Dec. 6, 2002
I keep thinking my Christmas shopping is finished, then I remember a gift I want to get for yet another person...and the shopping continues. I'm just glad that I had the foresight to start my holiday shopping early in July. With 15 people in my immediate family, plus my 2 adopted families, that's a lot of shopping. I just wish everyone could be together this year. I miss not seeing their faces as they open my gift. It seems like eons since my whole family has spent a Christmas together. It looks like eons until we will again too.
It's hard for me to remember it's winter with temperatures in the 70's and 80's. It isn't until I turn on the TV, or read the weather in the paper that I hits me. The long lines, the horrible drivers, and the rude people I run into should have reminded me it was winter already.
Dec. 9, 2002
For a long time I've been lucky enough to enjoy a long period of remission. But as sure as the sun will rise in the east, my remission is slowly fading away. Sometimes not even slowly, but with a sudden rush, strong enough to knock over even the hardiest soul. It's been so long since I've been in this position, I was stupid enough to think it would relegate it self into the short term, as it sometimes does. But now that it's been a week, I know this is only the start, and not as short in duration as I had hoped for.
Those of us with FMS or as some like to call it, FM, are the only ones who really know what it's like, day to day. Dealing with incredible pain, the inablity to function as normal individuals, and being constantly barraged by well meaning people...."go to the doctor, get something for it." Ah, if only it were that simple! What the "normals" don't understand is there isn't anything to be done for it. Oh sure, there are a few things that might take the edge off, if you're lucky, but nothing for the long term.
We sit by...when we're able to sit that is....and try to piece together some sort of life, all the while dealing with incredible pain, uncertanty of our future, the inabilty to have even our closest loved ones fully understand what life is like for us. It's no accident that along with the terrible pain, memory loss, inability to function, concentrate....the list goes on and on...that along with all this, depression becomes a major factor in our lives. How could it not? One day you're Mr. or Mrs. Joe Blow....going along your life as nature intended. The next moment you're paralized in sudden, excruciating pain, unable to do even the simplest things for yourself. Days and weeks of this can be hard to deal with. Months and years of this is even worse. Why you wouldn't be normal if at this point you weren't visited by another enemy...depression.
Sometimes I think the hardest battle of them all isn't trying to capture some sort of a normal life, or trying to flee the pain that creeps up on you and won't let it's teeth off of you. No, it's the daily, sometimes moment by moment fight with depression that is sometimes the hardest foe of all to beat. My mind is full of things I'd like to say, but alas, the pain has become unbearable, and I'm to be relegated back to bed.
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