A nerd is a nerd because of what differentiates him from others. He has chosen a particular view on life; a certain set of priorities that defines who he is. However, this would not be remarkable without the existence of non-nerds, those who have chosen a different path.

Non-nerds can be broken into six basic classes, each of which is easily distinguishable from the rest. Each class can then be broken into an upper and lower caste. The upper caste consists of those who practice as they preach; who live their position with all their mind and soul. The lower caste, on the other hand, includes those who behave as the upper caste does, but yet don’t feel entirely comfortable in their roles.

Members of these castes appear to be identical to even the most careful observers, but everyone knows in his heart to which he belongs. Incidentally, as nerds, by definition, show their true selves, they are the sole exception to the caste rule.

On the opposite end of the nerdiness spectrum from nerds are jocks. A jock is the fundamental inverse of a nerd. Whereas most nerds are smart, most jocks are dumb. Most nerds are clumsy, and most jocks are quite well-coordinated. However, the defining concept of jockhood is the emphasis on conformity - truly contrary of the nerds’ focus on individuality.

The main advantage of gaining jockhood is the security of knowing that others feel exactly as you do. All jocks are expected to think and act the same, thereby normalizing their behavior and minimizing the risk of ridicule.

Other than that, however, jockdom is filled with difficulties. Jocks must constantly monitor their status with their peers, for to lose face is to lose jockiness. In addition, jockhood tends to discourage any inspiration, innovation, or intellect, shaping its members to fill a predetermined mold. Also, jocks must often face discomfort and sometimes even debilitating pain when they approach a nerd’s aura.

However, jocks too possess an inexplicable power: the collective multiplicity principle (or CMP). The CMP functions because all jocks act the same. Through some strange phenomenon, jocks can use this conformity to make their numbers appear much larger than they truly are. However, full-fledged nerds are immune to this form of propaganda; only non-nerds and nerds-in-transit are susceptible.

Similar to jocks are ditzes, their female counterparts. Ditzes and jocks possess identical advantages and disadvantages. The main difference of these two groups (other than gender) is that while jocks use the collective multiplicity principle to normalize their behavior, ditzes instead make use of the superiority principle.

The superiority theory states that the title of “normal” shall be granted to those persons who can prove themselves to be a cut above the rest. Ditzes are firm believers of this idea, and so behave as if it is only obvious that they are vastly above others. This is really quite a clever approach, as many non-nerds and nerds-in-transit believe their apparent superiority is indicative of true normality. However, this guise also fails to convince nerds of anything other than the ditziness of the subject in question.

In addition to the above difficulties, both jocks and ditzes face an especially crippling vice: the desire for coolness. Coolness is something that has never been adequately defined. Some equate it with status, others with arrogance, but no word fully suffices. Fortunately, there seems little need to define this concept, as mankind has developed a certain instinctual sensitivity to it, and virtually anyone can readily state the coolness of another.

This desire for coolness, in itself, would be no more than a minor annoyance if not for the fact that there is only a finite amount of coolness in existence. However, because of this, the only way to increase one’s coolness is to pilfer another’s. It is for this reason that jocks and ditzes must behave malevolently if they wish to further their interests; the gain of one can only come with the loss of another.

Though it may seem that the area between nerddom and jockhood is a no-man’s land, there are a surprising number of people who have become half-nerds. This situation may appear quite precarious to those at one of the extremes of the nerdiness spectrum, but to half-nerds, it is the most logical and least painful position.

The key to maintaining half-nerddom is moderation. In other words, a half-nerd must conform, but only moderately. For example, many elect to form their own opinions, but not let them be known. Many also choose to behave as jocks when in their presence, but behave as their true selves when not. A half-nerd gains just enough status with jocks that he is not openly criticized for his nerdy characteristics.

An individual who belongs to the lower caste of half-nerds can then be readily identified as either a nerd emulator or a jock emulator. As the names suggest, the former type generally emphasizes their nerdlike qualities while the latter does his best to appear as a jock. The variance between these two kinds of half-nerds is much less than that between a nerd and a jock, but is nevertheless readily apparent.

