laughing and closed my eyes from my back. What a wonderful scene it was!

When I returned to my normal physical state, Haridas Giri was singing on the radio, "O Krishna, come without any sport or mischief."

Only two more days were left to install Sai Paduka at Puttparthi on 28 September, 1996. I was having severe back pain. I cried, "Swami! can I come to Puttaparthi? You will have your yajna share also." In my meditation Swami took me to the solar region and showed all the stars, planets, sun and moon. It was a wonderful scene.

I prayed Him, "Swami! Kindly show me a proof for my participation in the yajna". At once holy ash (vibhuti) of the yajna kunda came from Swami’s silver paduka. Swami replied, "Your pain will be relived". Accordingly on 30 September 1996 I went to Puttaparthi and got a Poorna - kumbha reception.

One day Krishna called and asked me to come with Him to see Gokulam. There Krishna was everywhere, every place was full of bliss. There was one diamond-studded throne; "This is your throne, Radha's throne; your real place; play your role in this world drama. Until you exist in this world, behave like an actor of a play. At the same time, don’t forget your real nature."

I was stunned. I prayed for an evidence for this; at once saffron appeared on the Adisesha picture (Holy Serpent and holy bed of Lord Vishnu), and holy ash came from the same picture and from a bow also.

Are all these visions or broad-day incidents? I felt like living in a new world.

I had a doubt on 21 September 1995 --- can I attain God without doing any penance as those people of Nara Narayana Gufa (cave) Ashram? When compared with their tapas (austerity) what is my devotional status? Have I surrendered myself fully? I cried that God should state in his own words about my devotional qualifications. My thought was whirling continuously around this. When my agony and aspiration reached the peak, all of a sudden a scene appeared before me in vision.

I saw my body in that vision with my own eyes, just as a doctor sees the internal organs in X-ray. I saw many small figures of Swami throughout my body’s blood circulation system. I heard the voice of the Lord, "Throughout your body, see My forms". Baba’s figures went on rotating throughout my body. In every atom of my body, Swami’s figure was found.

Krishna showed his cosmic vision to Arjuna. In the same way Swami told me to see. When I saw, my eyes swelled with tears. I trembled, just as Arjuna trembled when he saw the Cosmic Vision. With folded hands I prayed Swami.

I wrote about this to G.V. He placed my letter at Swami’s feet and prayed. Baba commanded him to write, "What she saw was a fact". I rejoiced myself in that unbelievable bliss. What could I do to this Supreme soul except submitting my tearful gratitude!

I had a vision in my meditation on 30.7.96 at 3 A.M. Swami's Mother Eswaramma and His father appeared before me. I prostrated at their feet and said, "You gave birth to the Master of the world, just as Mother Devaki gave birth to Krishna, but she did not live with Him. At the same time Yashodha was not the mother of Krishna, but she was fortunate enough to enjoy also the leelas (sports) of young Krishna. But O Mother Eswaramma, you are really lucky to play the roles of both Devaki and Yashodha".

"O father! (Venkappa Raju) the whole world yearned, aspired and melted for the incarnation of a divine child; such an Avatar is your child. You get all the pleasure of both Vasudeva and Nanda Gopa," I adored them like this.

Eswaramma told me, "You are also a fortunate woman, because the same Avatar showered His love upon you like anything".

When we were talking in this way Swami came there. Venkappa Raju blessed me like this, "Deerka Sumangali Bhava" (May you live long with your husband).

The way in which Baba’s father blessed made me laugh and I laughed heartily.

Swami: "Why do you laugh?"

Swami was embarrassed and stunned by my answer. I don’t think that I am writing this just because Swami had swallowed me as butter. I write this only to denote that if your heart is pure and soft Swami would accept you also as his devotee.

I did intend to write about"Deerka Smangali Bhava" to the doctor. I prayed Swami to give me an evidence in case Swami willed me to write about it. It was 6.15 P.M. A film was being telecast in which a Sumangali lady (married woman) was brought. But I was not satisfied with it. At 7.15 P.M., the hero sang "Mangalyam thongum penn "(Sacred thread around woman’s neck)." Then a song also started with. "Sumangali! Sumangali!!" (A married woman living with her husband).

