~ Diary of a Mad Shoveler or A Texan Moves to Wisconsin ~

December 8: 6:00 P.M. It started to snow The first snowfall of the season. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge snowflakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic. We felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I have ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry. We will definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that is possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! Eight degrees last night. The temperature dropped to minus twenty. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back in the afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize that I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer too. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think she is silly. After all, we aren't in Alaska. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the ice in the driveway while I was trying to put down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. I think she's very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. I guess I should have bought a wood stove, but I won't admit that to her. God, I hate it when she is right. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they are lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I will have to shovel or the city will bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. I tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And, it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she.....nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She said she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel. I though I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his family jewels. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and than he comes down the street at a 100 miles and hour and throws snow all over where I have just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the darned slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow. Then, the snowplow driver came by and asked for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all her idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. The wife is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches of snow. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it will collapse. That's the silliest thing I have ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?????

December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what was left of the house. No more shoveling.