Half-nerds of the upper caste, however, are quite successful at emulating both classes. Although this talent allows them to associate with both nerds and non-nerds with ease, it does cause certain difficulties when the half-nerd is subjected to the presence of multiple classes at a single time. In this case, the half-nerd will typically maintain silence, or, if forced to talk, remain as noncommittal as possible.

There are several advantages to half-nerddom. For example, a half-nerd will usually enjoy socializing with all types of people. They can forego the discomfort of a nerd-in-transit but yet avoid the total loss of identity that comes with jockhood. Also, though lacking the remarkable resiliency of nerds, they are less likely to be insulted at all because of their temperate position.

However, there are also many reasons why half-nerddom is not ideal. The vast majority of half-nerds belong to the lower caste, as moderation comes naturally to very few people. In addition, even those in the higher caste will never know true self-acceptance, as a half-nerd can never completely let go of all the preconceived notions of a jock. Finally, the challenge of alternating personality based on company is exhausting to even the most experienced half-nerd, drawing mental energy that could otherwise be put to better use. This has the unfortunate effect of partial stupification; not all mental energies are readily available, preventing the half-nerd from achieving their full potential.

Although half-nerds possess no unique talents, they do have an immunity to the nerds’ auras. Also, many are not affected by the collective multiplicity and superiority principles, though they never admit this to others. Unfortunately, this lack of special abilities makes the half-nerd population appear far smaller than it actually is, and most people do not realize that it is actually the largest class in existence.

Though each of the above groups can be accurately placed on the nerdiness spectrum, the three following classes cannot. They are also much smaller populations, though no less distinct.

The first of these classes is the pseudonerd. A pseudonerd is basically the external appearance of your average nerd taken to an extreme. Indeed, to those who do not fully understand the concept of nerdiness, pseudonerds and nerds appear to be identical. This has led to the confusion of such terms as “geek” and “dork,” descriptive of pseudonerds, with the term “nerd.”

A pseudonerd begins development in much the same way as a nerd. However, before reaching the moment of acceptance, something goes horribly wrong. The pseudonerd suddenly gives up the battle to be his own person, instead deciding to make himself a target of ridicule. To this end, he does his best to appear nerdlike, but never matures to true nerddom on the inside.

A pseudonerd, then, is really nothing more than an open masochist. Whereas a nerd endures the difficulties of pre-nerddom, a pseudonerd cannot. Instead, he allows the difficulties to control him until he relies on them for his very survival.

A pseudonerd, therefore, maintains a bleak existence, accepting the insults of others as sustenance. He does not know the freedom of the nerds or the conformity of the jocks. Fortunately, however, this class is very small and few are unlucky enough to belong to it.

The fifth non-nerd class is that of the dissenter, or (as they often prefer to be called) rebels without a cause. Dissenters are basically the opposite of pseudonerds, for while pseudonerds are a distorted form of the nerds’ outside, dissenters are a distorted form of the nerds’ inside.

As we all know, a nerd acts as he feels, regardless of what’s expected, and finds the great joy of freedom in this. A dissenter begins this way, but soon becomes a “freedom junkie.” He becomes addicted to, and indeed obsessed with, the idea of freedom. He feels that he must prove this freedom to others and to himself at any cost. Ironically, this causes him to lose the freedom and again become a slave to the opinions of others.

In truth, a dissenter is really no more free than a jock, ditz, or pseudonerd. His exceptionally free appearance is only a carefully constructed facade, and he is doomed to the same turmoil that the other non-nerd classes are subjected to.

The sixth and final class is easy to recognize but, by nature, difficult to remember. It is the class of shadows. A shadow does his best to blend in with his surroundings; to be overlooked by all others. They have few, if any, friends, for friends do not often forget each others’ existence.

Some shadows have become this way because of a traumatic experience in their past. Others were nerds-in-transit at one time, but found the constant ridicule to be too difficult to deal with. A shadow lives a very sheltered life, and need not worry about being hurt by others. However, they also possess the least personality of any of the classes, and one cannot be a complete human being without a personality. Very few shadows are content with their status, but fewer still dare to attempt to change it.

These six non-nerd classes, along with nerds, constitute everyone type of person known to man. Each is different from the rest, and each have their advantages and disadvantages. However, the most important thing to remember is that each group is defined in part by every other, and all classes are therefore of the greatest importance.