After confirmation I wanted to write about the above incident to the Dr. To prove this three proofs came from T.V. I don’t see T.V. and films. I don’t wear costly ornaments and dresses. Whenever a proof is needed I will switch on T.V. I follow certain principles laid down in my life from my young age itself.

On 5 February, 97 we went to Madurai to attend Sradosha Abhishekam ceremony at Mr. Om Kumar’a residence. At that time, the writing of this book was nearing completion. We took with us the book files, ripe papaya and guava fruits and offered them at Swami’s padukas. Ramachanndran of Virudunagar put a silver ring with Swami’s picture near the fruits.

After Abhishekam (bathing the deity) and puja, Aarti was shown to Swami's picture. To the expectation of every one, a miracle took place. The papaya was peeled and we found out that a piece of it had been tasted by Baba. The Samithi Convenor showed the fruit to every one and gave it as prasadam (divine edible thing). That fruit was given to about one hundred devotees --- not small pieces, but big, big pieces. Even after that, some more pieces remained.

Two garland pieces which were put on the arms of Swami’s throne fell over the ring that was put on the file. Guava fruit rolled from the stage and fell down. Swami had blessed me to start writing this book at Dr’s house and the completed book was blessed at Om Kumar’s house. All those who attended the function told that papaya which was tasted by Baba was very delicious. What is there to wonder that a fruit tasted by a nectar-like Super Soul was delicious?

I have to mention one more miracle here connected with this. When turmeric water Abhishekam was done, a Thirumangalyam (a holy threads put around bride’s neck by the bridegroom at the time of their marriage) came with that water.

The previous day Mr. J.V.K. came to Om Kumar’s house to have the blessings for his 60th Birthday. He stayed and prayed the Lord for a long time and then went to Puttaparthi. So when ‘Thirumangalyam’ came, all told that it was a reward to J.V.K. as Swami’s blessings. O, how many miracles Swami does for us and in how many ways!

I had the following vision on 18 March, 1996. I asked Swami about Dr. S. Kothandapani. While not replying to this He told Me "You are My life." Since that very moment I have been floating in bliss. Now I sing the following lines daily :

The word "Life" of Swami is known only to the doctor. I did not tell anybody else, not even to G.V. On 14.10.96, I received a letter from G.V. "Swami is singing the following line daily : A beautiful deity keeps its steps slowly and slowly". And he wrote, "These lines were sung by T.M. Soundararajan". This happened on 18 March, 1996, but after 20 days why did Swami sing this line? Only after my reply, G.V. also knew about the word "Life".

Out of those three lines, the other two lines were mine. Then I wrote a letter to the doctor. Before writing I wanted an evidence and for that I opened the holy epic Ramayana in which Anjaneya (Hanuman) says, "She is the very life of Universal Prime Soul. My only duty is to take this lady from here". Here life indicates the life of Sita, first soul of Rama Himself.

How can I write about this Swami’s compassion! Then a lot of turmeric powder miraculously came from Swami’s and Rama’s padukas.

One day when I was speaking to Swami I requested Him to say something about the Doctor’s daughter Jaya Gowri. Swami said, "She is a gem, I have taken all the responsibilities of protecting her and she is My child".

"In that case, why do You make her secure low marks? Why do You make such young soul suffer like this? Will she not lose her faith?" I asked Swami.

Swami replied, "Students should not get agitated. They should consider both victory and failure alike." I wanted a proof for this and so I switched on the television.

The following lines were heard :

"If you are cheated, am I responsible for that? Why are you angry with me and convert your mind; you may go anywhere; but will I let you go?"

What a coincidence - though the child is angry with Swami, Swami’s words are consoling. Gowri may like to give up Swami but Swami will not let her do so.

