**Anything 5 Dayz or older goez into
tha archivez** (I'm way too lazy soo I'm not archiving)
[August 24, 2003] (tired/sick): (6:26AM) [insomnia] This day was horrible, my sinus is hurting me and I can't sleep... Stupid allergies.. they always occur at this time, like clockwork or something! - Anyway I had an awesome time a couple days ago. School has given me more social interaction, something I only got from my circle of friends during the summer. - My mind is finally quiet, thanks to some "home'g' therapy" from Friday. ;). shouts to my homiez. I'M outtie, its very late... er... early.
[August 3, 2003] (yearn for love): Everybody knows how it feels to be left out. Has anyone else beside myself had the feeling that they are not genuinely loved? I feel love from my family. I don't feel like I get any attention from people sometimes. I am feeling a little bit pity for myself. You feel somehow inferior, and sometimes this feeling interferes with social activity. I don't feel like I am person that has no value.. Probably on the contrary I feel like I am worth a lot as a person.. I experience grandious self confidence. I however don't get the feedback that I want from people to validate my self reflection. Well then, I feel smart, sexy, strong, satisfied in myself. You should too, you are smart, and sexy, and satisfactory, despite what you may think about yourself. You must remember that if you never had an issue with your integrity before, you have no reason to have an issue with it now. Now, off to bed its 6:17AM and I stayed up all night, and (ahem) day.
[July 30, 2003] (futile frustration): You know what it feels like to be supressed? You feel stuck, helpless to change. You feel like life is so black and white, so plain and you can't colour it. Have you ever felt a boredom that cannot be quenched? You feel like you want to explore, and satisfy the thrist for escaping drowning, TIRING, sensory-depriving BOREDOM. Feels like pent up energy that is unspent, but you're cripplingly tired at the same time! NOW!! I WANT TO BREAK OUT!!!
its 11:42PM, boredom leads to sleep...
[July 30, 2003] (calm loss): STOP!
You feel a little bit eerie, you do NOW?
Its 1:54AM, I'm still awake... I have work to do tomorrow... I was out with my friend Evan today, and I laid down on Dulless Middle School's benches tonight... randomness. I want more randomness.... I want wild freedom... I want to break into a place... I want to disrupt... I want to run from the police.... and get away. I like things like that... I feel like someone can look at me and go "that guy is out there".. its fun for me... I must be crazy.. I hear voices in my head too... no I'm not schizosphrenic or a MPD sufferer... what is it? What is wrong with being normal? What makes me different? I think like the same basic things you like, I am like you but I am different, cause I have to be... that's what I want to be....
[June 27, 2003] (vivid mind): Have you ever felt stark coldness? A cruel and chilling feeling, its the steam off your breath in a cold and colourless day. A quivering feeling of fear, an almost animal sense that death is near. A running from a murderer in your house kind of fear. A voice stating melodically in your head "You're going to die...", and you feel trapped, as a dark demonic figure advances to you in the dark. "You're going to die..." says the rythmic unnatural voice, and you feel like you want to cry. You feel blinded with confusement when you tearfully and head-firstly charge at the dark figure...
You feel relieved when you wake up on your bed, feeling the warm coaxing sunlight warm your face. You dreamed it all.
[June 26, 2003] (wierd feelings): I want a crazy life. I want to do things I normally wouldn't dare try... why? That's living, that is the closest I can come to flying. Do you do things for a thrill? Stupid, maybe dangerous things? Why? I'm in shock therapy... my brain is in shock, and I feel drowned... The feeling is like the calm before the storm, the pale chilly face of a delirious girl about to faint.. looking groggily at a distant swarm/comotion, hearing faint yelling towards her "Wake up! oh my god she's going to die!!!".. but its soo calming. Everything's fine.. I'm just dreaming.. I'm only sleeping..
(ranting/raving): Something's a miss in my life, I think I try too hard to find problems with things, and by the governing laws of nature, I will always find them... And continue to fullfill a malice cycle of finding problems in everything... Expecting more, and finding more.. driving me mad. not content and sick. that's another problem. (Why do you find the time to read my things? why are you curious? why do you think I post my feelings and thoughts on the internet exposed to the world? why does anyone care about it? why is it so important we know why? that is a paradox.)
