Almost 4 years ago, (Oct.4, 2003) I had a heart attack. It was only a few weeks after my 43rd birthday. Today I feel like it's starting all over again. Off and on all day I've had "that" feeling in my chest. That undescribable feeling. A cross between a burning type of pain, and a sharp stabbing pain that doesn't last long.

I'm hoping this is just yet again more unexplained chest pain, probably due to my FM. It's the burning pain sensation that kind of freaks me out, I don't normally get that with FM chest pain.

Part of me thinks I should drive on over to the ER and have it checked out, knowing they'll keep me at least over night, and leave my mom home alone. The other half of me says, it's nothing to get worried about, focus on something else. As I type this the pain has now traveled into my arm. Not a good thing. But I'm also deep in the grips of a panic attack...worrying about myself...and I'm wondering if that isn't the reason for the arm pain.

I know if I tell my mom what I'm experiencing she'll go off the deep end. She relys on me so much, and I know she fears she'll lose me prematurely. So telling her of my pain will only serve to frighten her. And if it's nothing, I hate to scare her unduly.

I sit here at my desk, looking into Dean's picture, wishing he was here to tell me what he thinks I should do. His photo sits on my desk, where I can look into his eyes whenever I need him. A million times I day I sit and peer into that face, waiting for him to speak to me. What I'd give right now if it were more than his photo here. But that day is a long way off, so again I'm on my own to decide what I should do.

Friday night, coming home from dinner, the car over heated. I took it to the Goodyear place Saturday morning. Three hours and $409.00 later the car was fixed. The thermostat had stuck open, causing the car to over heat.

This morning my Mom had an early appointment at the glaucoma doctor. When we got out of the doctor's office (4 hours later) the car was acting weird....turns out the water pump was leaking! I called my brother Mark and he said it'd have to be towed someplace. Thankfully I have AAA, it's been a life saver for me. Within 20 mins they had the car loaded up and we were on our way to the Goodyear garage. Thankfully the tow truck driver said he'd bring us back with him, God only knows how else we would have made the 30+ miles back home.

Mark looked it up on the computer and the car SHOULD run me about $200-$300 to fix. I'm waiting now to hear from the garage as to what the charge is going to be. Lord it's times like this I miss my smoking! (lol) I'm just sitting here wondering how I can afford another $200-$300 after blowing $400 on Saturday. I only get $500 a month in disability. I'm beyond stressed at this point, and of course the chest pains are in full swing.