This advice is not for Gowri alone but for all. We will also come under the responsibility of Swami, if we surrender completely at His feet; then He will not leave us for ever.

In my meditation on 4 November, 1996 a deity’s face alone was visible with indigo complexion, lotus shape and a huge size diamond studded ornament. I did not know whether it was Kali or Gayatri Devi. What captivating smile and gracious eyes! I can not ever forget them. I wrote about my inability to identify that deity to G.V. Another day I saw the same deity with a lion near her and a sugar cane in her hands. On 19 November, 96 night at 7 p.m. singer Jesudas was singing about a deity, and my diary, notes matched with each other.

On 30 November, 96 we went to the Dr’s house There we were talking about the miracles at the Dr’s residence.

Bhagavan Baba had taken the heart of Dr’s Kothandapani as His shrine. Swami had done a lot of miracles at Dr’s residence. Dr. has gathered all the miracle photos and kept them in his album. Using his pet daughter Gowri as a medium, Dr. solved many problems of devotees. Those who heard about these miracles began to solve their own problems. Swami solved the problems through her (medium) and showered vibuthi, saffron, turmeric as a blessing. If I begin to write about Swami’s leelas that took place there, it would become a Mahabharatham.

In the evening of 11 February, 1993, Bal Vikas children participated at the Dr’s residential Bhajans. After Bhajan, Devi Kamakshi appeared in Dr’s pooja room, with white face, red dress and the tinkling sound of anklets. That being her first darshan, Gowri feared and hid behind the pooja room almirah. Swami showed His protecting hands (Abhaya Hastam) and Parashakti danced. But her ankle sound alone was heard outside.

On 13 February, 1993 when Bal Vikas class was going on, Swami called Gowri in a subtle way and asked her to call her father soon, so that he could hear the anklet sound outside the pooja room.

That day Swami Himself appeared as Gayatri Devi and Kamakshi Devi and danced. Gowri’s parents, six Balavikas children, Balasubramaniam --- a teacher, A. Dhanaseelan Jayanthi and some more persons heard that anklet sound outside the puja room. It had happened like this four or five times.

So, daily when they bathe the padukas they sing in chorus the following lines :

Thus Dr.’s house has become the dancing shrine of Bhagavan Baba.

Miracles took place at Om Kumar’s house in Madurai. There, a sandal Rajarajeswari statue came from Shirdi Baba’s picture. Dr’s wife also said, "If you find sugar cane and flower in the hands, just like this calender picture, then it must be Rajarajeswari". That night, Mr. J.V.K. and Mr. G.V. came to Paramakudi. Mr. G.V. said, "Raja Rajeswari statue that came from Shirdi Baba’s picture is with me only". Lo! Swami’s grace is great! How many evidences for my Rajarajeswari darshan!!

From the padukas in Dr’s puja room, sacred ash, saffron, turmeric powder, sandal, tulsi, milk, Ganges water, bel leaf, Puttaparthi kalpa vraksha leaf, Guruvayur oil, sugar candy, honey, nectar, holy white clay, holy red clay, milk peda, Srirangam murukku, medicine, udhi, Himalayan herbal leaves, appeared.

Wherever padukas are installed, a yagna is conducted there and the greatest miracle is that the yagna’s udhi (ash) will appear at Paramakudi Dr’s puja room. Swami Himself has told that yagna udhi of any place would come to Dr’s puja room on that day itself.

Another strange thing is, tears appear very often on padukas and altar. As I was crying continuously with the thought of Bhagavan, Swami said one day. "I am not sleeping in the milky sea, but in your tearful ocean". At once, tears appeared on padukas and altar.

At a climax scene herbs came from them at the time of 1008 Paduka Prathishthan festival held at Puttaparthi. At that time Dhanvantari homan was also conducted. 108 herbs, gathered from Kerala forest, were put into the homa fire. A foreigner took a photo of the homa. In the homa agni photo, Swami appeared accepting the oblation (Poorna Ahuthi). Mr. P.S.A.S. Avil of Madurai gave me a copy of that photo. Dr. is also having a copy of that photo in his puja room. From that photo also herbs come.

On 22 September, 1996 Laksharchana function took place at my residence. Devotees from Virudunagar, Madurai and Viruthachalam attended the offering function and saw the herbs falling from the picture, and took them to their houses. Mr. J.V.K., Mr. Somanath, Mr. Kannan of Madurai etc. participated in that Laksharchana function and saw the holy soil given by Baba, Kalpa Viruksha leaf, bel leaf, herbs falling from God’s picture.

On 24.12.95 when I conducted the first Laksharchana cynoden grasses fell from the puja room roof.

The day of 21 January, 1996 was a golden day in my life. I had a wonderful meditational vision on the day.

Swami took me to the solar region and showed many scenes. He showed me an effulgent planet and said, "This is Sathya Lok". There was a golden lotus with dazzling light in which Brahma (God of creation) was seated. Saraswati Devi with her white dress was near Brahma and was playing Veena. I was stunned so much that I even forgot to pay my obeisance to them. Next there was a beautiful grove. In an altar there Lord Siva was seated, and Parvati Devi, the embodiment of beauty. Came and stood near Lord Siva. In front of them, there was a big Sivalingam. Swami said, "This is Kailash". Since I saw them from a distance, I worshiped them with folded hands from there itself.

Then Baba took me to another place and said, "This is Vaikuntham". Lord Narayana was lying down on the Adisesha (Serpent bed), Goddess Mahalakshmi was massaging the holy feet of Bhagavan. Suddenly I called, "Mother! Mother" My call came bursting from the core of my heart. I cried and wailed and Mahalakshmi blessed me. All of a sudden the face of Narayana changed into Baba’s face. At the same time Baba who stood near me was not found. I cried once again at the feet of Narayana. Then Baba blessed me with smiling face. Lo! when I wrote this on 25 February 97 Swami appeared before me as Narayana with conch and holy wheel; then I bathed Shalagramam (a holy oval shaped stone); and this Shalagramam was installed on 23.2.97 in my puja room.

How fortunate am I! What penance had I done to be bathed in such Swami’s gracious divine shower! Sai Avatar differs from other Avatars. If you take refuge only once at this avatar’s holy feet, then He will take care of you completely. He will hold your hands unto the last moment of liberation. You hold his Feet with aspiration, the only requirement.

One day when I was chanting Gayatri mantra, Sun God arrived in His seven horses chariot. It was so shinning that dazzled my eyes with splendour.

"Swami! Swami!! If all these things are true, kindly bestow me with Vibhuti (sacred ash)", I prayed. Vibhuti appeared on and around Swami's padukas, and on all sides also.

Ha! How many leelas (sports) and how many darshans!

When I thought, "Is it possible to happen like this?", an American Sai devotee's incident came to my memory. Dr. Cowen had died at Madras. Swami went to Yamaloka (the planet where the spirits of dead persons live) and recovered his life. Professor Kasturi has written the following on his book named ‘Sathyam, Sivam, Sundaram’ - (Part III, page 38). "He is not the Master of this world alone. He is a universal master who can go to any planet and do unbelievable miracles".

Is it a great thing for an Avatar to appear as Gayatri Devi, who recovered the spirit and life of Cowen from Yamaloka?

I attended Parthi Dhanvantari Prathishtan and Paduka Prathistan festivals that took place between 1.10.96 and 4.10.96 at Puttaparthi. All the four days Baba did not give me Pada Namaskar. So I was crying continuously.

I had a vision in my meditation on 9.10.96. Swami took me to a beautiful glass palace. We were seated on chairs in front of a round table. Swami materialised ice cream and gave it to me, "Swami! First You taste it, then only it will be delicious to me", said I. Swami took half of it in a spoon, tasted it and gave the rest to me. "Lo! what a delicious cream!. A cream materialised by Swami’s nectar hand, tasted by His nectar mouth, given to me by His nectar hand! Lo! how fortunate am I!". I said.

Then I followed Him to the roaring ocean; "Hear the sound of ocean; it is chanting Om! said Swami. "Hear the same sound `Om’ in the sky and the wind too is blowing, saying `Om’. If you keep an empty vessel or tumbler on your ears you will hear the same sound. Five elements appeared only from ‘Om.’ This is the history of creation of the universe".

On one side sages were going. Seeing the seers, I showed one of the seers and asked Swami, who he was. Swami replied. Then I wanted the blessings of that seer. So I asked for the permission of Baba and He permitted me. I requested the seer to bestow his blessings, with folded hands. The seer replied : "When God Himself is with you, why do you want my blessings? Because of Baba’s incarnation, my clan and my name have become fortunate. Indeed we feel proud of His association." He was Rishi Bharadwaja.

From there we went by car to Super Speciality Hospital. Whether all these things are dreams or daytime incidents! I cried and wanted proof for these visions. So I switched on T.V. There a man was seen feeding ice cream to a woman with a spoon. What a wonderful proof this was!

I wrote a letter to Mr. G.V. about this on 12.10.96. I wrote that Andal and Vallalar are my ideal persons. At that time I felt the smell of the sacred ash for a long time in my puja room and the room was like an air-conditioned one and it was so soothing.

I went to Virudunagar with Erramma and Porkodi of Madurai on 13.10.96 to participate in an Antharyogam, Vallar’s birthday was also celebrated there. So I spent that night at Erramma’s residence. Then they were eager to know my experiences. After narrating many of my visions, they confirmed that the glass palace was Puttaparthi's V.V.I.P. Guest House. When they did service at Puttaparthi, they had the chance to serve at that Guest House also. So their commentary was very correctly confirmed by my experience. But I had not seen that Guest House till then. I had not even seen the inside of the hospital. Till today I have not seen many places at Puttaparthi.

Sister Erramma also had some visions. Whenever I go to Virudunagar, Erramma would collect some sort of evidence about my visions. One day Swami had shown my form as Andal to Erramma. On the day of my departure to Vurudunagar, Baba had shown my form and said, "Hallo! Here is Andal". They wondered why Swami had shown the great lady saint Andal when they had already known about her. I showed my Virudunagar programme written in my diary. They did not know about my arrival on that day. It is only to denote my arrival that Swami had shown them Andal.

On another occasion I had this vision. I was wearing yellow saree and yellow jacket. Sri Krishna put around my shoulders a big garland with white and green flowers, just like Andal’s garland.

Next day I went to Virudunagar Antharyogam. On  that day also they had seen me with the same yellow saree and yellow jacket in their puja room. O God! what an evidence! I showed my diary with fear in my eyes.

Then Erramma told me that when Swami showed her Andal on the previous occasion, she (Andal) was wearing the same white garland with green flowers.

Sofar Baba made a triangle, connecting of Mr. G.V., Dr. K.P. and myself to prove my experiences. "You want me to give it without omitting a single word. How can I give this?" I prayed and begged, crying like anything. Even though it was personal, was it possible to disobey Swami? As per Baba’s command, I gave my three diaries (each one diary) to Mr. J.V.K., Dr. and Mr. Ramachandran. The triangle has now became a square by the inclusion of Erramma.

Why did Baba tell me to give the diary to J.V.K.? What speciality was he having? After some days I understood his speciality. When Swami gave interview to J.V.K. at Puttaparthi, Swami had pinched his cheek again; who pats and cuddles her child with such a love? Sai mother had cuddled and played with her dear child. Is it not correct that He alone should read the diary first, as Swami told me?

On 30 October, 1998 Baba and I sat on the steps of the famous Badrinath temple situated in the Himalayan range. Baba held my hands and dragged me downwards, along with me to Hardwar Ganges steps. Both of us stood in the Ganges water and the flow was upto our neck. "O Mother Ganga! You accept all the sins of the world. Since my Lord’s feet are bathed by your water, your burden of sins is washed away now", said I. At Lakshman-jhula (Rishikesh) I walked forward and Swami followed me. Swami wanted only to swing the bridge with His big toe. At once the whole bridge, which connected both the banks of the Ganges, trembled. When I was about to fall, He stopped and laughed, holding me.

Though we dipped fully in the Ganges, Swami’s dress did not get wet. When His heart is filled with the flood of grace and compassion, how can the river water make Him wet?

On 2 April, 1996 an efflulgent light appeared before me. From that light a saint appeared. My intuition revealed to me that it was Vyasa Maharishi. Putting a lotus flower at his foot, I prostrated and told him, "O Vyasa Maharishi! kindly bless me, so that I can get great love of Krishna". Putting his hand on my head, he said, "Because of your pure love, you will have more and more Prema showers".

Since I could not believe my own eyes, I wanted a proof for the above vision. So I opened the holy book Gita; there-in it was found that both Vyasa and Krishna and their life philosophies are one and the same. Dear readers! Is this not a good proof for my above vision?

In the early morning (3.30 A.M.) of 6 June, 1996 Narada Maharishi came from the horizon. I prostrated at his feet with tears; all my hair stood upright on my whole body. I said, "Swami, give me deep devotion towards God. Narayanas namam (name) and yourself, both are inseparable. In the same way Narayana namam should not recede from my tongue. Kindly bless me to devote my life like Radha whom you had seen at Gokulam and Golok".

Narada replied, "You are that Radha, born again on this earth." He asked me to pull out my tongue and wrote each word separately as given below with a needle pen "Om Namo Narayanaya Namah." He wrote them from the tip of tongue to the back part of it. When He disappeared I was stunned and lost my memory. Wanting a proof for this I opened Bhagvatham. It explained the glory of Lord’s name at length in a special way. "Faith in God alone should be our respiration. You may undergo any sort of suffering but forget not to pronounce God’s name." What a marvellous evidence for ‘Om Namo Narayana Namah’ on the tongue!

One more quotation from the same book would be suitable in this context :

"The name Krishna is much more sweeter than Hari, Narayana and all other words. In the same way, the name Radha is sweeter than Lakshmi, Durga, Saraswathi and Rukmani. There are only two words in this world - Krishna and Radha which are simple and sweet". Swami Himself has written like this in His Bhagavatham.

Still my mind was not clear enough regarding Narada's darshan (vision). So I shuffled two papers (with two words - true, false) and picked up one and the answer was found to be "True!" After all mine is also a human mind; so it wants evidence again and again.

One day I prayed, "Swami when Narada Maharishi writes on my tongue, why can’t You too write like that?" Swami asked me to keep my tongue outside and wrote the great mantra "Om Sai Ram". Still doubting Swami’s writing. I prayed him by saying, "If Your writing on the tongue is true, please drop some vibhuti". At once lot of vibhuti came on the great saint from the padukas.

On 20.8.96 I had the darshan of Viswamitra who gave the Gayatri mantra to the world. Shedding tears at his feet and reciting the sloka (Verse) "Bootha Bhavya Bhavath Prabhu Sri Prasanthi Sai", I prostrated before him. He blessed me by saying, "you are blessed; you have surrendered and gained the blessings of the Lord whom I myself adore."

O Lord! what a unique grace is this! How fortunate am I! By surrending to this great Lord, how many unthinkable darshans I have had! O Lord! I get your grace every moment, even without asking. Am I qualified for this great liberality of You? Who will understand this great munificence?

Swami had written a lot in the then latest ‘Sanathana Sarathi' (His monthly spiritual magazine) about Vishwamitra. In that issue of Sanathana Sarathi King Parikshit said the very sentence, "I am blessed very much." When I read this line, three sugar candies fell from Lord Rama’s picture and I had a very good vibhuti smell also and I was immersed in great bliss. Are these not solid evidences of my having Rishi Vishwamitra's darshan?

A dim figure was visible in my mid-day meditation on 11 September, 1996. The figure was blue with a silk cloth on its hip, but it was not Krishna. My intuition told me that he was Sri Krishna's friend and mesenger to the Gopikas, Uddhava, I worshiped him with blissful tears, praying : "I want more prema, just like Radha’s prema".

"O diamond-like lady! O, the best of women! Let your wishes be fulfilled" I was blessed like this by Uddhava. He was wearing a red-ochre loin cloth on the hip and a towel around his neck like a garland with the same color and his hair were hanging upto his neck. Thus I had a holy vision of Uddhava in his sitting posture.

I cannot think of these unbelievable visions even in my dream. How I experienced all these things! It is because of the infinite grace of Bhagavan. Is it not?

On 5 June, 1996 in my evening meditation I saw Swami Vivekananda and his eminent master Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, standing before me with a great ecstatic feeling, I slightly touched the feet of Ramakrishna Paramahamsa and prostrated. He touched my head slightly and entered into samadhi. I became one with the super soul. I too fell down, rolled and cried, "Krishna! Krishna!" and worshipped him with folded hands. I lost my consciousness for a few moments.

Sri Paramahamsa said, "A rare soul, mumukshu" (an aspirant who yearns for liberation), and then he disappeared. Hoping to get an evidence for this, I opened Swami’s book ‘Chinnakatha.’ Therein I found, "You live only to seek and go on seeking". I shed joyful tears, saying, "Swami! Swami"!

When I wrote this I remembered an incident when I was at Paramakkudi, Dr.’s wife Sivamani asked me, "Why is your body is so hot?" "My body would always be like this only". I replied. Then Dr. asked me, "Are you not affected by this is any way? It seems that you are having fever above 100 degrees". "Many doctors have tested me, generally this will be my normal temperature" I answered.

Once I read the following incident about Paramahamsa:

Whenever Paramahamsa was in Radha Bhavam, his body temperature would be unbearable. His disciples would cover him with a rug, take him to bath room and make him take bath. When I told this to the Dr. and his wife Sivamani, Dr. narrated a similar incident to me.

Mr. Srinivasan, a close associate of Gandhiji and the father of cine hero Kamalahasan, told that Gandhiji’s body would always be hot. When some one asked for the reason, he answered that when one repeats Rama namam his body would always be hot.

When compared with Paramahamsha and Gandhiji, what am I? A mere particle of dust. Even then, out of my love towards Krishna, I have to mention this. Whenever Ramakrishna shed tears, generally he would enter into Samadhi. I too would be crying with the thought of Krishna from dawn to the dusk. Only those who are intimate with me know about this.

I wanted an explanation for the word ‘Mumukshu! So I opened Bhagavatham, turned the page no. 364 where I found "When one surrenders everything to Krishna, he is not affected by any sin; mysticism confirms this. When one attains that state, he would reach the mumukshu state, who crosses over all the hurdles. Tapasvi (one who does penance) Yogi, mystic (Siddar in Tamil) all these are in a lower state and not equal to it. Gopis were in that Mumukshu state. Their prema was such that they were ready even to destroy their body. When prema reaches its peak, one need not talk about body at all."

After satisfying myself with the above explanation, I wanted a proof regarding Paramahamsa’s comment on Mumukshu. So I opened the text book of Bal Vikas, intended for third standard students. The title of the book is ‘Divine Path’ and its first edition was published in December 1986. I found :

"Sadanachadushtayam" means four kind of sadhanas. They are : 1. Wisdom 2. Will power 3. Shutsampat (Craving for liberation) 4. Mumukshism (Aspiration for salvation).

Paramahamsa, before retiring to bed, would rub his face on the floor, and then he would weep and yearn saying that the whole day was wasted, without the darshan of his Divine Mother (deity). In the same way, I too would cry whenever I did not get the darshan of Krishna. Next day I would wake up with the new hope that I would get the darshan of Krishna at least on that day, so I composed a song about my lamentation.

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